CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION: SMARTYPANTS™ Mk. II
The Future of Tactical Apparel
Notes by: Clemont, InterPol quartermaster
Notes to: Agent Johnson, recipient of new equipment
The RVR uses a system called Advanced Sonar Scans to analyze an area, then create and project a holographic map. Holographic technology can also be used for video phone and text messaging capabilities. Mission files and encrypted InterPol channels can now also be displayed externally thanks to the RVR.
WARNING: The Rear-View Recon provides advanced tactical analysis. It unfortunately does not provide social acceptance for its methods.
High-powered electromagnet for rapid retrieval of metallic objects.
WARNING: Before activating, keep a minimum distance of 3 meters from Magnemite, Magneton, Magnezone, Klink, Klank, Klinklang, MRI machines, unsecured manhole covers, and active train tracks.
High-tension grappling launcher with automatic recoil assistance.
WARNING: Do not deploy the Rectractor Clapphook while seated.
High-intensity tactical flashbang released from the front zipper, capable of temporarily disorienting hostiles.
WARNING: Repeated activation of the Full Frontal Flash within an hour may result in permanent blindness (yours or someone else's).
Directional audio projection with over 40,000 preloaded Pokémon vocalizations. In spite of your wishes, Agent Johnson, a "human female mating call" is not provided.
WARNING: Please use the Lovehandle Loudspeaker responsibly during Pokémon mating season. Manufacturer is not responsible for territorial, romantic, or otherwise emotionally-complicated encounters with wild Pokémon.
Activate the Hard Reset protocol to produce an electromagnetic pulse emitter. Uses remote activation to ensure user moves a safe distance from the EMP before it blows. Use near your electronic pants gadgets is ill-advised.
WARNING: May temporarily inconvenience civilization.
Respiration & Environmental Air Regulator, a breathing apparatus for underwater operations.
WARNING: Device filters water into breathable air. It does not improve the taste.
✓ Posterior panel reinforcement
Utilizes layered shock dispersion mesh, adaptive compression threading, and reinforced impact-resistant fabric to add durability the user's posterior region, further protecting from extreme blunt-force trauma.
WARNING: Improves durability, does not produce invincibility. For example: a Dragon Claw swipe from a rampaging drug-addled Bewear will still deal pain, its impact will just be minimized slightly.
✓ Rear-Guard BioSeal Protocol
Adaptive fabric repair and emergency wound stabilization system. Automatically detects tears, punctures, and bodily injury beneath the SmartyPants™ fabric, sealing damaged material while applying a rapid-response medical gel to reduce bleeding and pain.
WARNING: If Rear-Guard BioSeal Protocol activates more than three times in a single mission, reconsider your current strategy. Friendly reminder that fabric restoration and medical gel does not restore dignity, confidence, or erase the memory of what caused the injury.
Installed upon Agent Johnson's request. Extra-dimensional storage compartments capable of carrying Poké Balls, equipment, evidence, and mission-critical resources without restricting movement or requiring the carrying of a backpack.
WARNING: Extra-dimensional storage does not prevent food spoilage. International Police assumes no responsibility for food poisoning, gastrointestinal distress, or mission delays resulting from explosive bathroom emergencies.
GENERAL DISCLAIMERS: SmartyPants™ Mk. II is programmed to accept InterPol-sanctioned system updates. Further gadgetry may be installed during frequent updates.
Please remember that "I wonder what happens if..." should never be immediately followed by pressing any button.
I expect you to bring this equipment back in pristine condition, Agent Johnson.
Yes, that means you have to wash them (at the very least, before you return them...). SmartyPants™ Mk. II are machine-wash (or spray, scrub n' rinse with a Squirtle's Water Gun) safe.
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