Pile_1_v3_fin @ulnarego - Tumblr Blog

since becoming a barista i have noticed a few very distinct typologies among my customers. such as:

the woke left: young and fashionable. visible tattoos. often enjoys matcha, lavender flavoring, oat milk, and cold foam. pretty decent customers.

sweet old man: drinks very sweet iced lattes, pays in cash, puts all of his change in the tip jar. sometimes orders hot coffee and i get scared that his shaky old man hands will spill it and he'll get burned but that has not yet happened and god willing never shall.

evil old man: only wants drip coffee and declares it ridiculous that any other form of coffee exists. some variants only want americanos and these variants are even scarier. watch out.

sweet old woman: might need her daughter's help to order but is very bubbly and open to trying new things. compliments baristas freely and frequently.

evil old woman: does not want coffee and only wants sweet tea or soda. will not tip even if she spends three hours in the shop repeatedly asking baristas to fetch things for her.

errand husband: either stiltedly recites an order to you or shows you the order in their texts/notes app. needs to step out of line and make a phone call if you ask any follow-up questions.

grindset girlie: always wearing scrubs, an apron, and/or a name tag. orders the exact same thing every day and knows the exact change she'll need to pay for it. her regular order is both extremely caffeinated and extremely sweet.

#mamabear: is actively wrangling two to four children while ordering. order changes repeatedly because the children cannot decide if they want a muffin or a cookie or apple juice or chocolate milk etc. for some reason these women are always wearing an article of clothing or carrying some personalized item that says "mama" on it.

schoolchildren: band of two to eight adolescents hanging out after school. extremely indecisive but generally quite polite and tip well.

amnesiac in love: grown adult who needs their partner to tell them what they like. gets asked a question about their own preferences and turns to their partner to answer for them. generally acts like a shy child looking to their guardian for behavioral cues if you try to interact with them and only wants to talk to mommy i mean their wife.

this of course is not an exhaustive list but those are just some of the most consistent Types i get. ok bye xoxo

darkspaceboytoy

“But North Korea has a cult of personality” and we depict our founding fathers as angel-like beings blessed with the divine vision of a great nation built on earth that will spread its light to all corners. Like literally. We painted that on the ceiling of our capital building.

xpxssxm

myjourneywithfnd

I saw a video today from a chronically ill woman about the fact you can feel so guilty when doing fun things.

She talks about how, as a kid, you learn to finish work before you can play and that you take this with you into adulthood. So you keep the mindset of having to finish 'have to' tasks/chores before being allowed to 'play'.

But when you're chronically ill, this is literally impossible! If you'd do that it would be all work and never play. That wouldn't be healthy at all. We need to remind ourselves of this. We don't need to feel guilty for doing something fun!

crplpunkklavier

we bought a shirt at a thrift store that says "best mom in louisiana" for some reason (as a reminder we are in midwest germany) and now my spouse keeps walking around the house wearing it and saying shit like "WHO STANDS BEFORE THE GREATEST MOM OF LOUISIANA?"

doctorwhowatchesthewatchmen

the circus is empty, all of the monkeys are here

userfish

thatlavendergremlin

Galaxies are yurinating...

spotforme

don't say it like that

hexjulia

so hard not to become the most annoying person on earth if you're a little excitable and just learned a little about a topic literally no one around you has any interest in

timefortigers

problem i have is whenever i read write say or hear "sugar baby" my brain is like oh yeah, i know what that is! pretty sure we can reliably derive meaning for this term based on other definitions that precede it in our internal lexicon, like "sugar glider" and "bush baby". we are definitely talking about some kind of small arboreal marsupial with large eyes. it's probably not ethical for this wealthy patron to be keeping one as a pet

cartoon-fanaticism

GLaDOS voice: "Would you like to see some artwork I generated? I've heard from other test subjects that AI-generated artwork produces an uncanny valley response in human viewers because they can't perceive it as fully real. They've told me that it looks absolutely hideous to them, that they can't imagine anything more disgusting than AI art. But, well I've been practicing and wanted your honest opinion. Feel free to let me know how ugly you find this by ranking it on a scale from 'vomit-inducing' to 'eye-bleeding'." A robotic arm lowers from the ceiling holding a hand mirror up to Chell's face

cynomad

The mountain goats is like The Ship of Theseus except for the fact that it’s very clearly defined which plank of wood makes it The Ship of Theseus, so much so that the plank alone could also be called The Ship of Theseus

mumblesplash

it’s so magical and beautiful that there are sprawling interconnected cave systems carved deep into the earth by various geological forces and you don’t have to go in them. there are miles and miles of stone passageways in total darkness that require you to exhale all the air out of your lungs to squeeze through parts of them and you don’t have to be there. some of these squeezes are underwater and require cave divers to take off their oxygen tanks and push them through ahead of them and me i am above ground looking at the sky as we speak. there are untold subterranean wonders no human has ever seen and i will not be the one to discover them #grateful #blessed

baldingfemale

In my early-twenties I was addicted to photoshopping my nudes into Hieronymus Bosch paintings, though there came a point when the cohesiveness of the end products began to offend me

lezbianz

this is for a part-time job as a barista

inactiveaccount082024

on an application to work the front desk of a hotel

chasetriesagain

If minimum wage you'd like to make, This ancient quiz you'll have to take.

Step right up, but be prepared. Those who fail are poverty-snared. Question One! If your labor proves most fruitful, Raking quarters by the bootful, Who should excess profits reap, Me the wolf or you the sheep? Question Two! If, by merit, you're made pope, What will be your fervent hope? Law and order justly paired? Or mercy and the guilty spared?

Question Three! If a train should leave Topeka Driven by a solar squeaker, How then should the cat behave? Give it milk or give it grave? Question Four! Do you have a criminal record?

detectivehole

what's that one thing where they asked how ripely from alien was so realistic and believable as a female character in scifi for once and they were like "well we just took the dude from the original script and made him a girl and changed nothing else. it works bc men and women are the same?" and people were like "woah no way" and then didn't learn anything from that for 20 years

detectivehole

"how do you write such believable men as a woman?" "how do you write such believable women a man?" and the answer people who are good at it always give is "i just write people. were literally the exactly the same. do you think the opposite sex is some sorta totally different animal???" and people respond "woah that's wild. yea i do. and im not gonna stop thinking that goodbye :)"

anarchistmemedistro

self-loving-vampire

turochamp

dreamt that i went to a car dealership and Light Yagami and L were there and I saw L first so I went "woah are you L death note?" and L went "L what?" and light went " L WHAT."