it took me 23 years to reach peace with the anatomy i was born with. a lot of things still suck about being me, im not going to lie, and i say this cause i'd rather paint something realistic than rosy here. as a teen, i wasn't hugely comfortable with myself and though not entirely sure of the reason why, i would've preferred being born as a guy. life would just be simpler. eventually down the line, i realized women were really more than just pretty and that men were yikes. this was when i was 17ish. i didn't like anyone, but i knew.
I also knew that I was more comfortable in masculine roles than feminine. Perhaps I even looked down upon how women in my surroundings would be so much stronger and better than men but clearly underappreciated due to daunting and unfair societal standards that also massively distorted these women's way of thinking into thinking they were weaker and dependent though they were sole breadwinners. Also why I've hated and avoided cooking for my entire life so far until last two years.
It clicked me this year, and I don't remember what triggered it, that I wanted to be a guy my entire life while i hated men to begin with. I understand that perhaps I hated their personalities, the self-entitlement, the chauvinistic attitudes, and the endless list of things that's wrong with how men think. I'm sure it was the thought process. But, the fact that I was mentally more comfortable as a guy made me realize I was trying to walk towards something that the society framed for everyone else. The idea of men, the privileges of being a man, and the freedom thereof- all because of what rules and standards the society created. Perhaps that's what I wanted. Perhaps what I wanted was to not be told to be a girl and accommodate at all times, and to be allowed to exist as an existence who was free to be as it wanted and do what it liked. Perhaps it's equality that seemed unachievable to me as a kid. But society is nothing but people, and people can change. And if not society in its entirety, how the society thinks is something that can be changed, developed, and evolved. All this aside from the body dysmorphia.
Again, I am not sure about my thought process from back then, but I'm concluding things from bits and pieces that I recall and the foundations in my mind right now. Anyhow, this realization that clicked me this year made me somewhat more comfortable with being... the way I am. I am still not comfortable enough to declare myself one. (pls get a hint) No, I'm not ashamed, I'm just waiting to embrace myself more with time, to grow more comfortable.
Some months later, while I was complimenting a friend of mine on how hardworking they are, I figured that I was working hard everyday too. So I deserved appreciation too, from my own self. Though not fully related, I realized that maybe I am a little deserving of the appreciation I direct towards other women because I am making it through everyday. So that's another thing that made me appreciate myself a little more. Yeah, I don't feel great about myself because of a lot of things, but this made me feel comfortable with my own existence at least. So, that's progress, I guess!
Maybe I'd still feel more comfortable as a guy, but I'm willing to challenge my thoughts and see where I go with that. It's given that being a guy wouldn't change how I think and I'd still deeply appreciate and respect women from the bottom of my heart, so it's not about the 'privilege' or whatever that comes with being a man.
This was one of the pivotal realizations I've had this year.
Hope this helps someone understand and embrace themselves some more.
