Don’t erase my identity because you are afraid of it.
This post is intended for anyone who is uncomfortable with the topic of adult autism diagnosis, for those who have assaulted me in conversation with phrases like ‘autism is just a label’ or the question 'why do you have to label everything’ , 'we are all on the spectrum’, 'everyone is a little bit autistic’ It is also for my ASD siblings, especially those who are nonverbal and have had to live with misunderstanding to a greater degree than I have.
Simply put it is the concept that the answer with the least assumptions is most likely the correct one.If everyone used this concept in their daily decision making we would have a much more informed society.
My label is Autism. I reject any other qualifier. I will not tolerate being referred to as high functioning or being placed anywhere on a silly left right spectrum. Being labeled high functioning has helped in leaving me behind, without help because I 'should have been able to do it myself’ (Thanks. I have done so but with a great amount of sorrow and isolation because people expected me to be typical and when I wasn’t I was alienated for it) My autism though unique to me should be considered by others as no different than a nonverbal autistic or someone whose autism makes them rigid and self abusive.
My problem in the past has been with labels. At the start of my life I was labeled male, normal, Mormon, hopeless, weird, annoying, noisy, stupid, gay, crazy. father, provider … anything but the true labels that would have instructed people about how to deal with my intense and unique personality.
In a recent conversation with a fairweather friend I had to respond to their resistance of my recent diagnosis. They recoiled when I started to answer their question about what is new in my life as though the autism thing was frightening and offensive.
“We can label ourselves with anything that makes us feel better but in the end we are just people” they said.
“Do not erase my identity because you fear my labeling of it. I have been labeled by others my entire life and I have had to fight nearly to my own demise to gain the right to label myself! Labels are arbitrary signs like any other bit of language. We use them to understand each other. I love you but I will not allow you to shit on my identity because you are uncomfortable with it. That is what the last forty years of my life has been defined by.”
Self diagnosis versus self advocacy.
Psychoanalysis is one of the most entrenched moralist regimes on the planet. We should be done with it in every regard. We should find another more honest and less assumptive model than that to treat mental illness.
The answer? Something else. We made psychoanalysis up, lets invent a better system like one based on the work of Gilles Deleuze and Felix Guatari. Let’s start using brain spect image scopes to actually look at the brain instead of guessing.
But we are in this system currently. Much like the gate-keeping I had to endure to claim my right to live as a woman, there is a good deal of gate-keeping going in other sub-disciplines in psychiatry and I found that unless I got the proper diagnosis of autism that I would not be able to function here very well. I mean I have been failing all this time and I knew if I found the right guarded fucking gate to walk through that I would be on my way to a happy life instead of one I wanted to flee at any cost because of the unreasonable expectations of others.
We have it in our heads thanks to the Psychoanalytical Lords of Assumption that diagnosing one’s self is wrong. I agree that sometimes people can miss the mark when the nature of their condition makes it difficult for them to be objective, but I am autistic. We are characterized by above average intelligence. That makes being objective an easy thing. Most of us with ASD know we have ASD, or at least that there is something going on that greatly deviates from typical neurological function.
I advocated for myself because there didn’t seem to be anyone willing to advocate for me. This has been the case my entire life. My parents wouldn’t. School was an ignorant hell. Nope. I was on my own.
I must be grateful for the other people on the spectrum for being courageous and honest enough to tell me, “Yes! You are definitely autistic.”
So here I am facing a new life with a newish set of circumstances and challenges now fully aware of who I am and what I can accomplish no thanks to Psychiatry (sorry Mr. Gatekeeper. I am not going to be thankful for something I should have rightfully had from the start. I am going to yank it from you, sneer, and say it’s about time. Snort loudly and walk away)
For those of you who are trapped by the system I hope you can find the boundaries that have been raised and smash them down, then you can come join me in living without fear.
There are great things ahead!
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