Without You, I’m Still Lonely
Pairing: y.j x reader x h.j
Summary: Its been 4 months and nothing has changed. At least with Jeonghan, that is. You won’t admit it -- maybe you yourself don’t even realize it -- but something has changed with Joshua.
a/n: lol hi its christelle i’m not the author but i’m so excited that gemma started this series up again
“Congratulations, boys!” You smiled as the twelve members walked through the hospital doors, a trophy in hand, confetti in their hair, and smiles on their faces. They had just scored their first win for their newest comeback only moments ago, immediately driving to the hospital to celebrate with Jeonghan. “We watched the whole thing on the TV.” You added, shifting your attention to Jeonghan, who still lay unconscious in his hospital bed. Your left hand was holding tightly onto his, whilst your right hand was preoccupied cleaning his face and neck with a damp washcloth.
“Has anything changed?” Minghao asked. None of them could help but ask this question when they came to check up on Jeonghan. They didn’t expect for there to be any news—good, bad, or anything really—given that a few months had passed, but it was a force of habit.
You let out a sigh, tracing the shape of Jeonghan’s lips with the edge of the washcloth. “Nothing yet, but I’m sure there will be soon.” It had been just over 3 months since the accident yet you were still in denial. You refused to give up hope despite the doctors telling you about the slim chances that Jeonghan would show any signs of improvement, let alone wake up. Though, you weren’t being as realistic as the others.
The boys all gave each other melancholy looks before Seungcheol stepped forward. He stopped at the foot of Jeonghan’s bed, holding up the trophy. His lips parted, wanting to say something with meaning, but he could never find the right words to say to Jeonghan. “It’s because of you that we won our first award. Through every practice and every performance we know that you are right there beside us, every step of the way. No one deserves this award more than you.” Seungcheol smiled weakly at his friend’s still body, placing the trophy atop his beside table. Stepping back, he quickly wiped away a lonesome tear, feeling the need to be the strongest as Seventeen’s leader. “We’ll make you proud, Jeonghan.”
“Hyung, fighting!” The others chorused, looking solemn as well, though they were trying to keep up their appearance for each others’ sake, especially your’s.
“We wish we could stay, but we’ve got another stage tomorrow.” Seokmin said, looking rather guilty that they were finding less and less time to check in on Jeonghan. Just after the accident, they would visit everyday. They’d take turns keeping watch and sleeping overnight since the hospital only allowed four visitors at a time now that Jeonghan had moved out of the ICU. It became more difficult over time as their comeback drew near and filming their music video became their top priority.
They still visited from time to time, even if it was for just five minutes during their lunch break or on their way to an interview. Sometimes it was just one of them who visited or half of the group. It was obvious that they cared for Jeonghan and that they hated promoting as twelve instead of thirteen. Jeonghan completed the group and it felt wrong without him. But at the same time, they couldn’t just put their careers on hold indefinitely.
You nodded your head, understanding. “It’s late and you need your rest. Thanks for stopping by, I know that Jeonghan would've appreciated it. Good luck tomorrow, I’m sure you'll do great. Fighting!”
The boys smiled, their moods slightly lifting. “We’ll do our best!”
“Oh yeah, before we go, we thought we’d give you this.” Mingyu said, pulling out a small gift bag from behind his back, a cheeky grin plastered across his face.
“Dino designed it.” Vernon added, elbowing Dino’s side teasingly. The others joined in making fun of the shy maknae, ruffling his hair and shaking him by the shoulders.
Dino blushed, swatting their hands away from him and straightening himself out. “I-It was nothing, really. Tch.”
Eyeing the boys suspiciously, you took the bag in hand, the boys watching your movements with eager expressions. A heartfelt sigh escaped your lips. You had pulled out a small brown stuffed bear. A gentle smile complimented its big glassy black eyes. Its fur was as soft as silk, reminding you of what Jeonghan’s overly conditioned luscious locks felt like to be played with in your hands. A glittering gold halo grazed the top of its small round ears. It even wore a tiny serenity blue blazer. But you almost didn’t notice any of those little details because your eyes were too busy admiring the large, feathery soft wings that sprouted from its back. An angel.
