to speak to trans men directly for a second (or at least, to the ones who need to hear it):
the people telling you that you're not "really" men/male are not invested in trans liberation, and they do not have your best interests at heart.
the world wants you to stay in "female" spaces, to only pursue medical care deemed "female," to identify with "female" assignment, and to interpret your place in social life as "female." that's what assignment enforcement looks like. you were assigned "female" and then that assignment is enforced everywhere constantly.
your body, decisions, and life is being measured against that assignment, and you are being punished for all the ways you fail or refuse to adhere to it. this is transphobia. every trans person experiences this, regardless of our gender, anatomy, presentation, or politics.
the idea that these structural barriers and interpersonal punishments you're facing is coming from reaction to masculinity specifically is a misdirection. if you believe your oppression is rooted in "anti-masculinity" then you are more likely to direct your anger towards transfeminists. this misdirection isolates you from those who would otherwise be in solidarity with you. it functions to redirect your energy away from trans liberation and towards patriarchal maintenance.
this is a very dangerous bait and switch. because while patriarchy benefits men as a class, it also oppresses trans people. so putting all your effort into maintaining patriarchy will further enshrine your own oppression as a trans person while always requiring any benefit you receive to come at the price of harming trans women. even if not directly harming an individual woman in an interpersonal context, you will be harming trans women as a class, meaning you will not even know how many actual women have harder lives due to your participation in their oppression.
it is a devil's bargain. if you choose it, other trans people will not be safe around you, and as they realize this, they will leave. eventually, there will be no one you can throw under the bus to dodge transphobic violence. you will not have anyone to stand with you. cis men who found your antifeminism useful will not protect you. cis women who found your bioessentialism useful will not protect you. you will be even more vulnerable than you are right now.
I urge you to actively and sincerely work at cultivating solidarity with trans women and transfeminized people more broadly. that means listening to them (even when you disagree), learning from them (not extracting pieces to leverage for your own needs, but allowing new ideas to challenge you and working through these challenges until you can integrate these ideas into your actual worldview), and yes sometimes making decisions that are to your own immediate disadvantage out of commitment to goals that are to the advantage of all trans people, including yourself, in the long term.
this is not a self-sacrificial thing (nor should it be--approaching "solidarity" as "sacrifice" builds resentment towards and distance from others instead of building intimacy and friendship). this is a commitment to build and maintain your capacity to think beyond the current moment and act collectively for common material goals.
I want all of us to survive. I want you to want this too.
