storyteller

wendy / student / writer / storyteller / artist

[wingedhoney]

heavenly words

aliferous: (adj.) having wings

apricity: (n.) the warmth of the sun in the winter

aspectabund: (adj.) letting emotion show easily through the face or eyes

aurora: (n.) dawn

balter: (v.) to dance gracelessly, but with enjoyment

cafune: (n.) the act of running your fingers through the hair of someone you love

catharsis: (n.) release of emotional tension

charmolypi: (n.) a mixed feeling of happiness while being sad

diaphonous: (adj.) light, translucent, and delicate

dulcet: (adj.) sweet

ephemeral: (adj.) fleeting

ethereal: (adj.) extremely delicate and light in a way that seems too perfect for this world

eutony: (n.) the pleasantness of a word’s sound

halcyon: (adj.) a period of time in the past that was idyllically happy and peaceful

illecebrous: (adj.) enticing

irenic: (adj.) promoting peace

kalon: (n.) beauty that is more than skin-deep

kalopsia: (n.) the seeing of things as more beautiful than they actually are

lacuna: (n.) a blank or missing part

lilt: (n.) a pleasant gentle accent

ludic: (adj.) full of fun and high spirits

meraki: (n.) to do something with love or soul

nefelibata: (n.) cloud-walker; one who lives in the clouds of their own imagination

nepenthe: (n.) something that makes one forget their sadness

nubivagant: (adj.) wandering in the clouds

numinous: (adj.) feeling fearful yet awed and inspired

orphic: (adj.) beyond ordinary understanding

pyrrhic: (adj.) won at too great a cost

pulchritudinous: (adj.) breathtaking, heartbreaking beauty

scintilla: (n.) a tiny trace or spark of a feeling

selcouth: (adj.) unfamiliar, strange, yet marvelous

sirimiri: (n.) a light drizzle of rain

susurrus: (n.)  whispering, murmuring, or rustling

sweven: (n.) a dream

temerate: (v.) to break a bond or promise

viridity: (n.) innocence

yonderly: (adj.) absent-minded

[tealovergirl]

I’m just here to say.

Hello! I haven’t posted, nor visited Tumblr in a very long time and I am here just to say:

I am fine,

Better than ever, actually.

I am happy, and safe. My mind I’d cleared up from everything that was blocking my feelings for the past two and a half years.

I am me. And I am happy with myself.

I would never believe it, but everything is okay.

I remember hearing people say to me “Everything will be okay”

And i never believed them.

Now i know, that it is a tough path of therapy and undigging everything i ever wanted to hide and forget, analyzing it with the right(!) therapist, and learning from it. Accepting who you were, and who you are now.

It is tough at the start, but the more you uncover and talk- it becomes easier and at one moment you understand that it was alway worth it.

All the tears and stress on the chair before the therapist.

But again, it is important to find the right therapist for you.

If the therapist doesn’t make you feel comfortable, or helps you it cope with your feelings- there’s nothing front with you.

It is just not the right therapist to you.

Now, I feel like everything is okay.

Like everything will work out.

I love all love,

I love every bit of myself,

And I am proud of myself.

—-

I think i will leave this blog on this note.

It was a wild journey, and i am so grateful for having this playtform and people on it for being able to share something i never could with people around me.

Thank you, goodbye, and as always-

TeaLoverGirl goes drink some tea xx

[tealovergirl]

I think im getting bad again.

You know, I haven’t been writing in my blog for a while.

Because I feel like I don’t have anything to write about.

I remember when my blog, was a sort of ‘diary’ that everyone could read. It was my safe place. Somewhere I could hide, if I felt like I want to disappear.

But I got a good therapist, who did help me. I'm extremely happy about that. because at one point, of my non-ending struggle, I thought I will never get better. That I am sick and there is something wrong with me. That I am un-curable.

But I got better. 

After sessions, where I would unfold memories, which I wished to forget. Talking about it, looking in every detail and analysing them. It hurt me. I cried. A lot. 

But though ripping the rotten, painful and old piece of my heart- I gained something more important.

Myself.

But I won’t talk about it now, I’ll save it for later.

Blah blah blah. I was getting better.

Now to the point.

I got my first anxiety attack today. After 3 months without them.

I got scared because I felt how my throat fills up with fear, and my body losing control.

It felt wrong, i thought i was cured.

I was so afraid. my hands are still shaky, my eyes fill up with tears randomly, my legs feel numb. I’m losing control, and it scares me.

I just hope, I'm not getting bad again.

TeaLoverGirl goes drink some tea ♡

[tealovergirl]

This photo gives me a warm feeling.

