Witch Mother

[w1tchm0ther]

I want to write something

But I can't.

I have so much to say, so many thoughts and feelings. Occupying my mind, heart and soul. It needs out, out, OUT. But it is just stuck.

It feels suffocating, not being able to express myself. Rich of my brain, too, as I have already expressed myself for 90 minutes today - and rather eloquently, too. So has the well run dry?

I don't want it to run dry. Usually, the more I utter my thoughts and the more I create and write, the more flow is my companion and keeps me going and going and going. I miss it.

I also know it'll be back. But I want to have it with me right now. I want to create. I want to write. I want to write so much that I forget the world exists around me, even when I'm writing about the world and what exists in it.

Maybe I need that mental health walk. I also need more sleep than I'm getting. Daylight may be the cure today, who knows. A nap would be nice. But my bed is... occupied. Can I reassemble my sofa now? Gosh, I would love a nap on that sofa right now. Hm.

A combination of things will do the trick, surely. Yeah, let's try that.

[w1tchm0ther]

Obsidian League

Maaaaan... Those people in the Obsidian League on Duolingo REALLY want that top spot! There's this guy who's at almost 7.5k XP in this first day of the week - and year! - and I... may not be that ambitious, but who knows. I do want to move on.

Why yes, I've rediscovered my love for learning languages. I'm diving deeper into French; or rather I'm making sure my foundations are right. And I'm learning Arabic.

[w1tchm0ther]

I hate to say it but...

...winter is coming.

(And I absolutely LOVE to say it! :D)

[w1tchm0ther]

Waking up from the Christmas miracle

You know what I like? That more and more people are waking up to capitalism and consumerism. To the systems that bind us to productivity and money. With that, a whole lot of people are giving up on Christmas.

More than ever, I've seen people opting out of traditional Christmas this year. Sure, there is some gift giving or some trees being put up. But overall, especially if there aren't any children involved, people are tired of a Christmas that takes over several months of the year, brings people together who don't even like each other and makes them spend the majority of their November, December AND January funds.

Now, I also have personal beef with the fact that in "Western", so called "modern", societies we pretend to separate the state from religion and then let a religious holiday take over a full quarter of our year. But I reckon that'll have to be another post.

What makes me happy is that more people are realising what a shitshow it is to buy more stuff that will be tossed in some corner come the end of this week. Stuff we don't need. Stuff nobody needs. Nobody needs another shower gel, another hand cream or some other nonsense skincare product that you bought in a set because it was advertised as cheaper or even a "bargain". Is it a bargain if you buy it for me and I throw it away immediately because it wreaks havoc on my skin? Or is it the biggest waste of time, money and resources (read: our environment) just to feel like you've done your duty by me?

I love that people are waking up. I love that Christmas is becoming less of a thing for more and more people. And I hate that it is taking its fucking time and there are still millions of people believing and living the lie. I also hate that we are encouraged to celebrate baby Jesus' birthday when his literal birthplace - and the people living on his homeland - are being bombed into oblivion. And we're watching on phones for whose batteries people in the Democratic Republic of Congo have to die. The irony.

[w1tchm0ther]

So many thoughts

So many feelings. So much to do and nothing can be done.

My mind at 1,000 miles an hour.

My body. Numb.

Burnt out. Weak.

Unknown to me.

Unaccepted.

So many thoughts racing through my mind.

Good thoughts, bad thoughts, in between thoughts.

So many things I want to

✨manifest✨

The everyday.

The extraordinary.

The old, the new, the so long waited for.

Yet here I sit, exhausted.

Will I make it out of here alive?

No.

Noone ever will.

We're dying, every day.

Living is dying and being reborn.

Every day.

So many thoughts.

[w1tchm0ther]

What do I want?

Every time I ask myself this question, the answer is the same: I don't know.

