Welcome To Heck

Contender for the Worlds Biggest Dumbass award. They/Them-DisasterBi-Hyperfixator

[smokinghorse]

just had a really good mango it was so good that i had to illustrate how it made me feel afterwards.

[caststrat]

op’s tags are so fucking important to me

[identityarchitect]

making up oc lore: fuck yes a little guy just for me

writing down oc lore: what the fuck

[identityarchitect]

oh also

making up oc worldbuilding: this makes complete and utter sense and is really easy to understand! i cant wait to show my friends

showing your friend your worldbuilding: the flrimble is basically a type of zimzam but sort of different, its hard to explain

[penandinkprincess]

listen i'm not advocating for exotic animals as pets, but i really just feel like cheetahs are probably different

i feel like we need to give them another shot as housebeasts

[penandinkprincess]

this is a critter who wants greenies and then to take a nap on the couch next to me, and i KNOW it

[penandinkprincess]

cheetah in House perfec t size for put inside! inside very Soft and Comfort cheetah sleep soundly put cheetah in House. Put Cheetah In House. no problems ever in cheetah in ho use because good Happy and Satisfy for human where sleep. House yes a place for a cheetah put cheetah in house can trust cheetah for giveing good love to humans in house. friend cheetah

[justasmidgx]

I mean, as someone who as worked in a zoo, this is fairly true.

Obvious disclaimer that you shouldn't have wild animals as pets.

But like, cheetahs are the only large cats that keepers will do free contact with. Hell, even most small cats don't get free contact. (Because small cats can be VICIOUS. They'll have a baby pallas cat wearing thicker gloves than when handling an owl. Because small cats can just be vicious.)

Like I think the only other cat at our zoo where I've seen free contact with was servals? Because I know they've used servals in shows to demonstrate their natural jumping ability. But I know servals can sometimes have a mean temper as well. Meanwhile they'll do the cheetah run and afterwards put the mic by the cheetahs and it's just like an engine with them purring. It's fascinating to watch when the message in every other large animal is "no free contact because it's dangerous even when they're born in captivity".

Legit if any wild animal could be adapted to a pet it would be cheetahs lmao. Only problem is they can be skittish and very anxious and that's why they're often raised around dogs in zoos to gain confidence.

[penandinkprincess]

congrats, i award you funniest take on this post

[json-derulo]

the past three weeks in a row, partner has gone to chipotle and been served by the same employee who, in bold defiance of the testimony of his own eyes and ears, ardently refuses to believe carnitas exist

[json-derulo]

partner: “Hi, could I please have a bowl with white rice, black beans, and carnitas?”

employee (completely blank expression): “No.”

partner (autistic) (socialscript.exe encountered an unhandled exception) : “…Uh. Um. Sorry?”

employee: “We don’t have that.”

partner (wondering if perhaps he put too much of the authentic accent on the word and that’s what’s throwing the guy): “You don’t have…(pronouncing it whiter) carnitas?”

employee (face still unreadable): “No.”

partner (looking at the near-full hotel pan of perfectly normal carnitas in its usual place on the other side of the glass) (noticing this employee looks unfamiliar) (maybe he’s a new guy that just started five minutes ago with no training?) : “The…pork?” (pointing at it)

employee: “We don’t have pork.”

partner (beginning to wonder if he’s the one that’s losing it) (desperately looks to the menu on the wall behind the employee) (the menu lists carnitas as a protein option) (the word “carnitas” is not crossed out or taped over or otherwise adulterated) (carnitas have been on the standard menu since at least 2016) : “Okay. Um. Are you…sure?”

other employee working the toppings part of the line (familiar) (have seen her before) (she has cool earrings): *gives the new guy a strange look, nudges him aside, and scoops the carnitas onto partner’s bowl before continuing with the other toppings*

Repeat conversation again the next week. And the next. Same guy. If it’s a bit, no one is laughing, including the employee.

[json-derulo]

theories I’ve considered:

- the employee keeps very strictly kosher/halal/vegan and refuses to handle pork (understandable, I respect that, but if you’re gonna work at a place that serves pork I do kinda feel like when someone orders it you’ve just gotta tap in a coworker to do it for you)

- someone did something gross to the carnitas and the employee is trying to warn people not to order it (??? throw it out then? also, three weeks in a row???)

