(Insert Something Clever Here)

Um, I'm a person? I like TV. I post mostly Doctor Who, but you might also see Arrow, Agent Carter, Outlander, Leverage, Harry Potter, LotR, and who knows what else. I'm also no fan of MoffatWho, so there could be rage at him.

[oneiriad]

I wonder if, in superhero universes, the villains ever get contacted by those “Make a Wish Foundation” and similar people.

I mean, the heroes do, of course they do, kids who want to meet Spiderman or Superman or get to be carried by the Flash as he runs through Central City for just thirty seconds.

But surely there are also the kids, who - because they are kids and sometimes kids are just weird - decide that what they really, really want is to meet a supervillain. Because he’s scary or she’s awesome or that freeze ray is just really, really cool, you know?

[robininthelabyrinth]

Oh, man, that would absolutely be a thing. The heroes would be so weirded out by it. The villains with codes of ethics would totally band together to force the villains without one (should they be the one requested) to do their part for the cause.

[katyakora]

But imagine the person who has to track down the villains and organise everything?

Like, the first time it happens, no one actually thinks it’s possible, but one of the newbies volunteers to at least try. They get lucky, the kid wants to meet one of the villains who is well known to have a personal code of ethics (eg one of the rogues), and it takes them weeks to track the villain down to this one bar they’ve been seen at a few times, plus a week of staking out said bar, but they finally find them.

So they approach the villain, very politely introduce themselves and explain the situation, finishing with an assurance that, should the villain agree, no law enforcement or heroes will be informed of the meeting.

The villain, assuming it’s a joke, laughs in their face.

At this point, the poor volunteer, who has giving up weeks of their time and no small amount of effort to track down this villain, all so a sweet little girl can meet the person who somehow inspired them, well, at this point the employee sees red.

They explode, yelling at this villain about the little girl who, for some unknown reason, absolutely loved them, had a hand-made stuffed toy of them and was inspired by their struggle to keeping fighting her own and wasn’t the villain supposed to have ethics? The entire bar is witness to this big bad villain getting scolded by some bookish nobody a foot shorter than them.

When the volunteer is done, the villain calmly knocks back their drink, grips the volunteers shoulder and drags them outside. The bar’s patrons assume that person will never be seen again, the volunteer included. But once they’re outside, the villain apologises for their assumption, asks for the kid’s details so they can drop by in the near future, not saying when for obvious reasons. They also give the very relieved volunteer a phone number to call if someone asks for them again.

A week later, the little girl’s room is covered in villain merchandise, several expensive and clearly stolen gifts and she is happily clutching a stack of signed polaroids of her and the villain.

The next time a kid asks to meet a villain, guess who gets that assignment?

Turns out, the first villain was quite touched by the experience of meeting their little fan, and word has gotten around. The second villain happily agrees when they realise it’s the same volunteer who asked the other guy. Unfortunately, one of the heroes sees the villain entering the kid’s hospital and obviously assumes the worst. They rush in, ready to drag the villain out, but the volunteer stands in their way. The hero spends five minutes getting scolded for trying to stop the villain from actually doing a good thing and almost ruining the kid’s wish. The volunteer gets a reputation among villains as someone who can not only be trusted with personal contact numbers but who will do everything they can to keep law enforcement away during their visits.

The volunteer has a phonebook written in cypher of all the villain’s phone numbers, with asterixes next to the ones to call if any other villains give them trouble.

Around the office, they gain the unofficial job title of The Villain Wrangler.

[beka-tiddalik]

The heroes are genuinely flabbergasted by The Villain Wrangler. At first, some of the heroes try to reason with them.

Heroes: “Can’t you, just, give us their contact details? They’ll never even have to know it was you.”

The Villain Wrangler: “Yeah sure, <rollseyes> because all these evil geniuses could never possibly figure out that it’s me who happens to be the common thread in the sudden mass arrests. Look man, even if it wouldn’t get me killed, it would disappoint the kids. You wouldn’t want to disappoint the kids would you?”

Heroes: “… no~ but…”

The Villain Wrangler: “Exactly.”

