I Make No Guarantees For My Coherency

I post things I like. See if we like some of the same things | 23 | f | 'bout as straight as a hair pin (goes both ways and has a couple of kinks) (p.s also sometimes I talk about my feelings)

[hellm0uths-relocated-deactivate]

*pulls up to the fanfic drive-thru window* uh yeah, i’ll take a fake relationship with a side of mutual pining and thinking the other isn’t interested, thanks

[nextraordinaire]

#*bored author’s voice over the tannoy* d'you want fluff with that? (via @amarriageoftrueminds)

[dealanexmachina]

#sure and if you can throw in an extra “sharing one bed” trope, that would be great.

[lolcat76]

How much is it to supersize to smut?

[kremblor]

So if you get smut and fluff from a drive thru where do you go for angst and dark?

[captaincrusher]

That you order from the guy in the trenchcoat in the alley. “You want angst? I got angst”

[waiteverybodyhide]

I got your Angst, your Heartbreak, your post apocalyptic AU’s where your favourite cinnamon rolls become their darkest selves. Not quite your scene? I see that glint in your eye, I know what you’re looking for…

*shiftily checks for pasers by and pulls well worn briefcase from behind a dumpster*

[radishnt]

which one of u was going to tell me that tea tastes different if u put it in hot water?

[mothman-misato]

y- you were putting it in cold water?????

[boimgfrog]

Radish. Answer the question radish.

[radishnt]

yeah??? i thought for like. 5 years that ppl just put it in hot water 2 speed up the tea-ification process didn’t realize there was an actual reason

[boimgfrog]

You dont have the patience to microwave water for 3 minutes???

[catsnraincoats]

[ID: Tags reading “u think i have the patience to boil water wtf ?????” /End ID]

why are you. putting it in the microwave to boil it

[boimgfrog]

Do you think I have the patience to boil water on the stove

[catsnraincoats]

Its takes less than a minute

[boimgfrog]

Bestie is ur stovetop powered by the fucking sun

[catsnraincoats]

How long does it take you to boil a cup of water on the stove

[boimgfrog]

Like seven minutes

[catsnraincoats]

Just stick the mug on top of the stove on medium heat n it boils in like two minutes… less than that is u use a saucepan…

[boimgfrog]

Crying you’re putting the whole mug on the stove ???? On medium heat???? Ur stove is enchanted

[pidoop]

Every single person in this post is a fucking lunatic

[silverjirachi]

Yet another post that reads like four shakespeare characters who come out in the middle of the play to talk about something completely unrelated for comic relief

[wizardlyghost]

(Enter RADISHN’T, MOTHMAN MISATO, BOIMG FROG and CATS'N RAINCOATS, stage left. They are having a HEATED DISCUSSION.)

RADISHN’T: Prithee, which one of you had planned to tell

Of diff'rent flavours gained by simple act

Of brewing tea with water hot, not cold?

MOTHMAN: Egad! you poured the water cold? Wherefore?!

FROG: An answer from you, Radish, I must beg.

RADISHN’T: Indeed I did, dear friends - why does this shock?

Without the guide of others I assumed

That heat was merely added for the sake

Of expediting this solution’s brewing!

Half a decade I have spent, or more,

Not questioning this worldview I had made.

In fact, I am myself a bit surprised

That you might think that I, your dearest friend,

Might have a patience of sufficient stock

To wait until a pot of water boils.

FROG: Three minutes overtaxes patience so?

The microwave will beep when it is done!

CATS'N: My friend, this answer vexes me the more!

Can it be true that thou dost boil by nuke?!

FROG: Are you in turn, my friend, so shocked to know

That I have not the patience, like our Root,

To boil upon the stove our favour’d drink?

CATS'N: It takes less than a minute!

FROG: On what plate?

Perhaps your dinner cooks atop the sun?

CATS'N: How long can take your stove to fill the task

Of boiling but a single cup alone?

FROG: In minutes?

CATS'N: Yes!

FROG: I counted seven, once.

CATS'N: Perhaps you ought to have your timepiece checked!

