Nostalgic Campfire Rambles: Childhood Fictive -> Primary Host Ramble
I feel that is a good title to summarize what this is generally probably going to be centered on cause I got back from watching the new Wonka movie, and I always forget how much "Pure Imagination" and it's variants and the themes surrounding and shows that use it have always really hit home a lot as a part
Cause for those that don't know (which I don't think I've talked much about it because I personally don't even think back to it often let alone talk about it) before being host, before being really anything, I was originally introjected first and foremost as a "knight" "guardian" and imaginary play friend to keep our previous host at the time both company, having fun exploring both internally and in external play, and to generally keep said host and a few other parts hopeful and believing in a better end for us than what most of the system really stuck with.
And when childhood moves resulted in a lot of social stress and high pressure demands to adapt to new environments and make friends rapidly, I ended up also taking on social protector for a combination of positive and negative reasons, but one of which being that my ability to both engage other kids with fun imaginative worlds to self express in and ALSO my affinity to appeal to those struggling / outcasted by the fact I solely existed to accompany a traumatized outcasted child made me very good - as a child - for making friends.
And at the core of it, that was 85% of my function and existence for the first like 5-7 years of me "existing" and I always forget - having been primary host for at least 8 years now - that I was not *meant* to be out this long, that I wasn't *meant* to be host, that I wasn't *meant* to be a complex or elaborate part or anything like that.
And I don't mean that in a derogatory or doomer manner, but more so that the very means of which my perception and way of approaching the world was solely meant to be used as a survival mechanism in shitty situations to nurse and soothe high levels of distress. I'm *supposed* to be unbelievable, undying, and unrealistic hope and optimism that the system can blindly believe in when they are at the lowest of lows and that isn't *supposed* to be something that is meant to be kept up for *eight years* as the *primary fronter*.
And I forget just how extremely hard and long it took to modify the shit I was "given" and reconstruct it into something that could work as a host.
And I remember back in the first like 5-6 years of being "host", I almost always approached it as a "I am here just to fix it so that one of the True Owners can come back to a better life" and for those 5-6 years, being a "host" was a temporary job I "stepped up to" (more so got chucked it after one of the two original hosts completely dipped into dormancy and the other one already had 'given up on reality') until it was safe for one of the two to take their life back.
But over the years, and a lot of DID focused therapy, did I realize it was very much not going to happen and that this was a "for the foreseeable future" position and that if it were to change, it would almost certainly be through fusion / splitting rather than anything else. And it was a really guilty thing to realize for the first half year to a year and it was something that really didn't work for the longest time.
Honestly it only worked because I have one of the most fucking complex subsystems (which we fuse and unfuse regularly these days as its convenient) which made it possible to be functioning at an IMPOSSIBLY unsustainable manner for so long.
These days, being host is a lot more sustainable and easier and its honestly most of what I know and I'm good with that because I've really learned how to live As A Host in a sustainable way and really managed to hang up my "caretaker" and "protector" default lens in favor for a default host lense. Instead I pick those lenses up as they are helpful and it's done a lot to help my mental state, functioning, etc etc
But every so often, I think back to where I came from as a part in specific, and I realize.... despite all that growth, all that splitting and fusion that honestly leaves me HARDLY identifying with my source at all, I still very much operate on the same "machinery" of my original split-function as a very core aspect of how I engage with the world, the system, and how I just perceive things.
If anything, parts split and fused and shaped partially around it, to make it so that my natural nature and my role could co-exist sustainably - its part of why XIV and I are a "must have" duo for either of us to sustainably host.
But in the end of the day? I, as a part, am still a part very deeply driven by a very ideal and desired image of what I want to see and what I want to make happen in our life and in the world. I have very clear images of what I intend to see and intend to do and I am really anchored in making that a reality and making people - internal and external - believe in my ability to make that a reality.
I always have done that, I just have gone and taken it to the real world and our system had to adapt to the fact that its not something you can really separate from me as a part and thus something that we had to work safety plans and adaptations around as to make it possible to be undyingly dedicated and fully confident in my own vision. And it's honestly kind of an unnatural and unwavering confidence, dedication, and stubborn patience that I think really only comes from someone who originally split off as a fucking Shounen Protagonist troped character who sat around talking about escaping and exploring far away worlds and the conflicts of light and dark and nothingness and overcoming shit and all that crap.
I don't really operate well in a way of "I dream" or "I want" or "it would be nice" because I don't - from my original splitting off purpose - have the understanding of having luxury of being at all unsure or doubting in my vision of a better future for our system. It's all "I will" and "when I", because growing up, within my original function, if we were in crisis and completely low on hope - telling the traumatized depressed and desperate kid I existed to be the hopeful best buddy of that "I hope" and "I would like" and "I dream" that we would be able to be happy, be free, have anything worth living for, would not suffice to keep us alive and engaged in our own survival.
Back then, there wasn't room for "it would be nice" - there was only room for me to AUTHENTICALLY say and believe "Hey, you know, when we get the chance, we will go out and do this, we will have this and that and we will have these things to make sure we are always happy and safe. Of course we will because I have a plan. I know what we are doing, where we are going, and I know how to navigate obstacles. As long as you stay with me, I promise, there is no world where I will fail to show you that future that we can make when we get the chance"
And for better or worse, it's really gotten us far. It came at a huge fucking cost because the sheer number of times I had huge mental breakdowns and massive collapses and the system had scary crisis moments back when we were trying to figure out a way to keep me mentally sane WHILE literally having other severely depressed and suicidal parts literally (they had admitted it) waiting for *me* to give up and loose faith so they could feel ok *fully giving up* and thus forcing me to sustain the unrealistic and unsustainable sense of confidence and vision.... but like
Honestly, ever since XIV has been co-host, that hasn't been an issue because the two of us serve as eachother's "hope providing unwavering best friend" so now that there are two of us, we can both alternate and fill in for one another in the system when one of us is "down" and we can also serve the same role back to pull one another up.
And its been like three years or so since we established that dynamic and it really almost completely negated the "unsustainable" nature of the whole way our part of the brain approaches things and instead almost like... developed a "infinite unwavering confidence and faith in our ability to make whatever we think of a reality glitch" cause XIV and I loop endlessly in supporting one another and both of us exude enough dedication, ruthlessness, and vision to provide hope and engagement to the entire system
And it's really neat. Cause for the most part - this whole thing also applies to XIV as we are split from the same "original introject", we just both internalized and adapted our original functions in VERY drastically different ways.
But I dunno, I was just feeling a bit nostalgic and wanted to ramble and share. Feel free to chat and comment and add on if you like to this. This isn't really a vent but just kinda a "I wanted to share a story / reflection with you all" and so I gladly welcome and encourage anyone to be nostalgic and/or ramble and/or chat about anything this post might bring up in yall
Imagine we are at a cozy campfire in the forest with clear skies and bright stars just sharing the story of our lives. If you all wanna share, its the nature of the campfire and are more than welcome
I honestly might make that a tag "nostalgic campfire rambles"
(Endos and anyone who identifies as someone with DID, someone with a CDD, plural, and/or a system are welcome to engage in this post. We're just out here chatting about life and existence, it doesn't have to be clinical or too serious and I just like chatting)