Eventually, one of the anti-hero types gets frustrated, and decides to take a stand. They kidnap the Villain Wrangler and demand that they give up the contents of the little black book of Villains, or suffer the consequences. It’s For the Greater Good, the anti-hero insists as they tie the Villain Wrangler to a pillar.

The Villain Wrangler: “You complete idiot, put me back before someone figures out that I’m missing.”

Anti-hero: “…excuse me?”

The Villain Wrangler: “Ugh, do I have to spell this out for you? Do you actually want your secret base to be wiped off the map? With us in it? Sugarsticks, how long has it been? If they get suspicious, they check in, and then if I miss a check-in, they tend to come barging into wherever I am just to prove that they can, even if they figure out that they’re not being threatened by proxy. Suffice to say, Auntie Muriel really regretted throwing my phone into the pool when she strenuously objected to me answering it during family time. If they think for even one moment that I’ve given them up, they won’t hesitate to obliterate both of us from their potential misery. You do know some of the people in my book have like missiles and djinni and elemental forces at their disposal, right?”

Anti-hero: “Wait, what? I thought they trusted you?!”

The Villain Wrangler: “Trust is such a strong word!”

Villain: “Indeed.”

Anti-hero: “Wait, wha-” <slumps over, dart sticking out of neck>

The Villain Wrangler: “Thanks. I thought they were going to hurt me.”

Villain: “You did well. You kept them distracted, and gave us time to follow your signal.” <cuts Villain Wrangler free>

The Villain Wrangler: <rubbing circulation back into limbs> “Yeah well, you know me, I do whatever I have to. So I’ll see you Wednesday at four at St Martha’s? I’ve got an 8yo burns unit patient recovering from her latest batch of skin grafts who could really use a pep talk.”

Villain: “… of course. Yes… I… yes.”

The Villain Wrangler: “I just think you could really reach her, you know?”

Villain: <unconsciously runs fingers over mask> “I… yes, but, what should I say?”

The Villain Wrangler: “Whatever advice you think you could have used the most just after.”

Villain: <hoists Anti-hero over shoulder almost absently> “….yes.”

The Villain Wrangler wasn’t lying to the Anti-hero. They know that the more ruthless villains would not hesitate if they thought for one second that the Anti-hero would betray them.

But this is not the first time the Villain Wrangler has gone to extreme lengths to protect their identities.

Trust is a strong word. The Villain Wrangler earned it, and is terrified by what it could mean.

[weezley]

My first official deadpool headcanon is this. This this this.

[fireandwonder]

Okay but this whole concept actually makes a lot of sense, because villains are a lot more likely to be disfigured/disabled/use adaptive devices (bc ableist tropes), so of course, say, a child amputee is going to be more interested in the villain with a robot arm who almost destroyed New York than the heroes that took him down.

Also, imagine one of the kids gets better, and a few years down the line becomes a villain themself, except their crimes are things like smuggling chemo drugs across the border for families that can’t afford treatment, or stealing from corrupt businessmen to make donations to underfunded hospitals (idk this turned into a Leverage AU or something) and every time the heroes encounter her, they’re like “oh no. she’s getting away. curses. welp, nothing we can do.” Though it isn’t that she can’t take them on; bc of course once the villain from way back when found out what she was up to, he started helping/training her. 

“I thought they just hired someone to dress up and pretend to be you,” she says, amazed, when he reveals himself. “I didn’t think they actually got the real you!”

Every year the Villain Wrangler gets a very expensive gift basket from the pair.

[kelssiel]

and for the kids who don’t get better the villains are there too, they show up to every funeral, they bear too small coffins on their shoulders and the heroes stand aside

they are fierce with grieving families assuring them that their child will not be forgotten, and they don’t balk at negative emotions, they don’t tell people to be strong or “celebrate their child’s life,” because these parents have every right to their grief and anger

and the lost children are never forgotten. flowers appear on graves during birthdays and anniversaries, heroes find pictures of those kids and they carefully take them down and ensure they’re delivered to the villain’s cell, and a few villains can be seen with friendship bracelets wrapped around their wrists the cops have learned not to try and take them off

[beka-tiddalik]

And then one day, one of the evil geniuses who happens to specialise in inducing bizarre genetic mutations meets a young fan who was born with a rare genetic disorder that is slowly killing them, and realises that they can help.

