gods and mothers and daughters
my mother’s divinity stains my fingers, my mouth all bloodened by her devouring faith.
she tells me if i fast if i keep my soul pure, god will forgive me for sinning/loving a woman/not wanting to marry a man of my faith. she tells me another priest in the village saw god and i bite my mouth so i won’t bite god in the wrist, i keep my mouth closed so god doesn’t get to leave the rotting stench of my rage, i kill myself so i don’t bring his wrath upon my devout mom.
when you ask me if believe in a god, i will lie between my teeth (as my grandmother through hers when she told my mother god will be good if you pray and god will punish if you don’t) and say “no” but we both know i can’t blame a god i don’t believe in, i can’t pray for his forgiveness if i don’t wish to forgive him.
My girlhood was defined by being an image of a goddess, they told all little girls “tum devi ka roop ho” (you are a face of the goddess) and all newly married women “laxmi ji ghar aayi hain” (goddess of wealth and prosperity has entered our house) but no one saw me that way, no one sees us that way. They call us a goddess and tell us to marry into households where an ordinary man would beat up his “goddess” wife. They call us a goddess and expect us to sit cross legged on the bed and tell our surviving daughters that god will be good if you pray and god will punish if you don’t and no one questions god for punishing the murdered girl fetuses for not praying when they weren’t even given a chance to learn to.
and yet i believe in all the inauspicious tales, i am afraid my mother’s prayers will stop protecting me any second, i am afraid the god will punish me for loving, i am afraid the god will ask for my kindness and i will hand him my life instead.
it becomes a cycle, mom. you will disappoint me like a god and i’ll claw at your approval like your devout, you will love me as a daughter and i will fear you as my god, you will continue chanting as i bleed (you have no choice, you can’t stop in between can you) and i will forgive you like a dog.
