One day at a time.

Blogs about life, things people with childhood trauma could probably relate to.

[undead-venus]

Life prospectives

Tw; Suicide

Tw; SH

I don't remember much growing up, the memories always seem so distant. The weird thing is that sometimes small things can make me remember small things about my past. I remember some things, the way so many adults around me would admire the fact I was so "mature for my age". I also now realize that should have really been a cry for help. I remember desperately trying to fit, to make myself feel like I belonged. I always struggled with social interactions, always was known for being to sensitive, known to be the weird kid in general. I also remember wanting to walk to school, go workout because I wasn't as slim as some of my peers I even remember thinking I can cut some fat out with a knife, I remember the welcoming feeling of death. The feeling of being alone. As I got older I realized that I always got through tough times by thinking "this will be over soon". From a very young age I questioned my existence and even though I was suicidal, I feared death. Which was very confusing.I see now more than ever that I view life a lot differently than most people. I didn't care much for the future because I honestly did not know if I was going to make it to said future and to be quiet honest. I am still not sure if I can make it.

[undead-venus]

Abandonment issues

Abandonment has always a very touchy subject. To be completely honest I have no idea where it comes from. Could it have stemmed from my unstable childhood? The absent parents and jumping from house to house. It could also just straight up be my Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Wherever this came from I have always struggled so much with it. I have this image in my head that everyone around me is going to leave me. Relationships have always brought out the worst in me (Abandonment issues included). In past years I wondered how I was used so much, looking back I realize that I let them use me. The second someone I was close to showed signs of leaving it would cause me to basically lose myself. I would do anything for them not to go. I would do things I wasn't comfortable with and basically got used, over and over again. It took me a while to own up to the fact that I have abandonment issues, It is very hard to handle. Sometimes you think it is gone and then it comes rushing back once you are actually getting left again. Sometimes I fear i might feel like this forever

[undead-venus]

Night

tw; suicide

Night time used to be my favorite time of my whole day actually. Until everything got worse, my mental state deteriorating, it all was too familiar. The fear that once left alone, those thoughts will roll back in. The struggle to make it past the night. It is not as bad when you have people to talk to, but I guess that is why they say you cannot always depend on a person. Night is dangerous for me now. I stay awake, thinking of everything really. I even begin to remember things. Due to unknown circumstances I tend to forget tons of things. Small facts mostly, I haven't forgotten any major things like my name or things like that. But things like the past start coming back. It makes me remember back when I would dream about being older and more free. Now that I am older, I look up at my ceiling once again hoping the thoughts of no longer being alive do not win.

[undead-venus]

Reality(?)

I've had this weird thing happen to me recently, wondering if anyone else can relate. Nothing feels real. It honestly started a while ago but is progressively getting more severe and harder to ignore. Everything seems fake constantly. It feels like I'm in a dream including my vision. Sometimes when it gets bad everything around me blurs in a weird way. I noticed that the feeling becomes more intense when I am around a lot of people. I feel like I am watching my whole life from outside of my own body. I am numb to any positive feelings most of the time or I mask up the bad feelings and release them all at night. In a weird way, I do not know what I look like, I try to remember what I look like in my brain but unless I am looking at a reflection or an old picture I don't know what I look like. My memory is so bad, I barely remember what happened throughout the day. I am on auto pilot a lot. My emotions are so irregular. I want nothing more than human touch so that everything can feel real, so I can feel real. Sometimes when my vision blurs too much or there is more people and it triggers it even more, I try to blink really hard to bring my vision back or scratch my arm lightly to feel something. It works sometimes but not all the time. There are times where I snap out of it for a bit and when I do it is the scariest thing ever, I become aware of everything and everyone, I feel nothing but panic but I can't express that so sometimes I just sit, on a verge of a panic attack and act like everything is natural. I hate this so much. What is wrong with me. Why do I feel like this. How do I make it stop.

[undead-venus]

Mirrors

Mirrors, something we use on a daily basis. Most of the time we walk past them or don't pay much attention to it. We see our reflection, we see ourselves. Lately the person in the mirror is not me. It is me physically but everything else seems to be different, shifted almost. I completely lost myself to a point where I do not really remember how I used to be. Who knows maybe this is for the best. I let go of someone really important recently. It still hurts, a lot of the things they do hurts to. Memories of the way they used to be flood back in and I compare them to the way they currently are and it almost feels like a stab to the heart. It makes me wonder if that is why I am currently changing so much. I am trying to fit other people's standards. I am booted back to the people pleasing. I am back to trying to look my best because when I try on my appearance and look attractive in the eyes of other people I get more validation. Validation is something I crave so badly currently. Maybe that's why I feel I would take it from anyone. Why I currently am falling apart but force myself to keep my appearance up. I stare at the mirror and staring back at me is a girl who wants to so desperately find myself. But how am I supposed to do that when I keep slipping into the depths of my own mind?

[undead-venus]

Old Photos

I wonder when it all changed. When that little girl in the picture woke up from her dream and looked around and realized her life was a living nightmare. When everything wasn't so simple anymore. When she realized she was being abused in many ways for so many years. Once the light in her smile was darkened. No one saved her in time. Now so many years later, that little girl is me, grown and dull looking back at what used to be.