Another, who created their own exosuit, talks to a young fan and suddenly understands how much the technology that they have built for themselves could revolutionise quality of life for people with muscular dystrophy, or paraplegia, or other disorders that confine people to wheelchairs with little mobility.

A third thinks of a way that their nanobots could be used to detect and remove cancer cells when their fan, who had been in remission, writes to say that the doctors have found a new metastasizing tumour.

Then shortly after, an evil genius specialising in cloning is contacted by an old colleague asking if a suitable heart couldn’t be grown for their young fan with a congenital heart condition who needs a donor.

Suddenly, a pattern of villains offering (and marketing) their insights and resources to improve medical science starts to arise. Many who had previously been operating on society’s fringes are shocked to receive public accolades, research grants and job offers from major companies because of their work.

A grassroots movement arises advocating for imprisoned villains with appropriate qualifications and/or experience to have access to resources to conduct research for the public good. The Second Chance Rehabilitation Project launches.

(It is an open secret that only people who have been vetted by the Villain Wrangler are allowed to join, because the Villain Wrangler has by now a meticulously set up method and intelligence network to run background checks and character references through ensure that none of the children wishing to meet their role models get hurt.)

Being able to say that one is involved with the Project begins to look really good in parole hearings. The Villains involved perform their own quality checks on one another, because if one of their kids got hurt, then all of their kids could potentially lose out, and the ones that are serious about the Project are not having that. (Also, the ability to collaborate with other geniuses is the most interesting thing to happen to most of them since losing to various heroes, and most consider the intellectual stimulation to be worth putting up with the ridiculous egoes and inevitable personality clashes that arise.)

Reformed Villains come out of the woodwork to advocate about better mental healthcare, and support systems. Savvy universities and private labs quietly take their advice, setting up better mental health supports and laboratory safety standards to prevent the Brain Drain caused by losing their less stable scientists to the Costumes.

The Villain Wrangler watches all of this develop with a smile.

Their plan succeeded beyond their wildest dreams.

[isohelle]

i’ve been through so much hurt. so much unnecessary pain. and for what? if i could see my younger self, i would hold her and say - you absolute DUMB BITCH  ao3 has a filters option where you can filter only completed stories no more sobbing at 3am because you read a story that hasnt been updated in 4 years and now everything hurts jdskgh

[hedgehog-moss]

One of the first books I read in English as a kid, maybe 1 year after I started learning English, was a booklet with a title like, How to Have a Great Time at Summer Camp. I don’t remember the exact title and I know I only picked it up because the other books in English in my school’s library looked way beyond my level, stuff like Austen and Dickens. The summer camp booklet didn’t look too interesting but it was small with simple sentences. I ended up being fascinated with it because it was the most American thing I had ever seen and it felt impossibly exotic

all the kids had cool American names like Jill and Mike. One of them at one point talked about the “chipmunks” in the woods near the camp, a mysterious word that didn’t exist in my tiny English dictionary, and for some reason I pictured them as scrawny wolves. I had read Little House on the Prairie so I knew wolves were a major concern for Americans

camp “counsellors” were often mentioned, and my pocket English dictionary only defined that word as “psychologue”. I thought it was weird how American summer camps had dozens of psychologists roaming the premises, one for every 5 to 10 kids. That felt like a lot of psychologists

I had no idea that the word “pet” could mean “favourite”. When the booklet said one kid might become “the camp counsellor’s pet”, my dictionary helpfully led me to believe it meant that a psychologist would pick one unfortunate kid to be his domestic animal for the summer. Slightly disturbing. I moved on

the kids slept in “bunks” and my stupid dictionary only defined this word as “couche”. Which is not wrong, but we would probably say couchette instead, or better yet lits superposés, and couche is also our word for diaper so you can see why I continued being deeply intrigued by every new detail I learnt in this booklet. American kids are excited about camp because they get to sleep in diapers

