Tiffsuresque.Poetry

Spoken Word Poetry, in the written form

[tiffsuresque-poetry]

I Am Enough

Not smart enough to be a doctor.

Not kind enough to be a nurse.

Not strong enough to be a police officer.

Not brave enough to be a firefighter.

Not talented enough to be a singer.

Not pretty enough to be a model.

Not confident enough to be an actress, ha, they wonder why.

I was a child.

Not smart enough then but I am smart enough now to realise how wrong they were.

Kind enough to forgive myself for believeing them for so long.

Strong enough to remember those words and brave enough to do it anyway.

My voice will not be silenced by their opinions.

My definition of my beauty is my choice.

My confidence will not waiver.

I am enough.

I will wrap my own cast.

I will be a good nurse.

I will police my own thoughts.

I will fight my own fires.

I will sing my own songs.

I will take my own pictures.

I will not need to act anymore.

I am enough.

I am smart.

I am kind.

I am strong.

I am brave.

I am talented.

I am pretty.

I am confident.

I Am Enough.

[tiffsuresque-poetry]

Your Garden

So you’re standing there in a garden riddled with prickles, you try to grab the thorns to clear them out and wonder why your blood comes out, like tiny trickles, you see it was all a facade, a fake look, a lil trick you never expected to see. Those thorns look like the rest of the roses, they’re wilted but that just means they need a little extra care right? Bit more blood and a few more tears. Work all day and work through the night. Never really noticing that all they ever did was hurt you, until one day you bled a little too much and cried a little too hard but such is life in the Garden of God when the devils weeds come through. You see these roses disguised as friends riddle your garden of life, looking like the other roses except these ones suck life out of you little by little and the others speak life into you abundantly. Your roses are your friends, your roses are your family, your roses are your hobbies, your roses are the happy things, your roses are the memories that make you smile. God is the biggest rose there, the first rose planted and heck yeh will He be there for a while. You see it’s a little bit like Jesus on the cross. He wore a crown of thorns. People saw his sweat and tears and blood as the life was sucked out of him, the devil had won, the devil had come but God is a good God. He is a loving God. So Jesus was risen and the devil was overcome by the Lord and Son. As for your garden you have let the devil in, you allowed people of sin to win and let the devils words into your life. That’s okay, God sees your heart and is telling you to let Him in. Let him see your garden and weed the devil out. He is like the glove we all need. You go into your garden to get rid of unfruitful seeds without God and your faith will be hurt, your spirit will be fooled, your heart will be left there bleeding. Go into your garden with God and your faith will be stirred, your spirit will be restored and your heart will be left there in the form of a new seedling. He will rebuke the devils weed and secure your roses. He will subdue your thoughts and mature your heart. He was always there, from the very start, He has waited this long for you to reach out and ask, God help me with these roses, God they look like friends but act like rotten seeds. Remove them from my life, help me restart. He will. You have been chosen. You have talent with no ends and I can’t see you do anything except succeed. As soon as you take the bad seed down the river, and lay them on the rocks, you will be freed from their burdens. You don’t have to get rid of them completely, only put them far enough out of your way so they don’t block Gods love. Open the curtains of your soul and let God’s Son live within you, it makes the devil feel a little uneasy. Satan can’t live in the light, let God remove His weeds and your roses will shine brightly. Your garden was made to be perfect in Gods image, not broken at the devils delight. Jesus saw you, the devil seized you, God freed you. It’s just another step on your way to heaven, it’s just another rough few seasons, no need to let other people deaden your leafs and destroy your roses for their own selfish reasons. You are loved, your garden will flourish, God sees your heart, it’s just up to you to keep it nourished. Read His word and spread your testimony, cherish your roses and be strong, don’t be afraid to ask Him to weed the bad out of your life or ask your friends rise you up. We are here to give you life, we are here to encourage and love, we are here to walk with you in your walk with God.

[tiffsuresque-poetry]

Thank You (Unfinished)

I tell people not to thank me because I don't deserve it. Thank You is a polite expression used when acknowledging a gift, service, or compliment. My help isn't a gift to you, its a gift from you. My kindness is about being a good person, its more than just a service. My willingness to do whatever you ask is a compliment to my skills because when I'm asked to help thats a thank you in itself, you've chosen me to help when you could have asked someone else. Don't use words to express your gratitude for there is no reason to be gracious, I don't want praise or recognition, I'm just trying to be a good person. I appreciate the thought but really read what I'm saying. Thanking is appreciating what you're being given, so I appreciate the life I'm living by giving to others.

