Amanda Bynes’s Behavior Revealed to Be Elaborate PSA
On Tuesday, the Society for the Detrendification of Marijuana revealed that they have been paying actress Amanda Bynes to perform stunts such as hit and runs, incomprehensible and aggressive tweeting, and bong defenestration.
“The cool connotations of pot are of great concern to us,” said the society’s president Myrtle Munch. “We wanted to find someone who could shatter those associations, and so far we’ve been very pleased with Amanda’s work.”
The Society instructed Bynes to keep the drug in her possession at all times, and to smoke it frequently. The insane tweets that have confounded the internet have been carefully composed by a team consisting of teen psychologists, former child stars, and Charlie Sheen. Professional stunt drivers elaborately staged Bynes’s many accidents.
“Throwing the bong out the window was all her, though,” Munch said proudly.
Bynes is only the most recent of the Society’s employees, its most notable spokesperson being Justin Bieber. Its roundabout tactics, which include supplying young celebrities with marijuana, have received some criticism from the public. Bynes herself says that she is delighted to have the work.
“Things haven’t been going so well since I left The Amanda Show, if I’m being honest,” she told The Faster Times. “I was flattered that they considered me relevant enough for this task.”
So far, the stunt has met with success. The Society reports that the vast weed paraphernalia market has decreased to half of its former value, while reported pot smoking has decreased by 25%.
“It’s just not cool anymore,” said UC Santa Cruz sophomore and former weed smoker Jake Clopper. “She’s made us all look bad. Now all I can think about when I smoke a joint is She’s The Man, and no one wants that.”
‘Licensed to Kim Jong Il’ Records 27th Straight Year Atop N. Korean Charts
Late North Korean dictator and mix-tape legend Kim Jong Il is still dominating North Korea’s hip-hop scene from beyond the grave. More than a year after his death, his seminal album, ‘Licensed to Kim Jong Il,’ just recorded its 324th straight month at the top of the North Korean hip-hop charts.
Kim, who also invented spanx bodyshaping undergarments and reigned as North Korea’s heavyweight champion from his birth until his death, released the album to an overwhelmingly positive reception in 1986.
The North Korean Ministry of Culture released the following statement to commemorate the milestone:
“Nothing says more about the limitless talent of Dear Leader than the fact that all these years later, clubs still bump his shit. It is fortunate that North Korea was blessed by the most perfect hip-hop album ever produced. There is a reason ‘Licensed to Kim Jong Il’ is the only album our people are permitted to play on their phonographs.”
NSA Demanded Access To Un-Filtered Instagram Photos
In addition to collecting vast amounts of private user data from Facebook, Google, and Apple, the National Security Agency has demanded access to millions of un-filtered Instagram photos. A leaked email correspondence between a high-ranking surveillance officer in the NSA’s PRISM program and Instagram’s co-founder Kevin Systrom was made exclusively available to The Faster Times.
“The NSA is concerned that the arty filters and special effects on your product are being used to conceal suspicious or illegal activity,” reads the email dated mid-April 2013. “We require that all un-filtered shots be made available to our data collection services.”
The officer then threatened legal action before concluding, “Respectfully, Mr. Systrom, you’d be amazed how many terrorist training camps you can hide behind a Nashville filter.”
Systrom turned down the request stating that the un-filtered original shots did not belong to Instagram, but did invite the NSA to “follow” him on the networking site.
An in-office email leaked from a later date showed the NSA’s frustration with Instagram’s decision.
“Systrom is building tools for espionage,” the unnamed officer wrote. “Frankly, if someone is using a Valencia filter, artificial frame, and a carefully-arranged tilt-shift for an alleged holiday photo, they must have something to hide.”
President Obama turned the tables on the American people during a press conference today, suggesting that the real scandal is not that his administration has been looking at our online activity but that our emails are so poorly written.
“I’m truly appalled,” said a visibly-shaken Obama. “I’ve been reading your crap non-stop for the last month. Is there one single person in this entire country who knows what a comma splice is?”
Obama said that while he’d initially been reading our emails in search of terror plots, he’s now far more concerned about our inability to distinguish between “its” and “it’s.”