[undead-venus]

Emotionally Unavailable

I don't believe that emotionally unavailable people are born, I think they are made. Sculpted in the most corrupt ways. Either they are used time and time again by people who were supposed to love and support them. They went through mounds of childhood trauma. Or maybe, one traumatic experience was all that was needed to make someone emotional unavailable. I have only recently become emotionally unavailable. I guess it was bound to happen, My life slowly chipped away at me, painting over any kind of happiness with the memories from my past. In reality, I do not want this for myself. I want no more than to look in his eyes and feel something again. I want no more than to have those moments where I am laughing so hard I feel tears forming at my eyes. I want no more than to feel those little butterflies in my stomach at the mere thought of him. The way he truly cared and was more gentle than anyone I've ever met before that made me feel like I finally meant something to someone. The way I felt like I was finally enough for someone around him. The way I felt when I saw his eyes soften around me; those dark eyes, filled with pain yet so beautiful. Now whenever I see him, I see the person I've painfully let down, time and time again.

[undead-venus]

Destructive Habits

As a person who struggles with mental illness, It is difficult to recognize habits that are destructive to myself. It takes me a while to realize what I am doing to myself and 99% of the time when I realize, it is too late. Recently I've been letting myself slip more and more into these habits, I haven't really left my house, just go to school and come back home. I over work myself to the brim. I stay up late, even if my body is giving up. I am giving into irritability and moodiness. I think I am just slowly turning into a person I promised myself I would not be. I am surrounding myself with a lot of new people even though I know well I like to personally keep my circle small. Home life has been eating my up but I am slowly waking myself up from blindly obeying my dad and step mom. I have woken myself up to realize a lot of things around me. I think I have successfully pushed almost everyone close to me away even if I wasn't certain about it. I keep having out of body experiences it feels as if times when I do certain things, it's not me. I recently pushed someone deeply close to me away in fear of the person I am slowly becoming. I am beginning to wonder if I am truly loosing myself but some how, I am becoming life this because of my destructive habits. For some reason, I like this version of myself. If I don't let anyone in, I won't get hurt. If I learn to not care so deeply for people, I won't get hurt. I have learned how to scarily turn off my emotions or to turn it to rage somehow. I like not being seen as the sensitive cry baby anymore.

[undead-venus]

Right person, Wrong time

I used to never be a firm believer in this. I thought that in relationships, romantic or friendship wise, if we are meant to be it will work out no matter what. I have recently found this to be false. Sometimes two people can be perfect for each other, written in the stars but, still be a wreck together when put with each other at bad times. Sometimes both sides put in so much effort but it just doesn't work out because of the timing and situation. Sometimes the best you can do is put distance, it might hurt a bit at first but after some time, if you both really loved each other you will see how much you missed each other and maybe that time apart can be time used to heal up, and focus on yourself in order to better yourself again. If it is meant to be, it will be.

[undead-venus]

Change

Recently, I have had lots of time to think deeply about things. I found myself thinking of change, How much I am weirdly drawn to it. Currently change is what I use almost as an escape. I don't like to keep a similar style in clothing, I don't keep the same hair (always have the urge to cut or dye it), I want to change up my appearance in some shape or form, I don't like keeping my room the same so I always put up more posters or just change it up some how . I just have a constant desire for change and I was never really sure why. After some thinking I realized that change is something that I am used to, growing up I always was bouncing from house to house. I either was at home with my biological mother or at a relatives house (grandma, aunts,uncles or even friends) I was rarely ever actually home. I guess this "desire" for change comes from the fact that I find a strange comfort in it, Almost as if I get bored easily because I am so used to change. I think it's true, I don't think I could ever follow a strict day to day schedule, As much as I hate to admit it I like unexpected change. I like surprises and just things I do not expect which is why I think I have been so stressed lately, on top of all the things I have to deal with, it's all been the same, everyday seems to blend together. Not sure how I am currently going to deal with this.

[undead-venus]

People Pleasing

I feel that my "people pleasing" came from my issues with my biological mother. I think that from a young age I thought "If I can't please her, I should please as many people as I can". And so I did, I pleased as many people as I possibly could. It most definitely took a toll on me, now even if I try it is difficult to say no to people. Difficulty setting boundaries also came from this, I became so caught up with pleasing people that I forgot that I should be my own main priority. Not only did people pleasing mentally drain me but I quickly learned that no matter how much I attempted, I cannot please everyone. Along with this I realize, I also forgive people too easily. I guess it goes with the people pleasing because they could have hurt me a hell ton, and I would still forgive and continue to help them. I guess that is why I get used so often, many times before I have gone back to toxic friendships just to please the other person. I'm so drained, I'm so tired. I want to be able to set boundaries and to be able to just not care so much about pleasing people or worrying what they think of me. It gets to a point where someone asks me a question, my breathing picks up and I almost feel a little dizzy if the question has something that goes against what I am comfortable with, being able to say no becomes incredibly hard. It is something I very much want to work on. I wanna work on being content with myself.