I had never encountered the word “baseball” before but managed to guess it was some kind of sport, but when the booklet mentioned the “baseball diamond” (in the context of a kid saying the baseball diamond was big) I of course assumed it was an actual diamond that you could win if you won a game of baseball at camp. For some reason I had a debate with a classmate over the plausibility of this. I say for some reason because I didn’t really question the wolves or the psychologists with their human pets. A diamond though? Doubt. I just remember that we were queueing up for lunch and I was like “What do you think?” and my friend said hesitantly, “Maybe if it’s a small diamond?” and I insisted “No! The book says it’s big!”

among the basic items the book said every kid should bring to camp were “batteries”. I didn’t bother looking up that word in my dictionary seeing as it’s the same in French. I didn’t know it was a false friend, and I was impressed to learn that most American kids own a drum set and bring it to camp as an essential item

on the same page, in the list of things every kid should put in their suitcase for summer camp, another item was “comic books”. I wasn’t sure what those were since in French we call them BD, but basing myself on the word “comic” I assumed they were books of jokes and puns. I loved learning that in the US all kids bring humour anthologies to summer camp, presumably because they worry about running out of funny things to say. I thought American kids sounded nervous and sweet. But also really cool, because of all the drums

[sweetener]

excuse me officer i would like to report a murder

[whitepeopletwitter]

[stars-bean]

Charade (1963) dir. Stanley Donen

[bob-belcher]

[liberal-memes]

[uponbatishwings]

Bad crediablity!?

NO crediablity!?

We don’t care! Cmon down to crazy trumps used preowned cars!

[baffledkingcomposinghallelujah]

Stephen Amell on his favorite Arrow scene [x]                  - Seeing Red, Season 2, Episode 20

Amell is undoubtedly the most underrated actor in the Arrowverse, and he deserves credit for making a complex character like Oliver Queen as like-able as he did.

[catchymemes]

Curious Zelda

https://twitter.com/curiouszelda

https://www.instagram.com/curiouszelda/

[prismsgalaxy]

[death-by-lulz]

Honestly, if you don’t need a kitten stealing a pancake on your blog, it had better be because you already have a kitten stealing a pancake on your blog.

[unpretty]

well,

[unpretty]

[luzialowe]

I’M SCREAMING

[dustrial-inc]

This may be some of the best excel sourced humor.

[likelikedirtycute]

This is 10000% more in character than every moment of the Dark Knight franchise.

[wackd-archive]

i can’t believe bruce breaks text into two rows rather than using the “wrap text” feature

[itswalky]

tim cleans this up for him later

[wordsofdiana]

What the hell did Melvil Dewey do???

[timeme-drake]

@staff give us the “All Hail The Glow Cloud” button we deserve

[robimeme]

ALL HAIL

[blackmemecat]

ALL HAIL

[scarletmemewitch]

ALL HAIL.

[intothewonderfulunknown]

Literally one of my favorite things is just people in historical costume doing modern things

[foodffs]

I’m a pillow

[ilikesweatpantsandstayinghome]

Very important job

[writing-prompt-s]

The Queen has requested that everybody with a knighthood attend a meeting at Windsor Castle. Speaking to the sizeable crowd of ageing actors and retired musicians, she explains why - The dragons are back, and she expects that every knight will do his duty.

[majorgenerally]

Everyone turns and looks at Ian McKellen.

“Oh Christ,” he says. “If only Christopher Lee were still here. Then we might have a chance.”

[tigerkat24]

Dame Judi Dench stands up and cracks her knuckles. “Fine, then, if you’re all too chicken… come on, Maggie, let’s do this.”