Asked by the Associated Press if he had discovered any terror plots while reading every last word we’ve written,” Obama said, “Nada, amigo” in a thick Mexican accent and walked away from the podium.
A few minutes later, Obama returned to the podium and apologized, explaining that the stress of reading our error-filled emails has been causing him to do strange things of late.
Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson Ambushed By Alan ‘The Paper’ Rubinstein
While promoting his new film “The Fast and The Furious 6” at Scarsdale High, actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was ambushed by 15-year-old student Alan “the Paper” Rubinstein, who reportedly popped out from under the bleachers and gave the star a small, yet annoying cut on the right thumb.
The alleged assailant told The Faster Times that he has always fancied himself as one of Rock’s most dangerous nemesis. “I got my nickname from my complexion and my distinctive combat style,” The Paper enthusiastically remarked. “When I heard that there was a famous wrestler called ‘The Rock,’ I knew it was my destiny to wrap his life up in a showdown.”
The victory came as a surprise, as The Paper has not had much success in his first year as Scarsdale High’s most prolific (and only) superhero.
“Alan usually just takes printer paper from the library and throws it at people,” explained Principal Douglas Hurston. “Those sheets usually float miserably in the air, less than a foot away, while Alan dashes away shouting nonsense.”
“He’s not one of our brighter students,” added Principal Hurston.
Still Alan’s parents, David and Gloria, maintain an unfounded amount of pride in their son. “I can’t believe that Alan met the Rock,” gushed his mother. “Mr. Johnson is a very strong and sexy man. I’ve seen ‘The Scorpion King’ so many times. If Alan continues with his stretches and scoliosis treatments, maybe one day he’ll be fighting big dust monsters in those racy linen tunics.”
Despite his confidence, Rubinstein is apparently dreading his next battle against famed LGBT hero Claudia “The Scissor” Booker.
Monster Fart Prompting Management to Rethink “Open Office”
A single monster fart is forcing management at Acme Technologies in Woodstock, IL to reconsider the usefulness of the “Open Office” concept. Although the company has long claimed that its wall and partition-free work area is great for increased collaboration, the monster fart from an unidentified employee could change the way Acme does business going forward.
According to a statement released by Acme, the fart was released in the early afternoon on Wednesday, just after most employees had returned from lunch. What started out as a few people arching their eyebrows and sniffing the air, rapidly transformed into a stampede toward the emergency exits.
“That was insane,” said Acme employee Calvin Lerner, who was still using his shirt as a makeshift gas mask 45 minutes after the mighty rip. “I didn’t know what was happening at first. I just heard Marilyn in accounting scream, ‘Sweet Jesus’ and then it hit me too.”
While the investigation continues, witnesses said it will be impossible to determine the fart’s point of origin. “It smelled like it was coming from everywhere,” said Acme employee Crytsal Danvers, who briefly lost consciousness after the odor hit her. “I really, really wish I had my office back.”
Acme CEO Sharon Shullenberg said the company would spend the next month reviewing its open office floor plan. “I just went back in there to get my keys, and you can still smell it, ” said a visibly shaken Shullenberg. “I haven’t gone over the numbers yet, but I can’t imagine that monster, room-clearing farts help our productivity.”
‘A/S/L’ Most Asked Question At Kaplan Online University Reunion
Kaplan, an institution that specializes in online education, held its first ever reunion on Saturday.
“These students never really got the chance to meet each other,” explained Dean of Students Rodrick Prink. “And I thought it was about time to change that.”
The five-year reunion was held in a large-ish garage in Southern New Jersey.
Over the event’s first hour, seven alumni trickled in and gravitated toward the sides of the garage, where they hunched over their phones and shot furtive glances at one another. But once they had a few drinks, things got “really wild,” according to Prink.
The alumni reportedly began circulating the room in an attempt to mingle. But then Brian Benson, an IT guy in a Three Wolf Moon t-shirt, mumbled “A/S/L” to Kiera Block, who’s “still waiting to put my degree to work.” Soon all of the alumni were asking each other for their age, sex, and location.
