I have to build my own castle

I find aro/ace characters in media, I make posts about them | previously aroace-kodama-sakuko | pfp: And Another Lovely Day

[theaspecyear]

People need to understand that the point ISN’T “being single is not a failure if you’re aromantic”, the point is being single is not a failure full stop.

You can be allo and be single; it’s allowed. You feeling attraction doesn’t mean your priority NEEDS to be finding romance (it can be! But it also can not).

Being single should be normalized no matter what your romantic/sexual orientation is. It isn’t a tragedy.

[theaspecyear]

Oh absolutely! The virgin loser narrative needs to cease its existence yesterday

[pixiecaps]

aromanticism

[ravioliet]

huge fan of when characters love each other and are closely bonded in an explicitly nonromantic way. however ☝️ i am very much not a huge fan of what happens when characters like this are introduced to fandom

[aro-prompts]

Write about your favourite aro headcanons!!

[limbel]

we have to thank our brave soldiers in fandom who write gen fics. we have to thank our brave soldiers in fandom who write character studies and stories with no focus on romance or sex. we have to get on our knees and thank the brave soldiers in fandom who write about minor characters and friendship and family with no focus on romance or sex. i know it’s hard to care about characters in a world that seems to only revolve around ships but i see you. and i love you

[scribefindegil]

I was in a long-term relationship that fell apart partially because I was ace and my partner was very much not, and every time we looked for relationship help we got told that I was the problem. Not just that a significant mismatch in sexual desire could be a problem in a relationship, but that it was My Fault, Specifically, for not being willing to suck it up and have a bunch of sex I didn't want. To my ex's credit, he cared about consent much more than any of the professionals we talked to and refused to pressure me even when my (lesbian, billed as progressive and pro-LGBT) therapist was actively telling him to.

But it meant that we had absolutely no help or support when we were trying to work on the relationship in ways that *did* value my autonomy. There's basically no advice for people who want to try to make a relationship where there's a big desire gap work that isn't "well you should just have sex anyway" or "just break up lol". And that sucks!

Sometimes breaking up is necessary, and that's what ended up happening with us because there were other reasons we worked better as friends, but there *should* be better frameworks for discussing what people want and need that don't automatically assume that one partner's feelings are automatically more important or valuable than the other's.

[geese-in-flight]

I was dating someone who wanted to be accommodating and work with me to figure things out but lacked the EQ to do so in any effective way. It was my first relationship and I was still figuring out what being ace meant for me. It’s been eight or nine years, but I still remember very clearly the moment I realized we’d been approaching the entire discussion as if my orientation was the problem to be solved, and that it would be equally as valid to say that hers was.

She was significantly less impressed with this revelation than I was, but I tried to hold on to it ever since (although obviously the real problem wasn’t either one of us, but the mismatch and the lack of tools to deal with it). I think it’s super important to remember that we aren’t the ones in the wrong while our theoretical partners are the ones in the right. I was surprised by how much I’d internalized the assumption and I don’t think I’m the only one.

[ineffectualdemon]

The other frustrating aspect of this is allo relationships will often have periods of time where libido does not match (I'm not derailing and this will swing back to asexual people)

Just after giving birth, during a family crisis, during a mental health episode, during health problems, during stressful periods at work

There are a lot of times when one person is horned up and raring to go and the other has no interest

And the solution often presented is that the person who is going through something should just put out because they are the problem instead of like...finding ways to engage in non sexual intimacy to reaffirm closeness

An asexual person is going to get 10x the amount of pressure and blame put on them and no advice on how non-sexual intimacy can help their relationships and if they get that at all it will only be to sell it as a bridge to sex they don't want.

I really hate the selling of intimacy as only equaling or facilitating sex. Intimacy comes in many forms and should be explored more by every couple as a non sexual act. And it the given importance it deserves. In fact I would argue if we as a society put more value on non sexual intimacy more relationships would be happier and healthier

And asexual people would stop getting shit for being themselves.

[scribefindegil]

Yeah, exactly! There are many different forms of intimacy, physical and emotional, and we need to stop viewing non-sexual forms of intimacy as inherently lesser.