“Its supposed to be Jeonghan.” Dino spoke up quietly, scratching the back of his neck in embarrassment.
“We made another one.” Wonwoo added, pulling almost an exact replica out from behind his back. “So he’ll always be with us on stage.”
“I know, the sewing is really bad and he’s kinda lumpy looking-”
You cut Dino short by wrapping your arms around his shoulders in a hug. You felt silly as you let out a loud, uncontrollable cry of happiness, grief, and gratitude. Dino stumbled backwards a bit, but slowly wrapped his arms around you too. The others quickly followed, joining you in a group hug.
“We figured he could keep you company at home when visiting hours are over.” Woozi shrugged.
You gazed up at everyone through blurred vision, your heart swelling with an overwhelming sense of love. At the start of your relationship with Jeonghan, the boys didn’t pay you much attention. You were like a total stranger around them. Now, you couldn’t imagine your life without them.
“I-I don’t know what to say.” You choked out, trying to suppress your sniffling.
Dino rubbed your back, looking down at you with a bittersweet smile. “Its alright, Y/N. We know.”
“I hate to ruin the moment, Y/N, but we really should be heading home to rest up for tomorrow’s big performance. We want to make Jeonghan proud. Right, boys?” Seungcheol shouted, subtly wiping stray tears away with the back of his hand.
“Yeah!” A chorus of cheering and singing erupted from the boys huddled around you, making you laugh.
You said your goodbyes to the boys as they filed out the door in an organized single file line like kindergarteners, blowing goodnight kisses and sending finger hearts your way on their way out. Seungcheol and Joshua lingered behind as the others spilled out towards the exit of the hospital. You couldn’t read lips, but they looked to be in deep conversation. Seungcheol glanced at you over Joshua’s shoulder before nodding and patting him on the back before he too exited.
Once he was left alone, Joshua spoke up. “Its getting late and visiting hours are almost up, we should head home. You're probably exhausted from staying up to watch our performance and the award show. Or if you want we can stop by somewhere to eat if you're hungry? I’ll pay. You are eating for two, after all.” He offered.
You looked back at Jeonghan. Part of you expected to see something change in him in that very moment. You wanted - hoped - there to be a twitch in his fingers, a change in his breathing, something. Something to assure you that he was still in there, even in his vegetable like state. Something to make you stay just a second longer. But like every night before you left him to return to your not so loving home, there was no change. His fingers remained immobile and the graphics on his heart rate monitor stayed the same. Even after all this time, it still broke your heart.
“Sure, I’d like that very much. I’m just gonna tell Jeonghan goodnight first.” You nodded at him, walking over to Jeonghan’s bedside.
Hugging Jeonghan’s bear to your chest, you bent down and placed a light kiss on Jeonghan’s forehead. “Goodnight, Jeonghan. I’ll come straight here after my appointment tomorrow to tell you everything. We finally get to find out the gender of our baby. I wish you could be there tomorrow. Our baby is getting so big already . . . and you're missing it. Just promise me you'll wake up before our angel is born, okay? Promise me, Jeonghan.”
“You really didn’t have to come to this appointment with me today, Joshua. You should still be sleeping like the others. What if you pass out on stage from exhaustion tonight?” You said, your voice filled with concern. You knew that he didn’t get a chance to sleep much last night; he woke you up from a nightmare and comforted you until you fell back asleep. Joshua cooing you to sleep was the only way you’ve been able to get a decent amount of sleep since the nightmares began. This one was about Jeonghan dying.
After Joshua first brought you home from the hospital all those months ago, you couldn’t stand the thought of living alone. It just didn’t feel right without Jeonghan there. But the apartment also haunted you with memories of your fight and the trauma that followed it. Joshua could tell you wouldn’t be alright living by yourself. So, he offered to move in and take care of you. You and your baby.