If on a middle heat you place the cup

You soon will have the scalding drink you crave.

Two minutes, in a mug upon the plate

Or even less, if you should have a pot.

FROG: You cause me tears - is this how thou dost live?

You place upon the iron stove a mug?

A mug, ceramic, filled with water cold?

How do these flames, though medium in height,

Not shatter like a glass this fragile thing?

Surely, then, your kitchen is bewitched

With magicks far beyond the mortal ken!

(The FOUR realise they have wandered into the THRONE ROOM. The ROYAL COURT watches with fascination.)

KING: Ev'ry single person in this group must be a fucking lunatic, it seems.

[elodieunderglass]

[dustyxoverture]

I’m sorry but the THOUGHT that has been put into this, I actually CAN’T—

The fact that nearly every line is so metrically considered- near perfect iambic pentameter witb the occasional trochee for emphasis, but usually retaining a strong sense of rhythm nonetheless. And then the king comes in at the end, so wound in his disbelief that his response is reduced to prose.

And the even better thing about this is how easy it would have been to structure the king’s line into iambic pentameter: it is effectively already said as such because of the way wizardlyghost has phrased it, yet they haven’t!! They did not break the line, rendering what, by all typically of both Shakespearean canon and other periods context should be the character with the most command and authority in the whole play. If there was ever a more effective way to convey a genuine “what the fuck??”, I know of it not.

But it gets better!! Shakespeare regularly uses meter in order to represent class divide; the nobility usually speak in iambic pentameter, save for a few particularly chosen moments (e.g. Lady Macbeth’s descent into madness, Othello’s realisation of Desdemona’s “betrayal”) or just lines where Shakespeare needs to suggest high emotion or when a character is lost in thought. Supernatural characters like the fairies in A Midsummer Night’s Dream and the Witches in Macbeth usually speak in trochaic tetrameter, an inversion of iambic pentameter. Lower class characters, particularly those used for comic relief (usually under the influence of alcohol), speak with no structure at all: their language is plain prose. Therefore, if this is a conversation between these types of characters, as the prompt from silvergirachi suggests, why the hell are the characters speaking so eloquently???

Now, this is Tumblr. It is subsequently logical to assume that this may have merely been a humorous recreation (and a very good one at that) of the Shakespearean style in a way that is widely recognisable to an audience that may or may not have read a great deal of Shakespeare, which is understandable. However, logic is boring so I’m going to probe further into this to the point where future historians will look to this as an example of overanalysing.

The inherent eloquence of the characters here suggests an unusual subversion of the roles typically assumed in Shakespearean comedy. This could be interpreted along two major avenues: firstly, that the rhetoric displayed by the speakers is fundamentally representative of how truth can be expected even from the most seemingly pointless or ludicrous discussions. Furthermore, it could suggest that it matters not how well constructed your speeches are: if you talk bullshit, it’s going to sound that way despite your attempts to hide it.

This is similar but not identical to the second avenue of interpretation: there is the implication that the noblemen in the play are in fact the comic relief characters, therefore implying that the “common people” of the play are the ones whose influence, though not expressed in such a highly spoken manner, makes a lot more sense than whatever the hell this is. If this was a real Shakespeare play, I would call it a subtle exploration into the innate corruption of the rich and powerful. Well done, op.

Now, I doubt any of this is actually grounded analysis in any way, shape or form, but if someone else can take this to the extremes of writing a Shakespearean scene, why can I not analyse it as such? And where else to do so than Tumblr?

[wizardlyghost]

im in tears i didnt think anyone would put this much analysis into this‚ thank you so much

[radishnt]

which one of u was going to tell me that tea tastes different if u put it in hot water?

[mothman-misato]

y- you were putting it in cold water?????

[boimgfrog]

Radish. Answer the question radish.

[radishnt]

yeah??? i thought for like. 5 years that ppl just put it in hot water 2 speed up the tea-ification process didn’t realize there was an actual reason

[boimgfrog]

You dont have the patience to microwave water for 3 minutes???

