Regulus hated how vulnerable he felt in moments like this, his head resting on James’s bare chest, James’s fingers scratching gently at his scalp. It was some kind of heaven, he was sure, some other realm of euphoria. What Regulus hated more was that he felt so comfortable in this vulnerability. He knew that James loved him, trusted that he would stay. That scared him most—it wasn’t safe to be so certain.
Feeling suddenly far too exposed, Regulus moved out of James’s arms, eliciting a quiet whine from the older boy. Regulus laughed a little, reaching for James’s hoodie before settling back into his previous position, his hand tracing patterns on James’s chest.
Regulus loved the warmth and comfort of James’s clothes, how they were too big, how the sleeves fell past his hands, how they smelled like home. There was also some satisfaction to the knowledge that James was obsessed with seeing Regulus wearing what was his. James was not a jealous person, by any means. It was uncharacteristically possessive, but Regulus didn’t mind it.
It wasn’t until two months later, when the hoodie had stopped smelling like James, that Regulus brought it up. He walked into James’s dorm, throwing the hoodie at him with a frown. James only grinned.
“I need another one,” Regulus grumbled.
“Love how I smell that much, huh?” James smirked.
“As if you don’t love when I wear your clothes,” Regulus shot back, before muttering, “Possessive bastard.”
Regulus was convinced that was all it was, until he saw James in the Great Hall the following morning, wearing the hoodie Regulus had given back. He made his way over, resting his head on James’s shoulder when he sat down at the Gryffindor table, past caring who saw.
“Hi, angel,” James greeted, kissing Regulus’s temple.
“Did you not clean this?” Regulus asked in lieu of a response.
James tensed a little, pulling Regulus closer and saying, slightly embarrassed, “It…smells like you.”
And it had never occurred to Regulus that James might feel the same way, might feel comforted by his scent. James seemed embarrassed, but it only made Regulus love him more.
“Well, you must be very proud of yourself now, huh?” Regulus says to James with a lot of venom in his voice, dramatically opening the door and getting out of the car.
As expected, frighteningly black smoke is already streaming from under the hood. If Regulus were a mechanic, he would probably reach for the hood by instinct to check what had caused them to stall in the middle of nowhere. But Regulus is not a mechanic. He doesn't even have a license and doesn't like to travel by car. No, it's James Potter's domain to convince him to take this “short and fun” trip together to his brother's wedding venue.
But damn James Potter forgot to warn Regulus that his car is a huge experiment on wheels that James has been working on for the last three years. And this trip is his test drive.
Bloody James Potter and his bloody car that can't even make it a hundred kilometers.
Bloody Sirius, who chose a godforsaken farm in the middle of nowhere as the venue for his wedding. And who cares that it was actually Remus' idea and that the farm belongs to his mother. Regulus can't bear to blame Remus for anything. So bloody Sirius and his bloody wedding.
“Hey, but we just passed a gas station,” James says as he gets out of the car, too. Of course, he has a silly grin on his face, which doesn't match Regulus' mood or the situation at all. “I think there was a cafe or even a motel there. We can get some coffee and hot dogs, and I'll see what's wrong with my baby, okay?”
Regulus can only give him a look of hatred. Why in the name of all that is holy did he not turn James down on this damn offer? He could have comfortably spent those hours on the plane reading his new novel from his favorite series… But instead he spent two hours in James Potter's passenger seat listening to his pretend singing of “I'm in love with my car.” Yeah, James, we figured it out.
Seeing the skepticism in Regulus' eyes, James adds, “Or I can call Sirius and he can pick us up tomorrow morning, and we can stay in the motel for now, right?”
Indeed, the sun is already approaching the horizon, and their destination is still a few hours away. It's too dangerous to set off again. So Regulus frowns at the sign that can be seen in the distance in the wasteland.
“I swear, if it turns out they don't have more than one room, you're sleeping in the car,” he mutters under his breath, not sure if James will hear him.
“Well, at least you gotta give him credit!” James exclaimed, tilting his head to the side while looking at the wonky colourful shapes drawn on paper, now being hanged in the refrigerator door by a ladybug magnet.
“Yeah, at least my hair looks good” regulus said, not being able to contain his smile at the drawing Harry made at school that day.
