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[theoptomisticoutlook]

a concept : what if self sabotage is actually divine introspection. A moment in time to learn, to gain knowledge on self, by diving deep within self, in order to fully comprehend what it is you're asking of yourself & life. 

When I think of “self sabotage” I think about subconsciously, or sometimes consciously stopping progression forward in a specific situation due to either internalized fear, a distinct disconnect between the heart mind & soul becoming suddenly apparent, or protection of ones ego/façade due to feeling unsafe or triggered. Its an experience that happens within. Altering your inner world, thoughts, emotions, & sense of self. Therefore, starting a shift from a fixed perspective to a new more attuned perspective of you, for you. I believe, the same way you “subconsciously” acted is the same way your soul is “subconsciously” allowing change to flow within you. Its almost the souls hidden way of making room for your new sense of self, soon to be discovered or re-implemented. It may be at the price of sudden halt in life but there must be a halt because there is an aspect of self that cannot go where it is you want to go. Yes, you sabotage yourself from getting a certain outcome sooner but a) maybe the true lesson is appreciating the journey to your hearts desires, up or downs. Or b) that very aspect of yourself wanting to have so much desired sense of “control” must die. What part of yourself was triggered? & get specific because this very aspect of yourself is holding more sense of your self than you do. Did it trigger a memory of the past, fears of the unknown or a fear of the feeling of deep inner knowing? What were you preventing using “self sabotaging” ? What was the action of the “self sabotage”?  Dive into this moment of introspection. See self sabotage as an experience meant to happen by you, for you. Once recognized don't dwell in the negative connotations & feelings of self sabotage, look into why it is now being pulled center stage of your brain & emotions. Dive into this pool of self & swim in the charted & uncharted qualities, thoughts, & aspects that make you or will soon be apart of you. Allow what's meant to be washed away be washed away.  

[theoptomisticoutlook]

Retrograde has definitely retrograded. She came to show out, & she definitely showed me everything that was being hidden from me, & what truths I was hiding from myself. A constant battle of “please get out of my head” & “maybe I should just reach out” & the one out beating both those out the water, “better is to come” . These past couple weeks, I got off of social media for 2ish weeks to really discover self. In those two weeks I realized the biggest source that was draining my ability to move forward in life & past people. For awhile now I had been wearing a mask. A mask of someone I wasn't. The mask of person who doesn't reflect ambition, embody high value & self worth. A girl not speaking on her drive for her dreams and motivating others to do the same. A girl not showcasing her God given talents to the world because the cuffs of fear & judgment were locked on. A girl trying to figure out what practical & basic life she was going to have to settle with. A girl whose gas for life had officially ran out. But the best part about that gas running out is I didn't decide to just buy more gas to get me through the week. No, I bought a whole new car. A whole new life, with new mindsets now adjusted & tuned with lessons learned. A new beginning were everyday has purpose again. Everyday is another day to move with life, remaining present, gracious & fulfilled. Vision was found in those 2 weeks away, a crystal clear picture of who I was & what I was doing with my life. Beautiful, yet dark start to retrograde. Moving forward, I started to act on my words of who I was & action needed to be applied in my life & I did it. Here I am now, 2 days before the end with my dreams being so close I can taste it. Hug it. A journey where im ready to devote all my love & dedication to. Its almost here, & I cant begin to express how proud I am of myself to be coming full circle once again or maybe like 5th time again but im doing it. Better yet, I already did it.  

[theoptomisticoutlook]

my destiny

Think back on your childhood. The time when you were untouched by society, untouched by ego, unhinged from the shackles of judgment & failure. The times where your heart & mind spoke & you acted on it. That time period is the time period where you'll find life purpose, your fated destiny. Who would your younger self love to walk around holding hands with. In my case, I know little mac Jess would not want to hold hands with a girl working a 9-5 Monday through Friday. She would without a doubt hold hands with an amazing dancer with the biggest heart & love for humanity & the Earth. A girl put on the earth to go after her dreams & motivate the collective to do the same, because you can & you will. I spent my whole childhood dancing from night to day & as I got older, I always knew I was meant to be seen, meant to do more, meant to have a platform. I just never knew what was going to get me there. Id always possessed the knowledge to go out and go after my dreams but there were always still some loose wires. A) I had no clue what it was I was supposed to do to get there & B) I still had a lot to learn when it came to the department of Faith & self worth. By the way these past 2 years have played out I've definitely learned & matured in both those. The knowledge I posses now, now that I've allowed life to play out the way it was supposed to because were all where were meant to be at every moment , im ready. I've always been ready, but I've already pressed the gas & im going. Going in the direction of fulfilling my own dreams, so that through my life, my belief, my faith in God & the universe, ill make it to the top of the ladder & than get the privilege to help other build & climb their very own ladders. All that being possible because a girl believed she would, & she did. 