- the employee is a space alien who views humans as so similar to pigs that for us to eat them is tantamount to cannibalism

[json-derulo]

- the employee is the lead in a kdrama romance about a pampered, clueless chaebol heir who is sent by his father to work in the company’s restaurants for a year in order to prove he’s ready to take over as CEO. he’s dumb as rocks but they can’t fire him or even correct him that harshly due to the power gradient. partner is just a minor reoccurring character, and the interaction is kept the same from week to week to highlight the development of the relationship between the employee and his love interest with the cool earrings (even if the restaurant is literally a fully-branded Chipotle, that’s somehow still not enough product placement for me to believe this is a real kdrama)

[json-derulo]

After reviewing again with partner, evidently I forgot a detail that set this week’s carnitas denial dance apart from the others.

partner (well aware of what he’s getting into with this guy now): “Hi. Could I please have a bowl with white rice, black beans, and pork?”

employee: “We don’t have pork.”

partner (demonstrating a level of patience only a public school teacher could have): *points at the pan of carnitas* “Could I please just have some of that?”

employee (after several slow, confused blinks): *points at the same pan* “That’s steak.”

partner (looking at the hotel pan they’re both pointing at) (it is filled with shredded meat of a pale beige color) (at the other end of the row of pans is another pan containing dark brown, lightly charred meat chopped into small pieces): “Okay.” *deciding he’s willing to play in this fantasy space if it gets the job done, he points at the first pan again* Then could I please have the steak?”

employee: *starts to reach for the pan at the other end containing the actual steak*

partner: "Oh—no, sorry, this one please?" *points at the first pan containing the carnitas*

employee: *blinks, then just walks away and starts helping the next customer in line, leaving partner's bowl unfinished*

other employee with cool earrings: *rolls her eyes at new employee, takes partner’s bowl, and fills it with carnitas herself*

new theories:

- the employee is a bridge troll who will only dole out his delectable carnitas to those who prove themselves worthy by correctly answering his riddles three

- the employee is stoned out of his mind at all times on a specific strain of weed that totally erases the concept of pork from his memory and awareness

[json-derulo]

A few additional updates/clarifications:

Mr. Eternal Bluntshine of the Porkless Mind isn't the first idiosyncratic cryptid Partner has encountered at this particular Chipotle. He joins the illustrious ranks of The Lobster Mobster and 300 RPM Matthew McConaughey

Partner says he does not actually mind dealing with this unskippable cutscene every time because A) he finds it amusing and B) on one occasion, after Cool Earrings's intervention, the new employee checked him out at the register, and he rang up the bowl clearly labeled "CA-Q" (carnitas with queso) as chicken, which made it slightly cheaper

Some of my favorite possible explanations from the tags:

[oh-good]

this is a Christmas post for you to like and unlike over and over to see the little snowy animation they have rn

[ekjohnston]

I got the northern lights!

[ashstfu]

2026 !!!!!!!!!!!

[pastel-prouvaire-deactivated201]

PSA: tumblr user littlefuckinmonster is stealing human bones from cemeteries in Louisiana. Please don’t let them get away with this and spread the word/signal boost!

[wdapteo]

this post is officially a decade old now

[mutantrenegade]

For anyone who wasnt around when this happened, this was real. Littlefuckinmonster was actually stealing bones from cemeteries. She is the bone stealing witch. She was specifically stealing bones from poor people. She was arrested for it.

[coffee-and-cusswords]

[guy who has been holding an insane amount of tension in his body for a week straight] bro why do I feel so awful

[fairycosmos]

being mentally ill is so fucking boring. ive been bored since i was 11. perpetually

[fairycosmos]

which sounds sooo whatever but living it is like. whole years just disappear. and tbh i didn’t realise genuine excitement was a feeling adults had. like when you were a kid and you were really looking forward to something. didn’t know that was still a thing for some people

[belovedgoofball]

This blog is PRO CANDY CORN

[desolationlesbian]

People who insist tumblr must be 90% LGBT because their self-curated dash is have never gotten a weird comment on a post and went to check the person's blog and discovered an entire deep subculture of christian and tradwife users reblogging anti-abortion quotes and transphobia between each other. I promise you they're on here.

[jettkuso]

this is just what it's like being on a platform that doesn't necessarily push inflammatory people and things toward you on purpose

[wizardshark]

Like yeah that's the real reason. Twitter, Facebook, Youtube, they shove right wing media into your face because they are monetarily incentivized to get people arguing with each other on the platform. Tumblr does not do that, full stop.

[texanredrose]

Here, we argue organically by barging into people’s homes and shouting at them at 3 am, as Hell intended.