The picture contained a tall James potter holding a small replica of himself - except he was wearing a Spider-Man shirt, because that was Harry’s favorite superhero - and using his other hand to hold Regulus’.
Now the artist behind the piece was asleep, while James and Regulus enjoyed making an improvised dinner together.
However, the next morning James would wake up to make breakfast, only to find his bed empty and a sleepy regulus smiling softly at the picture on the refrigerator door at ungodly hours in the morning.
He stares at the mark engraved into his skin, a symbol of a choice he wishes he didn't have to make. A choice that he now regrets.
Regulus can't face him, anyone. He hides in one of the thousands of hideaways within Hogwarts. His arm still aches and he just can't look away, watching it move against his skin. He’s done this to himself.
“Regulus?”
His mind races with panic, the familiar sound of James’ voice calling out to him. He hides further, his back pressed into the corner of the wall as if he were camouflage.
James isn't stupid though. He knows the signs, of course he’d figure it out. The distance and then complete avoidance… Regulus couldn't have made it any less obvious.
What shocks him though, from the opposite side of the wall, James' voice calls out again.
“Im not..” he trails off, and Regulus hears him suck in a breath. “Im not mad at you, Reg.”
Regulus tenses as James reveals himself, looking down at Regulus from the floor. Regulus couldn't meet his eye and yet James sat next to him anyway.
“You're… not?” He croaks out, his voice hoarse as if he’s barely used it.
“I was.. I'm.. not anymore. I'm mad at the situation. Not you.” James sighs, staring off at the wall in front of him, just as Regulus is doing. “Why’d you go through with it? Did your.... Were you forced? I know you, Reggie, you don't believe in this stuff.. so why? Why’d you join them?”
He hears James suck in a breath, letting it out shakily.
“I wasn't forced.” Regulus admits, his voice quiet and laced with guilt.
“I think that just makes all this worse.” James whispered
They didn't talk for a while after that. It wasn't awkward, it never was between them. James takes Regulus’ hand, intertwining their fingers and laying his head on Regulus’ shoulder.
He hates this. This moment. The weight of James’ disappointment pulling him down and right now, he regrets the mark more than he did before. Regulus closes his eyes for a moment, breathing in slowly.
“I wish I could hate you.” James' voice rings out, pulling Regulus back into reality, his skin burning. A bittersweet feeling floods through Regulus.
“You should. Why can't you?” The words whispered softly between the quiet space between them.
“Because I love you.”
Tears prick the corner of Regulus’ eyes. Not because he’s happy, no, because the way James said it sounded like he didn't want to. Like loving Regulus was hurting him.
“Im so- fuck, im so sorry, James.”
The weight of James’ head lifts from Regulus’ shoulder and only a second later did Regulus feel a hand cradle his cheek, James’ fingertips guiding his head and for the first time since James sat down did they finally look at each other.
James didn't respond. He couldn't. Because Regulus should be and James can't forgive him. Not when this goes against every little thing he believes in. James can't fix this, he can't erase the Dark Mark from Regulus’ skin.
Instead, however, James pulled Regulus in closer, connecting their lips in a kiss that just felt like goodbye. A kiss between two people who will never find their way back to each other.
@into-the-jeggyverse ; february 24 , dream ; wc 845. as always , special tag for @loonsloon my beloved <3
"Where'd you go off to just there?" Regulus is reeled back into his surroundings again , far from the shadows that consume his senses . He hums at the light stimuli of skin brushing against the bony prominence of his shoulder , and turns his gaze away from the ceiling.
"Hm?" His eyes dilate at the sight of James, laced in their fluffy sheets with the sun's amber glaze caressing over him. It's a blessing, how good he looks, and Regulus falls to worship it every time. "Nowhere in particular. How did you sleep?"
James turns to his side, and Regulus meets him when he does the same. They face one another, with contagious smiles beaming in the privacy of their own home. Their home, it was a marvel how good that sounded on the tongue when it was reality.
"Pretty good. All that work yesterday knocked me right out." He leans into James's kiss, soft and passionate. Warm.
"You're always the one going on about how you like it rough."
