[Image descriptions in order: a Reddit post on r/AmltheAsshole by u/ApprehensiveFix3425, titled "AITA for not attending my daughters gender reveal for her lizard?"
This is literally really stupid but she's really upset about it. So my (48) daughter (23) has a blue tongue skink who she heavily adores. She jokingly refers to it as her daughter, I've found it weird but she says it's because it's the closest thing she'd have to a child and she feels a strong emotional bond similar to a child. She has decided to remain child free for multiple reasons and I have been very supportive of this decision.
Well she recently took her Skink to the vet for a checkup and she was excited to find out her Skinks gender. Afterwards I got a text asking if I'd come to her gender reveal party she was having. She explained it was just a small get together with cake and food for her friends she hasn't seen in a while with the gender reveal being mostly a joke (and a way to make fun of real gender reveals).
Well I didn't come. I didn't see a point. It's just a lizard and I'm a busy person. She later called me and expressed she was kind of sad I didn't come cuz it'd been a while since I'd seen her but she understood I was busy. I told her she couldn't actually expect me to come to a gender reveal for a lizard. She said that it wasn't a real gender reveal, that was more of a joke and it was really just a small gathering to catch up with everyone. I told her if that was the case she should've just called it a gathering because I'm not coming to a gender reveal unless it's for a real grand daughter.
She got quiet for a minute and then turned my words around, claiming I wasn't supportive of her decision to be childfree. I told her she can't possibly expect me to treat a lizard as a grand daughter, she said she didn't expect me too but it was clear I didn't respect her bond with her lizard and her decision, and she just wanted to see me and my reason for coming was hurtful. I told her she was being ridiculous over a lizard, she claimed it wasn't over the lizard and it was a gathering and not even centered around the lizard, but I stick by to what I said. It's ridiculous to have a gender reveal for a lizard.
She hung up and I got a message from her best friend about how I'm an asshole for treating her that way, but I don't think I'm the asshole for not wanting to go to a party for a lizard?]
["EDIT: In the time I was away I got many replies and it was a lot to read through. Let me clear a couple things up.
1. My issue is that she said the party was a gender reveal, if she had called it just a party I would have come. But calling it a gender reveal makes it sound like it's for the lizard, and I'm not going to that even if it is a "joke".
2. I don't know why it matters but the Skink is a girl which is why I said "I'm not coming to a gender reveal unless it's for a real grand daughter."
3. Even though I don't agree with my daughter for being childfree, I have been supportive and only shown mild frustration. The reasons she decided to be childfree is she claims she's asexual, she just doesn't want one, she has emotional baggage and feels unable to care for a real child, she fears pregnancy, and she has a carrier gene like me and "doesn't want to go through what I did" (I had 4 miscarriages and a highly defect child that died after 3 months due to the gene). Yes there has been slight tension between us because I think she just hasn't found the right man (she never dated growing up) and her other fears are unnecessarily exaggerated, but it's ultimately her decision and I don't resent her.
4. We haven't seen each other in three months. I'm a single mother and we have always been close which is why she invited me with her friends, I just didn't want to go to a party with a lizard, and if it wasn't for the lizard she should've called it a party instead of a gender reveal."]
[A comment by u/PrettyFly4AYaoGuai which says, "Ok. So. First off, this is probably the most interesting topic I've ever seen on this sub. I didn't wake up this morning thinking "I hope I get to weigh in on how the social contract relates to gender reveal parties for reptiles" but here we are.
If this was as straight forward as the title suggested, you wouldn't be in the wrong at all. A gender reveal party for a lizard is just...well. It's silly. Gender reveal parties in general are silly, this one is double silly. It's fun, it's cute, but it's silly.
Your daughter did make it clear to you that she was jokingly hosting a gender reveal party for a lizard. What she was actually doing was hosting a small get together and she wanted you to come over. She made it pretty obvious from the get-go gecko that she really just wanted an excuse to have a small party.
So...and I love that I get to use this sentence...
Let's remove the lizard genitals from the situation.
What your daughter was actually doing was inviting you over to spend time with her, and you declined because you're "A busy person with important things to do." You didn't like that she jokingly called it a gender reveal party, even though it had been made clear that it was just a get together. You took a stab at her choice to be child free (She's obviously not presenting this lizard as your grand daughter, it wasn't necessary to say that you'd come to a gender reveal for an actual baby). Basically, you got so hung up on the silly name of the party that you completely ignored the intention and made your daughter feel like crap.
So yeah, YTA, but it's not because you won't be there to celebrate the revealing of the lizard genitals. It's just because your daughter wanted to spend time with you, and you brushed her off Cats in the Cradle style.
ETA: Your edit made this entire situation worse. Congratulations. With just a few sentences, you managed to
-Demonstrate that you were entirely hung up on the name of the party. Despite being told multiple times what the purpose of the party was, you couldn't live with attending a party with a silly name.
-Prove that you are not, in fact, supportive of your daughter's decision to be child free. There's a difference between being "supportive" and "only bitching about it a little bit".
["- Invalidate your daughter's sexual identity. She's not asexual, she just hasn't met the right man yet!
But I think my favorite part was towards the end. Where your daughter provided multiple VERY legitimate reasons not to want children. Not wanting kids, for one. But also a fear of pregnancy, genetic issues, and a maternal history of devastating loss. You suffered 4 miscarriages and lost a child in infancy. How in the world could you, as a mother, want your daughter to suffer like that?
Everyone keeps mentioning the Iranian Yogurt, but after reading your update, I'm prepared to say it.
THE LIZARD GENITALS ARE NOT THE ISSUE HERE."
u/HappiestApple replies "quote, Let's remove the lizard genitals from the situation. unquote.
If the genitals were removed, would that make it a lizard gender neutral reveal party? What is the correct terminology here?"]
[A screenshot of three comments from the OP on the post, which say:
"I wouldn't say I've invalidated it. She says she doesn't experience sexual/romantic attraction nor has a want for it which is only because she hasn't found the right person yet. It's impossible for someone to not feel such a natural feeling, everyone feels it, it is a normal chemical in our body. I've tried to explain this to her, for some reason she fears physical interaction with men. I think her fears probably stems from not having a father because he left when she was three. Yes, it was hard on me. There were many tears and it's partly why her father left, but that's what mother's do. She knows how important to me it is that I finally gave birth to a child that actually lived to grow up, and it does hurt she wouldn't continue for me when I went through that pain. That's why there's been tension for her decision, and I will admit I am unhappy with her decision but I have been as supportive as I can and haven't been mean about it."
"She kept labeling it was a gender reveal though. She bought a cake that says "It's a girl" and popped a pink sparkly glitter popper too, which I think is ridiculous, the lizard can't appreciate or love this, it can't even feel emotions."
"I will be honest I don't have any particular feelings for the lizard. I think it looks like a snake and that freaks me out, and it is incapable of feeling emotions so I don't know why she feels a bond with it. She even named it Ellie, a human name, so she can tell people "I have to get home to Ellie" so she can act like she's busy with a kid at home which I believe is an unhealthy way to cope with her social anxiety, she should learn to get comfortable with saying no instead of using a lizard as an excuse to neglect social obligations."]
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