[tiffsuresque-poetry]

Flawed System

We're told to chase our dreams but we don't get to follow them unless they abide by the rules of our culture. You have to graduate first and go to university because that's how you'll get to where you want to be, Education is the key. But what if being a year 10 drop out to follow that dream of being on TV is what I need? What if ditching school in my final year to follow that apprenticeship is what I have to do to succeed? In Australia and other countries it's frowned upon because the idea of not being highly educated makes some people think of those people as stupid. In reality I know a genius kid in VCAL that just prefers to hit a drum. I know a kid who can write straight A essays and fix any math problem, without a calculator mind you, but decided to drop out and start up her own hair salon. That's not stupid kids, that's a stupid system. If I find a path to my dreams that doesn't follow what the government deems appropriate then I'm stuck in school till I graduate learning stuff I don't need to get to where I want to be. How will learning about Greek mythology help me in photography? Thankfully you can drop math at the start of VCE or my grades would drop to below C's because learning how to find x, y or z doesn't help me in photography. The thing is, I don't need to graduate to get where I want to be. I have had pathways to my dreams open to me that have now closed because of the systems screwed up mentality. I have had chances to take photos with a big company, but I couldn't because it was 'during school hours.' Well in my opinion school isn't the only place you learn things you need to get where you want to be. I have learnt more about photo editing when doing it myself at home with no teacher to ask for help than I have in the classroom itself, now don't get me wrong, listen to what I'm actually saying. I don't mean my teachers haven't taught me anything, I'm pointing out that they aren't the only people who can teach me the things I need. What I'm trying to say is that sometimes doing it yourself is better. I'm saying that maybe sometimes finding solutions on your own takes longer but you learn more. I'm saying that sometimes what we're told we need isn't always what we really do need to succeed. I'm saying that when we know what we want to do, and we know how to get there, even if isn't how we're told to do it, we should be allowed to do it anyway. What I'm trying to say is that for some kids, finishing school IS the back up plan and I know its not the traditional way, but it's 2017 so it's time we start seeing that as okay.

[tiffsuresque-poetry]

Better Off Without Me

They say they want me gone when I graduate so they can do better things, They say they'll kick me out when I graduate so they can buy better stuff, They say they'll get rid of me when I graduate so they can live better lives, They will be better off without me, they're just waiting for me to be gone, for them to kick me out, to get rid of me. What if I got rid of myself. It would be better for them. They can do better things, without me. No extra person to pay for, no extra mouth to feed, they can buy better things, without me. Sell my stuff, go on an extravagant holiday they've always wanted, they can live better lives, without me. No more fights that leave holes in our hearts, no more arguing that leave our heads throbbing, no more stress, all would be better without me. They blame me for fighting with my sisters, claiming my words hurt them like bullets through the chest, they don't understand that their words makes me want to put bullets through my head. They don't want me. They can do better things, buy better stuff and live better lives without me. They blame me for the arguments in our family, stating that my actions tell them that I only care about myself, they don't think about their actions telling me that they don't care about anyone else but themselves. They don't care. They can do better things, buy better stuff and live better lives without me. They blame me for all of my mum's stress, saying that my words cause so much strain it will kill her some day, they don't understand that hearing that makes me want to put myself into an early grave. They don't love me. They can do better things, buy better stuff and live better lives without me. If I were gone, their lives would change forever. They would be happier, mum would live longer. What do I have to lose? Life has swept my friends away from me, no time for late night phone calls, no space in the schedule for driving anywhere we want all day, no room for a goodnight text between work and bed. Life has flown away with my happiness, no time for instruments or sports, no space in my desk for paints and palettes, no room for a book between school and bed. There's nothing left. My family doesn't love me, my friends have forgotten about me and my happiness is taken over by homework and school. They would all be better off without me. I'm the part of the equation that no one wants to solve, the part that they leave till they have no choice but to deal with it or get rid of me and they have chosen the latter. I'm the last piece of fruit that no one wants to eat, the fruit that's so bruised and gone gross, forgotten about at the back of the shelf left to be thrown out. I'm the mistake on a test that someone forgot to erase, the mistake that was left there to be the one bad mark on a otherwise perfect paper that everyone tries to get rid of. I'm the washing forgotten to be taken out, dishes not yet put away, trash bag sitting around stinking up the house, wasted food left out over night to go bad, I'm the broken glass on the floor that wasn't cleaned up properly and is still hurting people months after the break. Just a forgotten task, something no one wants to deal with, just doing nothing in the corner,  something that turned bad, just pure brokenness damaging everyone that touches me. I have been trying so hard but I'm sorry I couldn't do better. I didn't mean to but I'm sorry that your money was wasted on me instead of something better I tried really hard but I'm sorry I didn't make your life better. Most of all I'm sorry for knowing all this, but not leaving sooner. 

