PTSD
I can't don't remember when or why sleeping got little bit easier, I suppose I was distracted with all the lemons 🍋 I'm suppose to make lemonade with.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a hamster wheel of misery with small fleeting moments of genuine peace and I can gaurentee someone's actions makes those already short spots of happiness shorter 😔. What's painful to my mind is what I can remember, but my body remembers everything my mind won't, which fester's it's own problems that make no sense to most.
I never use to be so anxious, its got considerably worse where I just can't bring myself to leave my space even if I despise it. That time I drummed up the courage (can you even call it that) to try and find the man who let his friend and someone I know rape me in my sleep, which soon felt pointless as I knew that even if I was acknowledged it wouldn't change anything. That's the argument that doesn't stop, the solution that always comes round is that there is just Nothing I can do because anything they say or do won't change what happened.
Despite "time's changing" there are still loads of "Andrew Tate's, Jeffery Epsteins and Robert Kelly's" of the world not to mention the women who enable these men. Sexual assault is still something that both sexes experience at a exspadential number, similar to sexuality I think it only feels more because of awareness and more people speaking up and out.
Society still moves in a way where people don't get involved even if they see something they think is morally wrong, while I'm writing this I think that's what my anxiety is tied to, the older I've got I've grown to understand that people ain't shit and most will watch you burn in the flames of a car crash (theoretically and literally). Being bullied at school and work and just generally having really shitty things happen to me and people have seen and said nothing, absolutely nothing even "law enforcement" do absolutely nothing.
I'm the eldest and estranged from my family and sometimes my mentality is I cannot trust anyone else to take care of me but me, because I can't trust that when things happen in public or behind closed doors, like they repeatedly have done, that anyone will have my back 😔. I've been outside once in a week and had my phone on do not disturb, I want to enjoy the world but it had hurt me in ways that makes it very difficult to face outside.
I want to move on, I want better things for myself but I can't keep living in constant intense fear like this. I understand that some people don't even know there doing bad by you and for some stupid reason I give people especially men a grace that they do not deserve, it stills goes back to, grace or not it can't changed what has happened to me.
I don't really know where to go from here, but '🙋🏾♀️hello sleepless nights and night terrors I didn't think you was gone for good'.
Tinashe - Dreams Are Real (Prod By Mae N Maejor Smash David)