[bill]

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOBAW

[12313234578686856746877-deactiv]

[VERY SMALL VOICE] foobaw!

[warmfigure]

i am massively overdue for a very very good week where not a single bad thing happens and everything is easy

[unlettered-heathen]

reblog to give prev a very good week where not a single bad thing happens and everything is easy

[calamitys-child]

I think the best most human thing in the world is strangers doing a silly thing together

[calamitys-child]

Examples:

- guy at work "Yes, and -" ing the bit me and my coworker were doing where we pretended to be owners of a fantasy medieval tavern not minimum wage retail staff

- at the gay club when Die Young by Kesha came on and two hundred people, all dancing and drinking separately, jumped up and down to make the "- beat of the drums *STOMP STOMP*" as loud as possible

- person who watched me stomp round the beach singing a made up song about breakfast foods to name a cat after and suggested more breakfast foods that would be good cat names

- guy who started a dance off with everyone across the road while waiting for the lights to change

- very tiny girl at the pharmacy interviewing everyone in the queue and every single one of us in turn sat down and answered this toddler's questions like we were on Letterman

[calamitys-child]

The three pillars of humanity, in no particular order, are Joy, Absurdity, and Sharing

[aropride]

"nothing is real atoms never touch each other youve never touched anything in your life" ok. well when i pet my dog he is soft and when he licks my hand it is wet and that is far more real to me than whatevers going on at an atomic level

[aropride]

what my atoms are doing is their fucking business man i'm busy trying to stop my dog from eating tissues directly out of the box

[duckbunny]

nuclei don't touch, but the nucleus is not the core of reality. reality is made of electrons dancing. reality is made of bonds.

you pet your dog and the atoms that are you brush up against the atoms that are him, and the electrons that are you press into the electrons that are him, and both of them change their movement.

electrons of course are not really particles and do not really move.

you pet your dog and the electron-orbitals of your skin overlap with the electron-orbitals of his fur, and both are changed by the contact. you are not made of little motes floating alone in a void. you are a single unfathomable chord formed of a trillion vibrations, and so is he. and the note you play is changing at every moment by what you touch and how you breathe, and so is his. and atoms do not really have edges, and to touch is to interact, and when you put your hand on your dog the universe does not know that you are separate. the song expands to hold you both.

[laughingpokemon]

[rachelillustrates]

and when you put your hand on your dog the universe does not know that you are separate. the song expands to hold you both.

[cowboyfirestar]

Drawing porn is hard but I'm harder

[cowboyfirestar]

Wait no

[cowboyfirestar]

Don't do this to me 😭

[i-give-you-a-fish]

You get a Slippery Dick

Halichoeres bivittatus

[thescaryhyperfem]

the what now.

[hope-for-the-planet]

California Is Showing How a Big State Can Power Itself Without Fossil Fuels

For part of almost every day this spring, the state produced more electricity than it needed from renewable sources.

From the article:

Something approaching a miracle has been taking place in California this spring. Beginning in early March, for some portion of almost every day, a combination of solar, wind, geothermal, and hydropower has been producing more than a hundred per cent of the state’s demand for electricity. Some afternoons, solar panels alone have produced more power than the state uses. And, at night, large utility-scale batteries that have been installed during the past few years are often the single largest source of supply to the grid—sending the excess power stored up during the afternoon back out to consumers across the state. It’s taken years of construction—and solid political leadership in Sacramento—to slowly build this wave, but all of a sudden it’s cresting into view. California has the fifth-largest economy in the world and, in the course of a few months, the state has proved that it’s possible to run a thriving modern economy on clean energy.

Thanks to @walking-on-a-scream for sending this in! This is an older submission from last year that I lost track of in my ask box, but this trend continues and is still extremely impressive.

[rosslynpaladin]

I grew up in California. It meant having to learn to unplug or switch off anything electronic if not actively in use. My Dad put motion detector sensors in place of switches in our sink and vanity area of the bathroom, so that no one could forget to shut the lights off. This was a very common thing. You DID NOT walk last out of a room and leave a light on. You did not use lights in the house during the day if you could help it at all. To this day I don't turn on lights in my home until sunset. I'm used to relying on windows for all light in the daytime because of this. I'm used to rolling blackouts, surge blackouts, "brown"-outs, and what amounted to rationing "The Grid" in order to be sure the power stayed on.

This? This is something no one thought could happen in our lifetimes.

This is monumental.