quinn

he/him/it/bat/ask .. vent blog

[luciferslapdog]

quinn. minor (early teen)

vent blog

he/ask/it/bat. tboy

dni if ur T.R.A.S.H. or dont believe in transandrophobia or are pro-ana/mia/sh/any of that. also fuck off if youre anti recovery, anti kin, pro/neu endo, or radqueer

this blog might contain vents about sh or suicide. please block if youre uncomfortable.

i am otherkin.

my dms and asks will be open if you want to provide, or seek, support.

[luciferslapdog]

relapsing on the autumnal equinox. call that mablood

[luciferslapdog]

im TRYING to have an avoidant attachment style but i keep pulling too many bitches!!!! more at 7

[luciferslapdog]

literally comical thing that happened recently: almost got into an argument with the bitch i pulled. spilled drink on myself IN THE ACT of trying to do so and they had to help me.

[luciferslapdog]

on some level, i think i always understood / that a ship could never really love an anchor / so i did the only thing that i could / and severed the rope that sent you sailing from my harbor

[luciferslapdog]

everythings so miserable. im so miserable. my life fucking sucks. im alone. i literally have no one except two flimsy online friends who i cant even really talk to about my feelings. i will never find love. i will never be happy. my life is so terrible that the only way i can even be temporarily content is to ignore everything. i have the most horrible luck, the most monotonous joyless life.

maybe its me. maybe im too picky to find someone who can meet my impossible standards. maybe im too negative. maybe im too loud. maybe im too queer. maybe its me.

[luciferslapdog]

i brought this upon myself. was it worth it?

[luciferslapdog]

im an optimist, i like to think positively. but it does suck sometimes, you know? it sucks how i probably will never have a good, sufficiently masculine voice. and i'll certainly never have the voice i used to. i want to sing like that again. i want to sing, but i don't recognize my own voice, even if other people say it's pretty, it isn't mine.

bad dysphoria day today.

[luciferslapdog]

relapsed. yowza

[demonboyhalo]

collection of useful things tumblr has taught me:

even if you can't fall asleep, laying down with your eyes closed will still rest your body

you don't have to brush your teeth standing up

you don't have to do any chore standing up, from dishes to showering

you don't have to shower with the lights on

if you can't brush your teeth, flossing and a tongue scraper gets rid of plaque and bad breath

if you can't do that, mouthwash kills a lot of bacteria

eating "unhealthy" food is better than eating no food

you can make the same meal everyday for however long you still want it

some pills come in syrups or chewables if you can't swallow them

kids nutritional shakes can be a quick way to get fuel if you can't eat/don't have time

if walking hurts/exhausts you on a regular basis, canes and rollers are for you, no matter how young you are

we have free will—if doing something "out of the ordinary" makes life easier for you, do it

if you have even a dollar to spare, please consider donating to Alaikum's family.

they're now at 40% of their goal due to your donations, which help keep them fed now that the borders are closed!

[luciferslapdog]

fucking hate moral ocd. the charlie kirk situation has triggered it so bad and im now spiraling over whether its morally deplorable to be glad that someone suffered and died if they were such a net negative influence on society. fun times! oh and im also spiraling over a few other things too which is even more fun /s

[luciferslapdog]

hey! just want to reiterate. do not fucking interact with me if youre radqueer. do not fucking interact with me if youre proship. do not fucking interact with me if youre pro-ai. fuck off.

[luciferslapdog]

yesterday, i cried.

i cried for a mother i could never have. my mother was never that. she never felt as if she knew how to 'mother', she never felt as if she understood what it was like to 'child', either. i held onto hope that she would understand, but the time for that never came, and the hope was crushed.

i didn't feel as if i mourned for my mother, for her, for a person. i mourned for the concept of mother. for the love i could have had, had a pin dropped, had something, anything, gone differently, had she maybe been granted the time to learn. to understand. had i maybe been granted the time to find someone who could be something better for me.

but now i can't have any of that. no matter how many empty promises of love come my way, no matter how many husks of figures pass me by, there will never be something as grounding, anchoring, loving as she couldve been. wouldve been. and was, to some effect. because although she didn't understand, she was all i had.

and today, i went outside.

i realized that as i had been taken from my mom, i was given to the earth. for there was no human who could hear my sorrows and could understand. there was nothing that could fill the gaping hole in me like the earth my mother, her mother, and all the mothers before her, rose from.

i told mother nature of my pain, i watched the limbs of the bushes dance and the trees up high in the distance wave to me and the sun beat down on my skin and the grass crush under my feet. i called her "mommy", and the wind spoke through the bushes, in an ambiguous response. one that didn't stand out to me as a call to me, nor comfort, but certainly not one of hatred. quiet acceptance, i suppose?

if only the way i hear her could be put into words.

if only the way i hear her could truly soothe my fragile human mind and heart.

but i was simultaneously alone and together, and that counted. that helped, that soothed. but didn't fill the void. not really.

will the void ever be filled?

[luciferslapdog]

what flashed through my head when i realized i would never have the mom i wanted:

little chocolates and peppermints in drawers and purses

getting an allowance, however meager

silly songs being sung to me

ladles of hot soup to soothe my throat when im sick

my full name being called from across the house

warm baths and bath toys and getting my long hair washed

the hope of a house that didn't smell like cigarettes

cereal and cartoons

playing outside and laying in the grass

bedtime stories and being tucked in

getting my hair brushed until its silky smooth, and feeling pretty without it feeling bad

holding someones hand when crossing the street

always, always knowing mama loves me

[luciferslapdog]

im TRYING to have an avoidant attachment style but i keep pulling too many bitches!!!! more at 7

[luciferslapdog]

[luciferslapdog]

i was finally doing good and as soon as i feel good and im thinking about how im healing and im writing and i get done with my writing and then i fucking CRASH. its so so so so fucking tiring. it happens every time. i just wanna feel good again. dysphoria hitting hard in these times. not "ooo i wish i was a real boy" but in the abstract sense. the dysphoria where your name doesnt feel yours, not directly because its too feminine, but because its tied to the exact person, the exact GIRL you were expected to be. the kind of dysphoria that makes your body feel distant from you, the kind of dysphoria that sucks the hope for the future out of you, the kind of dysphoria that makes everything feel pointless. im tired of people boiling it down to just "i wish i was a boy." because i KNOW im a boy. i AM a boy. so why does it still feel like this. being trans isnt as easy, isnt as black and white as people make it out to be. its not as surface level. transness makes me. transness is in my bones and it can lift me up and it can eat me and it can chew me up and spit me out and its so powerful. it is not a wish. it is my life.

[luciferslapdog]

one day i am gonna grow wings