My Story as a Loveless Catholic
Apologies in advance for how all over the place I just know this is going to be.
My whole life I’ve been an atheist. I was only six years old when the thought ‘Is God real?’ entered my head. I concluded, rather quickly, no. At the time, I assumed it that it was just a wise tale that adults told kids for the questions we didn’t actually have the answer too to try and explain the world better. It was always a surprised to me by how scandalized the adults reacted to me when I expressed this belief but little me reason that they were simply putting on an act for the children who held a belief in God. I generally had no idea how serious people took their belief in God and religion.
Until I started middle school and learned about holy wars, the crusades and colonization. This was also around the same time that gay marriage was being heavily debated and I saw with my own two eyes how hateful and vitriol people became in what they believe to be in the name of God. This baffled me. Even though I lack the belief in God, I was still under the impression that it was an accepting and inclusive ideology cause how can an ideology claim to be ‘loving’ if it isn’t?
I was outraged that an ideology I believe to be untrue was seemingly responsible for so much inequality and injustice. This prompted me to try and educate myself more about atheistism and I decided to do so by following more atheist YT creators (this, ironically, lead me to being a victim of the 2016 YT right wing pipeline but that’s a story for another day) and I learned just how much of a chokehold Christianity had in American politics and society. At that point I became a full blown anti-theist and believed that the world would be a better place if religion cease to exist.
My parents are illegal immigrants from Mexico and had been trying for years to get their residency. In April of last year, my mom was told she would have to return to Mexico for her green card. We were told that, if all goes well, she would only have to spend a week in Mexico. In her interview, she admitted to bringing my brother, her then 3 year old son, with her when crossing border. For that, she was denied her green card and was told she would have to ‘beg for forgiveness’ for things to proceed. In the meanwhile, she would have to stay in Mexico.
My mom and I are very close. She is the only person I can say with confidence that I love. We were separated for three months. I didn’t cry but I slept a lot, became hyper aware of my body, something always hurt, something always felt off. We were reunited in July and I was given two option; To go back home or stay in a country I’ve never been in for an infinite amount of time. I chose to stay. And I’m glad did. I can make a whole list of reasons why, feeling more connected to my culture then ever before, the strong sense of community, learning a whole new way of living and thinking. But I know what the number one reason would be; I found God.
Our host family had a family friend who was a Pastor. He rarely visited before but started visiting more often for my mom’s stake as he felt she needed guidance more than ever. He would stop by every morning or early afternoon and to bless us. At this point, I’ve relaxed in my beliefs, no longer considered myself an anti-theist as I understood that there was virtually no way to  eradicate religion without full blown genocide as culture and religion are heavily intertwined. But I still consider myself an atheist and intently opted out of prayers and blessings, which was very much an option here. But something told me to join in on the prayers and blessings. So I did, and each time, I felt myself grew more and more at peace. At first, it was just a simple prayer and blessing but then Father started bringing wafers for communion. Father asked if I ever had my First Communion. I said no and found myself early wanting to do one, which he agreed to do for me.
On November 24, 2024, I had my First Communion and ever since, I feel more….light, like I have access to certain kind of peace, that I didn’t have before. I’ve fully embraced Christ since. I started praying more. First before and after a meal, then before bed. Now I pray when I wake up, before and after meals, Angleus in the afternoon, and before bed. I also started reading the Catechism of the Catholic Church recently, though I haven’t been it very far.
Now here’s the thing, I’ve been identifying as apothiplatonic for almost five years at this point, greyfamilial for a few months. I don’t really identify with love outside of a romantic context. I don’t label myself as loveless but I do agree with the idea that love is, ironically, over romanticized and we’ve given too much credit to something we can’t even seem to properly define. It isn’t magic, it isn’t inherently powerful, and it doesn’t make any harm done go away. I think a good and  relevant example would be, American Christians saying it’s all done out of love when they pass legislation against women, queer people, and other minorities. I’m not about to get into a debate about their own feelings, that’s between them and God. But I will say that it ultimately doesn’t matter to the rest of the world, they’re doing harm and their love does not make up for it. Some would argue that they don’t care about the world, just want to please God. But why would God be please by you doing harm to His children? By denying them their rights? By denying them the humanity God gifted them with? I know White Americans like to think of themselves as God’s favorites but I promise you they’re not. I would never do anything to harm any group of people and will always try to make them feel safe and accepted cause that’s what I believe to be right. I don’t have to love them to do all this.
I don’t love God. You would’ve thought that this was a point of inner-conflict for me. But it really wasn’t. Developing my relationship with God came pretty easy, even if it came with the usual amount of tough questions and self reflection one does when discovering Him for the first time. Sure, a lot of people emphasized love when talking about their relationship with Him and good for them. But that’s not the relationship I have with Him. I never felt the need to explain myself to Him. He’s God. He’s my creator. He made me aplatonic. He made me greyfamilial. He understands me ore than anyone. I still follow Him and His commandments, I still trust Him with my life, I still believe in His plans, I still worship Him. I don’t have to love Him to do all that.
Though there’s still a lot I wish to talk about, I’m gonna end it here. If you made it this far, thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read this and I hope my rumble served you well in any way. Again, sorry if it’s messy. I would like to keep this raw and it’s first time I’ve ever put everything into words. As you read, I’m still relatively new to my faith and still learning more about it every day. But my belief and relationship with God is strong and will only grow stronger from here.
Again, thank you and God Bless You ❤️
Okay so almost a year since I wrote this and I wish to clarify two major things;
1-I do love God. Like a lot lol. I’m not too sure what happened or even when but I love Him more than anything. It isn’t the kind of love that can be defined any worldly label-romantic, platonic, or familial. It really is a divine kind of love I can only feel for Him!
2-I also identify as Cupiofamilial, along with Greyfamilial and Allomaternal (I love my mama ❤️💖) Do consider myself a family-oriented person all things considered, regardless of my love for that specific family member.
Oh, if you’re wondering about the whole immigration situation, my mother and I are still in Mexico but we both have the feeling that we’ll be home by the end of the year, for better or worse. If you’re wondering how our family back home is doing so far, they’ve been lucky to avoid any run in with Ice Agents. But we have lost family friends to them, will a post a prayer request for them soon
If you’re reading this, may God bless and protect you 💖❤️🙏🏼