I remember, my family and I were walking around the room with all of the most legendary paintings, and my mom was so interested and consumed by every each of them. She could stand in front of the painting for so ling, that my brother, my dad and I would already be finished with the whole gallery. 

I would say, this painting was the only one that took me over 10 minutes, to get fully satisfied from its beauty.

Standing in front of this detailed piece of art, that could be already be named a piece of history.

 To be honest, I never knew the canvas was as big as it is. It was a nice surprise to me. 

I understood, why people (including my mom) want to see every piece of art, in real life, to make their opinion in it. 

Even if you will read the size of the canvas on internet, it won’t make a big difference in how you pursue this art. 

But when you walk around the corner, and see, as it seems, the whole wall, being covered in this painting, and characters  start to look, and feel like real gods compare to people in the gallery, that's when you can finally make your opinion on it.

TeaLoverGirl goes drink some tea 

♡

[tealovergirl]

-One ticket to that summer day, please.

[tealovergirl]

I went to the Winter Wanderland (in London) for the first time in my life!! Wasn’t there for long, only an hour,...it closed.

The story went:

I was heartbroken, wanted to stay in hotel, cry, eat, and watch movies.

But my dad said its no good, and took me outside. We went to Harrods, were walking into hotels and asking for water, talked about life... and I’m so thankful that my dad didn’t let me rot in the room with my heart falling apart.

Because after the walk, i understood that the person who hurt me, didn’t even deserve to suffer for. I let it go, and i’m happy that i did.

Thank you Dad, you are the best. You will always be the best person to go and walk around the city, and talking about boys, while you tell me your stories from your youth about girls.

TeaLoverGirl goes drink some tea

xx

[tealovergirl]

My safe working space

Everyone should know their safe working space

Sadly, some people don’t even know what it is.

I never understood what it is either until I started to pay attention to how I work. How I do my homework, how I write, and how I read.

Never noticed how your productivity falls when you are getting distracted. I mean, obviously, but, I call it unsafe working space. 

Because I always want to do my best. I want to do as much work as I can and do it good. 

However(!) I get distracted very easily. Incredibly easily. One thought can distract me from what I am supposed to do for hours.

So. I really want to have a safe working space where nothing can distract me. Ideally it is a place where nothing is interesting for me. I don’t get distracted without a stimulus. 

So, any social place? It might seem like a very easy question and a very easy answer. But Oh no, No.

As a person who struggles with social anxiety, and anxiety in general. I also get panic attacks very easily. All that needs to happen is for me to be in a public place for too long.

I can’t handle people. I can’y be social for too long. It is just how it is. I’m sad tho, because I like the outside world.

So, not any social place. 

I was searching for so long, going in so many parks, malls, cafes

Nothing, too many people, too noisy, too anything.

But at one day my mom and I visited this cafe, near my dancing classes. Just to get some coffee. 

And I loved it. Immediately. Weirdly, I wanted to come to this place more and more, even though I was there only ones and just for a coffee hah.

And so I did. It was great. It was calm, friendly, and delicious from the side of food and drinks.

~From there on I started going there more and more. People remembered me. My usual order was : one pot of green tea, for one cup. 

That’s it hah. Well, I was working there, it was just a place where I don’t get distracted.

It was, and still is - great.

Also, I was seeing another person there quite frequently. A guy. He was stylish, always writing something on his laptop. Looked friendly, but always was quite. I thought of starting a conversation with hi, he seemed interesting. But I put it aside for a while then.

(p.s. I did talk to him, and we are friends now: ) )

So. Right now, Im sitting in this cafe, writing this post.. and I feel.. safe.

I feel good.

And that is all that matters, isn’t it?

TeaLoverGIrl goes drink some tea ♡

[tealovergirl]

mannekens were always creeping me out.. but dresses.... oh the dresses are so wonderful!✨

Tea Lover Girl goes drink some tea

xx

[tealovergirl]

I swear my room isn’t such I mess. I was moving out and it got….. TRASHY

[tealovergirl]

🇫🇷

[tealovergirl]

middle of Bordeaux, France 🇫🇷

[tealovergirl]

~small flowers~

[tealovergirl]

It’s hard to analyze now but at the same not

I got a new therapist, who helped me much more than the first one.

My mental health went to a stable level and to the healthiest it’s been in almost 2 years.

How do i know that?

Well... when i compare my thought processes form the past sand now - my brain immeaditly says “that Is unhealthy”

It’s like lock and a key.

Lock-is my mental state in the past.

Key- my headspace right now.

But, the key doesn’t fit anymore.

Now, its like a puzzle to me, that i can’t solve.

I don’t honestly know either its bad or good. But i know for sure that the time I’ve been through were the once i never want to re-live again.