[catsnraincoats]

[ID: Tags reading “u think i have the patience to boil water wtf ?????” /End ID]

why are you. putting it in the microwave to boil it

[boimgfrog]

Do you think I have the patience to boil water on the stove

[catsnraincoats]

Its takes less than a minute

[boimgfrog]

Bestie is ur stovetop powered by the fucking sun

[catsnraincoats]

How long does it take you to boil a cup of water on the stove

[boimgfrog]

Like seven minutes

[catsnraincoats]

Just stick the mug on top of the stove on medium heat n it boils in like two minutes… less than that is u use a saucepan…

[boimgfrog]

Crying you’re putting the whole mug on the stove ???? On medium heat???? Ur stove is enchanted

[pidoop]

Every single person in this post is a fucking lunatic

[silverjirachi]

Yet another post that reads like four shakespeare characters who come out in the middle of the play to talk about something completely unrelated for comic relief

[wizardlyghost]

(Enter RADISHN’T, MOTHMAN MISATO, BOIMG FROG and CATS'N RAINCOATS, stage left. They are having a HEATED DISCUSSION.)

RADISHN’T: Prithee, which one of you had planned to tell

Of diff'rent flavours gained by simple act

Of brewing tea with water hot, not cold?

MOTHMAN: Egad! you poured the water cold? Wherefore?!

FROG: An answer from you, Radish, I must beg.

RADISHN’T: Indeed I did, dear friends - why does this shock?

Without the guide of others I assumed

That heat was merely added for the sake

Of expediting this solution’s brewing!

Half a decade I have spent, or more,

Not questioning this worldview I had made.

In fact, I am myself a bit surprised

That you might think that I, your dearest friend,

Might have a patience of sufficient stock

To wait until a pot of water boils.

FROG: Three minutes overtaxes patience so?

The microwave will beep when it is done!

CATS'N: My friend, this answer vexes me the more!

Can it be true that thou dost boil by nuke?!

FROG: Are you in turn, my friend, so shocked to know

That I have not the patience, like our Root,

To boil upon the stove our favour’d drink?

CATS'N: It takes less than a minute!

FROG: On what plate?

Perhaps your dinner cooks atop the sun?

CATS'N: How long can take your stove to fill the task

Of boiling but a single cup alone?

FROG: In minutes?

CATS'N: Yes!

FROG: I counted seven, once.

CATS'N: Perhaps you ought to have your timepiece checked!

If on a middle heat you place the cup

You soon will have the scalding drink you crave.

Two minutes, in a mug upon the plate

Or even less, if you should have a pot.

FROG: You cause me tears - is this how thou dost live?

You place upon the iron stove a mug?

A mug, ceramic, filled with water cold?

How do these flames, though medium in height,

Not shatter like a glass this fragile thing?

Surely, then, your kitchen is bewitched

With magicks far beyond the mortal ken!

(The FOUR realise they have wandered into the THRONE ROOM. The ROYAL COURT watches with fascination.)

KING: Ev'ry single person in this group must be a fucking lunatic, it seems.

[elodieunderglass]

[dustyxoverture]

I’m sorry but the THOUGHT that has been put into this, I actually CAN’T—

The fact that nearly every line is so metrically considered- near perfect iambic pentameter witb the occasional trochee for emphasis, but usually retaining a strong sense of rhythm nonetheless. And then the king comes in at the end, so wound in his disbelief that his response is reduced to prose.

And the even better thing about this is how easy it would have been to structure the king’s line into iambic pentameter: it is effectively already said as such because of the way wizardlyghost has phrased it, yet they haven’t!! They did not break the line, rendering what, by all typically of both Shakespearean canon and other periods context should be the character with the most command and authority in the whole play. If there was ever a more effective way to convey a genuine “what the fuck??”, I know of it not.

