@thevoldemortician - Tumblr Blog

The tea is that when George RR Martin includes the rape of a 13 year old girl and Pat Rothfuss writes 100+ pages of boring fairy sex it’s “just sex” and they still get considered part of the serious fantasy canon, but when a female fantasy author does it suddenly it’s “gratuitous smut” and their books can never be considered Serious Fantasy Literature™️ because they wrote about female orgasms and powerful women finding love, and their readers are derided for enjoying the sex scenes and wanting the romance because only Stupid Silly Women™️ care about these things and besides, haven’t you heard that the only accepted literary sex is unhealthy sex that is Painful But Somehow Still Hot™️ because the only valid, serious type of relationship involves a man abusing a woman for the delectation of a male audience!!

aelin-godkiller

this post is still relevant and the tea is still piping

officialweatherwax

If the male hero gets the girl, it’s a typical fantasy novel. If the female hero gets the guy, it belongs in the romance section.

pietriarchy

asexualgeorgecostanza-deactivat

joey-wheeler-official

piss-bong

canopycapers-deactivated2022111

schmendrick-lamar-deactivated20

journeymanfool

dowereallyneedthis

favoritefightingfrenchgoth

disorderfaking-deactivated20200

dicaeopolis

Fuck all romance except whatever the fuck that lil cowboy and roman guy from night at the museum had going on

dicaeopolis

this is what i want

notmusa

please, its 2:30 am, please stop

notmusa

scumbagsblog

Every time I see this I’m not sure if its fandom content or just a summary of what being piss drunk with your best friend is like but either way it’s Perfect

catchymemes

glitterghosts

Jennifer’s Body (dir. Karyn Kusama)

onceiwashere

i cant believe its daylight savings time and i havent seen the “hello its me your cousin oskaar from iceland” video on my dash yet you are all slackers

onceiwashere

i guess i have to do all the work around here dont i

beaft

i’ve put on the first harry potter movie to keep me company while i draw, and can i just say: the way that harry+co immediately jump to suspecting snape of Nefarious Evildoings simply because he’s kind of a dick will never not be funny to me. they don’t even know he used to be a death eater at this point. they know literally NOTHING about him they’re just like “well he was mean to me in class the other day, so he’s probably a spy for voldemort” “yeah that seems legit. let’s set him on fire”

beaft

my other take-away from this rewatch is that hogwarts library apparently has a restricted section to ~Protect The Children~ and it’s full of like, all the books that are too edgy or too crammed with Arcane Knowledge and you need a fucking permission slip to go in there? what the fuck. i tell you if i went to wizard school i would be in the restricted section every fucking night and if they punished me i simply would not care. expulsion for a good cause

beaft

while i’m at it: do we ever get any explanation for why the staircases move, or is it purely to create an atmosphere of irrational, random terror?

beaft

you know what, i’m on a roll now, and i’m going to address the elephant in the room: the entire plot of the first book was clearly a calculated ploy by dumbledore, designed to test harry’s suitability as future Saviour of the Wizarding World. like… we all know this, right? i’m not going out on a limb here, am i? let’s look at the facts.

step one: bring an artefact capable of bestowing immortality to school, fully aware that this artefact is being coveted by an evil wizard

step two: hire shady guy to work at school, who may or may not be concealing said evil wizard underneath his turban

step three: set up series of puzzles with a difficulty level appropriate to, say, three eleven-year-old students, and put the artefact right in the middle. sit back. twiddle thumbs. get out popcorn.

step four: when all’s said and done, destroy artefact as planned and use this sequence of events as an excuse to award many, many points to own house, thereby winning House Cup and pulling a “haha gotcha!” on all the other houses, which you don’t particularly care about

step five: profit

beaft

i’d also like to point out that quidditch is the most ridiculous game ever invented and makes absolutely no sense. harry potter: a fun series, and a great example of how not to do worldbuilding.

beaft

HOW COULD I FORGET TO MENTION the immortal moment of

quirrell: troll! troll in the dungeons!

dumbledore: this is a very serious matter. all students must return to their dormitories at once

slytherins: but professor…. our dormitories are in the dungeons

dumbledore:

ohbellamy

#iconic

felderwin

my favorite thing i’ve learned in college is that way back in ancient china there was this poet/philosopher guy who wrote this whole pretentious poem about how enlightened he was that was like “the eight winds cannot move me” blahblahblah and he was really proud of it so he sent it to his friend who lived across the lake and then his friend sends it back and just writes “FART” (or the ancient Chinese equivalent) on it and he was SO MAD he travels across the lake to chew his friend out and when he gets there his friend says “wow. the eight winds cannot move you, but one fart sends you across the lake”

agnesmontague

i googled this bc i desperately wanted this to be real, and guess what…it is.

the dude’s name was su dongpo (also known as su shi). his original poem went like this:

稽首天中天，

毫光照大千，

八風吹不動，

端坐紫金蓮

(Humbly bowed my head below all skies Minutest lights shine through my deepest bounds Immovable by strong winds from eight sides Upon purplish gold lotus I seated straightly by the low mound) (x)

on which his friend wrote “放屁” (fart, literally), and you know the rest.

(here’s a chinese source for the skeptics)

aeorys-deactivated20260131

this is even funnier because just writing “fart” out of the blue sounds really stupid and random in english, but in chinese, fart (fang pi) is used as a common reply to, well, people talking out of their ass. kind of like how we’d use “bullshit” in context.