[pariahsdream]

@elfhawk3

[bead-bead-deactivated20190901]

Dame Helen Mirren simply stands, and everyone turns to look at her.  She curtsies perfectly, and murmurs, “If I may Your Majesty, a few questions.”  The Queen inclines her head graciously.  “Thank you.  Is there information about dragons, their preferred habitats, behaviors, and their social structure if any, that is credible and might put us at a better advantage? Also, if we might have information about their current whereabouts and disposition, please.”  At a glance from the queen, an exhausted-looking Prince Harry steps forward and reports. “Cattle and sheep are disappearing or being mauled along the Orkneys & outer Hebrides, Dame Helen.  From what we can tell, the females are larger than the males, and lead most of the hunts.  Our current theory is that there has been less property or loss of human life damage than might be because it seems as if as if they’re training their young to hunt and focusing on livestock.” “How was this information obtained?” Dame Judi asks. “Tell us you never went up in your chopper and did the reconnaissance yourself.”  “Never, ma’am.” he says, his dimples appearing.  “We used drones.”  Dames Judi and Helen nod in approval, and Maggie adds wryly, “Ma’am? You most definitely outrank her, Your Highness.  She only played a few queens.” A ripple of not entirely comfortable laughter runs through the room. When it ends, the Queen says, “A soldier knows generals when he sees them.”  She turns to Dame Helen. “Your thoughts, Dame Helen.  What resources do you require?”  Helen’s spine goes straight, she trembles the slightest bit, and she bows her head, accepting it, squares her shoulders, and says to Harry, “To recap: possibly matrilineal pack…pride…clutch..flight of dragons has been hunting along the northwestern shores of Scotland.”  “We’re using a flight of dragons, ma’am, and yes.”  “On holiday or settling in?” Helen adds.  Prince Harry winces a little, “We tried to follow them back to see where they were nesting, but… “Firebreathers,” Queen Elizabeth interjects.  “Firebreathers the size of an aircraft carrier.”  Harry nods soberly. “We’ve noted that they’ve only done so when followed by a drone, and over water…and the final footage from them supports the theory of teaching the young - about the size of a Range Rover - to hunt…and fight.”  Everyone takes a long beat to absorb that. “Right,” Helen says, jerking everyone straight with the sound of her voice alone. “Alternative methods for defense?  Can’t have planes getting slagged out of the sky, can we?”  She turns and asks the queen briskly to the queen, “Your Majesty, does magic exist?”  Everyone sort of helplessly turns Dame Maggie, who, at a nod from the Queen says softly, “I’ll call Jo.” Helen pales a bit. “Thank you. Next question.  The Good Neighbors?” (fae)  Harry grimaces, “David Bowie was our last liaison and a replacement has not been made known to us.”  Elton John stands, “I can make some inquiries.” When everyone looks at him, he says, hollow, “They like musicians.”

Nodding approvingly, Helen says, “And those who appreciate the natural world.  Judi, you’re the closest thing I know to a druid, back him up, and gather a delegation, see if Bowie left some reports or notes, and prepare for a fact-and-potential-aid-finding mission. And get some good lawyers, if memory serves the Good Neighbors drive hard bargains.” Sir David Attenborough rises with a self-deprecating cough, “I am an honorary Druid…I have some connections that might prove useful with reliable historical information.” “You awful thing,” Judi grouses, “Druids and you never said!  But come along then.” 

“Maggie,” Helen says, “Magic.  We need options if negotiations fail. I’d prefer defensive if we can, but we should prepare.  And you need a team.” 

