Abyss
When I met her, she was already with someone. Although she was in a committed relationship, it didn’t stop us from building something of our own. We never crossed any lines, she remained faithful and I was respectful of her boundaries. It was extremely difficult, especially when there were those moments where we connected in ways which made us believe every fairytale where they talk about finding someone that actually gets you. Don’t get me wrong, what we had was far from a fairytale, but the connection we shared was undeniable.
She’d come back to me after a few weeks, a couple months, or even years later, and we would pick right back up where we left off. We came to a point where I was no longer her friend, I just remained in this “What if” abyss. It’s like she would find me when she needed to feel alive again. Of course I felt used by it, but I overlooked the negative aspect of her affections just so I can soak in any moment I could get with her.
When I think about it, our relationship is more dysfunctional than a fairytale. I can’t explain why we tease ourselves by maintaining whatever it is we have. I don’t know why I haven’t moved on to find someone else, let alone why she sticks with her man when she knows she would love to take the chance with me. I guess deep down we know, if things didn’t work out between us, it would suck more than us never taking the shot.
If we did hook up, things wouldn’t be perfect nor would it be much different than any other relationship, but I’d like to think because it’s us, we’d tough it out. At the same time, I feel like my optimism comes from a place of false hope. A part of me imagines that someday she’ll find the courage to leave him for me, but at that point, will she still be the girl I was into?
Imagine she gets so fed up with the non sense he puts her through that she escapes the toxicity and finds refuge with me. Or if their relationship just becomes so seasoned and routined that she only seeks me out to give her what he lacks, am I really okay with being the understudy? The thought of it makes me so mad at her for even putting me in such a predicament but who am I to act all high and mighty when I’m leaving her so emotionally conflicted by forcing her to question her relationship with thoughts of an alternative reality where we exist as a couple? It’s fucked up any way you look at it.
What started with this genuine feeling we mutually shared, unintentionally, it became the demise to our relationship. I want to say I’m sorry for ever speaking my feelings into existence, but how can I apologize for being honest about the way I feel? I know there’s no version where things end on a “happily ever after” note for us, yet I still wouldn’t take any of it back. If there was anything I’d change, it’d be that we could just decide if we wanted to just go for it or we could respectfully close the door on “what if” because the longer we prolong it, chances are, there won’t be an us for much longer...