This general conference would have eaten me from the inside as a 15 year old.
I know that pain. I know that gnawing, spiritual ache. I can only hope and pray to whatever is out there that no one finds themselves in a position where they want to harm themselves because of what they heard this weekend.
I think of Christ, begging his father in prayer to let this cup pass from him, but still putting one foot in front of the other anyway. Healing the servant’s ear though the man had been sent to take him to his eventual death.
I think of myself; the “knowledge” that this cup, humanly impossible standards of perfection and scrupulosity, was my fate, and that I too had to put on a brave face and keep walking- even if I shook with fear. My reward after death was to be salvation and eternal happiness.
I find the connection between the biblical story and my own struggle as an adolescent ironic. My pain was from the supposed word of God: the very father that comforted both Christ and myself in our times of great spiritual anguish. Comforted me sometimes, at least. Other times I was alone, hurting physically for the emotional burden I carried. God’s comfort didn’t come. There must be something more, something wrong. Something about me and my life that was preventing the spiritual relief I begged for. What was I doing wrong, and did I have the courage to forfeit things that brought me joy and stability to purge my life of uncleanliness and sin in pursuit of spiritual peace and salvation?
I am angry and sad. I think of the thousands of people that listened to these messages, annotated them, that journal and ponder and pray about them! This is their truth. For most of them, it will always be their truth, always has been. No matter how it hurts, no matter how much they want to escape this frame of mind and yet double down on and repress their pain. Opposition to the Lord and His anointed is of the devil, after all.
Your very feelings, thoughts, could mean loss of salvation and loss of closeness to divinity. It is always something to do with you. It is never their fault. Always you. Your lack of faith, discipline, integrity. But even they, the men that deliver these messages of perfection and endless surrender to the church, cannot live up to their own standard. The expectations they preach are humanly impossible. And yet it is always your fault. Whatever you do, you will always fall short of the mark.
If it hurts, that’s ok. I give you explicit permission to hurt. It is ok to recognize that you are being harmed by systems and theologies that are fundamentally hurtful. You are not the only one. There is nothing wrong with you. We are only human, and we cannot be everything and more than that. It is ok to have difficult, maybe even conflicting feelings. God, the universe, our ancestors, whoever might be out there is proud of you. You are good. You are doing your best. Keep up the good work, friend. Perfection is impossible. People die every day trying to achieve the inhuman.
I love you and I want you to know that it will be ok. It hurts so badly. I know how it does. And it is always ok to let go of teachings and ideologies that hurt you. God does not want their children to suffer. If it hurts, let it go. Listen to yourself, establish your own moral compass, and you will do fine. There is nothing more admirable than a person who finds their own path on the other side of the barbed wire. Stay as close or stray as far from it as you like. There is so much joy everywhere in life. Go out and find it.