But it gets better!! Shakespeare regularly uses meter in order to represent class divide; the nobility usually speak in iambic pentameter, save for a few particularly chosen moments (e.g. Lady Macbeth’s descent into madness, Othello’s realisation of Desdemona’s “betrayal”) or just lines where Shakespeare needs to suggest high emotion or when a character is lost in thought. Supernatural characters like the fairies in A Midsummer Night’s Dream and the Witches in Macbeth usually speak in trochaic tetrameter, an inversion of iambic pentameter. Lower class characters, particularly those used for comic relief (usually under the influence of alcohol), speak with no structure at all: their language is plain prose. Therefore, if this is a conversation between these types of characters, as the prompt from silvergirachi suggests, why the hell are the characters speaking so eloquently???

Now, this is Tumblr. It is subsequently logical to assume that this may have merely been a humorous recreation (and a very good one at that) of the Shakespearean style in a way that is widely recognisable to an audience that may or may not have read a great deal of Shakespeare, which is understandable. However, logic is boring so I’m going to probe further into this to the point where future historians will look to this as an example of overanalysing.

The inherent eloquence of the characters here suggests an unusual subversion of the roles typically assumed in Shakespearean comedy. This could be interpreted along two major avenues: firstly, that the rhetoric displayed by the speakers is fundamentally representative of how truth can be expected even from the most seemingly pointless or ludicrous discussions. Furthermore, it could suggest that it matters not how well constructed your speeches are: if you talk bullshit, it’s going to sound that way despite your attempts to hide it.

This is similar but not identical to the second avenue of interpretation: there is the implication that the noblemen in the play are in fact the comic relief characters, therefore implying that the “common people” of the play are the ones whose influence, though not expressed in such a highly spoken manner, makes a lot more sense than whatever the hell this is. If this was a real Shakespeare play, I would call it a subtle exploration into the innate corruption of the rich and powerful. Well done, op.

Now, I doubt any of this is actually grounded analysis in any way, shape or form, but if someone else can take this to the extremes of writing a Shakespearean scene, why can I not analyse it as such? And where else to do so than Tumblr?

[wizardlyghost]

im in tears i didnt think anyone would put this much analysis into this‚ thank you so much

[one-time-i-dreamt]

Sandra Oh was a serial killer but she only killed men who disrespected women and all of my friends and I found her in the act and just stood around clapping as she did it.

[waiteverybodyhide]

The killing eve ending we all deserved

[tilthat]

TIL “Yankee Doodle” was written by the British to mock americans. “Doodle” is thought to come from the German “dödel”, meaning “fool” or “simpleton” and “macaroni,” a flamboyantly stylish type of dress, painting the Yankees as morons who thought placing a feather in one’s cap made them a “dandy.”

via reddit.com

[toastpotent-deactivated20250619]

so you’re telling me that “stuck a feather in his hat and called it macaroni” would be like saying “wrote a G on his belt and called it gucci”

[beggars-opera]

that’s…a pretty good analogy actually

[ti-bae-rius]

US moron came to town

Hunting for some coochie

Wrote a G up on his belt

And this bitch called it Gucci

[ti-bae-rius]

Seeing my notifications get flooded with this every July 4th is the only thing I respect about America

[on-the-wings-of-the-tardis-blog]

[normal-horoscopes]

Gnomes of pleasure

[unbakehisbeans]

Gnomes of pain

[normal-horoscopes]

Gnomes of wind and gnomes of rain

[gunsandfireandshit]

Gnomes of wood and gnomes of grass,

Gnomes who'll kick your fucking ass

[nardacci-does-art]

[yandere-angela]

realizing cis women also struggle with “passing” a lot of times and has a lot of the same issues with dysphoria trans women have (issues with putting on/losing weight, dissatisfied with bust size, not feeling “feminine” enough, etc.) has done a lot to combat dysphoria for me, cause it’s like, wow, we really have a lot more in common than we have in difference huh

[yandere-angela]

terfs are starting to find this post, and i gotta say: terfs getting mad at a post that explicitly acknowledges cis women’s struggles and with notes full of cis women agreeing and talking about their own struggles and experiences really speaks volumes about how anti-feminist, and frankly misogynistic, terfs really are, that they don’t even give a shit about cis women’s struggles and experiences

[waiteverybodyhide]

As a cis woman with kinda andro features who's always had short hair if I don't dress like a Girl™️ I get misgendered. If transphobes are getting ya down just remember that I, a cis woman, born with a vagina and 2 x chromosomes have been told that I will never be a real woman.

