Just a girl venting so she doesn't lose her mind.

The Grief Button Analogy: there is a box with a pain button inside it and a grief ball. The grief ball starts off huge and constantly touches the button which causes pain, but over time the ball shrinks. Every now and then it hits the button, causing a grief attack, but we manage to function as best as we can.

[thegriefbutton]

I'm grieving the young woman I'm meant to be.

[thegriefbutton]

Happy World Mental Health Day 2023!

I can honestly say the last week has been the hardest in a long time. It hasn't been helped by a doctor not updating their notes which has left me without medication for multiple days. The cold turkey has sent my body and mind into overdrive!

I suppose this is what WMHD is about though. It's about talking and sharing our experiences whether positive or negative. The most important thing is to keep talking and fighting through the dark times.

Whether you're experiencing today in a good place or a bad one, just remember that you matter.

Your body matters.

Your mind matters.

[thegriefbutton]

She was so small. 💔

I just can't get the image of her out of my mind.

[thegriefbutton]

I wish I didn't overthink. I wish I didn't feel everything at 200% with very little reprieve because my OCD brain likes to hold on to things.

I am so bloody tired.

[thegriefbutton]

Today was not a good day at work.

It's so hard to remain positive when so many people want to tear your hard work down.

We try so hard but to some people it's never good enough. I wish they'd stand a minute in our shoes.

[thegriefbutton]

I have no excuse for not updating, apart from I haven't really had much to say.

I've booked in a couple of tattoos in September; they are such a release for me! I've chosen a couple of lyrics from songs that I adore and the second one is a portrait of my beloved hedgehog, Murphy. My grief for him feels neverending! He absolutely hated my presence - unless I was feeding him - but I adored his grumpy bum. Gosh, it's crazy how much our little furry/spikey/scaley/feathery friends affect us, isn't it?

Secondly, I had a face to face appointment with a doctor (I know! Face to face!!) and he has referred me to a pain clinic to hopefully get some of the symptoms of my chronic illness under control. I can only hope it works! I certainly cannot look forward to the future if this discomfort and pain is going to be in it. Fingers crossed they can help me!

[thegriefbutton]

Honestly... The heat in the UK this weekend was awful and I could barely get my brain to work 🤣 my cat was also not well so I think I spent all my time worrying about her. She's okay now!

Today was such a nightmare at work. Communication and organisation was sorely lacking!!

I'm in a bit of pain today. My back is quite sore, which would usually annoy me, but I've actually got a face to face appointment with the doctor on Wednesday so I'm praying the pain stays for that. 🤣 I swear, if they try to fob me off, I won't be best pleased!

[chronicallyuniconic]

It's actually crazy that some ppl think that we are pretending to have a chronic illness for attention(?) or something when I've actually never been more ignored & had less attention in my entire life. I am alone🙃✨

[thegriefbutton]

It really is hard to find people that understand how hard getting up every day is. I struggled to get up this morning. I literally would have quite happily slept the day away.

Does anyone else find they're more exhausted if they get a good night's sleep?

I rarely sleep well, but when I do, I'm worse than when I've had only a handful of hours. 😅

[thegriefbutton]

Seeing how white her face is becoming is incredibly humbling. I'd do anything to reverse the hands of time just a little bit.

[thegriefbutton]

I don't have much to say today so here is a hoglet update! He's 174g and absolutely thriving 😍

[thegriefbutton]

A rather bland update today. Not much to say if I'm honest.

I think I'm too tired to really think of anything of importance to say.

It's been a tiring day as it was college day today which means a long drive there, a 6 hour lecture and then a long drive back. The drives wouldn't be soo bad if the motorways weren't plagued by roadworks.

Don't you hate and love being a driver? I like it when the roads are good to me, but as soon as there are roadworks I'm raging haha!

[thegriefbutton]

It was a better day today! Honestly, working with animals can literally be the best medicine. I had a group of 7 animals that I recovered after their surgeries today and they were all beautiful little babies! I won't say I had some favourites, but a couple healed a bit of my soul this morning.

I also had a phonecall from the talking therapy that I've referred myself to. She did an OCD assessment... of course it came back as a confirmation. I didn't need an assessment to know that considering my daily rituals that I must do. xD

How was your day? I've not asked you in the past couple of posts.

[thegriefbutton]

It's been an odd one today.

My second Father's Day and the first anniversary of my precious hedgehog's passing. I know, right? What a weekend!

I had a low contact relationship with my dad so I don't really miss Fathers Day, but I do get saddened when I see everyone else celebrating a positive relationship with their dad. I did my best to avoid Facebook so I didn't have to see it all.

Now... My real heartache today is Murphy. He was a grumpy African Pygmy Hedgehog that I absolutely adored - even if he hated my very existence. When you get a hedgehog, you obviously don't expect a cuddly little fluff ball, but I certainly wasn't expecting a spikey ball of terror haha! He was perfect though; I wouldn't have changed a thing about him. Gosh, I miss him so bad! I have so many thoughts of 'what if...' but that doesn't serve me so I try to ignore my negative brain. I just hope he knew deep down how much I loved him.

All in all, I've been exhausted. I have had so much brain fog and literally just wanted to sleep all day. Emotions are an exhausting thing, especially negative ones.

[thegriefbutton]

I feel like I accidentally missed yesterday's update - my head is tired so I can't remember if I updated or not. It was another busy shift at work so I literally just ate dinner and went to bed!

Today hasn't been too bad. Work was pretty chilled out for a Saturday. I woke up with a stupid headache which was pretty killer but apart from that it was all good!

I spent a great deal of time just taking it steady today and enjoying the perks of working with animals - lots of cuddles!

[thegriefbutton]

I don't want my update for the day to be entirely bad, so everyone meet Blondie!

He's 2-3 weeks old and is eating like a machine. I'm told by the rescuer that he is doing brilliantly - gaining weight and being a feisty little spikey boy.

The worst part of being student veterinary nurse is that the sad times come along with the happy ones. It's a vicious kind of balance that is so hard to get used to as you quickly have to bounce back and continue supporting the little furry/spikey/feathery/scaley babies that still need you. I hope he cheers you up if you see this post. 💚

[thegriefbutton]

TW: animal death 💔

I uh... I think I'm going to break some hearts here.

Sadly Pickles gained his angel wings this morning. He passed away warm and cared for, which is the least I could have hoped for. I'd only fed him an hour before his passing so I'm in a bit of shock to be honest.

I'm sorry it's not a happy update or post, but I literally can't think of anything else to put right now.

I'm saddened that he spent 4 days fighting for survival because someone allowed their cat to roam the streets in the beginning of summer when breeding season is at it's strongest. I just hope she is safe and that the other kittens are thriving. I pray someone has managed to rescue her otherwise she'll be pregnant again in no time. 😤💔

Sleep tight, Pickle. Shine bright, little star.

[thegriefbutton]

Soooo... Everyone meet Pickle 😍 he's 3 days old and we're definitely not out of the woods, but we're doing quite well so far!

I'm exhausted from a long day, so just enjoy the kitten and we'll see what tomorrow brings!

...I'm not sure I'm ready for getting up every 3 hours to feed him 🤣