[undead-venus]

Mental Tiredness, Feeling Numb

Being tired seems like a regular thing, you go to sleep late or just do not get enough sleep. It is a normal thing, easily fixed with more sleep. What about when that tiredness goes beyond what sleeping can repair. I personally am a very bubbly and energetic person, so when I started to experience this tiredness I covered it up with more energy. A big mistake really. This kind of tiredness lingers for a while. Some days are worse than others, sometimes the mornings feel fine then the tiredness hits out of no where. During these tired "episodes" I personally also experience the numb feeling. It's an odd feeling for a person who always experienced almost too many emotions. I was either labeled as "the crybaby" or by my anger. I hate this numb feeling, it feels so empty and some how it also feels lonely. Even if I am not completely numb my emotions are very minimized. I am not quite sure what to do, I want to feel again but I do not want to go through the emotional pain. I want to feel the thrills of small things again, adrenaline or anything really. This is a struggle that I can not give much advice about because I am currently struggling with it myself. I might update on this on a different occasion if I find some coping mechanisms.

[undead-venus]

Eating Disorders

Tw;Ed

Eating disorders. One of the hardest things I deal with apart from my mental illnesses, the fact that once it does "go away" it can and always come back once you slip again. It is one of the most ego crushing things to deal with. In my personal experience this time around when it started showing signs of coming back I had someone to stop me from slipping to far into the disorder. The upsetting part is that even if people try to help, an eating disorder is a battle with yourself. There is a plate of food in front of you and you have to battle the overbearing thoughts. "If you eat that you're gonna gain weight" "no one is gonna love you if you gain weight" "you have to be skinny to be pretty". Tons of thoughts flood your mind, and if you do eventually eat, there is nothing but pure guilt, regret and hatred left behind. Even when you have people trying to help, you can still slip, I am slipping again personally. I started eating after not eating for a good amount of time which in turn has been making me chubby. Looking into a body mirror has gotten difficult, I hate looking into the mirror and seeing my body. Some days have gotten so bad that I just sit in front of my mirror and cry, other days I have covered both of my mirrors with blankets because of the rush of negative thoughts. I wear nothing but over sized shirts and sweaters, no one has noticed because now the weather is getting colder so it is pretty normal. I hate it, even when I change clothing I have to do it fast. I just wanna be happy in my own body. I wanna be able to look in the mirror again without being drowned by negative thoughts. I just wanna be okay.

[undead-venus]

Self Harm

Tw;sh

Self harm. A lot of us have heard of it, first thing that comes into most people's minds is the act of someone taking a blade and dragging it across the skin. Well while that is correct there is other self harm methods, self harm is anything that you do with bad intentions (Piercings, over spending money, purposely getting into fights/arguments with people you are close with). The lesser known sh methods are over looked since some do not seem like they cause "physical harm" which really does suck. As with everything else in the mental awareness area, I would like to spread awareness about self harm too, to let people know so they can also get help and know they do not struggle alone.

[undead-venus]

Love

Quite an interesting topic when you are a person who got abused in many ways by someone who was supposed to love you, like in my instance my mother. My view on love is ever so changing, it’s always shifting. My experiences with love were never the best (romantic relationships,friendships etc.) I think last year while having deep rooted thought I realized I have yet to experience love. Last month that changed, I started dating my boyfriend. He is so incredibly patient and loving which is very much new to me. I realized that trauma and just mental illness does play a role in relationships, I used to be very insecure about these things up until I met my boyfriend, it has only been a month but I think that he knows me more than I know myself. I feel so free around him, like I can tell him anything and he will accept all of it. It is a really nice feeling to have. I think that he has done research about my mental illnesses or is just really observant. He is also very loving and affectionate and understands I may not respond in ways that other girls may respond when receiving affection because of my past, and I love that about him. He is actually being patient and sticking with me, and I do think I have gotten better at alot of things because of him. I don’t think he realizes how much he actually helps me with everything. Something I disagree with is the rumor that being in love is always “butterflies and jitters”, it’s not-. Sometimes it’s just the serenity you feel around them. Today I had a pretty bad day at home, I told him “I wanna go home” and he asked me “where is home” after thinking about it I realize that as cheesy as it sounds, home doesn't have to be a place, it can be a person and to me, he is my home.

[undead-venus]

Toxic Households

I feel as if people don’t really talk about how draining a household/home could really be, even more so when other people see that household as a “happy family”. If only they can see what goes on inside. I am the eldest in my current household, I think that it is pretty draining, you have the younger siblings looking up to you while you want your younger siblings to be nothing like you. 

Parents that set overachieving standards suck- it sucks more when you can’t really stick up for yourself and speak up. It feels like being walked on and it really is a terrible feeling, it is so mentally and emotionally draining and takes a lot out of you.

[undead-venus]

First post

Welcome to the shit show, all of this started off as an idea while I was journaling today and I decided I would also make a blog. I assume that people who have had some childhood trauma would relate to the things I write. Hopefully they do, this is a place where we can all heal together. My dms are open to the people who would like to talk, whether you are struggling or just need someone to talk to.