[tiffsuresque-poetry]

Bed Time Thoughts (Unfinished)

Demons don't look the same They come in all shapes and sizes Tall ones or small ones they all cause pain But sometimes pain can be mistaken for other things If you don't know any different it can feel the same as love But it's hard to learn how to love the right way when you were taught that love hurts Emotionally love felt like torture Physically love left torn skirts Mentally I have been scared too many times to be healed Too many times my screams were drowned out by their laughter To this day I cry myself to sleep Most nights I replay the images till the sun starts to peak To this day you can see the stains of desperation on the walls In my head the pictures are so loud you can almost hear their taunts and calls Burned into my mind, the backs of my eyes I can never forget their faces I think I see them in the street and my heart races. Some nights I relive their hands reaching up my legs, thighs I cant do anything but cry I can never forget the pain It'd not anything words can explain Too much to process I try to think about the progress I have made At least my tears no longer hit the pages of my future I have learned that they didn't love me They couldn't have loved me. Love isn't supposed to leave bruised skin or broken things Love is supposed to heal scars, not create them Love is not pain But like the pain I felt love can not be explained They're not words or feelings Yes you can feel them but you can't just say them and mean the Its how you show them, through thoughts and actions It's why you do things

[tiffsuresque-poetry]

School

I was only weeks into grade one Getting pushed and shoved, Being the smallest I was a target, Little did I know this is where it started. The comments that were made I disregarded, I loved them all, I was big hearted, We hugged each other goodbye as we departed, What do you mean I need to be guarded? Grade two came around and they bought their sister, She was a little bit quicker, Stole my lunch and left with a snicker. I was picked up one day, I thought it was just another part of play, Until I was dropped in the bin, I didn’t know hell was about to begin, Could it have been a mistake? Grade three went by in a flash, Bins became my playground, My classroom not even a good hiding place, Not bothering the teachers I was glad they weren’t on any other kids case. I learned shortcuts to take when I was in chase, Not fast enough to win the race, Why couldn’t we just work it out face-to-face? Grade four was fairly slow, I ended up in a hand brace, First year I was really hit by someone, It hurt so much, it felt like a tonne, Everyday I tried to outrun my attackers But they turned into everyone, I didn’t let them hurt anyone else, I’d rather it be me than them, At least I got my desired outcome? Grade five was the worst I was thrown around like a ball, Less to give, bigger bins, I brought home bruised ribs and swollen eyelids, Telling anyone, the group forbids, The garbage was dirty, I was compared to pigs, Alls I wanted was to get away from those kids Grade six was worse than the last, This was the year I learned to protect the most sensitive parts, Using my body to shield, Making sure my face was concealed, I screamed, I yield, pleading with them, Everywhere was a battlefield But never have I revealed, Maybe life would have been better if I was killed. Barely even started year seven, I became the first target, I thought this was over, anywhere else I would have been fined for indecent exposure, I was treated like an animal in an enclosure, No friends , rarely fed, battered and bruised, Teachers as witnessed but nothing improved, I was scared, frightened and confused, If I ate quick, sometimes I got some food, Now I know what you mean by I needed to be guarded. Year eight I finally told the teachers, Until they started on the other kids I told them to stop, being forceful and blunt, Back on the battlefront, They were impressed by this stunt, Alone on the forefront, I was hit with the brunt, Foolish I was to think that this was a mistake. Year nine I just let them hit me, Maybe they'd get it all out I figured they can only go on for so long, Eventually my friends started to play along, They were just never taught right from wrong, Only how to be headstrong, Being the underdog, it's where I belong, Maybe one day I'll be inspired, and write a song Why didn't we just work it out face-to face? Year ten I moved schools, It was the best decision I ever made No more blood or tears, The next 3 were going to be peaceful years, I could give my money to cashiers, I ate my lunch without any fears I have finally reached my true desired outcome Year eleven was one of my favourites, I will always remember my friends VCE had begun, I didn't pay attention to how much work had to be done, For my homework I was overrun, So I just pretended I had none, I was so ready to have some fun, I didn't know I was starting to worry everyone I had finally gotten away from those rotten kids I'm in year 12, with friends by my side, this will be the best year I need to buckle down and pay attention, No more asking on the day for an extension No more missing school because of the tension, Now's also the time to mention if I have a question, Accepting that if I don't do work I'll get detention, That failing me isn't their intention Life is better now, I'm happy I wasn't killed  

