thebaldunicorn @thebaldunicorn - Tumblr Blog

can't keep a good trauma spelunker down

EXACTLY. I would be real concerned if they picked Normal Door over Evil Hole.

#malevolent #not my art #lol #arthur lester #john doe #they'd argue about it for a while first #maybe take the regular door and IMMEDIATELY turn around and go to the evil hole #they can't resist

anthraxofeffervescence

The core conceit of Lord of the Rings is pretty funny. You are a twenty three year old in a suburb of Maine. The little bracelet in your grandpa’s attic has an inscription on it that is the password to the world’s entire nuclear arsenal. It is up to you to walk to the only hydraulic press in the world, located in Arizona, before the FBI finds the bracelet, kills you, and enslaves the suburb of Maine you currently live in

anthraxofeffervescence

Also the 90-year old hobo that your grandpa beat in a rap battle for possession of the bracelet while hiding from the Romanian secret police really loved the bracelet because it was coated in small amounts of LSD and tried to hunt and kill your grandpa to get it back. He was then apprehended by the FBI and instantly gave them your grandpa’s address. Seal Team Six is about to break down your door and shoot you, says your local congressman who can also do cool magic tricks

bloodyraven1001

There's a guy in NY who MIGHT be capable of destroying the codes but won't coz he simply wants to spend time with his wife. So it's up to your grandpa's old friend in rural Ohio to get you the friends capable of finishing the task.

ariaste

And we must not, at any point, remember the existence of aircraft and ask aloud why we can't just fly to Arizona

horizon-penblade

We can't use aircraft because the fbi has access to all the flight data how many times do we need to go over this

eonblueinmay

Watching the process of this absolutely stunning painting makes it even more beautiful.

The artist is Sydney Swisher

wifegideonnav

“bits to use in everyday conversations”

kaity--did

Tonight on My Husband Doesn’t Know How to Baby Talk

“Ma’am, are you aware that these, right here are your hands? They belong to you. And you get to decide what happens with them. So when you use these hands to pull your binky out of your mouth that is not necessarily a dad problem. I’ll fix it obviously i just want you to acknowledge it’s not my fault”

kaity--did

Husband: ma’am it has been reported lately that you do in fact have tiny little toes and a little button nose, do you care to comment?

Penny Rose: Babbles in Baby

Husband: RIVETING!

kaity--did

Penny Rose: Does that High Pitched Baby Yell ™️

Husband: Let it out friend! Feel your feelings!

kaity--did

Me: Hehehe silly husband doesn’t know how to do baby talk

All of tumblr collectively at my husband:

kaity--did

Penny Rose: does a sad baby scream

Husband: you don’t even have to understand taxes yet! I can explain them but you’ve got several years before that’s relevant!

Penny Rose: wide eyes, staring at her father, almost intrigued

Husband: I lied to you Penny your mother does our taxes. Do you want to know about arbitration? I know all about arbitration.

kaity--did

THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGEND

yes he just walks around the house and talks to her like this

kaity--did

Penny Rose: Cooing as twinkle twinkle little star plays

Husband: Now Penny there is a lot of misinformation out there in the world and I hate to tell you this but the moon is in fact not made of cheese. That is a conspiracy theory pushed by Big Dairy.

????

kaity--did

Husband: Holds Penny Rose up to her reflection in the microwave

Husband: you see Penny Rose! This was the M. Night Shyamalan twist! You were mirror baby all along!

kaity--did

FYI this is how you get a Deals Warlock if you were wondering

justplainsalty

I have follow up questions:

1) Did you participate in baby talk to make up for your husband's deficit, or did you also opt to speak to the Deals Warlock like a very tiny adult from babyhood?

1a) If you participated in baby talk with Penny, did she ever do any code switching with you while she was learning to talk (I mean, babyish talk back to you but fully formed adult like you share with us to Lawyer Dad)?

kaity--did

I didn't baby talk with her very much either! I think I squealed at her more than my husband did.

Something funny that has happened is that while she formally calls me Mama when she's answering me in passing she does call me "My Darling Love" and I don't know for sure but I think it's because I call her and her father "my loves" and her father calls me and her "darlings" and she's created a mash up 😂

So I'll say "okay penny it's time for bed" and I'll just hear "okay my darling love!" 😂

kaity--did

Everyone is always so so kind on this post but I do want to warn you all that this did in fact lead to an insanely verbal child, and if you choose that life you have to commit to that life.

Penny Rose is now 5 years old and she

1. Starts talking the moment she opens her eyes to the moment she passes out at night

2. Asks, and I am not exaggerating I counted, an average of 892 questions a day

3. Does not accept "I don't know" as an answer to said questions, will usually have a follow up question as to why you don't know OR a suggestion on how we can find out together

I pay for limitless data and have 709 Google tabs open on my phone at all times

gaylor-moon

grippy3000

fun fact one of the world champions in pepper-eating contests is a trans woman and she actually faced significant backlash because people somehow thought she had a biological advantage. to eating spicy pepper

grippy3000

update bc i went back and checked: her name is brianna “the chilli queen” skinner and she set a record in 2017 by slamming back 23 carolina reapers consecutively. she only stopped when told to by the referees, and the next year she stepped down out of boredom. queen

pettyartist

Here's a picture of her, by the way

And her super supportive wife

nentuaby

The championship, it should be noted, is unisex. Apparently being a trans woman gives you an innate biological advantage over both cis men and cis women.

vexwerewolf

The innate biological advantage of being cool as fuck

astrolattes

i know we’re not exactly taking andy weir’s word as gospel or anything, but. thinking about that interview where he basically implies rocky wasn’t all that special on the blip-a. he’s a brilliant engineer, but he wasn’t first engineer. first engineer probably wouldn’t stay holed up in their workshop anyway — they’d be moving about the ship monitoring and fixing things. consulting with leadership and such. eridians are social and communal problem-solvers, so the engineering department is itself a small thrum, contributing their own sub-specialties, being extra hands when needed.

rocky’s like, third engineer. he’s quick and creative but he’s also bossy, impatient, and blunt; not really leader material! he thinks of himself as a cog in the machine and appreciates the freedom it gives him. plus he’s a bit neurotic, and flinches at the thought of having authority because that means everyone else will answer for his fuckups. noooo thank you. he’s content to be in the background and good at his job.

and then people start dying.

remnantglow

when being insufferably obnoxious abt a piece of media u love actually convinces ppl to check it out

amartworks

had a fun experience on the subway the other day

xteacupx

One year on my birthday when I was struggling with money (earned £6.70 an hour, slept on a mattress on the floor), I had friends visit for a party.

We went to an aldi to get food, and everyone insisted on paying for their own food, buying full bottles of fizzy drink, their own snacks and so on. Some of the friends brought their own baked goods too. Later, one friend covered a Chinese takeaway order for me and everyone ordered lots of food to eat with no hesitation, only to mention that their eyes had been bigger than their stomachs when the food did arrive.

I didn't realise what was happening until the next day, when each person left my flat with the same "oops, bought too much food to take home with me— I'll just leave it with you!" farewell.

I think about it a lot. I don't know if it was planned or not, but they all made sure I didn't need to worry about food for a good few weeks. Back then, I had to freeze loafs of bread to ration them out, and I had an iron deficiency from not being able to afford good food. But alone in my flat, I realised that I suddenly had a kitchen full of reminders that my friends loved me.