i'm going to give my inner child a gun

adult ～ trauma/mental health side blog

[traumas-echo]

google search how do you tell the difference between a mood swing or non-disordered identity alteration and the alter intrusions of P-DID. send post

[traumas-echo]

turns out: yeah probably have osdd LMAO

[traumas-echo]

and so my streak of suspecting/self-diagnosing and then it being diagnosed/confirmed by a professional later on continues... (except i was a little off. it's fully DID, not OSDD lol)

tbh didn't really wanna be right about this one 😭.. but oh well. we deal, we deal.

so yeah that's what i've been busy with for the past like year 🥴

[traumadrauma]

hey y’all wanna talk about a lesser talked about trauma effect?

loss of autonomy.

not knowing how to do anything without explicit permission or instruction.

feeling like you’ll get in trouble if you do anything on your own will.

waiting until you’re given permission to do so much as eat.

not feeling like your body is your own.

if you experience this you aren’t broken or alone. you were abused and traumatized and conditioned to be like this. remember you belong to nobody but yourself. you are and will be okay.

[nonegenderleftpain]

When I moved out of my mom's house to live with my dad, I was terrified constantly. I asked for permission to get a glass of water, or food from the fridge. It took me almost a year to feel comfortable doing survival tasks without asking for permission, and I STILL struggle with it sometimes, even though it's been like 7 years. This isn't stuff that just goes away overnight, but it DOES get better, and you are not alone.

[informationsorter]

I used to be paralysed by this exact thing - and no one has ever put it into words before in a way that makes me think “yes, this person knows exactly what I experience”. It’s been 8 years since I started healing and addressing this problem. I still have days where I find myself with this same old mindset, but I am getting better at employing the techniques my therapist taught me, and sometimes I am able to get out of that trauma trap.

[eldritchbauble]

The traumatized urge to ask someone if they're mad at you 5 minutes after expressing a need.

[eldritchbauble]

The traumatized urge to ask someone if they're mad at you 5 minutes after asking for anything.

[eldritchbauble]

The traumatized urge to ask someone if they're mad at you 5 minutes after setting a boundary.

[eldritchbauble]

The traumatized urge to ask someone if they're mad at you 5 minutes after visibly having an emotion.

[eldritchbauble]

The traumatized urge to ask someone if they're mad at you 5 minutes after breathing in their presence.

[snorlax-and-co]

[oneheadtoanother]

[pathologising]

every week I'm like I do not have ptsd anymore and then I have ptsd

[frogsforthefrogwar]

If your advocacy for truama/abuse survivors isn't inclusive of

Survivors who are not women

Survivors who developed hypersexuality

Survivors with personality disorders

Survivors with anger issues

Survivors with did/osdd

Survivors with substance abuse issues

Then maybe you should start making an effort to make it. I'm not asking anyone to shift focus to a topic they don't understand, but you dont have to become an expert in hypersexuality or personality disorders to not actively exclude or demonize them

[traumas-echo]

I just need to be a bit of a bitch right now ♡

before I start the entitled bitching, I want to preface that I absolutely hate that this is the way I respond to things like this. I hate the desire, the literal need, to be completely special and unique. it fucking sucks and it creeps into practically every area of my life and makes me feel like shit no matter if I achieve the theoretical standard for uniqueness I've set for myself. I hate it so much. it gets in the way of fucking everything. I'm trying to work on it but I'm not making much fucking progress lmao. ok anyways.

a person started talking about, like, secondhand religious trauma. the trauma of being exposed to toxic religious beliefs a lot while not actually being in the religion or having anything to do with it past that exposure. and like. yeah, man, that sucks, I'm sorry. but... do you actually think that's at all comparable to the direct, firsthand experience..?? like. I know I'm being a bitch. their pain is valid. but it just pisses me off when people like... try to talk as if two experiences are similar when they're just Not.

and I hate how damn defensive I can get when it comes to religion. it's a swing, I'm either all for criticism and bashing toxic religious ideas and people (and may go a bit too far with it lol oops), or I try to defend them for some fucking reason. almost like I'm trying to defend the person I used to be, I guess. but it's confusing for both me and other people.

like it's just. hard. trying to unlearn things that were taught to you as the only truth before you were even close to having the capacity for critical thought. I don't believe any of that stuff anymore, haven't for awhile. and yet I still act and react as if I do. uhg. can the complex trauma like... be less complex or something, god damn.

[teethingandrinking]

switching gears

[traumas-echo]

i know these ARE probably things other people who were abused do, but ive never seen them talked about or mentioned. so. i just wanna see who else is out there i guess

so, anyone else who lived in an abusive/toxic home or had an abusive/toxic relationship or whatever relate to these things?

being able to open things (ie. the fridge, drawers, containers, doors, soda cans) much quieter than others usually can

always wearing socks, because trying to walk barefoot on anything other than carpet makes too much noise

obsessively checking the volume of your music or when using headphones for anything else to make sure no one can hear it other than you

making sure to put anything you have moved EXACTLY back in place after you got what you needed

feel free to add any other more specific habits or ~skills~ you’ve acquired. these things interest me :)

[shubbabang]

[ojibwa]

[traumas-echo]

i’m sure someone has done this before, but I made it anyway lol

[traumas-echo]

oh buddy you fucking WISH it was only 2

[traumas-echo]

man that eating disorder wasn't lying.

that body CAN deteriorate

[m41410]

[traumas-echo]

i realllllly hate being ridiculed/criticized as a, like, “edgelord” or “stick in the mud” when I express a thought of mine that seems very stupidly edgy or depressing or something like that. or seeing others rag on other people who express the same or similar thought.

im not stupid or being performative. thats just what i was taught and shown growing up and then given No genuine counter evidence for.

and i understand that these unhealthy beliefs are my responsibility to unpack and fix. i just dont appreciate or feel very motivated to even change them when people act like its my fault for having them in the first place. i want to work on it, and i am. but it takes more time than it does to have another person act like this towards me or someone that i see. so for now i will be a little miffed about it!

i dont believe “marriage is bad/stupid/a trap” or “marriage only leads to unhappiness” because i think im, like, too smart for ~Love~ or ~Emotion~ or ~Attachment~, or whatever it is you think i think i am. i believe that because Every marriage i’ve witnessed growing up, both my own caregivers’ and those of my friends as a kid, has been unhealthy at best. that’s just what you tend to see in a very christian and conservative environment, from my experience. at least one of the two has ALWAYS been extremely unhappy and showed that very clearly. what else was i supposed to think? if i was never been shown that happy marriages can and do exist, what else was there to believe?

i dont believe “love doesnt exist” or “love is a lie” or “love is bad” because i’m edgy or trying to be cool. I believe that because all sources of “love” in my life have been extremely conditional. for me, the love WAS a lie. it DIDN’T exist. but i was continually told it was love. so obviously i’m going to connect Love with Betrayal/Pain/Fear. i genuinely thought at one point that the “price” for love was abuse. that love even had a price in the first place. that you had to hurt to be able to experience good things. that if someone does something good for me, they were allowed to--and supposed to--hurt me as badly as they wanted (and unfortunately ended up also twisting that belief to apply to me as the “giver” as well. but thats mostly in the past now).

etc etc.

i dont want to believe these things. i would love to live a life where i see these things in a positive and good light. but unfortunately this is the hand life has given to me. and as i try to reshuffle and fix the deck, i would appreciate some benefit of the doubt.

[traumas-echo]

google search how do you tell the difference between a mood swing or non-disordered identity alteration and the alter intrusions of P-DID. send post

[traumas-echo]

turns out: yeah probably have osdd LMAO