After a long couple weeks of binge eating haagen-daz ice cream & watching all my comfort shows up to date i've found peace. I've learned a lot about myself & my life & especially how I act and feel in regards to love. Love has been a top topic in my life for a while now. Ever since I lost 60 pounds back in July of 2020 my whole life has changed, especially surrounding love in my life & how I feel about love. In the beginning prior to this time, romantic love was not even a consideration in my life. I had to lose weight to gain even a sliver of that life experience. So once a drastic weight loss occurred, there was a drastic increase in that life experience. At my big ole age of 19, it was the first time I was experiencing anything with guys or in “love”. I was very naive in this topic & lacked tons of experience. Yet it didn't help that my whole life I craved attention from men in order to feel validated in my beauty. So just as it was for many people in high school, I was dibbling & dabbling in this experience but out in the real world. I loved the attention, loved having & entertaining so many guys of all sorts. I was thriving off this experience, & not to mention how inflated my ego got from getting everyone I wanted to all the compliments I received everywhere I went. Of course through this, I got “heart broken”. Twice actually. Well make it thrice to this present day. But it wasn't until the 2nd heartbreak that it really took that I had no idea how to navigate myself in love. I had no idea how deeply I feared commitment or how emotionally unavailable I really was. I had no idea how much of an influence my childhood trauma was intruding in my actions & mindset to love. After that 2nd time, which permanently ended the day of my birthday, I decided I was going to heal. I out loud told myself I was going to heal & I was going to learn how to love in a healthy way & only accept healthy love. Not this bare minimum idealized situationship love social media has praised & normalized. As a collective society we have normalized toxicity as cute & acting in ways of unhealed trauma only causing others more trauma as okay. I spent about 3-5 months “healing” & getting over someone who should have never had access to me form the get go. Now, I can proudly say I have definitely grown & healed lots of my childhood trauma. I know my worth & I stand firmly on my foundation of self love. I have standards now. I love who I've been able to become in such a short amount of time & this girl, standing next to the girl I was at the start of the year doesn't compare. Both equally as beautiful externally, but on the inside one has found her soul, aspirations, & drive & the other was still gaining life experience. I knew I really grew with how I reacted to this 3rd heartbreak. The 2nd one I'll admit shocked me into probably one of the saddest times of my whole life, not even exaggerating. I would cry everyday for weeks, I stopped talking to everyone I knew, & I was destroying my body at the gym sometimes even twice a day. I wasn't eating enough & I was high almost everyday from the morning to night. An incredibly horrible time in my life. But I'm grateful for that experience because eventually I made it out of that hole & I made it out better than ever before. It's why when this 3rd time occurred I knew I would never allow myself to fall back into that dark of a pit of sadness, I knew I would never allow another person have that much power over my life. I also knew I'd be okay eventually because of what I had gone though & I choose that reality of being okay. No matter how I felt on a certain day, one thing's for certain that I'd be okay. So here I am 3ish weeks later so awakened to myself & better than ever. A process that in the past took me over 3 months, down to a couple weeks. That in itself is growth & improvement. It's the realization of what's meant for you will not pass you by. Do not beg or compete for anyone's love no matter how special they are because you are just as special if not more, it's your reality so of course your the best person to exist. A person who loves you shows you & doesn't make you question their love for you. There's no what ifs or maybes because in genuine love there is only certainty & reassurance. Don't allow the idea of someone's potential to keep you strung along when you can tap into your very own potential. & unfortunately they'll just have to catch up when that day comes when they so call “evolve” but don't you dare remain stagnant in your life for that moment to come. Here's the thing too though, if you love someone for who they can become & do decide to stay, you yourself do not understand love. Love isn't “potential”, attachment, control, or obsession. Love is truth, acceptance, & unconditional. Love is pure & blissful, not complicated & confusing. Love is Love. It's why once I understood what love meant to me & how I want to be loved is when I was able to move on without even the desire of turning back. The way I love is pure, straight from my heart so that is the love I will accept. Only the best because I know I am serving the best. I know I show up as my best self & I show love in the best ways I know how & that's authentic & open. So that is the love I demand to receive & if it isn't that than why do I want it. I love myself therefore the monster of “loneliness” won't win here. I love myself so I know there is better out there & my person is out there because clearly they're not for me if they're passing me by. I love myself, so I will only allow a love of my standard & capacity to be accepted in my reality. I don't need to love someone else & I definitely don't lack love in my life, so I no longer fight or allow a bare minimum love in my reality. All that does for me is add burden & baggage on my journey to accomplishing my dreams. Something or someone holding me back in any sort of of way, even emotionally, is not for me. Its like trying to fit a square toy in a triangle hole. It does not fit even if the both are shapes, this is not the right one no matter how many times I try, complain, or question why. The sooner I put the square down & and find my triangle, the sooner the pieces will fit perfectly & effortlessly. Just how I want a love that's for me to fit into my reality.