"I like taking you apart piece by piece," James exclaims. Regulus leans into his hands that weave through his hair, brushing them with admiration. "And then rebuilding you back up again in the mornings like this."
Regulus scoffs, shaking his head. "You can also just say that you like how I sound when you take me apart."
"I know." James laughs softly, leaning in for another brief peck to his lips again. "But it sounds much more poetic that way, don't you think?"
He's always been the more romantic out of the two. A wielder of words, whereas Regulus exhibited his love in touch. Actions such as this. James leans further into his kiss again, props himself onto his forearms to hover over him, bring himself closer.
Regulus melts into the kiss, as always. He has this ability to be whisked away into a cosmic existence when James kisses him. When James does anything to him, but the kisses grant a different kind of ascension.
He almost whines when James pulls away, but makes up for it with his hands cupping his face, diving into his hair, massaging his scalp gently. They press their foreheads together, James does this thing where he rubs his nose against Regulus's own. It's cheesy, but nobody is around to witness it and it feels safe to smile, do it back, soak himself up in the affection he's lacked his whole life.
"Promise me you'll never go." Regulus whispers in the little space between them. The words brush against James's lips, and his eyes open to gaze upon the soft layer of concern Regulus belays.
"Where would I go?"
"Anywhere." Regulus says quickly. "I'm a difficult person, a lot could happen."
"A lot has happened, love. I'm still here."
Regulus swallows. A lot has happened. They've been through ups and downs back and forth, forced apart, brought back in together. But there's a deep pit in Regulus's chest, a hole that feels empty, like a portion of him is missing. Like there's an inevitability Regulus cannot avoid and no amount of promises could keep them safe from it.
"Let's get some sleep again, yeah?" James offers, and Regulus nods, kissing him back again before the mattress sinks in to James's weight beside him. He turns his head, looking at him as James readjusts their sheets.
They're safe. It's warm. James is beside him, here as he always has been. Regulus presumes it's just his anxiety speaking, and presses his fist into his sternum, rubbing at the dull ache. He'll sleep it off, closes his eyes and wills it to be gone when he wakes up again.
Regulus does wake up again, with an uncertainty towards how much time had passed. But he wakes up to a cold breeze brushing against his face, and the night sky still prominent behind the glass window. It takes him a couple of minutes to blink the deep slumber away, the heaviness that has him in and out of the sleepy daze, but soon he rises back to consciousness when more coldness wraps around him.
There's no sunshine that seeps through his window like a golden waterfall, and no warmth that Regulus is used to being emitted from the man beside him. His arm falls to his side, and surprisingly right onto the pillow he'd just watched James lay his head on.
But there's no head, nor is there James. There's no warmth, or sun. There's no dent in the mattress where his head had been resting, or tangle of his sheets on his right side. It's all untouched, and cold. Empty.
It has been empty, Regulus remembers now. James hadn't slept in this bed for months now, and Regulus only saw him in dreams. Dreams where his promise remained kept, where the inevitability couldn't reach to penetrate it. Dreams where James was around, and alive, and death couldn't take him away just yet—though it had always been waiting, patient and inevitable, a shadow at the edges of every promise. Even one as strong as this one.
Stolen Glances, Whispered Breaths: a jegulus microfic
very angsty, major character death(canonical)
“James,” the way Regulus says his name makes him pause. His voice sounds so broken, like his vocal cords were constricted by the raw emotion consuming his every thought. James looks down at the mark on his left arm, and feels his heart stop.
No. No. No.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
“Regulus,” James answers him in return, his breathing uneven and there’s a tremor in his hands, and oh, Gods. Regulus knows he doesn’t understand, or maybe he does and that’s why he’s blinking tears from his eyes. He can tell James wants to reach for him, but the other quickly turns and walks away, as if he couldn’t stand the thought of losing him this way. Standing in the astronomy tower alone, Regulus whispers to the boy who can’t hear him anymore, “I’m sorry.”
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
When James gets the letter in two years time, he locks himself in his room at the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, and wails. His heart hurts, like someone has ripped it from his ribcage and he can’t breathe. Regulus, his Regulus, is gone and can never be brought back. If only he reached out more(James knows deep down he could’ve reached as far as the Sun and Regulus still wouldn’t have accepted his hand). It almost makes him wonder if Regulus was prepared to die this entire time.
