there's a photo of me from march, with my mom when we were traveling around my birthday and.. i look pretty? i look happy i look alive. that's so weird. there are possibly no other pictures of me of any similar age to what i am now other than that one where I look... happy. and i remember being happy... vaguely.. I remember the two migraine days during that trip and I remember blocking some stupid guy who dared to text me happy birthday when I was having the best week of my life. the best week of my life how stupid does that sound? it was before I swapped to matches. Which is funny because my first matchbox was one I got from a bar in that city, the food was good but i didn't eat much. I wasn't eating much. even on my birthday. I just.. couldn't. in a city, getting my ear pierced like i'm stamping myself with the moment instead of the metal. like devoting that moment to the feeling. the lady who pierced my ear had the biggest smile and the softest voice. she was happy. I was starving and having panic attacks every night and burning my hands in hot tea but i was happy. that's crazy to me because now, i eat more then i did during that stage, i've been clean for at least a month not that i've been tracking it at all, and im fucking miserable. i had less memories then though. I wonder if that was even me then or if it was Zinnia. might have been both of us... I remember being unable to think about It. unable to remember then. she has that effect on me, softening. makes life a little more bearable to have so much wonder bleed from her into me, makes time a little less scary when you can't remember the dark. what i'm trying to say is that i hated myself then and i hate myself now but it wasn't the same. for a week, in some pitfall i was at my lowest, and now that's the last moment that stood out to me. march. daffodils wilting just a day after they bloom. getting callbacks and thinking maybe i can do this. maybe i could want to live enough to live trying to do something i love. maybe i can work hard enough. I don't feel that way anymore. I guess it's good to know I felt it at some point.