“You’d think that they could at least figure out the location,” said Prink. “But I guess old habits die hard.”
The A/S/L question sparked a lively conversation between Benson and Block.
“We started talking about how annoying all those password changes were at Kaplan, and that really began our walk down memory lane,” he said.
As the stereo blasted “Forever Young,” the alums began dancing tipsily, while Block straddled Benson on a riding mower in the back corner.
“Wanna know what I answered when she asked me A/S/L?” an inebriated Benson screamed at The Faster Times. “Forty one, YES, and RIGHT HERE.”
Eighth-grade bully Eric Morton said he thought he was dreaming when he heard that the Boy Scouts of America had voted to lift the organization’s ban on gay youths and teens.
“I honestly never thought this day would come,” said Morton, a student at Trenton Park Junior High in Trenton, New Jersey. “It just goes to show that, if you continue to believe and hope, anything is possible.”
“I’m just really happy for him,” said Morton’s father, Ray, a former bully himself. “This would have been unthinkable when I was growing up. It’s a great day for bullies everywhere.”
According to Morton, the prospect of gay Boy Scouts could change the face of bullying forever. “I used to have to work double duty,” Morton said. “I used to spend half of my day ridiculing and beating the Boy Scouts and half of my day ridiculing and beating the gaywads. Now there’s just one big group of scoutwads. It saves so much time and effort.”
Morton noted that while he’s not yet sure how he’s going to use his extra time, he’ll certainly be giving many more wedgies in the days ahead. “This is a new era,” Morton said. “Right now I just want to enjoy it.”
“Speaking of which, you look like a scoutwad yourself,” Morton added, as he picked up this reporter by the back of his underwear and hung him from a hook in the boy’s locker room.”
A totally lame trust fall exercise during counselor training for the Bronx Urban Day Camp was reportedly redeemed when the boob of “totally hot” counselor Alexa Ali grazed the arm of 19-year-old counselor Derek Weiner.
“It was totally sweet,” an excited Weiner told The Faster Times. “And I’m pretty sure I brushed some nipple.”
After witnessing Ali’s breast graze the arm of Weiner, other previously disinterested male counselors became deeply engaged in the trust-building exercise.
“Alexa’s the hottest counselor, but Jamie Willwood’s got the best rack,” said Matt Simon, who was proudly voted BROunselor of the Year last summer. “And Jamie was up next.”
But despite his best efforts, Simon was unable to graze Willwood’s boob.
“I don’t know how Derek did it,” said Simon. “The man’s a god damn magician.”
Though Weiner—a virgin entering his sophomore year at Rutgers University—does perform magic tricks as a hobby, he said that magic had nothing to do with the miraculous boob graze.
“It had nothing to do with magic,” Weiner giggled. “This was all about being double-jointed.”
“I didn’t do it on purpose, though,” he added. “Oh God, please don’t let this lead to angry blog post about me on Jezebel.”
Google Forces 500 Millionth User to Join Google Plus
In a press conference on Monday, Google announced that it has coerced its 500 millionth user into joining its social network, Google Plus.
“It has taken a lot of trickery and underhandedness,” said Google SVP Vic Gundotra, “but we finally made it.
So how has Google managed to gather so many reluctant users?
“We offer a lot of services that people actually want to sign up for,” said Gundotra, referring to such popular sites as Youtube, Gmail, Maps, and Blogger. “It’s now almost impossible to use the Internet without a Google account, and unfortunately for everyone, that means you have to sign up for Google Plus.”
More and more, users are finding themselves stuck between a rock and a fucking pointless social network.
“I just wanted to comment on that video of a cat singing ‘Gangnam Style,’” explained Google Plus user Rodrigo Evans. “And suddenly I was being asked to add people to ‘circles.’”
Other common reasons for accidentally joining Google Plus include “video-chatting my aunt,” “starting a food blog,” and “owning an Android phone.”
“My Google Plus profile is the first thing that comes up when you google me,” said Evans, whose profile remains bare. “It’s almost like Google’s blackmailing me into using their stupid social network.”