And also you're right that while this post is specifically about the asexual experience, these problems affect everyone; desire gaps, whether temporary/circumstantial or ongoing, affect many if not most long-term relationships. And the solution needs to reaffirm bodily autonomy and compassion for everyone, not just carve out a specific exception for ace people. Too frequently I see people and institutions that, even when they're attempting to be affirming, essentially say "Well this is what a committed relationship Needs To Look Like . . . unless you already id as ace I guess" instead of allowing their general idea of what relationships can look like to expand and become less prescriptive.

No one should be pressured into sex they don't want. This should be a basic and non-negotiable tenet of feminism. But it goes out the window as soon as it's in the context of a committed relationship that isn't otherwise abusive.

[aro-thoughts]

What the hell... I had no idea the one who doesn't want to have sex is still pressured to put out even if they're going through something- stress, health problems, after giving birth, what the hell!!!! Like actually why is sex seen as that important that it should override even things like that???? Honestly what's even the appeal of sex if your partner isn't consenting

Here's the solution I'd propose if I were the therapist in that situation. It won't work for everyone, but polyamory exists. Obviously OP felt committed enough to this person that they still stayed in each other's lives when they're 'just' friends. So the way I see it is like, even if you personally have never considered polyamory, if you're dedicated to a person enough, you can let things like that slide, and that way everyone gets their needs met

Honestly. There is no way in hell that one person, and only one person, is capable of being there for you physically, emotionally, sexually, romantically and otherwise all of the time. There are some things your partner may not be able to do for you that other people can. And honestly. If there's a need you have that must be fulfilled, and there's a person who's capable and willing to fulfill it for you....I don't see the problem

Literally as long as anything is safe, sane and consensual, what is the problem....

[scribefindegil]

Hi! I only just saw this addition and I really don't want it circulating without a rebuttal, so please listen to me when I say: suggesting polyamory as The Solution to a situation like this is just as aphobic and insulting as suggesting that ace people suck it up and have sex anyway. Many ace people have been coerced into polyamory/open relationships that they do not want because of this attitude. It continues to present the desire for sex as a non-negotiable need that MUST be met while ignoring the ace partner's needs and desires.

Not everyone is interested in polyamory. Telling ace people that they "must" be okay with it if they're not interested in sex, is, frankly, fucked up.

[aro-thoughts]

Oh god <.< I hope everyone who saw my response will see this addition too 🤔 I think polyamory is definitely important to at least bring up in a conversation like this but no, it's not the end all be all- I think I did word it like it was The Perfect Solution? My bad bro 💀

I think how I'd amend that would be that I think the frameworks of relationships that we have are just way too reductive (the assumption that the ace person must bend to the need for sex, etc), and at least for me, some kind of relationship anarchy type of deal is a lot more fitting

[scribefindegil]

Thank you for listening! I absolutely agree that a discussion of relationship anarchy is important in situations like this, but that also includes things like "interrogating how much the allo person's desire for sex in a relationship is genuine vs how much of it is that they've internalized the societal message that they're a failure if their partner doesn't find them attractive." Often the suggestion that aces try polyamory doesn't come from a place of truly valuing relationship anarchy and the personal choice to pursue non-normative relationships, but as a way of replacing one prescriptive relationship model with another.

[canonically47]

this pride month, don't forget to shout out asexuals and aromantics. sometimes even pride month can make us feel isolated so DON'T FORGET US!! WE'RE HERE AND WE'RE QUEER!!

[starsandscars81]

“Love is love” okay but can we talk about people whose identities don’t focus on feelings for another person? Pretty please???

[theaspecyear]

So sad to read that “aces get all the rep” ’cause like, sure, there is more ace rep than aro rep around.

It’s still hard to mention 10 canon ace characters. I could do it, since I specifically seek out all kinds of aspec rep, but most of it is very minor books/comics that no one uninterested in aspec rep would know or ever have heard of (and the more mainstream ones are usually completely ignored by the fandom).

Aces don’t get all the rep, they get some rep. Aros get less than that.

The problem isn’t the ace rep. Let’s not make this a battle of who gets more scraps. Aspec people need more rep, undoubtedly, but getting upset at what little rep we currently get isn’t going to fix anything.

[doginurbloodstream]

only ace rep i can think of is alastor and dexter morgan. the problem is that i hate vivzie and her creations, and that dexter is a serial killer with "no emotions" and apparently he changes his mind (according to my friend at least, i havent watched much of the show)

[theaspecyear]

There are a couple more in mainstream media (Todd in Bojack Horseman, an aroace side character in Heartstopper, two ace side characters in Sex Education, one character in Shadowhunters afaik [I didn’t watch any of these]; plus one ace character in Heartbreak High but I don’t think that’s less mainstream already).

