[English] Why am I a badger?
[Sorry for my bad English, I’m French. I do my best]
As far back as I can remember, I have always felt non-human and animal. Today, I decided to take stock. Explain to you why the badger in particular and not another animal.
I have always perceived myself as animal, as far as I can remember (we will say around my 5 years).
I strongly remember this need to "burrow" (The Magic Bus, My underground adventure, The Lion King 3 ...), dig, dig, dig and create my own little underground cave. Put my hands in the mud and get me dirty. I got a lot of reprimands because of this, from the older people, I was told that the insects I could touch snuck into my clothes to get into my body overnight. I also got mockery from other kids. At that time, I found it more logical to feed myself on insects and snakes than "normal" food, I scratched the ground of my park in search of earthworms and snails. I did the same at the beach, my dream being to have a gigantic sand burrow. I could spend many hours there, "legs" in the grass.
At that time, I already felt this need to bite, scratch, sniff etc. (I will not go into details) to appropriate my body but also my favorite objects. I felt the intense need to score.
Looking for information on my past, my mother told me that I had an obsession with animal tails and that I dreamed of having one. Indeed, in my dreams, my imaginary friends all had one. So it was logical that I have one too! So I started to disguise myself as critters. I had a very hot panther disguise but that I was keen to wear also in summer. My parents then scolded me for not listening to them.
I remember. I played Pokemon Silver a lot and, after that, I had the idea of visualizing myself in the form of a Cyndaquilor and a Sandslash (two Pokemon badgers, by chance). In the game, my "starter" (my starting Pokemon) was called by my name and my main character was called "Human". I had made a whole family of Pokemon and I imagined my life with it. Because I was, in my eyes, the Pokemon and not the trainer.
I remember I was noisy, talkative too. I liked to scold, growl, purr when I played the animal (especially with friends where everyone had power. Mine was - of course - to change me into the animal of my choice). It seemed logical to me. I liked to visualize myself as an animal from a very young age from what I could understand.
Bigger, after my 12 years, I started to perceive myself as a small animal, very probably omnivorous and nocturnal (this animal became over time a wolf, then a raccoon dog, then a fox ... to reach the badger). The night made me serene. I wanted to have small animals and really behave like their “mom”.
I dreamed a lot. I always imagined the same story. I was a human-animal (often a fox) stranded in a zoo and forced to become human to "fit the mold". It was painful but I couldn't stop thinking about it. Like an exuctor...
On a daily basis, I am this animal, with a heavy and clumsy gait and not very agile and its arched back close to the ground, I am called the "vulture" for this reason.
I walk barefoot on the asphalt. I always take the same paths as the badger always goes through the same flows. I want people to understand that my pace is slow and off-beat, and that I can walk slowly while everyone else is running. That I find it more logical to browse in all corners than to trace straight ahead. I am curious, more opportunistic than hunter.
I want people to understand that, paradoxically in my gait, I can be nervous, on the lookout and terribly anxious outside of my established den. More prey than predator, I can stop, turn around with a start, contract my invisible ears, roll up my phantom limbs and growl in a weak breath ... and that for a simple sudden noise or an unexpected agitation. Sniffing everywhere does me good and is part of my daily life.
I find myself between two extremes: I am generally fierce and fearful towards strangers but I can become exuberant and agitated quickly after discovering that they did not want to hurt me. I hate the crowd and I like little commits. I am sociable and I like to have my little "clan" of friends. I trust too quickly. I really enjoy meeting new people even if, in this kind of situation, I remain a little tense and shy. I can strangely move from a state of calm solitude and reflection, to a state of anxiety and surveillance, to a state of hysterical joy, simply because the stress has eased.
Well, I think I am gregarious while having a real need for solitude even when I am with my closest friends or even my boyfriend, just for a moment. I am the badger who likes the company but who feels the need to "hunt" alone to recharge (I mean by "hunting" to eat insects and not really to hunt big animals). From a relational point of view, I am monogamous and I have a loyalty to the extreme, I am not jealous but get attached too quickly.
I am very expressive, my facial expressions and gestures are on the verge of caricature. I like to make my emotions understood by the way I move, speak, express myself, all in excess. I'm not very tactile with people I don't know very much. However, in a private setting, with my boyfriend, I am extremely playful. Maybe too much? I think it's natural to nibble, lick, jostle or go to bed afterwards to show my affection for him. In the game, I often feel the need to "subdue" it by lowering it to the ground. This is what seems to me the most logical in this game of "lovers".
I like to groom, rub myself, lick too. It is essential to mark each other (it is essential in my eyes) to create this bond of mutual belonging.
Noises allow me to express myself better than any way. I want to be able to groan to the fullest, growl in a breath and spit when I'm scared. I want to open my mouth, present my non-existent fangs and give claws that I don't have.
Conversely, I want to chuckle and squeak and purr with pleasure while coiling and rubbing my big ghost legs. There is something very sweet and reassuring about this.
