💭☕️

A collection of late-night musings, half-finished thoughts, and words left unsaid✨

[utteredinsilence]

And when I die, please bury me in my warmest sweater, with my hair brushed neat and my favorite watch. I have a long-awaited walk to take, and so much to tell my dad.

[utteredinsilence]

But when you lose someone, you don't lose them all at once, and their dying doesn't stop with their death. You lose them a thousand times in a thousand ways. You say a thousand goodbyes. You hold a thousand funerals.

-Sara Seager, The Smallest Lights in the Universe: A Memoir

[utteredinsilence]

[utteredinsilence]

google search:

“how to stop experiencing anticipatory grief when this world has taken so much from me already”

[utteredinsilence]

What is your worst fear?

Mine is waking up someday in the future and realizing it was not worth it. It was not worth surviving, just to end up here.

But I can’t say that so instead I say, “heights”.

[utteredinsilence]

Grief is an amputation, but hope is incurable hemophilia: you bleed and bleed and bleed.

[utteredinsilence]

I knew that it was cruel to be so optimistic, but, in my solitude, I couldn't resist the urge and spent entire days basking in idiotic fantasies, sometimes verging on prayer.

[utteredinsilence]

do you ever feel like you're just sort of

there

like all your friends go out and do things and get into relationships and people like them back and they have fun and do stupid things with their best friends. And instead of doing all that you're just sort of this mildly entertaining thing that people take an interest in once in a while but they wouldn't really care if it was gone

like you just sort of exist but you don't really mean anything….

[utteredinsilence]

Dear reader,

Something inside me has soured. I don’t say that for pity—I say it because I don’t know who I am anymore. It feels like I’ve been hollowed out quietly, like rot beneath polished wood. I laugh, I speak, I move, but none of it feels like me. My mind is a ruined house with lights flickering in rooms no one lives in. And the worst part? I think hope saw all this and left without saying goodbye.

Yours,

What’s left of me

[utteredinsilence]

you're a mess of good intentions gone wrong. you strike a match on yourself to keep others warm, and now the whole goddamn world's on fire. you try to put it out, and you try so hard. the dam breaks, and the waters of your sorrow pour free. you are sorry; so very, very sorry- and you will drown everyone to prove it.

— m.a.w; the hero who couldn't save anyone

[utteredinsilence]

In another universe, I fight. I fight tooth and nail for what I want, claw my way into opportunities until my fingertips bleed, argue until my tongue is numb, scream until my voice no longer sounds my own.

I'm not a meek eldest daughter terrified of being perceived by others as anything other than “perfect”.

In another universe, I am a girl that isn't just heard but listened to by the world.

[utteredinsilence]

they never tell you how brutal the shift is—from classrooms with assigned seats and familiar faces, to crowded lecture halls where no one knows your name. college isn't just a new chapter, it's this sort of chasm, something so infinitely huge. suddenly, you're surrounded by people but lonelier than ever, learning how to pretend you're okay when you're not. and the hardest part isn’t even being alone but rather realizing that you don’t even feel like you anymore. because once you've lost the version of yourself that used to feel real, it takes everything in you to rebuild that person. and some days, it’s hard to even want to.

[utteredinsilence]

“I wish there were a way to know when the last time is the last time—while it’s still happening. The last time you step through the door of your childhood home, the last time you kiss someone you love, the last time you ever see them. Because if I had known, I would’ve made sure it wasn’t the last. Or at the very least, I would’ve stayed in that moment just a little longer.”

- the last time // m.e.k.

[utteredinsilence]

تخيّلتك دواي وصرت جرحي الصعب يا خلي

I thought you were my remedy but you've turned out to be my deadliest wound, my love.

[utteredinsilence]

لا شيء أقسي على الروح من رائحة الاحلام و هي تتبخر

Nothing is harder on the soul, than the smell of dreams, while they're evaporating.

—Mahmoud Darwish

[utteredinsilence]

just a casual reminder that—

not everyone who shares their struggles with you actually values your comfort in return. some just need a witness to their drama—not a solution, not care, just an audience. they will pull you into their storms just to blame you for the rain. they’ll hand you a script where they’re the wounded hero and you’re the villain—and make sure blame lands anywhere but on themselves. pay attention to patterns, not performances.

The quiet lesson? Not every connection is meant to stay—some are just passing teachers showing you what to avoid next time.

[utteredinsilence]

i don’t get how people can hate the rain? like…. the ocean came all this way to give the world tiny kisses and you treat her like this?!

i love the rain. she cries for the sky the way I never could for myself.