[pickledangel]

[waiteverybodyhide]

This feels like the perfect home

[cannibalchicken]

[fish-celestialbody-adjective]

[bentrollio]

Hold on I’m Jewish I gotta look some things up

[bentrollio]

Yeah this is pretty funny

[uragshaa]

tricked by a time wizard because i asked him to "keep me in the loop"

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

One of the kids I’m babysitting rn just asked me, “Miss Amy, can I tell you a secret?” and then informed me that his brother does not have blood anymore, because they saw a doctor take it

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

Same kid that attended this Sunday’s church service in full vampire bat costume and screeched loudly anytime someone said his name

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

Update his two year old brother just handed me a partially squished cockroach

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

Today’s secret is “if I carry too many things, I die,” and he definitely, for sure did not tell me that specifically because I asked him to pick up his jacket moments beforehand

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

“Where’s the tiger?” the five year old asks, peering around the zoo. “I don’t see him!”

“Probably he had to get his covid shot,” says the three year old, nodding wisely.

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

How could I possibly forget this exchange

“You can’t play with my skunk,” says the three year old, snatching the toy from the five year old. “Mr. Skunk doesn’t like you.”

“Whoa, whoa,” I say, while driving. “Mr. Skunk likes everyone!”

The three year old makes direct eye contact with me in the rear view mirror. “Except the police,” he says darkly.

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

Overwhelmed! When the five year old learned that I’m having a bad day today, he immediately asked me to take him home so he can “get us a snack and help with whatever you want to do today.”

The three year old has offered to carry all the backpacks into the house, despite his former statements re: dying if asked to carry his own belongings

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

Today the two year old stole the headphones I always wear, put them on upside down, and ran away yelling “hi Babydoll!” over and over, which is in fact how I greet him. I did not come here to be roasted by a toddler

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

I recently put a purple streak in my hair! The three year old says that he loves it. He says he loves my brown hair too, because it’s beautiful. I feel very loved and I am going to bake him cookies about it

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

The three year old has covid (he’s okay), so I won’t be seeing the children this week :(

Here’s another story from last week instead:

“Do you want to come make paper airplanes?” the five year old asks. “I have a book that teaches you how.”

“Sure,” I say, following him upstairs. “I like paper airplanes.”

“It’ll be easy for you,” the five year old assures me, “because you can– wait. Can you read?”

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

The three year old has recovered <3

He’s also a little confused by the phrase “playing a trick,” so if he suspects I’m teasing him, he’ll point and yell “you’re tricking!” instead

Today he told me that I’m “always tricking…… kind of like satan”

I have never in my life laughed this hard

[ms-demeanor]

If you're new here because of the coffee shop post and you're not certain if I'm exaggerating Large Bastard being enormous here is Large Bastard:

Now, this picture is tilted so you might be saying "eh, that's a perspective thing, or perhaps you are actually very small" so here is a photo of Large Bastard at a wedding:

Standing next to us is my dad, who is six feet tall.

[waiteverybodyhide]

Ya know, I've been away from tumblr for a bit, and this blog, specific this post containing an accidental optical illusion that makes a giant human dissappear has convinced me to come back.