[tiffsuresque-poetry]

First Encounter

I look at the preacher wide eyed Jaw dropped in awe He gets me out of the crowd And says, I see your hungry for the lord He tells me I care for my friends and my family. We stare into each others eyes He tells me I am powerful, That I have great things in my future He taps me on the head. My body collapses, mind transcends. My senses are gone, My body and mind withdrawn All at once I am full. I sense you god, But I can not hear you You're deep in my soul, But the voice is mine Where are you? I awaken My jaw wide open, Eyes darting, Mind out of control I cry I don't know why You say nothing, Yet I feel everything. My sins are being wept away, A stream of tears down my face I can feel you call out my name, I sense I am not the one to blame For my sins, god forgives me For my past, god accepts me For my future, god has plans in the making just for me,

[tiffsuresque-poetry]

Unnamed (Unfinished)

There is more to rape than a victim and their sob story My rape is not rape to attorneys or lawyers or judges But they still have so many questions Did you say no? Because he would actually listen to me How forceful were you? Because using force can stop a man triple my age, size and height Did he apologise? Because his apology would justify what he did Are you sure thats what happened? Because they don't know I re-live it every night in my nightmares The answers are clear but the jury is still not sure who to believe The single guy with 2 kids and family provider Or the 6 year old girl who cried rape The judge calls for a recess The abuser, just chuckles in his chair The girl, cries in hers

[tiffsuresque-poetry]

Age Is Just Numbers (Unfinished)

8, I discovered that no matter how many smiles flashed my way, I could never really see past the grey 9, I figured out that there was more to a girl than what's skin deep, I could never really do more than weep 10, I realized that I had no choice, I could never really say anything as he took away my voice 11, I discovered that there was more to touch than just hands, I could never really do more than just follow the plans 12, I figured out that I was just a rag doll in his game of house, I could never really do anything but help unbutton my blouse 13, I realized that no matter how deep anyone else tries to dig, There is nothing left than the remains of a dirty pig.

[tiffsuresque-poetry]

My Mental Illnesses (Unfinished)

Anxiety is like being strangled in an empty room You try to find the cause But the more you think the dizzier you feel The lack of air causing your brain to shut down You grab at your neck Hoping that the hands of your emotions will one day let go

Depression is like being pulled into a black hole You try to steer away from it But the world around you just disappears The darkness surrounding you almost feels like home You try to find a switch to flick Hoping that the light of the life you left behind will lead you back

Eating Disorders are like being in a job that slowly kills you You try to quit But the addiction and 24/7 addition just doesn't stop The apple in your hand is now forever seen as an hour of push ups You hold your stomach Hoping that the noise it makes as it rumbles won't make you feel so alone

Insomnia is like being forced onto a tightrope You try to stop walking But the thoughts in your head just keep you going The thin string is your life line you can't let go You try to climb down Hoping that the thing at the end of the track won't be so black

[tiffsuresque-poetry]

School (Unfinished)

There's 3 types of school relationships Acquaintances Friends and Friendships Those last two may sound the same, in fact for a little while they are. I always felt so alone through my schooling, even though I always hung out with friends, Was constantly saying Hi to acquaintances as we passed in the halls But I was still always so lonely, Until I realised slowly That friends aren't friends to be friends, they're there to keep up a front of belonging but the thing is Its okay to not have friends Because it's the friendships that matter The friendships that last without constant chatter Are the ones that won't crash and splatter The second an issue comes along Because they're the ones that last forever You'll graduate next to all three You say goodbyes to your acquaintances on your last school day Lose touch with your friends before your next b-day but your friendships are the ones that will always stay in your heart be by your side and play important pieces to the puzzle in your mind.

