Entry #1
I don't know most of the things I'm feeling. i don't even know why I'm here writing this. maybe as a way to feel better? maybe i need to empty myself. Can anyone ever? i feel so full of emotions at times and other times i feel so empty. where do they go? what happens to them? do i just process them and they turn into tiny little things for my cells to digest like nothing ever happened?
I don't know why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. Im a bit anxious like im ignoring so many things i must be doing. Like someone has told me hey on your way home please save a child from burning in an apartment next door and i have completely forgotten about it. Maybe the child I’m supposed to save is myself. Maybe i have forgotten how much I've been burning and I've just left myself and been spending time reading and writing.
I miss so many things these days. I miss the people who were in my life and are not anymore and I'm also filled with fear that the people in my life now are inevitably going to leave. I promised myself i would start focusing on myself and i wouldn't let my feelings be dependent on another. But i was lying to myself. i don't think anyone can even do that. Whats the point of it anyway? isolating yourself as of not to feel anything. i don't think its good for anything. It's important to feel. It's important to get hurt and it's important to feel pain. It’s the most real thing one can ever feel in this life of uncertainty.
I think the weirdest thing about quarantine is how i feel i have forgotten to talk. I do talk to people and my family but i feel there is something I'm hiding. Like there is this war going on inside my mind and ive been ignoring it smiling. Like that famous meme of the cartoon dog sitting in a fire claiming everything is fine. Its not that i don't want to tell poeple what's going on its just that i feel no one would understand. I feel so paranoid and weird lately I'm afraid if people hear me they leave. I have this constant thought of me being locked up in an asylum and claiming everybody is stupid not realizing the world is being controlled by something and we are rats in a maze and everyone would laugh at me. To be honest i kind of enjoy it. And to be even more honest i think i already think that all is true.