Joshua chuckled lightly, leaning forward in his chair beside you. He placed his large hand over your small one, rubbing the soft back of your hand with his thumb in slow movements. “Don’t worry about me, Y/N, I’m perfectly well rested. Besides, I wouldn’t miss out on the chance to see Baby Yoon for the first time.”
“You’ve been such a big help with everything that’s happened since the accident.” You gushed. “I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to pay you back.”
Joshua shook his head, his smile kind. “Don’t worry about that either. Like I’ve said before, I’m doing this because if Jeonghan and I traded places, he’d be exactly where I am now. He would do whatever it takes to make sure my girlfriend is well taken care of. And because I want to help you, Y/N. I care about you.”
You stared at Joshua thoughtfully. Your heart was thumping quickly, but you assumed it was just nerves. You broke eye contact at the sound of the door opening, revealing a woman whom you presumed to be the doctor. “Good morning, Y/N. I’ll be performing your ultrasound today.” She spoke kindly with a smile as she switched on the monitor and dimmed the lights. Turning back towards you, she caught a quick glance at your intertwined hands and her face lit up. “You must be the father of the baby. You two make such a beautiful couple.”
Joshua flushed crimson all of a sudden. “Oh no, you’ve got it all wrong. I’m not- we’re not-” He floundered, becoming tongue tied.
“He’s just here to support me since my boyfriend isn’t able to be here, unfortunately.” You looked down at your stomach, sad thoughts trailing back to Jeonghan and his absence.
“Oh, my apologies.” The doctor chuckled lightly in embarrassment. “Well, lets get started, shall we?”
She began by squirting a generous amount of gel on to your stomach, the baby bump just recently beginning to become obvious. You shuddered at the sudden coldness, but Joshua placed a light hand on your shoulder for comfort. Your face scrunched up at the amount of hard pressure being applied to your stomach. You found yourself holding your hand out for Joshua to hold onto, to which he obliged, offering a gentle squeeze.
“Just breathe.” Joshua whispered, earning a firm nod in reply. You focused your attention on the monitor, hoping to take your mind off of the discomfort.
“There.” The doctor finally spoke after what felt like years in dreadful silence, halting her movement. “Finally, a clear image.”
Through all the black and white haze, you could finally see your baby. They were so small, yet so big at the same time, much bigger than when you first saw an image during your first appointment. You could make just about everything out, their hands, their feet, their nose. A hand flew up to your mouth to suppress your gasp.
We made that, Jeonghan. We created a life.
“10 fingers, 10 toes.” The doctor noted, happily. “Are you ready to find out what the gender of the baby is?”
The car ride from the clinic to the hospital couldn’t have gone any slower. Joshua didn't even have any time to park the car before you got out and ran for the entrance. Running probably wasn’t the best choice considering you were 4 months pregnant, but you tried to ignore being out of breath until you found Jeonghan’s room.
“Jeonghan!” You shouted outside of his door, doubling over from exhaustion. You looked up as you closed the distance between you and the doorway. You partially expected to see Jeonghan sitting on the edge of his bed, anticipating your arrival. You had a clear image in your mind of him smiling, eager to hear the exciting news. But once he finally came into view, your heart sank. He was still laying in his bed, body limp, oxygen tube sticking out from his mouth, eyes closed. Just as you left him the night before.
“Jeonghan.” You croaked out, tiredness laced in your voice as you made your way to his side. You reached for his hand, slipping your fingers between his so that your hand fit perfectly in his like a puzzle piece.
“We’re going to a have a daughter.”
[A/N]: Hey everyone, its Gemma! Ahh its been a hot minute since I’ve updated this series, so I apologize for everyone who was waiting so long for the latest installment. But I’ve finally gotten over my writers block for the most part! Only a chapter or two left until the Say Yes series comes to an end, sadly! I think I write better when I’m faced with a prompt that someone requested, so definitely send in more requests or if you guys wanna see some more original works, let me or Christelle know too! We also love doing reactions and Seventeen As ___ so feel free to request those as well. Hope you guys are enjoying the series so far!
Also! Big thanks to Christelle for proofreading this for me and helping me edit the final draft!