[iratetreasure-deactivated202310]

WELLESIAN

[fatsexybitch]

YFIP - Orson Welles

Weaponized SciFi: Produced and broadcast a radio play based on War Of the Worlds by HG Wells that caused (disputed amounts) of nationwide panic

Peaked Early: Co-wrote, produced, directed, and starred in possibly the greatest film ever made at 26, which was a huge box office bomb at the time

Didn't Throw Hitler off a cliff when he had the chance: During a 1970 appearance on The Dick Cavett Show, Welles claimed to have met Hitler while hiking in Austria with a teacher who was a "budding Nazi". He said that Hitler made no impression on him at all and does not remember him. He said that he had no personality at all: "He was invisible. There was nothing there until there were 5,000 people yelling sieg heil."[168]

Could have spared the US McCarthyism: For several years, he wrote a newspaper column on political issues and considered running for the U.S. Senate in 1946, representing his home state of Wisconsin—a seat that was ultimately won by Joseph McCarthy.[166]

Magician (Allegedly): He was a lifelong member of the International Brotherhood of Magicians and the Society of American Magicians.[172]

[ms-demeanor]

Okay so for that last one:

That's Orson Welles in the black tux, my grandfather in the white jacket, and my grandmother who Welles is 'levitating' in this trick.

Again, grandpa in white and Welles in black.

My grandparents leased magic equipment to Welles and contracted to assist with his stage show in Vegas for a 3-7 week run at the Riviera for a hundred bucks a week in 1956.

So, for at least that long, Welles was something of a magician.

[waiteverybodyhide]

Are you a real human being? If so, would you like to be friends

[ms-demeanor]

Sometimes I forget that I really am pretty weird and my experiences are fairly far afield from “normal.”

This girl who I vaguely knew from the coffee shop showed up one day and said she thought her mom had died that morning and I figured she was probably overreacting so I said I’d go check with her and it turns out her mom HAD died but we honestly weren’t sure when it had happened so I lifted her off the bed and attempted CPR and then ended up having to talk to cops and this poor girl’s family for HOURS as she called her dad and brothers and the cops wanted to know if the mom was on any medications or if she had been depressed and I was like “I have no idea, I had literally never met the lady and I don’t even know the family’s last name, the first ever full conversation I had with the daughter was this morning.” And apparently THAT was super suspicious or something.

So anyway that was a rough day and the next day I go into the coffee shop and the manager (who is basically never in) comes over and says “Debbie says you had a rough day yesterday.” And I was like “uh, yeah. It was pretty weird.” And then he was like “Debbie says that you handled it really well. And that you filled out an application to work here a couple weeks ago.” And I was like “I guess?” And he was like “Okay you can do a training shift today and you’re on your own tomorrow. We don’t normally hire people under 21 and we don’t normally hire regulars so don’t fuck up.” (I was 18)

So I started working at the cash-only coffee shop that was patronized exclusively by the weirdest people in town (who had all slept with each other, had no money, and had the most drama of any group I’ve ever been part of) and was used to launder money made by the owner’s cocaine sales for the local gang.

The first shift I worked alone was the next night and when I called the manager and told him one of the regulars had been chasing people out of the parking lot to sell meth the manager told me to ban him so I was like “Hey dude, manager says you’re banned” and he was like “You’re a fucking cunt and I’m going to wait until you’re alone and I’m gonna fucking kill you” and then he drove around the block about twenty times and screamed “cunt” out the window every time he passed by where I was cleaning the patio.

One of the regulars, who was a nearly-seven-foot-tall hacker and gunsmith who worked graveyard in Hollywood, waited around for me to finish closing and then offered to drive me home because otherwise I’d have to walk three miles alone and there was that whole “circling meth dealer” thing going on. I decided to take a chance on getting a ride from tall, dark, and scary and that paid off pretty well because it’s been fifteen years and I’ve been married to that tall weirdo since 2011.

And that’s how I got my first non-porn job.

[ms-demeanor]

#she… #thought… #her mom had died? #and she went for #coffee???

Everyone who hung out at this coffee shop was in some way or another the weirdest person I’ve ever fucking met.

Like the evidence she presented for “I think my mom died this morning” was “She didn’t wave to me like she normally does when I was leaving the house and it didn’t strike me as odd until just now.”

Like that’s why I agreed to go check, I was really pretty sure she was just being paranoid and needed some mental health support not some “Oh god I’m sorry your mom did actually just die and I need to coach you through a 911 call and hold your hand while you tell your dad over the phone that his wife is dead” support.