[universetalkz]

“I look for the good in everything, not because I am ignorant, but because it exists and I choose to seek it.”

~Rachel | Bruised But Not Broken

[theoptomisticoutlook]

Life & the ocean.

My life is like an ocean. Not because of all the tears I've shed which could literally create a whole new body of water, but because of the motions of the waves & what the ocean signifies. At times my life feels at peace, as peaceful as it would be to sit by the ocean all by yourself. Embodying all five senses. Feeling the sand in between your toes, the smell of the sea, the sound of waves crashing with land, the taste of salty water droplets still lingering, & seeing, embracing the beautiful creation the Earth has created. Even imagining the very feeling fills me with ease. That's the thing about the ocean though, its stunningly beautiful when its tranquil & it'll allow us in to embrace more of its depth & beauty but when agitated it can cause mass destruction. Harming & ruining things that should have never met with water in the first place. Massive waves, huge tsunamis possible of destroying cities. But once the ocean is done being angry, all the water goes back to where it belongs. It finds its way back to home naturally after all the chaos. Centering itself back to tranquility. Again, the same beautiful ocean it was before it caused harm. As humans we don't go and bash or hate the ocean, we accept the damage done & forgive for causing destruction. We understand its natural. Its apart of life & its how the waves of life work. At times there's peace, at times there's chaos, but regardless we will always find our way back home again. Back home to our natural center ground of peace.   

[universetalkz]

“No one is going to love you exactly like you imagine. No one is ever going to read your mind and take every star from the sky at the perfect time and hand it to you. No one is going to show up at your door on a horse, with a shoe you lost. Do you understand? That is why you have to love yourself enough, so that any other love just adds more candles to the cake you have already iced.”

~Stephanie Bennett-Henry

[theoptomisticoutlook]

purpose.

What is purpose? Or let me rephrase that question to how people typically ask this question, what is “my” purpose? Well, from going through the motions of life, I now understand that everything God has placed on this earth has purpose. Everything that exist in our reality serves purpose. Purpose isn't something we gain its something given to us the minute we gained a conscious. Purpose is the very reason why we’re alive. Its the center point of living. Many people, including myself have seeked out what their true purpose is on this earth & in this lifetime. For me, especially in these past couple weeks, purpose has been the topic placed in the hot seat of my mind & existence. I've gained an understanding that purpose is the way of life. Its the journey to happiness & full soul contentment. Its not a destination but a road. The road leading to my destiny, my dreams. Every step I take whether its a big one or a baby one as long as I am moving forward & getting closer to my destination, my destiny, I am living in “my” purpose. For awhile I was confusing Destiny & Purpose. We all also have a destiny as well, but that's a topic for the future. Once I was able to successfully differentiate the two I've gained an understanding that, I am living my life with purpose with the purpose put in me because a life without purpose is meaningless. Purpose gives life meaning. Purpose is so many things but one thing purpose isn't is a destination or discovery.    

[theoptomisticoutlook]

using “love” as escapism.

I believe as humans, we all desire love. We all desire that one special person, who is our person, to love us unconditionally. That one special person, who feels like a home in a form of a body, heart, & mind. I also believe as humans we use our genetic desire for love as a form of escapism to not love ourselves & our own lives. A form of escapism to avoid reality & the already present love we have all around us. Its why people fixate on people. This concept of using “love” as a form of escapism is the very reason why I believe so many people remain fixated on exes, situationships, flings, & ex friends. The reality is your mind has been conditioned to believe, by you, that that situation/experience was love, that it was significant or deeper than it actually was. If it was love it wouldn't have left. It wouldn't have ended the way it did, & you wouldn't currently feel the way you do or act in the way you're acting. That's where the escapism aspect comes in. As a person who should see themselves in a high regard deserving of the highest form of love stop self sabotaging. Stop avoiding your life. Stop avoiding your passions & dreams. By continuing to return & continuing to allow a false love to over power your emotions & mind & day to day life there has to come a point where you recognize at this point you're doing it on purpose to yourself. Whether its out of “comfort”, fixation/obsession, old ways of the mind, or escapism. Regardless, dwelling on a false love or an expectation that a specific person will return someday is purposefully putting yourself in a box of never moving on.  A self sabotage tactic. Sabotage to your very own greatness, self worth, dreams & true love from coming into your life. Release that person for good. Do better for yourself because you deserve so much better. Regain joy & drive in your life so you no longer feel the need or want to put yourself through the mental jail of that person. Free yourself with the very key you hold within you. Go out & explore the world, yourself, & discover what it is that makes you happy & I mean genuinely happy. Something to give you a reason to be excited to go to sleep so you can wake up the next morning & continue to live in that happiness & fulfilment. Something that fuels your body, heart, & mind to want to be present in reality & watch just how fast love flows to you & around you because love is truly all around you & within you. 