The first few times I asked this question openly, the answers were clear. Posed by society. From a lower working class family, I wanted more. And I got more. Starting with getting my driving licence. As the first and only one in the family. To this day, even. Then higher education. A Bachelor's, a Master's degree. A corporate career. 12 years starting over and over again because I couldn't see that world for what it was and desperately wanted to succeed in it. So much. Every end to a job felt like my life was ending. I couldn't bear it. And I felt relieved. Every time.

The times I asked this questions over the past 10 years, the answer was always the same: I don't know. Now, lately the general direction has been clearer. So saying I don't know today doesn't mean the same as it did 10 years ago.

When I say I don't know today what I mean is that I feel afraid. I have so much fear inside of me that it has started overflowing. It keeps me from doing things. Yes, there are physical constraints that hold me back from stuff, but that's not the whole story. The fear has gone so far that it is manifesting in my body, too.

My back is stiff. It's not from anything I've done. It's from that fear. I've had enough time and space to come to this conclusion. The fear is stuck in my body and I'd say I don't know how to get it out. But I do. The answer is to meet the fear, to feel it, embrace it and integrate it. I have to make friends with it and then walk alongside it, through it.

On the other side, I know what's waiting. I know it takes time to get there. I know it takes tenacity. Patience. That it's worth it.

I know I'm strong enough. Right now? I don't feel that way. I feel weak and alone and vulnerable and exposed and I'm not used to those feelings. Or at least I'm not used to face them. I'm used to bury them. Create shadows out of them. No more. I'm so done with shadows.

I want THEM exposed. So they no longer hold me back. So we grow together and make this next chapter happen.

Goodbye, old me.

[w1tchm0ther]

Shadow work - back to the roots

I've started integrating a sexual shadow these past two days and it has been illuminating. Now, I haven't tackled the roots of the attached shame yet. I have identified them and know they need attention, yes. But I haven't delved into the depth of it yet.

Fuck off, shame

What I have done, though, is doing away with the shame in the moment. For my fantasies and my desires. At first, I've just observed the shame coming up. It manifests as a pressure headache in my forehead. One that causes feeling nauseous, too. Pretty grim. It required some painkillers.

That was interesting. From there, I did it all again and refused to be ashamed. That's harder than it sounds. With nobody to watch me or asking for a report afterwards (ha! can you imagine?!), it's also really hard to feel ashamed. I mean, shame comes from other people's judgements, right? Sometimes it's useful, for example if we've done something bad. Sprinkle a little guilt in there, too, for good measure. Other times it's completely useless, like in my own bedroom on my own, just with my thoughts. Given that my phone is off this week, I don't even have that to observe me. And you bet your arse I am not taking the laptop as another screen into the bedroom now that I have banished the phone again finally.

No witness, no shame

Anyway, without witnesses there cannot be shame. In theory anyway. Because in practice, we're judging ourselves thanks to our conditioning. Despite my grandma being quite the promiscuous one in her own youth, she instilled shame in me around masturbation - or anything sex really - from a VERY young age. Yep, I've been playing with myself for a long time. What can I say. My Pluto is in the fifth house.

So that shame - and some attached guilt for breaking her rules - sits DEEP inside of me. It's super hard to get rid of. So, when I refused to feel ashamed, there was a whole lot of resistance. I did it anyway and added some more extras. It was divine. And ended with the pressure headache being a little less intense. I call that a win.

Rebirth

Afterwards, I decided to feel good. And, you know, take another painkiller. It worked! Oh, I felt so good I fell in love with myself all over again. That hasn't happened for a hot minute! What next? Yep, another round. Yep, another added feature.

Of course there were breaks! I need to eat, the dog needs walking, I need a shower and so on. My mind, though? Was preoccupied for a solid 36 hours. Still is, to be fair. I think I'm ovulating.

Straight after, there was no shame, just bliss. What an achievement! Right now, I feel that weird pressure just above my temples. So there's some shame left. That has to be addressed with some deeper work, which I'll be diving into this weekend. Most probably anyway. Shadow work is exhausting; even if it is fun like this one. So I may do it some other time. Although it will be soon because I feel like I've gained some momentum.