But then again her mom had been dead for. A PRETTY LONG TIME. By the time I got there. Long enough for blood to pool on the lower part of her body, which I didn’t realize until after I’d moved her off the bed and attempted CPR because the room was very dark and also lined floor-to-ceiling with stacked newspapers and magazines so I didn’t really see what we were dealing with until the girl opened the curtains and I realized that her mom’s face was half green and purple with pooled blood. (I, uh, maybe sometimes still have nightmares about this because the whole thing was note-for-note like a scene out of Se7ev except for shit like her boyfriend and his roommates showing up to comfort her and also hauling along a cat carrier full of very pissed off cat which wasn’t like a scene from Se7en it was just an additional layer of surreality on an already very surreal day - said boyfriend also yelled at me for saying I was going to call another coffee shop regular to come get me because “this family doesn’t need this kind of chaos and attention right now” and I was like “you brought three people here and also I don’t have a car and I’m miles away from home so unless you’re calling me a cab I am getting THE FUCK out of here and this other coffee shop regular is the least likely to cause a scene”)

So there’s a very reasonable possibility that this girl was very, VERY aware that her mom was dead but needed to go get somebody to help her process this and understand that it was real because fuck it, I can see having a little bit of a mental break and needing to GET AWAY and get another, potentially saner, human to verify before I started really internalizing what had happened in that situation.

But still, I don’t know how long it takes for blood to settle in a body or what the sleeping arrangement was with mom and dad but daughter and I got to the house at around noon, she’d come to the coffee shop at around 10 (we had to spend a long time convincing her to call mom’s cell phone and the house phone and then convincing her to go check and she wouldn’t go alone so that’s why I went) so if mom died in the night I don’t know why nobody noticed until at least 10am.

Anyway then the girl and her boyfriend showed up at the coffee shop later that night and she said she wanted to talk about LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE so we distracted them by talking about the best way to shave genitals and, protip, don’t use clippers on your junk.

[ms-demeanor]

One time one of my coworkers came in to open and somebody had broken into the patio and moved all the furniture to the perimeter to better frame the giant stinking shit they’d taken in the middle of the floor.

This coffee shop was the only place I’ve ever had to come in and clean tampons off the ceiling.

At some point our coffee maker just stopped working so one of the shift leads brought in his grandma’s Mr. Coffee.

That same shift lead once randomly shut down the coffee shop all day because he needed help editing his chapbook because he’d gotten a contract with Crown Publishing. That same dude skipped out on paying rent for his apartment for like three months because every time the owner came by to ask him for his rent his answer was “Fuck you, I saved a baby” because he’d saved a baby from a fire. Eventually that was his answer to every criticism and it was still relentlessly charming until he became the night manager of a Denny’s and then it was just kind of sad.

My elementary school DARE officer came in at one point because of “suspicious activity” because cops were always coming in for suspicious activity to see if the regulars had left paraphernalia out because one time somebody literally left a three-foot-tall bong set up next to one of the potted plants on the patio. I was like “oh shit, you were the DARE officer at my school, sorry for smoking” and she was like “don’t worry about it, I’ve been an alcoholic since my girlfriend left me.”

I went to a school TWENTY FOUR MILES away from this coffee shop. This was a SMALL shop. In a stupid, shitty suburb that nobody goes to. This wasn’t a coffee shop that had ever been on California’s Gold or made the news or been featured in a “Best Coffee Shops You’ve Never Heard Of” article. So I’m at my school TWENTY FOUR MILES away, in a totally different county, and I mention to one of my classmates that I work at this coffee shop and he just goes “Holy shit, so you know where to get good drugs?” And I was kind of offended but he wasn’t wrong and I had actually blown a guy in the back seat of the Good Drug Dealer’s car. (Unrelated to drugs, it was basically pity oral) (and not that the Good Drug Dealer was a good guy compared to the shouty meth dealer, just that he was the one who sold the Good Drugs)

There were twelve WLW who hung out there regularly and we all had the worst lesbian sheep problem and somehow the fact that none of us could get our shit together and fuck each other did NOTHING to prevent the kind of “I’ve slept with all your exes” drama that you expect out of insular queer scenes which culminated in a confrontation that ended like six friendships. Turns out Debbie had told the manager about my adventure with the body because Debbie thought I was cute and that worked out well for me because I thought Debbie was cute and we made out, like, twice but her girlfriend lived with her literally less than a hundred yards away and wasn’t open to a poly arrangement so instead me and Debbie were just cuddle buddies and we’d nap in the lounge in the back of the shop where everyone else either fucked or did unimaginable amounts of blow.