[theoptomisticoutlook]

leagues

Leagues are not real. Its simply a measurement of ones self confidence. How confident you are in yourself is the “league” you're in. If you see yourself as very attractive & someone of value you are top tier & you can pull whoever you'd like. You understand its their win or their loss, regardless you know this person is not better or less than you because the only worth you need to see & hold on a higher regard is your own. When a person lacks self confidence, they internalize this fear of not being good enough or that a person is better than them. That in itself is a problem to be addressed because you than allow yourself to settle for someone less. If we all saw ourselves as trophies leagues would not exist. This fear surrounding, rejection, lack, & doubt wouldn't exist when it comes to feelings for another person. In your reality you should hold & see yourself as a diamond because that is who you are. Accept & love yourself with all your heart to attract the pure & unconditional love. Shoot your shot at who you want & deal with the outcome no matter what it is because regardless you are still equally as amazing no matter the outcome.    

[theoptomisticoutlook]

After a long couple weeks of binge eating haagen-daz ice cream & watching all my comfort shows up to date i've found peace. I've learned a lot about myself & my life & especially how I act and feel in regards to love. Love has been a top topic in my life for a while now. Ever since I lost 60 pounds back in July of 2020 my whole life has changed, especially surrounding love in my life & how I feel about love. In the beginning prior to this time, romantic love was not even a consideration in my life. I had to lose weight to gain even a sliver of that life experience. So once a drastic weight loss occurred, there was a drastic increase in that life experience. At my big ole age of 19, it was the first time I was experiencing anything with guys or in “love”. I was very naive in this topic & lacked tons of experience. Yet it didn't help that my whole life I craved attention from men in order to feel validated in my beauty. So just as it was for many people in high school, I was dibbling & dabbling in this experience but out in the real world. I loved the attention, loved having & entertaining so many guys of all sorts. I was thriving off this experience, & not to mention how inflated my ego got from getting everyone I wanted to all the compliments I received everywhere I went. Of course through this, I got “heart broken”. Twice actually. Well make it thrice to this present day. But it wasn't until the 2nd heartbreak that it really took that I had no idea how to navigate myself in love. I had no idea how deeply I feared commitment or how emotionally unavailable I really was. I had no idea how much of an influence my childhood trauma was intruding in my actions & mindset to love. After that 2nd time, which permanently ended the day of my birthday, I decided I was going to heal. I out loud told myself I was going to heal & I was going to learn how to love in a healthy way & only accept healthy love. Not this bare minimum idealized situationship love social media has praised & normalized. As a collective society we have normalized toxicity as cute & acting in ways of unhealed trauma only causing others more trauma as okay. I spent about 3-5 months “healing” & getting over someone who should have never had access to me form the get go. Now, I can proudly say I have definitely grown & healed lots of my childhood trauma. I know my worth & I stand firmly on my foundation of self love. I have standards now. I love who I've been able to become in such a short amount of time & this girl, standing next to the girl I was at the start of the year doesn't compare. Both equally as beautiful externally, but on the inside one has found her soul, aspirations, & drive & the other was still gaining life experience. I knew I really grew with how I reacted to this 3rd heartbreak. The 2nd one I'll admit shocked me into probably one of the saddest times of my whole life, not even exaggerating. I would cry everyday for weeks, I stopped talking to everyone I knew, & I was destroying my body at the gym sometimes even twice a day. I wasn't eating enough & I was high almost everyday from the morning to night. An incredibly horrible time in my life. But I'm grateful for that experience because eventually I made it out of that hole & I made it out better than ever before. It's why when this 3rd time occurred I knew I would never allow myself to fall back into that dark of a pit of sadness, I knew I would never allow another person have that much power over my life. I also knew I'd be okay eventually because of what I had gone though & I choose that reality of being okay. No matter how I felt on a certain day, one thing's for certain that I'd be okay. So here I am 3ish weeks later so awakened to myself & better than ever. A process that in the past took me over 3 months, down to a couple weeks. That in itself is growth & improvement. It's the realization of what's meant for you will not pass you by. Do not beg or compete for anyone's love no matter how special they are because you are just as special if not more, it's your reality so of course your the best person to exist. A person who loves you shows you & doesn't make you question their love for you. There's no what ifs or maybes because in genuine love there is only certainty & reassurance. Don't allow the idea of someone's potential to keep you strung along when you can tap into your very own potential. & unfortunately they'll just have to catch up when that day comes when they so call “evolve” but don't you dare remain stagnant in your life for that moment to come. Here's the thing too though, if you love someone for who they can become & do decide to stay, you yourself do not understand love. Love isn't “potential”, attachment, control, or obsession. Love is truth, acceptance, & unconditional. Love is pure & blissful, not complicated & confusing. Love is Love. It's why once I understood what love meant to me & how I want to be loved is when I was able to move on without even the desire of turning back. The way I love is pure, straight from my heart so that is the love I will accept. Only the best because I know I am serving the best. I know I show up as my best self & I show love in the best ways I know how & that's authentic & open. So that is the love I demand to receive & if it isn't that than why do I want it. I love myself therefore the monster of “loneliness” won't win here. I love myself so I know there is better out there & my person is out there because clearly they're not for me if they're passing me by. I love myself, so I will only allow a love of my standard & capacity to be accepted in my reality. I don't need to love someone else & I definitely don't lack love in my life, so I no longer fight or allow a bare minimum love in my reality. All that does for me is add burden & baggage on my journey to accomplishing my dreams. Something or someone holding me back in any sort of of way, even emotionally, is not for me. Its like trying to fit a square toy in a triangle hole. It does not fit even if the both are shapes, this is not the right one no matter how many times I try, complain, or question why. The sooner I put the square down & and find my triangle, the sooner the pieces will fit perfectly & effortlessly. Just how I want a love that's for me to fit into my reality. 