Dame Maggie looks over there group and holds her hand out. A small golden light appears.  “Here be dragons. I know this is not the done thing, not in public, but If those able and willing to serve would send me their calling cards….mine will come to you automatically.”  Eyes open in wonder and jaws drop as a tiny golden ball flies from the Queen’s hand to Dame Maggie’s. “Our line does not have a great deal of innate magic left, save one, but Our library is at your disposal, Dame Margaret.”  After the Queen outed herself as magic user, tiny golden orbs streak across the room, generally positive murmurs here and there as someone openly formed the ball of light in their palm.  Soon, Dame Maggie had a diadem of tiny orbs circling her head, and managed to encourage them all to nestle in her bag, the previous contents hastily emptied into someone’s lap. “And your needs, Dame Helen?” Queex Elizabeth asked. “Dragon snacks and diplomats,” she begins bluntly and is interrupted by a wave of nervous laughter, which is ruthlessly squelched by twin glares from the Queen and Helen. “Cattle, sheep, I think, perhaps some pig and goats for a change, and I need them headed for the Scotish coast - there are not sufficient numbers in the area - as unobtrusively as possible. We need a central location close to…”  Prince Harry began shaking his head immediately, “The closest air bases are former RAF facilities that are radar stations now, ma’am, and not as fortified as I’d like for this.  Best let them keep ferrying information from Saxa Vord in the Shetlands, and we’ve evacuated the Ministry of Defence station in the Hebrides, along with most of the population.”   “Balmoral,” Queen Elizabeth says.  “Ambassadors need somewhere to negotiate, entertain, and impress and it is close enough.  And the grounds are both secure and large enough to host one of those larger dragons.” After blinking twice, Dame Helen inclines her head at being offered one of the royal family’s private homes.  “That is most kind, Your Majesty.” She adds gently “I need an Executive Officer sort, preferably someone already in the know who won’t balk at magic or druids or fae as well as dragons, charming but capable, and a liaison between the knights and the Royal Family.  And a pilot, who can ferry us quickly to the coast if need be.”  There is a long pause as the Queen considers this request, then she looks up at her grandson who is beaming down at her crookedly.  If the Queen of England rolled her eyes, her expression says, she’d be rolling them now. She nods, and everyone can see the concerned but proud grandmother in her gaze.  Prince Harry Windsor turns and offers Helena Mirren a salute.  A glowing orb of light forms on his palm and flies to circle the dame’s head.  “Volunteering for duty, Dame Helen.”  “He’s not much for defensive spells as of yet,” Queen Elizabeth says, with the patience of a longsuffering tutor with a beloved student.  “But he does…”  “Know how to be charming in tense situations and can pick locks a treat.”  Helen plucks the orb from the air and lets it circle curiously around her palm, “Then cry God for Harry,” she says lightly, in relieved and gracious acceptance.   “For England,” Judi says, emphatic and softly intense.  “And St. George,” Maggie finishes firmly.      

[shh-antiela-is-reading]

I seriously love you Mx. Bead-bead

[bead-bead-deactivated20190901]

You KNOW the minute Harry showed up I had to had to HAD TO use that line to end it. SOMEHOW. :) <3

[bijoux-et-mineraux]

Polished Malachite Stalactite - Copper Crescent, Congo

[xekstrin]

*looks around*

Is

Is anyone gonna say it

[brambledboneyards]

malachite is a poisonous mineral. please do not fuck the malachite stalactite

[zdravomilla-deactivated20220114]

@lizaleigh do you know any rock people that can confirm/deny because I am very curious and really don’t feel like getting into a conversation with my geophysicist brother that MAY somehow get back to the fact I saw a malachite that looked like a weird dildo.

[lizaleigh]

…sadly, I am not on good enough terms with any of our partner geologists to just attach this to an email with the subject line: “EXPLAIN.” Although I think @mollisaurus is a mineral person. Thoughts?

[mollisaurus]

oh geeze, i’m kinda rusty on minerals but malachite is just copper carbonate and is really common in both antique and modern jewelry so i think like if you were really gun-ho about it you could go ahead and put it wherever you want?

[vulcanology-geology]

It’s really only a problem if you’re polishing or cutting it. The particles would be bad to breathe. It’s rather porous too, so I would worry about bacteria growing. Well, being literal anyway… Better to leave the poor thing alone. ._.

[thepioden]

I mean it kinda depends on where you stick it because malachite does not like acidic environments very much and the malachite will degrade and also might dye your bits blue-green as the copper dissolves out.

So use a condom when fucking rocks is the takeaway here.

[rosenagldky-deactivated20201223]

Oh my god guys it’s poisonous

It is super poisonous

There is a reason we do not use it in make up any more

Not even with a condom, do not fuck the rock

[nassadii]

Try this one instead. 

[naughtylittledragon]

malachite literally explodes in water does it not?

[rosenagldky-deactivated20201223]

I… no… I think you’re thinking of pure sodium?

