Speaking to Someone with Clinical Depression: Dos & Don’ts
All of us know someone who has dealt with some form of depressive episodes if not depression/moods disorder as a general condition. A few dos and donts when youspeak to a friend or family member going through depressive phases -
Do -
1. Be open to listening without providing readymade/off-the-shelf solutions. A lot of people who experience depression have heard platitudes and general recommendations thrown their way on a regular basis. What helps a lot more is someone who is willing to listen without reacting or negating the experience.
2. Ask if they need something that can help with day-to-day functioning. Something as simple as a good morning call or a shared meal can make a huge difference to someone's mood.
3. Support them if they need someone to accompany them to a therapy appointment or the ER without questioning too much. It is often hard to articulate even basic information when someone is going through severe depression. Being in the presence of trained and supportive medical/psychiatric/mental health professionals can ease people into communicating their challenges. However, getting there might be a task because a part of feeling depressed is a generalized sense of negativity and hopelessness. Having another person to lean on and find anchoring can enable in a positive way.
4. Check in and recommend speaking to a therapist or a mental health specialist especially if someone is repeatedly referring to suicidal ideation or a compulsion towards self-harm. You can help research available practitioners, hospitals, facilities that can be useful in such a situation.
5. Hold space with empathetic care. Instead of judgment, engage from a place of attention & care. Let them know that what they are experiencing is not a personal flaw or insignificant but a medical condition and they don't need to feel that they have to feel ashamed or stigmatized about it. Intervene when someone else tries to make them feel small or insignificant. Shut down negative conversations others might have around them.
Dont
1. Offer medical or mental health "solutions" if you are not a qualified professional. Irrespective of your intentions, your desire to play an activist et al, at the end of the day, unless you are trained in the field of mental health/behavioural medicine/psychiatry/counseling/psychotherapy, it is extremely dangerous to offer cobbled-up remedies that might worsen the situation.
2. Minimize their experience and struggle by generalizing it. Avoid such demeaning statements as "Why are you unhappy when everything seems to be working well for you?", "Stop being sad. Cheer up!", "It is all in your head only!" - These are incredibly hurtful for someone who has little to no control about how severe their depressive phases might get. The person then might recede further instead of actively seeking help or speaking to someone about their challenges.
3. Compare your struggles with theirs in such a way that puts them down. It is demoralizing for a person going through depression to constantly hear how "everyone" is "unhappy". This is not a universal fact and highly exaggerated, moreover while it is true that we all deal with our own struggles individually, certain illnesses including depression are highly specific and affect those who experience it deeply.
4. Make jokes that are truly in poor taste. Be cautious when you start using rough and punch-down humor to speak about serious topics like suicide or abuse that could be triggers and stressors for someone who is depressed. Humor when used with mindful intent can help lift us up but when we use someone who is suffering as a punching bag, it can have a disastrous impact.
5. Ask intrusive questions or make their condition a subject of gossip. Do not share any information that they release to you without their consent. Certainly don't put it up on social media in a fit of self promotion. It is incredibly unethical to speak about someone else's trauma publicly. It is not your place and it reduces the arc of their personal narrative, struggles and survival.
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