It shouldn’t have ended this way.
Buried underneath a swarm of inferi, Regulus Black knows he’s dying alone in this cave. He’s dying. Drowning in his own regrets, guilt, and sorrow. He screams for his older brother to save him, even though he knows he’s not coming. He thinks about the only boy he had ever loved, his name is on the tip of his tongue, but he can’t even breathe it out.
James was floored. I mean, how was he supposed to act normal? He, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were by the Great Lake, catching up after spring break. Well, he and Sirius didn’t have much to catch up on, considering that they lived together, but still. Everything was going great. Remus was telling them about the garden he had planted over the break, when he interrupted. Regulus Black.
Regulus had moved in over the summer. Which had stirred up some confusing feelings in James. He knew he was bisexual, obviously, but he was not prepared for the complex feelings that arose whenever Regulus made eye contact with him. That’s his best friend’s little brother. His very protective best friend’s little brother. The point is, James had tried to stamp out his feelings. He really had. But, Merlin, it was difficult. And now, Regulus was asking Sirius something, but James couldn’t care less about what he was saying. He was too focused on the small metal ball he could see on Regulus’s tongue whenever he talked.
James felt hot. Was it hot? He looked around at his friends. Sirius seemed indifferent and the other two were talking about some book they had read. How was no one noticing this?! Regulus had opted to stay at the castle over the break to be with Barty and Evan. Was this what they did in their spare time? Gave Regulus Black hot piercings just to torture James?! He was losing it. He couldn’t take his eyes off of Regulus. The sun was setting, casting a golden glow on all of them. James was fucked. He couldn’t hold it in any longer.
“When did you get that?” He blurted out, gesturing vaguely to Regulus’s face.
Regulus moved his gaze from Sirius to James, raising an eyebrow. James could see him unconsciously move his piercing along the roof of his mouth as he opened his mouth to respond. Which just made James's situation worse. “My tongue piercing?” Regulus asked, his tone skeptical.
James’s cheeks flushed and he nodded. Regulus just stared at him, confusion evident on his face before answering.
“Barty gave it to me over the break. We got a little too bored one night.”
Sirius narrowed his eyes. “I didn’t even notice.” He said, bumping his shoulder against James’s. “Good eye, Prongs.”
James was surprised that Sirius didn’t ask why James was staring at Regulus’s mouth. The relief outweighed the surprise, however. That would be one awkward conversation.
“Well…it- it looks really good, Reg.” James stuttered out, his gaze meeting Regulus’s.
It could’ve been a trick of the light, but James could’ve sworn he saw a light pink blush dust Regulus’s cheeks. However, Regulus just averted his gaze and muttered out a thank you before telling Sirius bye and heading back to the castle. The conversation carried on around him, but James was too focused on the retreating figure that was Regulus Black.
—
“He noticed! And he said it looked good!” Regulus practically squealed into his pillow (which he was using to hide his bright red face) as Barty and Evan sat on his bed and watched him.
“Well, he better have noticed.” Barty scoffed. “He has those glasses for a reason.”
Evan laughed as Regulus sat up and chucked the pillow at Barty, who easily dodged it.
“Oh shut it. This is a really big deal for me!” Regulus exclaimed. Evan nodded, looking at him.
“I can see why. I mean, nobody else noticed until he said something about it. He had to have been looking at your mouth to see it, in the first place. I’ve been telling you since the start of the year, Reg. That boy is gone for you.” Evan said, raising his eyebrows at Regulus.
Regulus just blushed more. “I know I know. You’ve told me multiple times. But… I don’t know. He’s so perfect. The Gryffindor golden boy. It’s just completely incomprehensible that he would like me.”
Barty rolled his eyes. “Oh come on, Reg. You’re hot shit. Again, that dumbass has glasses for a reason. If he can’t see that, one, you are in love with him, and, two, that you’re hot shit, then he is genuinely stupid.”
Regulus picked at his nails. “Whatever. All I care about is that he noticed. He noticed me. This is the best day of my life.”
