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YOU ARE THE REASON
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@theshovelestofknights
Should’ve checked whether anyone in my house likes eggs before we got chickens. I have 67 eggs that need eating.
go out and throw them at cop cars
How many cop cars do you think are within walking distance of my house
Once you egg the first, there’s a delivery service for more.
Ah yes, the Grand Theft Auto method
for further reading on why it's not funny but actually pretty heartbreaking to treat seemingly 'queer-adjacent' people or people you perceive queerness in but they haven't stated it Explicitly so you assume they're straight or cis or whatever this medium article by a trans woman who decided she was never going to come out is incredible and heart-wrenching.
Jennifer coates is in fact out now but this insight into what's basically her journal entry from her time being between worlds and being silenced, of having to out yourself to be allowed to voice things you struggle with so deeply is just. it has stuck with me so much
This is something I struggled with for decades and still struggle with since I am not out in public. I effectively have no voice.
me: *suddenly turns really cold* person: whats wrong :/ what happened me: nothin. just thinkin bout that time u hurt me 2 months ago on thursday at 2:36 pm. bye
Horror is a love story.
have you guys ever wondered why there aren’t “shirtless cop calendars” the way they do for firemen? i don’t think it’s the dunkin donuts
my best guess is they don’t want you to see all the swastikas
Pitch: a muppet movie where the muppets play D&D, and it cuts between the muppets around the table and the fantasy being acted out, but instead of it just being the muppets dressed up in D&D fantasy costume, it's celebrity actors but the muppets do the voices, and the actors have to act how those muppets would. Imagine a barbarian played by Jason Mamoa voiced by Miss Piggy.
If u walk into any pub in Britain you will immediately see at least 5 men who look like this
Four, now, may Prince Philip rest in peace.
I’m legitimately wondering if there’s any reason a neovagina has to look especially realistic since it’s not like I’m gonna be seeing it all the time and genitals aren’t super aesthetic anyway so maybe I can get a discount if the doctor doesn’t have to like perfectly craft every fold of the vulva, like it’s not gonna be particularly deep or wide for me anyway, just gimme something that’s works and is easy to clean and knock a few bucks of the price, I’m not asking for Michaelangelo’s labia or anything y'know, I appreciate maybe the doctor won’t give me teeth or tentacles down there but at the same time I’m not going to get into a relationship with someone if they feel like they gotta conduct a 120 point snatchspection just to confirm my cunt meets the fuckability codes, I’m sure as shit not pushing babies out it and there’s no reason to overcomplicate taking a wee, so why not go for something a little more aerodynamic and low rez right?
this is the sort of post that terfs screen capture and go apeshit over
I don’t think Michaelangelo would be good at crafting vaginas anyway
You come in here, on the day of my cousin’s daughter’s aunt’s roommate’s best friend’s wedding, on this day you come to me and be funnier on my own post.
I'm writing my book into a comic script and I legit forgot how funny some characters' dynamics are. Like this girl stole a knife and keeps it concealed on herself at all times just in case she needs to physically defend herself, and the guy she's currently stuck with is 100% aware of it and understands she didn't grow up in surroundings where her bodily autonomy was respected.
And when she finds out he knew about her secret knife all along she is first of all mortified, and second of all deeply confused on why he hasn't said anything or tried to take it away.
And he's just like idk, he's never had any kind of intention to harm her, so why should he be threatened by her need to keep an Emotional Support Stabbing Device.
...But since that's his skinning knife she stole, and he kinda needs it for skinning this rabbit right now, would she be ok with holding his belt knife instead for a while? Like it's cool if she wants to trade back afterwards.
that’s honestly really sweet
what book is this? i want to read it now
100% WANT TO READ THIS BOOK RIGHT NOW that little snippet has me hecking interested!
idea: scene with two characters eagerly stripping each other clearly about to bone, but they keep getting interrupted by finding carefully concealed weapons in each other’s clothing, so they keep just unholstering, revealing and unstrapping increasingly ludicrous amounts of hidden guns and knives as the clothes come off, and it’s lowkey killing the mood a little
Alternatively: it's not killing the mood at all but it's totally making both of them giggle like they're twelve and possibly get lowkey competitive in a subconscious way about who has the most to drop.
The more that I think of it the more I'm seeing the incredible intimacy of letting someone know where you keep your backup knife.
Like my god, the trust involved in letting someone undress you and learn your secrets instead of popping into the bathroom to change where they can't see and hiding all your weapons under the sink
...Oh
second alternative: you go to hide all your weapons under the sink but there’s already a bunch of weapons hidden underneath the sink.
awkward
It’s not that there’s already a bunch of weapons hidden underneath the sink that makes it awkward so much as that there’s so many weapons hidden underneath the sink that they fall out of the cabinet with the unmistakable sound of a knife-alanche, and then the other person comes in like “I can explain!” and you’re just dead-ass standing there with your own armload of weapons like “I can also explain.”
isn’t this the plot to mr. and mrs. smith
just learned that magnolias are so old that they’re pollinated by beetles because they existed before bees
They existed *before beetles*
Why is this sad? Why am I sad?
time is too big
Australian Dr Daniel Reardon ended up in hospital after inserting magnets in his nostrils while building a necklace that warns you when you touch your face
You have to read this one - it keeps getting funnier and funnier as you continue through the story.
- the photo in the link image, where he looks comically grumpy about being photographed, was the one he himself provided
- “he was trying to liven up the boredom of self-isolation with the four powerful neodymium magnets”
- ““I accidentally invented a necklace that buzzes continuously unless you move your hand close to your face,” he said.”
- “Before attending the hospital, Reardon attempted to use pliers to pull them out, but they became magnetised by the magnets inside his nose.”
- ““My partner took me to the hospital that she works in because she wanted all her colleagues to laugh at me.””
I lost it at “Denies further magnets”
I hate it when I’m trying to look up a good golem recipe and the rabbi prefaces it with ten paragraphs about his life in 17th-century Prague. Like, I feel for you, Maharal, but there are anti-semites going unsuplexed while I’m searching for the ingredient list
hot take:
Gloin is the sexiest dwarf by dwarf standards.
Kili is the sexiest dwarf by elf standards.
Thorin is the sexiest dwarf by human standards
& Bombur is the sexiest dwarf by hobbit standards
#ITS TRUE AND YOU SHOULD SAY IT #(ALSO THORIN AND KILI BEING ‘UGLY’ BY DWARF STANDARDS IS AMUSING CONTENT)
further take: Kili is straight-up ugly by dwarf standards. Thorin is like, the dwarf equivalent of Benedict Cumberbatch. Some dwarves think he’s an absolutely dreamboat, others think he is super weird looking, there’s very little middle ground.
omg now i’m like. what does this make frodo by hobbit standards
by hobbit standards, I’m afraid Frodo is probably. not conventionally attractive at all.
Frodo is the sexiest hobbit by elf standards
@femmefaramir this is some fucking galaxy brain level tags and im crying out of sheer horror
Every day, against my will, the LOTR fandom makes posts.