[tiffsuresque-poetry]

My Harry Potter Story

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good My mood is like an ever changing Animagus It's like one day I'm a fly trapped in a spiders web and the next I'm the spider My mind is like a game of Quidditch I'm Lee Jordan My thoughts are like Slytherin Playing a fatal game against My heart of Gryffindor My body is like a wand Un-natural forces break me in two as though I am nothing but a twig Nothing but the strings of my core hold me together My past is like the shrieking shack The paint is peeling off the walls from years of wear, The furniture is in pieces thrown across the room from untold frustration Stains on the floor from parts of me that slipped out when they shouldn't have My future is like the Room of Requirement I can't control when or what happens until it appears when I need it the most And I can never guarantee it will be the same the next time I open the doors. All I can do is walk through and see what awaits me. Mischief Managed

[tiffsuresque-poetry]

I Was

I was 7 when I learnt how to keep a secret What he did with me on 'walks' Aren't things I tell other people What he did with me when we 'watched a movie' Aren't things I show other people What he did with me when the others went out Are all things I have always wanted to keep hidden.

I was 8 when I realized that fists hurt What he did behind closed doors Aren't things I could have run away from What he did when the curtains were drawn Aren't things I could have hid from What he did when he eventually found me Are all things I have always wanted to keep hidden.

I was 9 when I learnt what pain really was What he made a ache Aren't things that should have been aching What he did when he entered my room at night Aren't things that happened to any of my sisters What he did that made me wipe away my silent tears with the hidden tissues under my bed Are all things I have always wanted to keep hidden.

I was 10 when I realized that no meant more What he did when I pleaded on my hands and knees Aren't things I should have been having to beg for What he did whilst screamed out in pain Aren't things he should have had to silence What he did whilst I just lay there Are all things I have always wanted to keep hidden.

I was 11 when I learnt that I shouldn't have kept secrets What he did when I was 7 Aren't things that any 7 year old should have gone through What he did during movie time Aren't things that were supposed to be included What he did that made me unable to watch movies alone Are all things I have always wanted to keep hidden.

I was 12 when I realized that fists shouldn't have hurt What he did when I was 8 Aren't things anyone should have kept to them selves What he did at night Aren't things that should have made me terrified of the dark What he did that made me want to have a lock on my door Are all things I have always wanted to keep hidden.

I was 13 when I learnt that I shouldn't have known pain that young What he did when i was 9 Aren't things I should have known like clockwork What he touched in the shadows Aren't things that were supposed to be touched at all What he did that made me terrified to love someone Are all things I have always wanted to keep hidden.

I was 14 when I realized that no should have really meant no What he did when I was 10 Aren't thinks kids my age begged for What he did when I screamed Aren't things I completely understood What he did that made my voice tremble Are all things I have always wanted to keep hidden.

Until Now. I am 15 and I have finally learnt that keeping secrets that hurt you is bad I have finally realized that i'm allowed to strike back if they strike first I have finally learnt that pain is not something you're supposed to expect I have finally realized that I can say NO and actually mean it.

[tiffsuresque-poetry]

Monsters (3/3)

My brain is the dark My thoughts are the monsters But I'm just a kid I don't wanna make a move No one's coming in to turn on the light Looks like this one is my fight You try to break my walls But there stacked real high And packed real tight Too much to see the light I'm not a poem gone wrong Or another sad love song I'm not a record stuck on repeat Or another thing someone forgot to delete I'm a human with depression Waiting for my oppression to break me Because its seems like no one wants to save me I'm a lonely teenage girl Waiting for the next time she's has too hurl Because even though she hasn't eaten in days Her anxiety gets the upper hand And in a vicious concoction containing one part pills One part cutting Death ends up knocking on her door She whispers goodbye And falls to the floor

[tiffsuresque-poetry]

My Mind (2/3)

The only reason I push you away Is to keep my thoughts at bay My walls are so hard to climb Cause I don't want you to know what's on the inside I pack my thoughts away like a bullet in a gun Little do you know I'm like a ticking time bomb Waiting to explode My thoughts will implode But not today Every day I act thinking it will be alright Makings sure the boxes in my mind are packed airtight Nothings getting in But nothings getting out

[tiffsuresque-poetry]

Us (1/3)

I'm your lungs fighting for air But we both know it's not that rare I'm your stomach growling for food But we both know you're not hungry I'm that sense of loneliness But we both know you're the one who pushes everyone away I'm the darkness at the end of the tunnel And we both know it won't change Because You may be the suspenseful ups But we both know the I'm the down that will be there soon You may be the fire that lights the candle But we both know I'll eventually blow it out You may be the one who holds the blade But we both know I'm the one that cuts You may be the one to tie the knot But we both know I'm the one that jumps I am You We are Depression