Malachite is however water soluble, which really just means it will poison you quicker

[reclusiveandelusive]

This is both hilarious and cool as fuck because you’re getting all this information on minerals and rocks. You’re also watching people argue over wether or not you can fuck this rock

[bijoux-et-mineraux]

I go on hiatus for a week and come back to find tumblr molesting my post, but hey, at least we all learned something so yay tumblr, you just keep on  being you.

[aimee-b-loved]

I’m still not sure if I can fuck this rock.

[adulthoodisokay]

I’m looking into it.

[adulthoodisokay]

UPDATE:

[buzzfeed]

Today in “I’m so sorry, coworkers, it’s for Tumblr,” I brought this post to the attention the science reporters at BuzzFeed. Dan Vergano did a some research and weighed in on the question “Can you use malachite as a dildo or is it toxic?”

The answer is “It’s probably fine, just wash it first and maybe use a bunch of lube.”

[sprigglebearstudios]

Oh man this got so much better than the last time I saw this post

[0hcicero]

This is my favourite. Science side of tumblr: asking the REAL questions

[badscienceshenanigans-deactivat]

*biologist crashes through the underbrush* Ok so here’s the thing though Malachite is not poisonous to YOU. BUT fucking this stalactite will probably wreck your vaginal flora and leave you with a gruesome infection within a couple days. Want details? SO GLAD YOU ASKED, ‘CAUSE HERE THEY ARE. • Malachite is not copper oxide. It’s Cu2CO3(OH)2. Like most carbonates it’s water soluble– that’s how it became a stalactite in the first place! And technically any given chunk of “malachite” isn’t just malachite– it’s a mix of various copper carbonates & oxides. This will become important later.  • When malachite dissolves it makes a bunch of copper (Cu++) ions. Cu++ is GREAT at killing bacteria and fungi– so good at it that sprays with Cu++ get used a lot as a spray in agriculture to stop plant disease. It takes such a large dose to harm larger organisms that copper sprays are used a lot in organic agriculture (like Bordeaux mixture).  So bottom line, yes malachite is technically nontoxic to humans. But it kills bacteria when it dissolves and releases Cu++. • Malachite dissolves somewhat slowly in water– but vaginal secretions aren’t just any water. A healthy human vagina has a pH of 3.8-4.5 and a salinity of about 0.9%. It’s also warmer than your average underground cave at 37°C (or 98.5°F in American meat units). As luck would have it, acidity, salinity, and warmth all make malachite dissolve faster.  • In other words, the human vagina dissolves malachite.  • I have no deeper explanation for why human females can dissolve rocks with our genitals. It simply is.  • Gonna to take a quick moment to point out that sex toys that dissolve when you use them are maybe not the best investment.  • Anyway the key question now is “how fast does the human vagina dissolve malachite?” Are we talking geological timescale, a Nazis-in-Indiana-Jones situation, or something in between? If the reaction kinetics of dissolution are very slow, then there’s nothing to worry about. An encounter with a stalactite would have to last years for enough Cu++ to leach out to cause problems. If it’s quick then we’re in trouble.  • Unfortunately it looks like nobody really knows. One of the best sources on how malachite dissolves & precipitates in water– an EPA document on how to avoid too much Cu++ in municipal drinking water systems– helpfully says “The kinetic constraints on the formation of these solids in water systems are largely unexplored” (p. 42) because end equilibrium points is all you need to run a city water system safely. In other words, the experiments that would tell us how fast malachite dissolves in various types of water just don’t exist because nobody’s ever needed to know before. So we’d better assume it’s going to happen reasonably quickly, #for safety. • So in best scientific fashion, we’re just going to bullshit our way ahead using what facts we DO have on hand: endpoint equlibria.  • Is there any info out there telling us what equilibrium concentration of Cu++ we get in salty acidic water at body temperature? Almost! One J.F. Scaife published some great data on this back in 1957. TAKE IT AWAY, SCAIFE. 

