PurpleThoughtMachine

Random sh*t that made me LOL

[kibumkim]

[homunculus-argument]

Autism is some monkey's paw sort of shit, you've got the power to give people the most devastating rip-your-scalp-off level insults that will haunt them for life, with a completely straight face, but the catch is that you don't do it on purpose and also have no idea that you're doing it at all before people get mad at you for no apparent reason again.

[elodieunderglass]

My mother-in-law: now listen children - the birds will go quiet as the eclipse goes on

The eclipse: (goes on)

The birds: (go quiet)

One (1) Woodpigeon, continuously: HOOOO HOOOOO HOO. HU HOOOOO HU

[doccyuk]

(translated from Wood Pigeon): "You see, children, all the other birds have gone quiet as the eclipse goes on..."

[hemipenal-system]

alchemists getting into incredibly heated arguments over which elements are represented by which colors

[mystical-mew]

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS!? IRON IS FUCKING ORANGE!"

"NO IT'S GRAY!"

[the-haiku-bot]

“HOW MANY TIMES DO

I HAVE TO SAY THIS!? IRON

IS FUCKING ORANGE!”

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[kirbyofthestars]

ACCIDENTALLY LEFT MY MACERATED APPLE SYRUP ON THE STOVE AND IT CARAMELIZED I GUESS?

[kirbyofthestars]

it was super thick and dark and golden and bubbly so i took it off the heat. happy accident.

[kirbyofthestars]

tastes delicious so good. idk what to do with it though

[kirbyofthestars]

thank you for your recommendation! with brief consideration, it has been disregarded.

[thephoneykingofengland]

I was not expecting this like at all 🐜

[segamascott]

[gettingborredofthis]

Pussy*

[segamascott]

balls*

[thephoneykingofengland]

This might be one of the best things I’ve ever seen with my eyes on tumblr

[gothvince]

i talk about transitioning and all anyone ever says is "I hope you don't regret it" what if instead we said I hope you love it. I hope it's everything you ever wanted. I hope you live the rest of your life in utter bliss. etc etc.

[gothvince]

I hope you transition and I hope it's the best thing you ever did and I hope you never look back and I hope you finally feel comfortable in your own skin

[thephoneykingofengland]

@queer-joy-detector 🎉

[slowedplusreverb]

[thephoneykingofengland]

This hurt my feelings

[aromanticduck]

Free service with ads: Well, if I'm not paying for it they have to foot the bill somehow.

Paid service with no ads: Well, if they're not funding it with ad revenue, they need to charge us something.

Paid service with ads: Well that's bullshit.

"We used to be a paid service without ads, but now we're putting ads in it! If you want the ad-free version you have to pay more for preeeeemium": Fuck you fuck you fuck you

[juststarsandthemoon]

Free service with no ads: Okay so these guys are stealing my data

[the-haiku-bot]

Free service with no

ads: Okay so these guys are

stealing my data

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[kosmogrl]

[thephoneykingofengland]

Unless you have ADHD in which case it will be exactly the same except you OOP I SAW A SQUIRREL

[moon-mason]

[madamslayyy]

Got his ass together in three words

[bogleech]

Okay but frog genitalia are internal whereas male rats have among the largest proportionate ballsacks of any animal.

[callmestannismaybe]

[kocalls]

[sawed-on-shotgun]

need a hat that says I WONT SPEAK UNLESS SPOKEN TO AND ITS NOT BECAUSE IM DISINTERESTED AND DONT LIKE YOU I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND SOCIAL INTERACTION AS WELL AS MOST PEOPLE AND ASSUME BY DEFAULT MY PRESENCE IS UNWELCOME AS A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE SO I KEEP TO MYSELF BUT I DONT MIND IF YOU INITIATE so i can wear it to work

[navigatorsnorth]

Phenomenal spare wheel cover I walked past the other day

[thepaisleyelf]

There’s a liquor store near my house that seems to be run exclusively by frat boys. They lovingly curate these bags, which I browsed today while “Oops I Did It Again” played through the store speakers. This is art to me, there is beauty everywhere for those with eyes to see it

[thepaisleyelf]

The update everyone has been waiting for….

[virtualgirladvance]

everytime i see this it makes me want to buy from them exclusively

[release-the-sheep]

just witnessed something devastating

guy on the subway with one ear pierced, little gold hoop. other guy on the subway very quickly and subtly googling "which one is the gay ear". it is not the gay ear. visible disappointment on his face as he puts his phone away.

[basketballhoopshowerhead]

a dude at the gym just reached in his bag, pulled out a bottle of Hershey’s chocolate syrup, smiled & shook his head like that’s just something that happens to people, put it back and then pulled out a bottle of water instead

[thephoneykingofengland]

I don’t know why he put it back in

Drink that shit down and enjoy it king