[w1tchm0ther]

Being with me feels good

The week away from human interaction feels like it's doing what it's supposed to. I'd even stay away from shops, but I really want some chocolate. :D

I'm crying a lot. Happy tears, sad tears, angry tears, grateful tears. A lot of tears, basically. Just the way a Cancer Rising is supposed to. I'm doing my birth chart proud this week.

I'm by myself a lot

But I'm rarely WITH myself. Really with me. Listening to my every thought - that's exhausting, do not recommend! xD - and every feeling. Letting it all run through my body. Shaking or dancing sometimes. Rocking back and forth other times. Taking in my surroundings. Both inside the house and when I'm on the dog walk. Seeing everything clearly, not through a lense of what I need to take pictures of. For the gram or otherwise. I mean, the heron yesterday morning was really cool and I wish I DID have a picture, but I'm sure I'll see it again.

Long story longer... living alone means I'm by myself most of the time. And I enjoy every second. Yet being with myself like this week feels very special. As if I'm meeting a long lost friend and we get to catch up.

I need way more of this

Here's my plan that I hope will work. I want to work one week, have a week off to myself (like this week), then work another week and then have a week off to meet friends and go out there *GesturesWildly*. Then I want to have three, ideally four, months a year completely off of work (not consecutively). Just time for myself, my friends and for living without the pressure of producing anything. Content or otherwise.

In some ways, that may require a little more work when I am working because I would want to schedule some content. I know I technically don't have to, but I enjoy doing it and I love when it keeps ticking along even when I'm not there to witness it all.

In other ways, it will nourish my soul so much that I'll probably tap into my creativity way more than I do now. Well, I haven't really been tapping in at all. If I wasn't producing for the sake of producing, I numbed myself with social media, Netflix and other pursuits that aren't helpful or supportive for me.

Processing shit

One thing that happens in these times and will happen more is processing shit I have shoved so far down it breaks out violently sometimes. Even physically. There has been one thing already coming up and I'm still resisting it, but I know it's really time to get it out. Or rather in. To integrate it like the shadow it has become for me. I feel terrified but also excited. I'll be back with the results at some point. Probably in May.

The terror I feel also comes from not knowing what else I might uncover once I've processed the obvious things that I've shoved away. What else is underneath that? Even deeper and more unconscious? Will it destroy me? (Probably not.) How will it affect me? (Massively is my guess.) And how will I integrate it?

[w1tchm0ther]

The landscapers are pissing me off

Seriously, capitalism destroys everything. If it wasn't for making more money, the property management company for my road would not constantly mow grass and trim hedges and blow away NON EXISTING LEAVES!!! It's because the landlords (what a shit word and a thing that needs to be abolished!) here need a one-stop solution and clearly don't trust their tenants. I haven't even brought up the topic with mine (who is not an arsehole, I've won the landlord lottery!) because I know his Britishness will not allow him to raise anything with the company or trust me. Ugh.

Why does this piss me off so much? Well, for one, it is noisy as fuck. I can't bear it. It fucks with me for the whole three hours they're here. They also leave everything messy, so I have to clean up after them. Including my door, especially when it has rained before they mowed the grass.

It also keeps bees away. Just as the first dandelions and daisies are coming up, they cut it all down. Contributing to the death of bees. It may seem small to you. What can one road in London contribute to the climate crisis? But it's not just one road, is it? It is all the roads. So, so many of them. In London and in villages. I've seen it in many places. The constant landscaping, with fire and chemicals in the most extreme cases, doesn't do any good. It just makes it all look sterile.