In addition to its 500 million unwilling users, Google boasts an additional 107 pathetic ‘early adopters’ who refuse to accept that the site is a depressing ghost town.
NFL AM Hosts Desperate For Someone to Tweet a Dick Pic or Something
With the NFL Draft over and training camp still almost two months away, the hosts of NFL AM—the NFL Network’s daily four-hour live studio show—are becoming increasingly desperate for an NFL player, coach, or even GM to tweet a dick pic or something.
“If we’re lucky, we have about four minutes of actual news,” explained co-host Nicole Zaloumis, “and then we’re hunkering down for three hours and 56 minutes of total fluff. I mean, we’ve had six different segments about whether Eli Manning is underrated in the last two weeks alone. It’s getting bad.”
“It really makes you yearn for the days of Brett Favre retiring and un-retiring while sending shots of his tiny penis to unsuspecting girls,” added co-host Eric Davis. “Brett really understood what we needed and delivered.”
But with Favre in quiet retirement, the NFL AM hosts are frantically praying that someone picks up the slack.
“Even if it was just Vince Young getting photographed shirtless at another homoerotic, tequila-soaked brodown, that would be a step in the right direction,” said Davis.
Co-host Steve Wyche explained that though the show’s sad, football-addicted audience clearly didn’t care about quality content, it was a matter of self-respect.
“If we have to resort to reading inane tweets that people sent us for 40 minutes again,” Wyche said, “I’m gonna go back to being a fluffer for Chris Berman.”
A study of Instagram photos performed by the Social Media Analysis Center of Kentucky (SMACK) has revealed that the formerly ubiquitous “duckface” facial expression might soon be overtaken by “fishlips.”
The Center’s cutting-edge facial-recognition technology has analyzed thousands of selfies on social photography site Instagram and determined that the amount of fishlips has steadily risen over the past few months. SMACK projects that by August, fishlips will become the most common pose on Instagram.
Why has the facial expression suddenly become so popular?
“It’s really an amalgamation of the duckface and kissy-face,” explains SMACK Director Trenton Spick. “It’s also even harder to pull off than the duckface, which is definitely part of its appeal.”
According to the Center’s consultant, high school sophomore and volleyball player Kristen Bray, the trend originated with under-ten-year-olds.
“My little sister and her friends were goofing off, making fishlips in the mirror,” she says. “I knew right then that I could make it look hot.”
To make the pose, Bray advises pursing your lips, then sucking in your cheeks.
“It might not look good at first,” she says. “But there’s nothing the Earlybird filter can’t fix.”
Michele Bachmann Stepping Down for More Batshit Crazy Time with Family
In a move that has disappointed comedians around the world, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) announced yesterday that she will be stepping down to spend more time being totally batshit crazy with her family.
“Trust me when I tell you this was not an easy decision for me,” Bachmann said. “But, at the end of the day, I only have so much time in this life to do and say things that are just completely batshit crazy. It’s not fair for me to ignore my family.”
According to reports, Bachmann’s husband, Marcus, has pleaded with her to remain in Congress to no avail. “I just think the American people could, um, use a little more time with her,” said Marcus, who appeared to be making a knot around his neck with a long strip of rope. “Trust me, it’s not that our family won’t be thrilled to have her back at home spewing insane bullshit all day,” added Marcus, who, having finished his knot, appeared to be tying the other end of the rope to a rafter.
Google’s New Office Graveyard to Make Dying at Work More Convenient
In addition to the putting green, hair salon, massage parlor and 19 restaurants, contractors at the Google HQ in Mountain View, California have built an on-site graveyard for employee use.
“Statistically, people have their best ideas just before they die,” a Google spokesperson told The Faster Times. “We want to tap into this. With our new on-site intensive care unit and funeral services, Google will never miss out on those crucial deathbed ‘Ahah!’ moments.”
The first funeral at the Googleplex is already being arranged for a web technician who fatally crashed his Segway into the company’s koi pond. “This is what he would have wanted,” said a close friend and co-worker. “Instead of a eulogy we’re going to hold a casual brainstorm in his honor. It will be really tasteful.”
