#tw switching

[shitty-goose-quack]

an update (of sorts):

so, system wide a bunch of shit has happened, a lot of the old crew has fused/gone dormant/is gone, including Quinn, Thea, Violet, Nigel, Cuatra, and prolly some others idk

there are a bunch of new ppl, including our new host (i think) Ethan?? or smth honestly idk, we're trying to just like vibe and live life and thinking about did/being a system has kinda been put on the back burner, meaning that most of us are all kinda blendy and shit? idk bro everything is confusing and thinking about it makes us dicociate and maybe we're not a system? it feels so much easier to just live life as once person, whose name isn't our birth name and isnt quinn and isnt ethan, (idk what it is but none of those feel right). Also, as you may have noticed a couple of us started hyperfixating/obsessing on taylor swift and so i've been doing "swiftie rehab" (i mean obsessing litteraly it was not/is not healthy) and now that its goin away life feels meaningless and just jesus fuck no one cares

i want to be a system, i want to feel how i used to but now nothing feels real and i just keep feeling like one person, a person who wants to be involved with their irl friends, and wants to be able to listen to music besides stuff by taylor swift, and wants to find a name that works and stick to it, and find a gender that works and stick to it

i love myself, i love who i am, and sometimes, I don't feel like this. sometimes i feel like a little autistic boy like i wasn't alowed to bewhen i was little, who stims and likes trains and can cry. but maybe that isn't me

~~~okay sorry for all the word vomit but im having an epiphany~~~

i am who i just talked about. that is me. i am trying to find a name. i love watching youtube videos about language evolution and geopolitics. i have a love/hate relationship with competitive swimming, i'm exicted for this wednesday and everything after that. i like hanging out with A***a, Ar****s, V*****e, N***n, and probably A*e, G****a, H*****, N** etc. I dont really care how i look gender-wise, or im happy with how i look now. that is who i am

there are other people who i know who are not me

okay so anyway, that was kinda for me, basicaly to translate im gonna try and not be so fucking controling over the other people i share this body with. they can do their own things and i'll try to leave control and trust them.

tl:dr: im back maybe probably, my pronouns are he/they, and i dont have a name

im a fusion or smth from people who posted here before, but i think i front a lot more than the other people do.

[nemophilist-system-blog]

Things I’ve learned about the system; info dump possible tw

Rowan here; always studying

We have 6 known “active” alters, one dormant/no longer with us, and our lovely body.

Rowan 17-19 nbmasc they/he curiosity devotion passion

Shayne 25-29 cismale he/him frustration protective gatekeeper confusion

Kvaethi 22-24 cisfemale she/her joy elation empathetic sadness motivator like goodvibes type

Maebh late 30s cisfemale she/her kindness gentle tender love caretaker

Kallie 14-17 nbfemme she/they excitement wonder childhood

Hymn 28-30 nbmasc ey/em drive focus work faith trust

There are two parts to the inner world; the Lakehouse, Inner Sanctum area where the “active” alters live. No one can get into the Lakehouse unless they introduce themself to Shayne, trying to fix that, Hymn has been trying to enter for years but couldn’t due to a communication error

Communication is scattered, fuzzy like talking through walkie talkies or across the room or bad phone lines some sentences will go on for days without registering multiple conversations at once hard to focus on who should be first in line

Shayne keeps track of everything always watching always trying to step in when he thinks it’s too much makes it hard to talk to therapists lovers friends anyone at all about the trauma

Kvaethi stable most of the time but easily triggered Shayne feels like we all should take better care of her because she just brushes us off

Maebh has a hard time connecting because her personality triggers trauma memories for the wrong reasons loving/caring =\= motherly got to remember that

Really really really intense desire to talk about system stuff because it’s so hard to hear inside the headspace

Outer area of the Inner World is the Forest, lots of chaos, lots of people lost, dangerous to go out alone, can get lost for days, Forest = disassociative episode

The wolves live in the forest, inside if they are connected to system or to internal fears

Will write more when Shayne is not trying to shut me up

I love him I don’t see why he pushes me away so hard.

[lanternskyy]

What feels worse for you:

Fighting a switch in front of someone?

Switching in front of someone?

[systemtraumadumping]

tw: is talk of switching a trigger for people? idk. mention of other mental illnesses as well.

Also, this post is all over the place. I'm not all here right now. Sorry.

---

God, I love rapid-switching /s

But that's the norm for us and I literally do not know why. Sometimes we switch once every few hours and sometimes it's multiple times in the span of 5 minutes.

Super confusing for our husband, but he notices the switches faster than we do. It's a little astounding. Obviously he can't always tell who swapped out, but the amount of times he can is kinda scary?

But no, I'd like to be in control of my body for more than just 5 minutes, ya know? That's not even long enough for a YouTube video. We all like long-form content and we end up switching between like 2 or 3 videos sometimes because some of us get stuck in basically a revolving door.

I don't have a trauma therapist yet (just a regular one for specializing in ADHD and Autism) or anyone who remotely knows how to handle DID on the professional level, so I just kind of deal with it and hope it isn't so frequent we get a headache, cause that's just annoying for everyone.

It gets really bad during manic/hypomanic episodes (diagnosed bipolar 2). Like, we're talking 4+ people out at once on a rapidly rotating platform that replaces them one at a time, it feels like. It gets incredibly confusing, so my hypomania comes with a lot of dizziness, confusion, and dissociation. That's fun.

Basically, I hate the symptoms that come with the disorder, but we wouldn't give up each other for the world. We just want functional multiplicity...

---

Also, the amount of times we've been fake-claimed for being able to (usually, except under a lot of stress or during depressive episodes) switch on command, especially to a protector if someone isn't taking care of the body... It pisses me off. Can't people just let people exist in peace? I have enough trauma to give me the damn disorder, I don't need others compounding the imposter syndrome I already suffer with....

-🗡️🖤

Hey anon,

I totally understand your frustration. Rapid switching can be super disorienting, and at least for us, causes a lot of headaches. I can imagine that it must be super distressing dealing with all the time. And I understand how you feel about your system. I view it the same as scars. Scars are from our body healing wounds, bringing skin back together. It saves us from injury; but sometimes the scars can restrict movement, sometimes they're really noticeable, sometimes they're itchy, sometimes people judge us for it. And yet still, without them, we wouldn't be here. I hope that you are able to reach your goal of functional multiplicity ! You guys deserve happiness, and to be able to work together smoothly. And I'm very sorry to hear that you have dealt with fake-claiming, but I will tell you now you are absolutely real and valid. People on the internet will never know your experiences like you know them; your pain is real. Not to mention, better control of switches is a good thing !! It's a step towards healing, and shouldn't be shamed whatsoever. Keep going anon, I know it's tough but I promise you guys will reach your goal. Keep searching for a medical provider who's going to listen and understand your struggles, they're out there and they can help you through your healing journey ❤️‍🩹/plat

-🌙

Nightmare System

[shitty-goose-quack]

LITERALLY STFU ABOUT TRUMP IM GONNA SCREAM

im very pissy/karen tonight

why the fuck do i care

bc ur a little dick

ur moms a little dick

fuck you

thats enough introspection for tonight, go traumatize yourself when im not here

systems at their finest