What they don't do here? Provide us with recycling bins. They have finally removed fridges and some other bullshit that people (have I mentioned I hate people? Love humanity, though!) left in the rubbish shelters. Put the compost bins back up (which are never emptied; I've checked and it's been over 18 months) and now took one of the general waste bins out of order without replacing it. When I requested a recycling container from the Council, they told me to shove it because I live in a flat (maisonette, please! :P) and not in a house, so I have no business requesting one. What the ACTUAL fuck?

Oh, I feel like an old lady complaining about the everyday things because I have nothing else to worry about and need to get involved in other people's business. But it's not that. It's a genuine concern for the environment. This happening on such a small scale means that much larger things are happening on a grand scale. The oppression through capitalism knows no bounds and I'm done with it. I will find a way to get this bullshit changed in my local community. And then I'll find a way to lobby for the greater issues. My local MP is probably already quite annoyed with me for all those emails I'm sending her. But I'm about to get so much more annoying.

Anyway, can you tell it's my first day *offline* from social media and my phone and I have the capacity to think about these things again and articulate them? Yeah, feels good. I need more of this.

[w1tchm0ther]

Feeling feelings

Feeling feelings is hard. Especially when you hid from them for a considerable amount of time.

This week - and for another three days - has been grief week. A week in February, in which I deliberately take time off to allow all the feelings. I try to allow them every day anyway, but this week is an added extra. And I've decided to take at least one week off most months. To feel my feelings, yes. But also to just BE. Easier said than done.

Anyway, how do we feel our feelings? On a day to day basis, I let feelings rush through me when they arise. Rarely, I will put them aside to come back to later that evening. When I have put aside time and space to let feelings roam freely, I do one of two things.

I sit there staring at a wall and let my thoughts and feelings run. I try to be present and do my best not to try and numb anything by picking up a device. Usually, I will also have my phone switched off, so that I can't even get any ideas. Yep, that part is HARD. You'd be surprised how many times we pick up our phones out of habit and because we want to numb our feelings or not think of something. Or someone for that matter. It's way more often than what I thought it would be. Sometimes nothing happens and I may think myself into a headache. Often, though, a lot of feelings come up in a short space of time and I let them move through me. That means I may have to cry or laugh or get up and move my body or hide under my blanket and hug myself tightly.

If I feel sadness or grief - can be any other feeling, but these often hide deepest - and I can't seem to get it moving, I will watch or listen to something that'll get me crying. Yep, I deliberately make myself cry. That helps me release those feelings. Even more so, it always helps me identify the source of the sadness, the grief. Which in turn leads to a more thorough cry session. This process takes hours and sometimes days with waves of crying uncontrollably. Puffy eyes and all. At the end? I feel relief and solace and freedom.

The point of all this is telling myself - and you - that feeling your feelings is a process that will never end. Grief comes in waves; as do all other feelings. I'm committed to feel them all. Are you?

[w1tchm0ther]

I don't know what to write

I feel empty of words. It's like I spoke them all and now I can't find any more. They're just gone.

Where do I go to find more words? Within? I looked, there are none. So, what now? Do I just not speak or write for a while?

I've been doing that anyway and it doesn't seem to work. In fact, it got worse. The more I speak, the less I write. Even though I have so much more to say when I'm done speaking and my tongue is tired. My fingers could take over but they don't.

They need direction. Direction I cannot give them. So I just randomly type out the thoughts in my head. In a way, that's how it always went.

[w1tchm0ther]

Let's talk about the weather

Look. I'm not going (too deep) into climate change, even though it is the reason for what is happening at the moment. I also want to say that I feel quite British, even though I'm not, to talk about the weather online, but here we are.

So, I live in London, which is in the South East of the UK. And it is not called the Big Smoke for nothing. There is a dome of smog on the city that keeps us nice and warm throughout the year. Snow, especially the staying kind, is barely ever a possibility. Which is a problem.

Not just for the world in general, as it is clearly a symptom of the climate crisis we're in. But for me personally. I cannot exist without proper cold. I need an actual WINTER. Especially with the summers we've had the past few years that saw temperatures hitting 40°C. I cannot thrive in those conditions. I simply exist in those weeks. So at the very least I need a really fucking cold winter to balance that. And I'm not getting it.

