Whenever I have this positivity streak going it's always squashed by some fucked up dose of reality lol
So, this may be tmi, sorry to those who it is.. But I have had blood in my stool on and off for about 6-7 months now, and at first I thought they were just hemorrhoids but then I went to the ER for pain and such and they found a bad infection in my urine and said it was a UTI (ignoring the symptom of blood in stool which has nothing to do with a UTI.. and also I didn't have UTI symptoms besides cramping/back pain!?)
After that began the 6 month long constant follow ups with doctors to try and find answers and everyone telling me I'm "yound and healthy" so to just monitor it (despite it not getting better, if anything getting worse).
I got a call today from one of the doctors I spoke to about a month ago saying they referred me to a gastroenterologist specialist I will get a call from today. The GI place called and said that the referral made was for both a colonoscopy and an upper endoscopy.
So I made that for Jan. 6th, and while I know the goal was to get this to get answers, but I am freaking out about it now because 1) will have to be put under anesthesia (have never ever done this and I know there is a risk of not waking up from complications. And 2) I will find out pretty definitively if something is really wrong. And both of those possibilities, even though I know they are not definitives, feel so incredibly scary.
I also need someone to pick me up from the procedure and I don't really have anyone to ask. I could ask my friend but it's a Monday, she works, and she's pretty often busy and so I know the likelihood is she won't be able to. And then my brother tells everything to me mom who I am not in contact with and I don't want her knowing about these kinds of things right now bc she'll use it to her advantage. But apart from that it's not like I can ask my therapist for a ride. And so that logistical part is hard too. Less hard I guess, but hard.
And then there's the added horror of costs... like what will I owe for this procedure.. it'll have just become a new year and while I have the same insurance I will no longer have met the deductible/out of pocket max etc so that's something preoccupying my brain too.
Life just feels so heavy lately and scary and then moments like this happen that just feel like the floor falls out from underneath me, and it's just been hard.