When the coffee shop finally shut down the owners just told everyone that it was closing for four days for earthquake renovations and when we all met up to hang out in front of the shop the next day (because we were all fucking losers and had literally nothing else going on) we found out that the owners had changed the locks and thrown all the shit we’d left inside (CDs, a couple backpacks, paintings, ashtrays, board games) into the dumpster along with the broken coffee machine and they’d shattered every single bottle of torani syrup in the place on top of the pile. The only Chumbawamba album I’ve ever owned came out of that dumpster covered in butterscotch because fuck it, I wanted a souvenir and I wasn’t about to take Sheryl Crow.

I miss that coffee shop like you’d miss a lover you left behind.

[ms-demeanor]

Everyone imagining this with the fast food reaction meme was imagining it in the wrong direction.

[ms-demeanor]

It occurs to me that this story doesn’t even touch on the time one of our regulars (who was at the time a friend of mine who was instrumental in me and Large Bastard getting together) citizens arrested a guy (who the owners had banned but who always hung out in front of the shop) for shoving him in an argument and then the dude who got citizens arrested’s dad and brother showed up and dropped fifty dollars in the tip jar and sat on the patio loudly talking about how they were going to kick the regular’s ass when he left and three other people on the patio and my coworker who was on shift called me and asked me to come to the coffee shop and bring Large Bastard and guns to solve this problem. (Apparently the thought was that if the one dude was already arrested actually calling the cops again would make this worse?)

Large Bastard and I did end up going to the shop (30 minutes away from his apartment where *everybody calling had interrupted us*) and the dad and brother were still there and being *loudly* threatening and everyone was extremely freaked out so we sat down and listened for a minute and Large Bastard was like “Guys, those are some pretty harsh words and you’re upsetting everyone. Knock it off” and the dad and brother were like “Fuck you that guy got our family member arrested, fuck you, you wanna fucking go?” and Large Bastard was like “Yeah, you’re upsetting the girl working, I think it would be better if you stepped outside with me” and he waited until they had passed him before he stood up and then he just stood in the doorway and blocked them from coming back in by virtue of *being as big as the entire doorway.*

And they were like “what the fuck, I thought you wanted to go!” but were also just realizing how fucking huge Large Bastard is and he very calmly crossed his arms and was like “I actually meant that you should go.” Apparently these dudes were not up for forcing a fistfight with an enormous grumpy man as much as they were up for outnumbering and cornering a scared regular-sized dude and they left.

That was when I found out that after Large Bastard stopped working at JPL he was a bouncer for two years. Turns out that being a bouncer can teach you some really useful de-escalation skills (while also making you violently loathe Dramarama).

[ms-demeanor]

Honestly I keep trying to figure out if my life has mellowed out and gotten less weird but then I remember that one of the last things that I did before the pandemic was run into the Critical Role crew in a mosh pit twenty minutes after I had put a dude in an arm bar for groping me and that we have spent most of the pandemic with Large Bastard having organs replaced so I don’t think we got any more normal, we’re just more physically contained.

[waiteverybodyhide]

I don't know if you know already but this made it to reddit, also 1. Tell us more about Large Bastard he seems cool, 2. Tell us more about the money laundering of drug profits by shady boss 3. Tell us about the epic wlw confrontation 4. Please for the love of all that's holy Tell us you were over 18 when you worked in porn

2,662 votes and 88 comments so far on Reddit

[avadcniels]

EVERY FRIEND GROUP SHOULD INCLUDE : VEEP EDITION

[toastbutteregg]