When I tell you those seven days (in total, not even consecutively) of temperatures down to -6°C in the past few weeks were HEAVEN on Earth for me! It was pure bliss. That's what I need - yes, despite the greed crisis that has energy prices soaring - and that's what I think we all need. We need seasons. At least if your coordinates are similar to mine in the Northern hemisphere.

I need four seasons a year. Maybe five, being (North-West) German also means I like my carnival... Four seasons: Spring, summer, autumn and winter. I've come to love them all, although I do have a favourite. But what is happening right now with temperatures climbing towards 10°C again? That's not winter. No matter how much the British complain about the cold these days.

My question for you: Am I the only one? Do you also need all four seasons and if you do: Do you get them where you are?

[w1tchm0ther]

Silence

The silence is interrupted by the washing machine. And rush hour. The closed road bringing cars in. The planes flying a little more loudly. The birds barely audible. It's all good. I am safe. I feel safe. It's all good. Life is good.

[w1tchm0ther]

Aaaaand I got bored

Well, well, well. If it isn't the same old boredom after three days of doing something.

Last night, when I went to bed for my first phase (of two) of sleeping, I found it extremely annoying. I felt like it was taking away from my day. When it really wasn't, I was watching Netflix and getting tired! Nonetheless, here I lay in bed - with Netflix for the first 15 minutes - feeling incredibly annoyed.

I then got up at 1 am, because needs must and the dog needs a walk. He didn't exactly wanted one, but his bladder begs to differ. So, out we went for a few minutes. Came back, he got a treat and I got back to bed. To reduce the chances of waking up completely (#iykyk), I did none of my washing or skincare. Yep, you read that right. I went to bed DIRTY. 🤣

And it worked. I fell asleep again. Until about 6.50 am this morning. That's a win in my books. Now to make it through the day without getting tired around 8 pm again. If it came to it, I would allow myself a nap during the day. But I won't go to bed for my night sleep any time before 11 pm. That will ensure sleep until at least 6 am. Fingers crossed this actually happens.

Will I go back to biphasic sleep? Yep, pretty sure I will. Does it work for me today? Nope, today I'd feel too annoyed to make it work. All this to say that I'm giving myself permission to change my mind and my way of doing things. Every day if I need to. This whole structure and rhythm thing needs to work for me, not for others. The past few days, that's what's worked for me. Today, this is what works for me. Living and learning.

[w1tchm0ther]

I had never owned a winter coat

Until a few weeks ago, I had never owned a winter coat in my adult life. The last coat I remember buying was a trench in 2010. Yep, that's 13 years ago. And I wore it until it basically fell apart. By no means, though, was it ever fit for winter. More of a spring or autumn coat.

The reasons for my lack of winter coats are manyfold, but I think there are two main ones: My body size and my financial situation.

Being fat in a fatphobic society is no joke. Everyone thinks they get to comment on your body and how to improve it. As if I asked. Or worse, didn't know what I looked like! I'm baffled by the sheer ignorance of these people. Anyway, there aren't a lot of winter coats in my size out there. There have never been. Today, there is a bit of a selection online of coats that actually fit. You know, one where the zipper closes and you're actually getting the most important thing out of the coat: Being warm and sheltered from the moods of nature.

Then there is the lack of money. Coats are EXPENSIVE. Now, £60 may not be a lot to many people, especially not if you consider that a coat is usually good for a few years. To me, currently, that is completely out of the question. That would mean a month without food. So, when I had a little more income available last November and Black Friday hit the online shops, I got lucky and found a winter coat. Now, it is not the colour I wanted (even though I love the colour) because, you know, fat, but it is everything else I have ever dreamt of in a winter coat.