Honestly when thinking of (aro)ace rep my mind immediately goes to Koisenu Futari, it’s so weird to me that such an important j-drama is unknown to most people.

Anywayyy, that is to say that yes, there is some ace rep but in most of the mainstream media it is badly handled (serial killers/people with no emotions/characters who appear one second and then completely vanish from the show/villains), and even then, it’s very little.

[Side note that there’s nothing inherently bad in ace characters being villains (I love villains!), but when out of 10 ace characters 9 are villains/depicted as some kind of psychopaths, goes without saying that risks to convey a very wrong message.]

[aro-ace-culture-is]

Am I still Aroace if I'm greyaroace

Sure! I mean, greyaroace definitely falls under the aroace umbrella and is on the aroace spectrum, so if it feels right to you, then you're aroace. <2

[astvrall]

Happy pride month!

[aromantic-diaries]

"everyone should get more aromantic" can appeal to tumblr's sensibilities but I genuinely think everyone should also get more asexual. I don't mean everyone stop having sex, what I mean is

Sex is not essential. You can live without it. Full stop.

Not having sex isn't shameful or a sign of failure. It also doesn't make anyone boring.

You are not entitled to having sex with anybody and nobody is entitled to having sex with you.

Sex is not what makes someone an adult.

Nobody's worth is defined by how much sex they have or don't have.

Sex is not equally important to everyone.

You can have fulfilling and happy relationships without sex.

You should only have sex on your own terms, not because you feel like you owe it to someone, or because you feel like you'd be incomplete without it.

Know your boundaries around sex and be firm about them. Know how to respect other people's boundaries.

The previous point also applies when it comes to discussing sex. If someone doesn't wanna talk about it or hear about it you have to back down.

Anything can be sexual but not everything has to be sexual.

[purpleheartemote]

You have no idea how good it feels to run into strangers who headcanon a character as aro. In spaces where ships are taken too seriously and around friends who just don't really care all too much about aromanticism, seeing a complete random person headcanon something that I am in real life brings me so much genuine joy

[arowitharrows]

I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable coming out as aroace, despite being comfortably aroace. The other day someone asked me if I was queer and I felt so uncomfortable saying yes, because even if it is true, I knew it was still painting the wrong picture in this persons mind. And throughout the rest of the evening it was obvious they thought I was bi but I couldn't correct them because it's not an easy "oh I'm not X I'm Y", it's a whole new conversation: opening yourself up to uncomfortable and invasive questions, opening yourself up to the other persons astonishment and bafflement which just makes you feel more othered, opening yourself up to being hurt by casual assumptions and dismissive comments or just plain awkward silence. and usually it ends with the feeling that you didn't do enough to paint the right picture, to explain everything in a way that leaves no false impressions, that you didn't find the right words to make them truly understand you. despite such understanding taking years and years of work. It's so frustrating!

[sakana-no-yama]

[arowitharrows]

Shout-out to aromantic people whose lives are so fucking busy that they periodically forget what day of the week it is. today is Wednesday, June 5th. Happy Aromantic Visibility Day.

[arowitharrows]

Today is Thursday, June 5th. Happy Aromantic Visibility Day.

[arowitharrows]

It's June 5th again!

[morb1dcan1d]

The Aromantic Experiences Zine is live!!💚

I have dedicated big parts of the past few months towards the creation of this community zine! And oh am I delighted that it has actually become real!! The digital file is officially open for anyone to read.

I am forever grateful for the people in my tiny aromantic community who decided to take part in this encounter of mines! I will forever be grateful and will be thinking fondly of creating such a big thing! This bad boy is about 70 pages long!! Crazy!!

Ko-Fi link to download the free zine:

Aromantic Experiences // Digital Zine - Morb1dCan1d's Ko-fi Shop

A zine containing works written by a group of aromantic people. There is barely any representation for this peculiar identity, and finding c

[morb1dcan1d]

Reblogging as a happy pride month post!

I also wanted to let know those who have previously asked: I will real soon post an option to purchase a physical copy! The earnings from it will be donated to my local queer organisation.