[theoptomisticoutlook]

I think as humans we sometimes want to be in “better positions” in order to be worthy of whatever we desire or want to go after. It's almost as if we had this, or if this was that, the odds of getting or accomplishment are somehow greater. But why is that? Because if we truly stood in our self worth that would mean that we’re confident & walk the journey of life as a person of high value. As the most valuable in our own personal realities. We would live now to the fullest because we see ourselves as our greatest self, because that is who we are. We currently stand as our best selves. We are who our old self used to want to be & that is amazing. We are worthy of the world & more just as we are. There's nothing to fix about ourselves or our life, as humans we simply just have to live. Live unapologetically like ourselves everywhere we go & in everything we do. The proof of your growth is in your actions & how you show up each & everyday. Not in changing yourself. The journey of changing your life by living & taking action. As your best self, because we our best self. Be proud of everything that is you, & go live.   

[theoptomisticoutlook]

I think one of the best feelings in the world is being vulnerable. Prior to the vulnerability there's a foundation built on trust & comfort. Being able to confide in someone fully with your secrets & everything about you is such a top tier level of friendship & or intimacy. As humans we all naturally desire a level of vulnerability, whether its another person with you or you with another. Regardless, as humans that depth of trust is a craving. Its how you build stronger & healthier relationships, through vulnerability. 

[theoptomisticoutlook]

Go out & get it.

Your mind is the creator & your thoughts are your reality. From the people who you choose to exist to the problems you decide to have. Everything & anything is curated from your very own thoughts. Its why “fake it till you make it” is one of the most amazing tools to use to manifest all your desires. You convince your mind of what you want to be real & your thoughts will follow. Leading to trigger your emotions & actions to form whatever it is you want as your reality. You’ll start to subconsciously work towards your goals & endeavors because that is the food you are feeding your brain. If you decide to fill your mind with doubt & fear it will transfer over into the time you receive your blessings & manifestations because a) you don't believe you deserve or are capable of what it is you want & b) the efforts you need to put in in order for the universe to do its part are not being met. Its why I genuinely believe fear & doubt aren't real, they're subconscious self sabotage tactics not to go out there & get it. It doesn't have to be hard & it doesn't have to be scary. Tell yourself that you are on alignment & on the path to your dreams. As you make efforts towards your goals & dreams involve the emotion of love & passion to carry the weight of hard work. You can do it & you can obtain anything & everything. Simply think it, speak it, & believe it. 