And it is magic. Pure. Magic. It made me take on a dog walk in the rain the other day. I was completely dry underneath! (Don't ask my dog how he liked the walk, though...) Then today, it is quite windy around where I live and there's been a - more or less constant - drizzle all day. Again, even after deciding it would only be a quick one because of the weather, I spontaneously took the long walk anyway. Because I was safely tucked into my coat. Magic.

[w1tchm0ther]

Why do I get bored so easily?

This is one of the main reasons why resolutions and many strategies don't work for me. I get SO fucking bored SO bloody quickly. Take the daily dog walk.

I live by a stadium and there is a stream (they call it a river...) right behind it with a lovely little path. There are ducks and moorhens, squirrels and sometimes mice and rats, which I like and find cute if they stay outside. Making my way around it takes around half an hour and it is generally a gorgeous walk.

Until I have to do it every day. Of course I don't have to walk along there every day, but that is pretty much the only round that is doable, fairly quiet and doesn't take over an hour. Walking back and forth does my head in completely, so I despise the other options around here.

So here I am, implementing my morning rituals, one of which is this walk, and I feel SO bored by it. It's always the same, especially that part along the road where HUMANS cross your path, too. No, just no.

Now, being the mindful witch that I am, I can see different things every day and it does change slightly, so my argument about it being the same seems a bit daft. It also feels like I'm actually avoiding an underlying issue that has nothing to do with the walk itself. Or the surroundings, for that matter.

I think that I get bored so easily in all areas of my life because I feel terrified of stability, which is something I've never really experienced. My childhood home felt volatile for the most part, even though it was probably the safest and most stable part of my life. Ever since, things kept falling apart over and over again; especially financially. And now that some sort of stability is creeping in (we still live in Struggletown, but something's coming together), I feel a very familiar itch that wants scratching. The one that needs upheaval and chaos. When that is the last thing that I ever want to go back to. It's tiring. It has to be over.

So, that's my dilemma. I'll be looking into that more as I move through January and February. Because another one of my intentions? Dedicating one day a month to shadow work. Cheers to you witnessing it in real time!

[w1tchm0ther]

Biphasic sleep - a lesson in manifestation

Here's something I've always suspected but never known for sure: The way we sleep is unnatural! Those eight hours (ish) at night all in one go? A phenomenon that was a side effect of industrialisation. Mind. Blown.

According to sleepfoundation.org, biphasic sleep is

a sleep pattern in which a person splits their sleep into two main segments per day.

So, according to researchers' hypotheses artifical lighting and modern work patterns led to monophasic (i.e. what Western society considers "normal") sleep patterns. When before the industrialisation, everyone slept in two main chunks.

WHAT?!

I remember reading about this years ago and dismissing it. I was well and truly conditioned to believe all the nonsense that is being spoonfed to us by mass media every day. Even the article I linked dismisses biphasic sleep with many more disadvantages - and more serious sounding ones - in favour of capitalism.

The past few weeks a new sleep pattern started evolving for me. One in which I would get tired early in the evening, needed to lie down for about 2.5 hours, would then be up for a few more hours and would then go back to sleep to get up in the morning. When I tell you I was annoyed! Even that is an understatement. All I wanted was a *proper* sleep cycle, so when I would start work again next week, I would have figured it all out.

How this is manifestation at its best

A few more days until I start working again after my break and I've got nothing figured out. But I also got annoyed with myself about beating myself up for something that simply happened. Something my body naturally gravitates towards. So today I looked it up and had a massive realisation.

I had asked for this. One of my intentions, following the witch path and healing the witch wound, has been to live more in tune with nature. Remembering I'm part of nature. Flowing through life. Well, guess what?! That also means my sleep. And it has now literally gone back to what is natural for humans. Again, my mind is blown.

The lesson here? Be careful what you wish for. 😅 In hindsight, I actually feel quite pleased with myself and will now lean into this unfamiliar sleep pattern. What else would I be creating this life and business for if not to experience life the way I want to and the way it's intended to be?