Barty looked up from where he was examining his green nail polish, gasping in offense.
“Excuse me?! What about the day when you met me?” He asks indignantly.
“Barty, you flipped me off within the first 5 minutes of talking and then wouldn’t leave me alone for the rest of the train ride.” Regulus deadpanned.
Barty huffed. “Well, you stuck around, didn’t you?”
Regulus just sighed and fell back on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Evan and Barty started talking (probably flirting) but Regulus’s mind was too occupied to comprehend what they were saying. He was too busy thinking about James.
—
James needed to clear his head. Fresh air sounded like a great antidote to his current rushing thoughts. So, after they had all climbed into their four posters and the other three fell asleep, James silently slipped out of bed, pulling on his invisibility cloak and heading up to the Astronomy Tower. He quietly snuck up the winding stairs, not wanting to alert the annoyingly observant Mrs. Norris, who James swore could see past his cloak. He got to the top of the stairs and pushed open the door, closing his eyes as he breathed in the cool night air.
Regulus, who had also snuck up to the tower for the same reason as James, froze as he heard the door open. He turned, eyebrows furrowing as he saw no one there. The door closed, but Regulus quite literally did not see anything. Hogwarts was known for ghosts, but they were all somewhat visible. He took a step forward.
“Erm, hello?” He asked tentatively.
James, who had opened his eyes at the sound of that voice, also froze. His mind was racing. Regulus couldn’t see him, obviously. He could leave. He could turn around right now and Regulus would never know that it was him. That was the most sane option. But James wasn’t thinking right. Currently, his mind was flashing back to earlier, to Regulus in the sunset, to his tongue piercing glinting in the light. Fuck. James took a deep breath and slowly pulled his cloak off.
“Hey, Reg. Sorry, I didn’t know you were up here.” He said, folding up his cloak so he didn’t have to make eye contact with the younger boy.
Regulus stared at him. And then stared some more. Well this was just amazing. James was the last person he wanted to see up here. Not that he didn’t want to see James, but… being alone with him sounded like the sweetest kind of torture. It was the kind of torture that Regulus would gladly go through again and again, no matter how much it hurt, just so he could see James. Just so he could be with him.
“It’s fine.” He murmured, blinking rapidly. “You can stay.”
James gave him one of his blinding, heart melting grins and joined Regulus at the rails of the tower, leaning forward on them as he looked up at the stars. Regulus stood next to him, looking up as well. There was a slightly awkward silence, but it wasn’t too horrible. They stood there, gazing up at the stars, before James broke the silence, raising his hand and pointing at a group of stars.
“That’s the Leo constellation. That’s where your star is. It’s the heart of the lion.” James said, before looking over at Regulus.
Regulus met his gaze, blood rushing to his face. Everything else had faded out of his vision. The only thing he could see was James. James knew where his star was. Which could mean nothing, right? But, Merlin, Regulus hoped that it didn’t mean nothing. Because to Regulus, it meant everything.
“You… you know where my star is?” He asked softly.
James laughed sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand as he averted his gaze. “Of course I do, Reg. Why would I not? I mean… it’s you.”
Regulus’s breath caught in his chest. Regulus was an introvert. He hated taking the initiative, being a leader. However, it was like something came over him at that moment. The way the sliver of moon cast a dim light on the both of them, the way James was so obviously blushing, his tan skin flushed, was too much for Regulus to handle. The next thing he knew, he had moved forward, gotten on the tips of his toes, and kissed James Potter.
James’s eyes widened, before fluttering close as he pulled Regulus closer by the waist. He was so very confused, but he wasn’t going to question it. Regulus Black was kissing him. That’s not something you question. And so James kissed him back. Quite eagerly, actually. Regulus pulled away far too soon for James, but he was delighted to see Regulus smiling shyly. This was a sight he could get used to.
“You kissed me.” James said softly, meeting Regulus’s eyes.
“You kissed me back.” Regulus whispered.
“Was I not supposed to?”
“No, you were.”
James laughed softly. “So…does this mean…?”
Regulus looked up at him. “I like you, James. I have for a long time. I probably should’ve asked before kissing you, or talked to you. Sorry.” He cheeks flushed. “But really, I like you. And I totally understand if you don’t like me, or if this is too much and you’re not ready. I just…I needed to tell you.”