Recognizing the need to keep up with Google’s famous employee perks, Yahoo! CEO Marissa Mayer has announced plans to convert two floors at the company’s headquarters into an on-site crematorium. Said Mayer, “We want the world’s top tech talents to know that they don’t have to go to Google to die at work.”
Jennifer Lawrence Shocks Fans By Failing to Act Endearingly Awkward at Cannes
Jennifer Lawrence’s internet fan-base is in a state of shock following the actress’s “normal star” behavior at the Cannes International Film Festival.
“She didn’t seem laid-back or down-to-earth,” said a TMZ reporter. “She was actually acting like a celebrity.”
When asked what she was wearing, Lawrence replied “Chanel” without any hint of irony or self-deprecation. She did not mention how uncomfortable the clothing was, nor did she try to steer the conversation away from herself.
The actress, usually known for her modesty and sense of humor, spent the rest of the evening discussing red-carpet fashion and talking about her method. Her demeanor was described as “poised” and “elegant.”
“She actually took credit for her abilities as an actress,” said Taylor Johnson, an NYU acting major and author of the blog downwithhathaway.tumblr.com. “Nothing she did that night would have made a good GIF. It was a huge disappointment.”
“This isn’t the J-Law we love,” said one member of the Jenniderp fan community. “She was acting like Gwyneth Paltrow or something. She wasn’t remotely adorkable.”
Other members of the fan community reported rage that the actress didn’t lose her balance or become flustered in the presence of another celebrity.
“This does not seem like the girl who charmingly photobombed me at the Met Gala,” Sarah Jessica Parker told a reporter.
When later asked about her atypical red carpet performance, Lawrence responded: “I don’t know what was wrong with me that night. I was feeling confident and proud of my achievements. It won’t happen again.”
UPDATE: Lawrence has responded to fan outrage with an extended nervous chuckle and assertion that she is just a girl from Kentucky with an unimportant career.
Paul Krugman Tops Rap Charts With “Keynes Thug 4 Life”
Princeton economist and New York Times columnist Paul Krugman has once again topped the rap charts with his latest release, “Keynes Thug 4 Life.”
Coming on the heels of Krugman’s last round of hits, “Show Me Da Inflation,” “It Ain’t About the Debt, Ho,” and “Trillion Dolla’ Groin,” the new single firmly establishes Krugman as the unlikely new “king of rap.”
“I’m delighted so long as my dope rhymes are causing people to spend more and thus helping to lift the economy out of this recessionary spiral,” Krugman said. Krugman then slammed his right fist into his own chest, shouted, “Keynes thugs don’t quit,” and walked away.
In “Keynes Thug 4 Life” Krugman returns to his usual themes, lashing out at the “punk-ass austerian bitches” who fail to grasp that cutting back spending in the face of a slowing economy will only depress the economy further.
“What can I say?” Jay-Z said, when asked about Krugman’s rapid rise to the top of the rap world. “Sometimes a new king comes to sit on the throne.” Added Jay-Z, “I have to admit that I never thought I would be displaced by a 60-year old Nobel Prize-winning economist, but then, I also never thought you could make so many words rhyme with Bernanke.”
Some of Krugman’s popularity can no doubt be attributed to his electrifying live performances, during which he often takes breaks to show slides of Japan’s economic performance in the ’90s.
Shaq Confident He Will Eventually Make Funny Quip on TNT
Despite a rough start to the 2013 playoffs, Shaquille O’Neil is confident he will eventually contribute a funny quip to a TNT broadcast.
So far O’Neil has focused on repeatedly saying “Bird Man” in a weird voice and finding clips of bad passes for “Shaqtin’ a Fool.”
“I knew coming in it would be tough to contribute,” said O’Neil. “But I’m not giving up. I spent the entire off-season working on my quips with Charles, and it is bound to happen for me.”
Charles Barkley, for his part, says he simply doesn’t get it. “Why can’t he just say one damn funny thing?” Barkley said. “Even Ernie says something funny now and then. Ernie Johnson can’t be funnier than you. That’s just not right.” Barkley shook his head. “Shaqtin’ a Fool? I’m sorry but that’s just dumb.”
