The Samwell Swallow

Professional Gossipmongers

[dykeseinfeld]

and on the seventh day....the lord GOT SCHWASTEDDDD

join your party rabbis adam birkholtz and justin oluransi in saying shanah tova partying like its still 5779!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! join us to make this new year fucking sweeeeet

[dykeseinfeld]

SAMWELL HILLEL AND SAMWELL MEN'S HOCKEY PRESENT

PASS OVER THE KEG!!!!!!!!!!!

tell pharoah to LET MY PEOPLE PARTYYYYYYYY‼️‼️ 🎊🎊 time 🕙 to part 🌊 the red PUSSY amiright*** 🤪🤪 remember to leave a keg 💦💦 out for elijah 😩 anyone who finds the afikomen 🫓gets to do a kegstand 🍻🥴🥴

***(enthusiastic verbal consent is key please see not-so-sober monitors shitty knight and john johnson and they will unleash all 10 plagues onto any violators)

[zimms]

happy 2nd of december! time for our yearly poll of

what would you rather find in your attic?

1000 roaches

a person

Voting ended onDec 9, 2024

[the-samwell-swallow]

We asked, you answered! The poll is still live for a couple more days but we don't do retractions at The Swallow, so like this is just the way it is.

Upset by your ranking? Feel free to drop by our HQ and convince us why you deserve a higher one ;)

Hot goss is a campus-wide community effort. If you hear something before we do (unlikely), be sure to drop us a line or submit an article so we can share all the sordid details!! 

[the-samwell-swallow]

Join us for an exclusive interview with the woman on this issue’s cover, SWT’s very own Camilla Collins!

[fancast: Canadian tennis player Genie Bouchard]

For ease of reading, this interview has been transcribed under the cut.

Keep reading

[the-samwell-swallow]

Chag urim sameach Wellies! If you missed #Chanukkegster, how does it feel to have missed out on the party of the decade???

[the-samwell-swallow]

I heard Bittle buys his pies at Costco.

Hello dear Insider,

Everything makes so much sense now.

As always, we rely on insiders like yourself to keep us well informed. Hear anything juicy? See a good story? Let us know! We cannot pay freelance journalists at this time.

[realkentparson]

@ittybittyblogger you see this bullshit? you are too talented to be rumored to use Costco Pies

dont ask how i know the pure extent of your talent, its confidential

[ittybittyblogger]

First of all, HOW did you find out about my baking talent, Mr. Parson? Second of all, thank you, my teammates have already had to be talked out of filing an informal defamation suit for this slander.

But Moomaw and my Mama raised me better than to let what other people say get to me. Well, it doesn’t get to me too much.

[the-samwell-swallow]

Can you please :-) move this to your own DMs :-) or make your own posts :-)

[the-samwell-swallow]

I heard Bittle buys his pies at Costco.

Hello dear Insider,

Everything makes so much sense now.

As always, we rely on insiders like yourself to keep us well informed. Hear anything juicy? See a good story? Let us know! We cannot pay freelance journalists at this time.

[realkentparson]

@ittybittyblogger you see this bullshit? you are too talented to be rumored to use Costco Pies

dont ask how i know the pure extent of your talent, its confidential

[the-samwell-swallow]

Hello! Don’t you think you have better things to do with your time than to be overly obsessed with your (rumored) previous boy toy’s new squeeze :-) and to comment on our journalistic integrity when you have none of your own :-)

[the-samwell-swallow]

i heard that when the hockey guy in the basement was exapanding he buried into wellie's nesting place!! is that where he gets the cryptid eyes??

Hello dear Insider,

It certainly seems plausible! Let's dive into the theories:

As always, we rely on insiders like yourself to keep us well informed. Hear anything juicy? See a good story? Let us know! We cannot pay freelance journalists at this time.

[samwell-meme-page]

[the-samwell-swallow]

Wow what a shoutout! Thanks for highlighting our impeccable journalism :-)

[the-samwell-swallow]

one of my roommate's girlfriend's friends saw the ginger guy from the hockey team crawling out of the pond with yellow eyes?? but idk if she was just really high??

Hello dear Insider, 

It has long been speculated that the Ginger Guy (AKA William Poindexter, AKA “Dex,” AKA “Wanted in Oklahoma for Undisclosed Reasons”) is a cryptid. Let’s go into the theories:

As always, we rely on insiders like yourself to keep us well informed. Hear anything juicy? See a good story? Let us know! We cannot pay freelance journalists at this time.

[the-samwell-swallow]

Unfortunately this is once again relevant. Stay safe out there Wellies!

[zimms]

you're laughing. i suggested that the ginger guy from the hockey team might be a cryptid and you're laughing.

[the-samwell-swallow]

We would never laugh about that!!! And neither will you once you see the proof.

[the-samwell-swallow]

Got a nasty feeling we’re about to be banned from all future Haus kegsters ... sorry for speaking the truth. Lol.

[fancast: Vietnamese lifestyle vlogger Giang Ơi - instagram - youtube]

[the-samwell-swallow]

The Samwell Art Department wants to extend a massive thank you to everyone who came out to the junior show last night!

(And an even more massive “sorry” on behalf of everyone whose eardrums were shattered by the “Sh*tty Knight got into Harvard” celebration.)

You can find more reviews here.

[the-samwell-swallow]

Our sources say Founders is currently at Threat Level Midnight. Please seek alternate study arrangements.

[the-samwell-swallow]

Thanks for joining us this Valentine’s Day weekend! Stay scandalous, Samwell ;)

[the-samwell-swallow]

If anyone from the hockey team is reading this, he said he forgot his water bottle under the cauch (he made us spell it like that) so please please please come bring it to him after his Shakespeare class.

[fancast - English model Reece King]