[theoptomisticoutlook]

simply Me.

Recently, in the past couple days I’ve been struggling with a lot of writers block. I’ve written out so many things but I’m just not satisfied or the idea or concept just doesn't flow the way I want it to. I couldn't get a “perfect” positive message out & that's when it hit me. I'm struggling because I'm trying to fit into this box of “perfection”. When the reality is I started my personal blog as a space where I can express myself & share the lessons I’m learning on my journey to accomplishing my dreams. A blog where I can be vulnerable & open about the bad & the ugly because that is the reality of life. I wanted to connect with people on a level of truth & authenticity. I started to shy away from my true character & purpose on this blog & only wanted to center around the “perfect” advice & outlook. When in actuality my life isn't perfect. I'm not perfect & id never want to be perfect. I want to be me. I want to express myself fully as me, 100% me & that's no where near “perfect”. There’s so much beauty that lies within the scars & imperfections of self & life. That's where uniqueness lies. That's where character comes from. That's authenticity.   

[theoptomisticoutlook]

Always choose love. Choose love in every and any circumstance or situation. Love is the key ingredient to live a life of fulfillment. It's the food for the heart. Let the emotion of love guide you though your life & you can do no wrong. Simply choose love. See situations from the perspective of love. Approach circumstances from a point of love. Involve love in everything you do. We are beings curated from this very emotion. We exist because of love. We are love. So by choosing love, you also always choose yourself.

[theoptomisticoutlook]

the concept of "failure"

Failure isn't real. I believe failure is merely a concept created from the roots of self sabotage to not give the chance to succeed another shot. A concept to justify an expectation not being met how you intended it to, therefore bruising your “ego” causing you to take the easy way out & simply give up. This word or event that makes you feel belittled & unworthy should actually make you feel greater & more confident than ever that you will succeed. When you “fail” you can either decide to see yourself as that word & all the negative connotations hovering with it or you can delete the whole idea of “failing” from your consciousness & recognize there are an infinite amount of times you can try & you cannot “fail”. There is no set number on how many times you may attempt something. The only person who can set any limitations on you, is you. Every time you face the adversity of “failure” you gain more knowledge & experience. “Failure” is simply making your success more concrete with every attempt you make. You only gain more understanding from “failing” that will help you the next time you try again. Not to mention every time you get knocked down, you have to stand back up. You get up & continue to fight for what you know is meant for you. That shows worthiness. That shows dedication. Stop allowing your “ego” & a moment of “failure” define you & dictate your future. You either allow this word to define you or you allow yourself to define you. Will you choose to label yourself as a “failure” & quit just like that or will you get up, dust yourself off & go after it again. A goal achiever no matter how many times it'll take, because you know eventually you will succeed.  

[theoptomisticoutlook]

The girl on a train.

Its like I’m on a train with a one way ticket to peace & acceptance. I know exactly where I’m going & I know ill get there eventually because this train of life continues & moves along with or without passengers. But as a little kid would I sit on this train & I just keep on wondering & wondering when I’ll finally get there. Are we there yet? How much longer? So excited & eager to arrive to my destination, the light at the end of the tunnel. Peace. But as I wait to arrive, I catch myself looking out the window & my mind drifts away. It drifts to the memories, it drifts to the love, it drifts to the pain still lingering in my heart. Than I snap myself back into reality once I catch myself in too deep. I look around to make sure no one saw me wipe away my tears that came out naturally & I look down at my ticket. I look at the destination & it gives me a reason to smile because I know where ill soon be. So I choose to sit on this train accepting my reality & all the new ventures to come. I get time to plan for my future, time to recognize all the potential in me waiting to be released. I reground myself on this train so that when I arrive I am ready to put these plans in motion. Than I'm reminded that I'm only human. Ill look out the window again sometimes on purpose, sometimes on accident & I’ll drift off to the reality of when it was you & I. A part of me still holding on to the hope that when I get to my new destination you’ll be standing there with a sign & balloons. But as I live in that reality, the more I drift away to that place the more I recognize why my train had to leave that place. So I sit on this train and continue a loop of grounding & healing while I wait to get there. While I wait to arrive to peace.