That orange box is how many moles of dissolved Cu++ Scaife got from sticking malachite in some water that had 0.171 moles NaCl/L (body salinity is about 0.154 moles NaCl/L so this is slightly less salty than people) at 30°C. He’s got no acidity in there, and again the salinity and temperature are slightly lower than people. But this is probably the closest we’re going to get to data on how malachite behaves in vaginas anytime soon, folks. From this we can take away that if you leave malachite alone in a vagina you’ll get AT LEAST 9.12 x 10^-4 moles/L, or 5.8 ppm, of Cu++ at equilibrium.  • Recall from above that most “malachite” isn’t actually pure malachite, it’s a mix of various copper carbonates & oxides. The EPA document elaborates: “[T]raditional ‘eyeball’ identification of malachite by its blue-green color is extremely unreliable, because almost all cupric hydroxysulfates, hydroxycarbonates, hydroxychlorides, and even fresh cupric hydroxide can be some shade of blue-green. … Thus, the uncertainty in the computed copper concentration in equilibrium with malachite is at least about a factor of 2 … until further experimental data focusing on this problem is generated.” In other words, “do your math and then double how much Cu++ you think is going to be in the water, just in case.” So that gives us 11.6ppm Cu++, at equilibrium, with malachite in a (til now!) healthy vagina.  • Next step: do we have any idea what happens to bacteria in acid conditions with copper? OH MY GOD WE TOTALLY DO. Gyawali et al 2011 checked this out in the context of “so what if we rinsed tomatoes with a solution of lactic acid and copper, because that would be a safe & organic way to get rid of E. coli?” So now this post has officially ruined stalactites, vaginas, and tomatoes.

^This would happen. These are the counts of 4 E. coli strains exposed to various levels of lactic acid & Cu++ for 8 hours. This table only shows the end counts but it represents the death of 99.7% of bacteria*. • Losing 99.7% of your vaginal flora is seriously bad news. You’re looking at really good odds of a yeast infection, bacterial vaginosis, and/or other infection issues. And that’s if you’re lucky enough to not be in the 4% of the population or so that’s sensitive to skin contact with copper.  • The good news? Biochemically speaking, you’re probably ok to put it in your butt. It’s not as acidic or salty in there, plus there’s a huuuuuge stockpile of gut microbes right upstream that can quickly repopulate the colon after spelunking is complete. However this stalactite is not flared at the base so it is the wrong shape for putting in your butt. Do not put this stalactite in your butt.  • This all looks like fun and games, but I think it’s really interesting that the internet’s mistake in concluding that this stalactite is fuckable is very similar to the mistake made by the Flint water management system. Hear me out.  • Central to the Flint lead poisoning crisis is that authorities only looked at & tested Flint’s water in its central treatment plant before it went out through the pipes. Not after it went through the pipes. They did not consider what would happen biochemically as it went through the pipes and metals started dissolving.  • Similarly, in concluding that the stalactite is fuckable, the internet only considered the stalactite itself. Not the biochemical processes that would happen to it as it, welp, went through the pipes.  • Media frequently reports that the Flint River’s water is “corrosive,” leading many to believe the river is full of industrial waste. This ain’t the case. You’d need industry to fill a river with industrial waste, and industry left decades ago. That’s why Flint’s so poor. So what IS in the water? Road salt. Plain old stupid road salt. The old Detroit-based source didn’t have salt because it came from Lake Huron which has a large, mostly rural watershed. Meanwhile the Flint River runs through a lot of towns, making it slightly salty as everything melts down in spring. And as we recall from the stalactite experience, a little salt is all it takes to get metals to dissolve.  • Information on this engineering problem was not coming through clearly from the engineering or chemistry sides. It took a biologist, pediatrician Mona Hanna-Attisha, to document the real-time results and provide the data to kick-start a high-level investigation.  • Morals of the story: when dealing with a biological system pls consider asking a biologist, your vagina and/or city could depend on this • Pls use a condom when fucking any water-soluble material • Still don’t put the stalactite in your butt -3/10 do not recommend

[astolat]

OK, I haven’t reblogged this before now but the final post takes it to a whole new level and I can no longer resist. 

[handful-ofdust]

IT GOT BETTER AND BETTER.

[oceanplait]

Long comment strand? Long comment strand. But SO worth the time to read, trust me.

[explorerrowan]

Basically, don’t fuck the stalactite unless you want your nethers as wrecked as Flint, MI, is what I’m getting here.