What civil unions mean to us
Anglo-Italian gay couple Tom York and Alberto Milazzo talk about Italy’s same-sex marriage bill
7 March 2016 | by Tom York
I’m Tom York, a journalist and PR from London who, once upon a time, happened to strike up a conversation with a curious Italian, who was basking on a sunbed beside mine on a beach in Mykonos.
Four years on, I’m still having curious conversations with the same guy, who turned out to be the published Italian novelist and political commentator Alberto Milazzo, the man who stole my heart during a holiday romance.
Alberto and I now live together in Milan and wanted to share with you what it’s like being an Anglo-Italian gay couple in Italy today.
Here we chat about the same-sex civil unions bill, currently under debate in the Italian parliament.
Tom: The ‘Wake up Italy! It's time to be civil’ demonstration was the first gay rights protest we’ve been to together. I remember the atmosphere was really charged and enthusiastic but, more than anything else, there was a real sense of togetherness and a feeling that we were finally on cusp of achieving legal equality.
But the following week when I read about the ‘Family Day’ demonstration against gay unions, I was horrified to discover that there are still so many people in Italy who are afraid of equality. Why do you think this is?
Alberto: Somehow, it has to do with the deepest identity of this country. We are not a united people, the foundation of our national state was more an event imposed from above than a real desire of the people. Italians, in many ways, are still fragmented in small regional or even local groups, in which the identity is defined by belonging to a territory. In this scenario, as you don’t feel part of something bigger and public, the guidelines are dictated by the ‘family’ and the ‘religion’ that you belong to. So, attacking ‘family’ and ‘religion’ in Italy is perceived just the same as attacking the government. They are like invisible pillars that hold up Italian society.
Tom: I just don’t buy it. We’re living in the 21st Century. The second demonstration we went to in Piazza Duomo, #TempoScaduto, instilled confidence in me that Milan is with us. We were part of a national flash mob, with 10,000 people in Milan, and many thousands in other cities, to tell the government that we can’t wait any longer – and we were surrounded by gay families. So, how can gay families still be perceived as attacking the ideas of traditional family and religion?
Alberto: They are not, in fact. It is, however, an issue of perspectives: in the 16th Century the Italian philosopher Giordano Bruno said that the earth is not the center of the universe and that there are countless other worlds. He also said that the existence of other worlds did not detract anything from our own. Bruno was burned at the stake by the Holy Inquisition for this.
Five hundred years on, not much has changed. The existence of ‘other’ families does not detract anything from traditional ones, just like Bruno said about ‘other’ worlds. But the mere knowing that one is no longer at the center of the universe destabilises he who has a rigid mind and a short vision.
Tom: So basically, don’t upset the apple cart? The parliamentary process and debate in Italy seems so complicated? What’s your view on how the debate is being handled?
Alberto: Humanly speaking, I would say very badly. It is not a civilized and serene debate about human rights, as suggested by the European Union. It has been an uproar full of vulgarity and political games.
Don’t forget that we are in the run up to elections in Italy and, as in the past, gay rights are often used to exacerbate political oppositions and to speak to the belly of the country. The right wing becomes a champion of tradition, the left wing of social change and progress.
But, in a climate of exasperation, Italy has seen it all: the ‘Five Star Movement, a political party created online, pretended to support the civil union law only to change their minds at the last moment purely to bring down the government and force the country to hold a new general election.
Because who cares about gay rights? The government may have survived the Five Star Movement but it had to sacrifice the stepchild adoption clause, perceived by the right wing as a direct attack against the traditional family.
Tom: The politics sounds just as messy as it is in the UK. The argument over the chance to adopt your partner’s child is just an insult to us, no?
Alberto: When we talk about stepchild adoption we talk about children. But, then again, with children we touch a slightly archaic sensitivity of a nation that is based on a certain idea of family. The consensus among some Italians is still that to open the way for homosexual parenting will end with a gradual erosion of the boundaries of the traditional idea of family.
But remember, people nowadays marry less, divorce much more, have fewer children and religious marriage in church is becoming just a moment of a day of celebration rather than the spiritual heart of a couple.
The traditional family has been in crisis for a long time and the fear with gay adoption is that the recognition of other kinds of families will spell the end of an institution already in recession.
Tom: Adoption issues aside, when we talk about civil unions aren’t we also talking about love between two human beings?
Alberto: It's true. But, as the American social critic Camille Paglia once said, "nature is culture." I mean that even love, that we think is a natural feeling, is indeed a product of society. Just look at the last hundred years, the history of the feeling of love has changed dramatically. We can see the gap between the ways our grandparents loved each other and how we express love today.
So I wouldn’t advocate the use of the idea of the ‘naturalness’ of love to legislate, otherwise we have to define what ‘natural’ is and that’s a dangerous and slippery slope.
We can only start with facts when it comes to creating laws; and the facts are that the emancipation of homosexual identity has reached a sufficient maturity to conceive internally stable families and to enrich them with the presence of children. Laws must reflect reality and grant equality for all, as we are all equally able to love.
Tom: If the law is ever passed with the stepchild adoption clause removed, and we get married in Italy, do you think we’ll be considered to be starting a revolution?
Alberto: If you look at the numbers, no. If the law is passed it will only guarantee the rights of a ‘specific minority group’ of gay people. And among those, a smaller percentage of gay people actually want to get married, and even fewer have it in mind to become parents. So, we’re not exactly talking about the numbers that will start a revolution.
But in cultural terms, yes. It is a revolution, and one that I am happy to be part of.
But, by the way, when you say, "if we get married"... Is that your way of telling me you’re about to get down on one knee?
Tom: Um… maybe we’ll talk about that another time.
Tom York is a journalist and communications consultant from London. Living between the UK and Italy, he can usually be found either tucking into a plate of pie and mash in Tooting Broadway or sipping a coffee at a pasticceria in Milan. When he’s not working or travelling, Tom spends a lot of time campaigning to improve understanding and increase awareness of mental illness.
Alberto Milazzo is an Italian writer, political commentator and LGBT campaigner. Alberto’s debut novel Uomini e Insetti (Men and Insects) was published by Mondadori in April 2015. Alberto has also written several short stories and plays, including works commissioned by Teatro Eliseo in Rome, and the Festival dei Due Mondi in Spoleto.
This article was also published on Gay Star News on 7 March 2016.
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