James stared at the very obviously nervous boy in front of him. “Regulus. I just kissed you back. Very excitedly, actually. Of course I like you, too. I also have for a while.” He smiled and pushed an errant curl behind Regulus’s ear.
Regulus’s nervous demeanor melted away. “Oh.”
James laughed. “Yeah, oh.”
He pulled Regulus into another kiss, but leaned in slowly in case Regulus wanted to pull away. He didn’t.
They broke apart a few minutes later, arms wrapped around each other. James was entranced and Regulus was just looking up at him, smiling like he would never be able to stop.
“So, Potter.” Regulus said, trying to make his voice serious. James grinned.
“Yes, Black?” He responded in an equally serious voice.
“Are you going to ask me out?”
James laughed, pressing another kiss to Regulus’s lips. “Yes. Regulus Black, will you go out with me?”
Regulus broke his serious facade and laughed, too, nodding. “Yeah, I’ll go out with you.”
James beamed brightly, bringing up his finger to twirl one of Regulus’s curls around it.
“I have one stipulation, though,” said James.
“Oh?” Regulus asked, raising an eyebrow. “And what is that?”
“You have to do all the talking.”
“Erm… why?” Regulus asked in a confused tone.
James grinned. “So I can see your piercing, duh.”
Regulus blushed deeply. “Oh Merlin, shut up.”
He hid his face in James’s chest, who laughed and rested his chin on Regulus’s nest of black curls. “It’s hot, what can I say?”
Regulus groaned and looked up at him. “Is that the only reason you asked me out? Because you like my tongue piercing?”
James gave a fake offended gasp. “What?! No! I also asked you out because you’re a good kisser!”
Regulus lightly smacked his shoulder, snorting. “You’re so stupid.”
“Says the one who kissed me first.” James shot back.
Regulus sighed. “You’re never gonna let me live that down, are you?”
“Nope!” James said, smiling widely.
Regulus just shook his head and looked up at James. “Well, I’m gonna do it again.” Before James had a chance to give a witty comeback, Regulus kissed him. They melted against each other, both of them smiling into the kiss. Regulus had never been this happy before, and neither had James. For a moment, everything around them had frozen and it was just them. James and Regulus. Regulus and James. They both knew, as they pulled apart and smiled at each other, that this was it. This was the romance that James had never known he needed, that Regulus had been dreaming about his whole life. This was forever.
I thought of this, and wrote it, late last night. Warning for a lot of angst :]
Regulus Black didn't die in that cave, he woke up with paramedics fussing around him in an unfamiliar humming room, with severe head injuries that cause the loss of basically all his memories.
He remembers his name, but nothing else. Vague recollections of a sibling, possibly a brother? Maybe the occasional glimpse of a boy when he watches the sun rise that next morning, but nothing of his previous life remains.
So, he starts a life in the muggle world.
Sometimes weird things would happen, he would think he saw skeletal horse-like creatures on the edges of forests, or complete strangers would give him sad or angry looks. He especially remembers a tired man with brown hair and strange scars across his face double-taking when he saw him, a surprised but sad expression crossing his face before Regulus quickly walks by, his mind quickly moving on his new job.
A few years later, this job requires him to take a trip to a small little town called Godric's Hollow. The house he stays in is a quaint little one, almost on the edge of town, but the whole town seems to stay away from it.
He visits the town's cemetery while out on one of his walks in the cold, the winter air biting at his skin. He wanders aimlessly, and eventually he finds himself in front of the graves of the previous owners of the house he is staying in, as he was later told who they were by the groundskeeper.
He leans down, brushing the dirt and leaves from the gravestone, digging out grime from the grooves that form letters.
As he reads the names on the rough stone, his chest begins to ache in a way he hasn't felt since that first sunrise, and he feels icy tears slip down his cheeks.
Why is he crying? He didn't even know these people.
But as he goes back to that house, as he leaves the town, and as he continues his normal, boring life, he can't seem to rid James Potter's name from his mind.
(I could potentially expand and add ghost James... then Harry could show up... is that something you guys would like to see maybe??? :D)