As a general rule, I am very sensitive to smell, to my smell and that of others. Sniffing clothes (of my companion and myself) seems reassuring and logical. Our world is filled with scents and everything smells natural to me.
Like the badger, by chance, my eyesight is poor, I like to focus on my hearing. Since childhood, and probably because of my autism, noises warn me of a danger. I jump regularly, each sound tells me if I'm safe or not. A surplus of sounds can really make me panic. I am on the lookout for the slightest gesture or suspicious noise (doorbell, champagne cork ...)
I am afraid of things that are too big, too bright, too odorous-toxic, or too noisy.
I want to stop paying my head when I refuse to go to the movies or at a party because it is something "that people my age normally appreciate". I prefer to stay warm, quiet, take care of my business because I like to do things by myself ( like the huge burrows that are my websites ).
I repeat myself, I am terribly anxious and anxious by nature. Nothing makes me panic. I often ruminate, I live in permanent fear. I can not stand the crowd or find myself in a place "dead end" or too large (I walk along the walls). As said above, I can't stand the noises too loud to the point of actually making me panic.
I am generally noisy. I like to make noise. I like to reproduce animal cries, squeaks, chuckles, purrs, grunts) during games, fear, anger. It seems logical to me to express myself thus and quickly translate my emotion to my interlocutor. As said above, I express myself in caricatures. In front of my boyfriend, I reproduce certain facial expressions (show the fangs), and use certain positions of the body according to the situations (submission / dominance / game),
Sometimes I have a digitigrade approach but I perceive my creature as plantigrade. I see myself as the badger who walks on tiptoe when "it suits him".
My approach is heavy, clumsy and awkward. I am often set back when I walk with my friends, for lack of my slowness. I don't like to go fast. I like to browse everywhere, look around and warn of potential danger.
It's strange to admit, but I'm territorial. Since small. I hate that one can enter my room without authorization. It is my bedroom. My burrow.
Conversely, I feel bad in unknown places and more particularly empty spaces. I have a lot of panic attacks about this and I need to be treated.
I like to "make the animal". Scratch objects to appropriate them for me. Nibble on what falls under my paw to see my own body. I lick and scratch like a badger. It's my way of accepting my creature and my animality.
I am a nocturnal. I am alive when night falls. I become more productive, more restless. I like the day and the sunbeams, but I feel safer in the dark.
I don't particularly like the hierarchy but I like to perceive myself as "leader". I value my role as "chef", I like to direct and organize everything. I regularly worry about losing "my rank". However, I hardly ever show any aggressiveness.
I like to be "visible". I like to be noticed in groups of friends. I like to be exuberant and display very colorful clothes (like the atypical badger stripes). I like to be recognized from afar and stand out from others while being part of a group.
My fangs are my most recurring phantom limbs.
They are large, thick but not necessary made for shredding meat. This feeling forces me to keep the "mouth" slightly open because of the imposing shape of these teeth. My jaw seems, sometimes, attached directly to my skull, forcing me to eat without lateral movements and without "chewing" my food as a human could.
I rarely feel my limbs being ghosted or completely unpredictable. However, I regularly feel that my phantom ears can make a "forward / backward" gesture and this only, as can badgers with their ears.
I feel my phantom tail even if the feeling is quite "vague". It starts from the base of my spine, it is rather short and seems to swing in the sandstone of my movements. It remains static, whatever my emotions. It only stands in certain situations
I don't Real have phantom claws as such, but visualizing my fingers like long claws seems logical to me.
My unfeasible needs for my human body:
I think it makes sense to dig yourself (not steal borrow) your burrow to live there. I had a fixette on the burrows being small, especially when I was digging my "hole" at the beach all day. But my claws were not "powerful" enough,
which was very unpleasant to me.
Living in a burrow, far from danger, reassures me.
Live in this little underground world accompanied by my badger companions, sheltered from everything, isolated from the world.
I would like to use these claws to scratch and claw the trees around me, to leave my mark there, my passage,
because it is about my territory. I suffer from not being able to utter certain cries which seem to me "logical". My vocal cords are not the right ones. I really suffer from it
My body makes me suffer and I have real dysphoria.
I would like to be small, lively, legs plantigrade but with a digitigrade gait, more "
. My joints are not the right ones. My legs are too long compared to my arms.
My beardless naked skin really disgusts me, my chin should be nonexistent, my lips bother me. I should have thick fur. I see myself well with a long snout and vibrissae. Round or pointed, I need ears on the top of my head. I would like to feel these fangs in my mouth and these long, non-retractable claws at my fingertips.
I WANT this bushy tail that we mustelids, no matter its size (as long as it is larger than that of a bear, a hamster or a rabbit). I don't like my body and all of its forms (the chest, for example).
Finally, I really need to have a subcaudal gland to mark my territory as well as my loved ones.
