Logan has always had problems with anxiety. Figures, his mental health is shit. But lately, it hasn’t been the usual type of anxiety that he can just outrun with a bottle of whiskey. This time, his anxiety comes as he lives with Wade. This type of anxiety approaches him at the wrong moment, the moments he wishes he would just disappear. Like when he sees Wade and Vanessa hitting it off in their apartment, Wade getting a little too close to her. This anxiety, this fear, it hits Logan more physically. The majority of the time, his hands start to tremble, his breath hitches. But others, his claws snap out with a SNIKT. Logan tries his best to hide this, not wanting to worry his partner, hiding this until one day…
Logan is washing the dishes, the day going steadily and slowly by. Wondering all of the things he usually will, what’s he going to make for dinner, what things need fixing around the apartment, how beautiful he finds Wade. The warm water rushing into Logan’s large hands, dripping onto the plate, rinsing the soap away, down the drain. The rushing sound of water that flies into Logan’s ears is almost therapeutic, slowly pacing him into the pattern of grabbing the dishes, rinsing, washing, rinsing, drying. As he dries the last plate, suddenly it hits him. It had once, and it has again. What he said in the Honda, how badly it hurt Wade.
What if it still really bothers him… what if he doesn’t love me because of that… what if… what if.
The thoughts stream on and on, colonizing his mind. The rag still in his hands he looks down to his trembling hands. He clenches his fist, attempting to steady his hands, taking a deep breath. Easy. He brushes off the anxiety and settles into the couch with Wade, holding his warm torso. Wade feels the stiffness of his body, but when is Logan not stiff? Logan buries his face into wades neck, forcing the thoughts and anxiety out.
The same week, it’s wades birthday. Logan, Wade, Yukio, Ellie, Colossus, Nessa, and Peter all go to Wades favorite Pizza place, one with pizza that his cancerous stomach agrees with. The worry hits as Logan walks through the door. It’s manageable, but still sitting in his stomach like a pit. He refuses to show any sign of the worry for the sake of Wade. Everyone Wade had invited to his celebration showed up, carrying boxes covered in colorful paper and topped with bows. Everyone piled into Peter Pans Pizza Adventure, surrounding Wade who stood insistently by Logan’s side. The feeling of anxiety in Logan swells, but he conceals it well. The poor teenagers dressed in bright green tights that have to sing happy birthday to Wade and multiple other adults sing off key, but Wade looks like he’s having the time of his life, clapping to the tempo and smiling wide. It warms Logan’s heart seeing Wade have a good time, but it isn’t strong enough to vaccinate the anxiety. It hits him again, the thought of what he said. It rings loudly in his ears, almost consuming all the noise around him. It gets worse when Wade says, “not bad for a half witted moron eh?” He says when Wade wins pin the katana on Deadpool.
His heart sinks. When Vanessa cuts the cake, handing it out piece by piece, Logan looks down and sees his trembling hands.
“Not again…” he mumbles, staring wide eyed. Wade eventually notices, grabbing his partners wrist.
“Woah, peanut, what’s wrong? Your hand is shaking like a kid running on Halloween candy.” He says, unfortunately, loud as fuck.
Everyone starts to turn their attention to Logan, their eyes on his hands, just about in the line of vision. Logan stares at each of their faces, each filled with concern. His ears have been overwhelmed with the sound of his insult. The sound of a high pitched ringing haunting him. It covers the sound of wades friends speaking. All asking what’s wrong… he thinks. Some get up to make sure he’s alright. Logan isn’t sure his breathing is steady, all that is sure is that he’s a dick and the what if thoughts.
What if everyone is judging me for what I said? What if Wade is mad? If he remembered that, then does Wade still feel bad about what I said?!
It all continues, his hands trembling, his eyes wide and ringing pulsing in his ears.
Logan turned to wade, looking into his puppy dog eyes, seeing the concern and almost disappointment in his eyes that struck Logan.
What if he’s disappointed in me. What if he is mad at me. What if… what if.
authors note: DONT WORRY there will be a second part because I am not that evil… almost. As you probably know, I love digging into the other side of Wade and Logan’s relationship. Anyways, be out with second part soon.