Not because my life was hard, or bad. It was great!

I had a supporting, loving family. Great environment and good friends.

But!

My headspace was toxic, and broken.

It wouldn’t acknowledge the situation as it is.

It wouldn’t listen to me. I was just like a substance which, in time, was covering my whole body and mind, and didn’t let ‘me’ be the boss.

‘It” was the boss.

It was toxic. It was affecting not only me, and my life, It was affecting everyone around.

I was bringing so... so much pain to people who are close to me.

I am so.. so sorry.

..

.

Now, when it is all in the past, i can’t do anything about it. I can just learn and accept it as it is.

The only thing I am afraid of is - the possibility of me falling back to that darkness.

It is the scariest thing i can imagine on this right moment.

Because it happens very fast and very un-noticeable.

When i was falling the first time- i didn’t know i was .

I thought i had it under full control. I was writing it in my diaries, saying that to my family.

But, it wasn’t.

And i am afraid to slip into it again, because now, from the side - it looks very easy... to easy i might say...

[tealovergirl]

from my earliest age

i’ve been told that i am too tender. my body is too vulnerable. that my eyes are too sensitive for sun, feet too soft for asphalt, fingers are too soft for guitar.

everyone kept me from these.

i wanted to prove wrong.

i did. learned how to play guitar, started to look at the sunlight sometimes and train my eyes( to a healthy level), was running with bear feet a lot.

i proved everyone wrong. i didn’t want to be that soft. didn’t want to be so vulnerable to the world. didn’t want to miss out on life.

i grew up. still proving everyone wrong.

but. once i failed.

my skin.

i don’t have a skin condition, or anything. i just have sensitive skin.

if i gain even 1 kg and won’t be overweight, i’ll have a scar. if i will move my finger across my skin, i’ll have a red mark.

i hated that.

i though i was ugly.

that my body is failing me. that i shouldn’t be that way.

i still do.

but now...

i don’t only have scars that my body gave me.

i have scars i gave myself. that gave me a hard skin... however

my arm has been a victim. that was absolutely innocent. it was its crime.

im so sorry, body.

im so sorry.

i tried.

i really tried to love myself.

i still do.

i still thing my body is ugly

and im in pain.

but it doesn’t deserve it. my body doesn’t deserve such a punishment for my own mistakes.

it keeps me alive. keeps me working and walking.

im so sorry body. im very sorry.

[tealovergirl]

such an old photo but wow… its so beautiful. 

I must clarify, I never edit my photos. And this is so beautiful…

Im amazed by my past vision.

[tealovergirl]

Im living a dream of having my own cafe..

Its like a dream you share with you best friend when you are 7 years old. And you swear to each other that when you grow up, you will make this dream come true. 

However, I had it different.

Actually, when I was a kid, I wanted to be a waiter. I would always train to hold a couple plates on one hand and stuff like that. Then... I was told I need to be better. And I did. I got good grates, a lot of new skills, that technically can get any job. its all fun and future-promising but....

I still wanted to work as a waiter. 

However when I knew there is an option of making drinks instead of serving them - I wanted to be a barista. It is just so satisfying to make a coffee for someone to enjoy. 

Then I realised..... I don’t want to work in a cafe where some old grumpy man can argue about their coffee being to soft or not having vanilla flavour and then just rushing to their business meeting or whatever and leaving everyone sad or angry, even though its not their fault.

I didn’t want that. 

I want people to feel safe, and cozy. I want them to come to my cafe, because they want to read a book they just bought. Or to come inside to drink hot tea or coffee with their friend, because it is too cold outside. 

Or to have a calm place to think. To be sad, or happy. to be themselves

This cafe would work all seasons, and would serve the best coffee - coffee made with love. 

Maybe im dreaming to much, and maybe im too far from reality but, I will never know if I will never try. 

I hope one day I will have a cafe. And now, you know my plans for it.

[tealovergirl]

I really did forget about my blog huh?

Hi again! Its me, TeaLoverGirl!

Im very sorry I've been out. I don’t have excuses and I don’t want to have them, I just got super lazy.

However(!) my mental health went really high and it is stable, so yay! 

Its been a journey.. I found a great therapist and he really does help me.

A lot of stuff happened, and I really want to tell you everything. And I will in the nearest future. 

Some people have been starting following me even when I was out, thank you. And, welcome! This blog, is the place where I want everyone to feel safe and accepted. Here is no judging and no hate. Only warm stories and friendly motives.

Thank you for staying with me, I promise it will be a great, great adventure!

Thank you for listening, friend.

TeaLoverGirl goes drink some tea ♡