(Its past my Bedtime)

Despite the URL, just a small time Brit entirely out of his depth in this place.

[shelter-wood]

there's a tortoise at work and he's 30 years old and I love that he's 30 years old because I can look at this animal that is 3 years older than me and go "does the man want his appy slices??" and he hustles over cause the man do want his appy slices

[mephistopheles]

my three girlfriends. and YES they prophesy the death of the king of scotland

[cheaphalloweencostume]

you all hate the position i sleep in because you haven’t advanced to my level and you’re jealous of my mental acuity and caustic wit as well as being extremely good at sleeping

[cheaphalloweencostume]

[emptycontainer]

[nerdyvocals]

This is like. The opposite of the recovery position

[whatrturtles]

[dankmemeuniversity]

[tikkety-tok]

I love ✨ m o d e r n ✨ dance

[porterr-robinson]

[jade-sutures]

Defense against a guy in a chair

[jurisffiction]

unimaginably cruel

[ottermatopoeia]

what do spinach be sayin

[communistbussy]

[powerburial]

just realized you don’t need to say 6am or 6pm. we already know the m is there so just write like 6a or 6p. can’t believe no one figured this trick out before.

[signedsincerelymegan-blog]

or you could do the easy thing and say 0600 and 1800

[powerburial]

yeah like adding a bunch of unnecessary zeroes is easy. you piece of shit. you fucking coward

[surprisebitch]

6p means 6 pence. that shit wont work in the UK

[powerburial]

yeah but this is like for real people

[lmaonade]

indoor cat who’s body temperature is super self regulated by their fur and who is absolutely warm and fine:

me: you look cold  do you need a blanket? need a blankey ? hm? 

[localstarboy]

[pepsiprincesa]

he smacked the SHIT out that bitch LMAOOO

[jadesejasper]

What is going on

[wereralph]

Who’s fucking house is this????

[awakecorgi704-deactivated202007]

booty shorts that read “do not resuscitate”

[airyairyquitecontrary-deactivat]

that only works if they find you ass up but I guess you have plans

[helianthus-hellion]

fanny pack that says “please turn over”

[rachiesratirementhome]

What if we kissed on the rouch

[catasters]

[lemonsharks]

[kaelio]

[dollfat]

[piesa2]

[asundergrowth]

[fucko]

[d1rtypaws]

When someone is explaining something to you and you get hit with the realization that you haven’t retained anything that has been said to you and the moment they stop talking you won’t be able to recall any part of it