“Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose it’s meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.”
Profound, in its own special way; I’ve found myself in a shallow pit of darkness lately. It’s strange sitting here, and watching everything happen around me. I don’t allow it to touch me, but it does take something away from me. The eyes that still shine brightly have intensity behind them now. It will waft away at some point, like a breeze through the leaves of a tree subtle and calm. Until then, however, I don’t know what will happen under this shell. A cold war.
“We have a choice about how we take what happens to us in our life and whether or not we allow it to turn us. We can become consumed by hate and darkness, or we're able to regain our humanity somehow, or come to terms with things and learn something about ourselves.”
-Angelina Jolie
I think it is paramount, almost fundamental, to sit in the darkness for a bit. Just sit there for a little while, because you don’t want to be consumed by it. I never really think about people that would miss me if I shrewdly tucked myself into a corner with my little black cloud for a day or two. My better friends understand the meaning of this absence, while my other friends, less aware, will throw stones to capture my attention. The only problem with casting those stones is that you draw my stare, and when my eyes don’t have any light in them, you won’t get the best version of me.
I only have an appreciation for this because I know what it means to be the person casting the stones. I was little worse for where and didn’t know the difference between being the problem, and being the solution. Guess what? I wasn’t the solution any more than I was the problem. It had nothing to do with me!
People are so inclined to take offense, or take things personally. Everything has to be about something relevant and obvious. There is no obscurity in emotions anymore. We create any thing we want, and then manifest it into existence.
No wonder people don’t believe in magic anymore…
We all go through things. We have our emotions, and we shouldn’t allow others to dictate them, but we also shouldn’t self-indulge or enable ourselves to be the victim either. There is a difference between being accountable, taking some time to recover, and being willfully ignorant, and consistently looking for false praise.
Feelings are very real. Going after something you want is also very real. The things that aren’t real are the motives behind all these things. If you have to ask yourself, “Does this feel right?” your intentions, likely, are not pure. I’ve carried a cross around for years, and I’ve hurt people with the weight that it brought. I’ve recently abdicated this unnecessary burden, and no longer feel responsible for anyone else’s emotions other than my own. That’s not supposed to sound incredibly callous. In fact, I have a natural gift of understanding, and care to nurture when I can. I try not to do it too much, but generally, if my friends/family need me, I’m there.
This is turning into a terribly random stream of consciousness… I haven’t done this a while…
“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”
That may be my one greatest attribute, or my greatest weakness; hope. It’s the strongest, and possibly most dangerous, drug there is. Every minute of every hour of every day, we all hope for something. We hope for prosperity, health, happiness, and love. We hope for others to heal faster, we hope for loved ones to return home safely, we hope for a safe trip halfway across the world, or even just down the street. It’s picking yourself up after all the hope you may have very strongly placed into something lets you down, and knocks the wind out of you.
Notice how I said “something,” and not “someone”?
You can’t hope on someone. You can’t control people, and betting on them means you have some level of expectation. You can easily reduce more than half of your life’s disappointment if you stop having expectations of others NOW. It isn’t because they’re bad people, but you may never know when something is going to change the game. Energy shifts and changes all the time. Think about water; there are no two drops that are the same. Energy is dynamic and wonderfully chaotic, ever changing, and giving us opportunity after opportunity to make different choices. Humans will always continue to make choices based on their circumstances, and more often than not, they will be selfish, because they have to be.
“If someone decides they're not going to be happy, it's not your problem. You don't have to spend your time and energy trying to cheer up someone who has already decided to stay in a bad mood. Believe it or not, you can actually hurt people by playing into their self-pity.”
-Joyce Meyer
I feel like I should have placed that quote earlier… but, whatever! It still works.
I think in spite of the disappointment it brings, I will continue to hope, and I will be less disappointed because I will have no expectation. Life is changing for me. Soon, I will be out of the city, and meet different people in different states, and different cities. I’m so excited to become more cultured, more centered, and more balanced. And, if there was anything meant for me here, I will return to it. The excitement of life is believing in something greater, and the fact that it’s just waiting for you, waiting to be discovered.
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