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@wanzelot
hey just so u know I’m here for the girls who have slept with people who they didn’t like and girls who look back on old hook ups and feel gross. girls who have slept with people because they needed the sexual validation but had bad experiences or wished that thy hadn’t gone near those people. girls who found out how bad the people were after the fact. the character of your hookups doesn’t reflect your character. you’re all wonderful and I’m here for u
it's ridiculous
Now do the one where you show the percentage of all the taxes paid in this country and break that down by who pays that highest
You’re either jealous of rich people, ignorant, or both
Oh no, I don't actually think 0,1% of people deserve to own over 80% of all wealth. What a horrible and jealous person I am. I have to rethink my entire belief system now. I am ashamed of myself
anyone else remember being a child and seeing the very neat handwriting of other little girls and somehow knowing that you were a different genre of person than they were
literally no…i remember seeing bad handwriting & thinking “oh these other kids must be orphans or something”
fascinating to hear from the other genre, thanks for your contribution
Not only was my handwriting ugly as fuck, I was never able to finish before the end of class either. I constantly had to finish stuff at home AND do the assigned home work. My teacher made me feel like shit about it too. Little did I know back then that it was actually her fault for forcing me to write with my right hand when I was clearly lefthanded. And this was the early 2000s. When this was already illegal in germany. Even at University I still struggled to finish my exams on time and would constantly loose a few points because of it. I don't think I will ever find it in me to forgive that person
Anyway unpopular opinion probably but the school system (and general book snobbery) fucks up by trying to force kids to read “classics” before they have the mental and emotional development to appreciate them.
This post is me telling you to consider revisiting that classic book you read in the 7th grade that you hated because the ability to understand a lot of literature gets unlocked later, for reasons a lot to do with emotional maturity
reading those books and being forced to analyze them is how you develop the ability to understand literature. there’s literally no way to learn how to properly read a text other than by doing a bunch of reading and being forced to actually parse the text for meaning. the best way to build this skill is with difficult yet good texts, ie classics, and the sooner you get started the better.
the point of handing you lord of the flies as a freshman isn’t to get you to have deep emotional realization about the evil of humanity, it’s to get you to learn how to read an allegorical novel.
Yeah sure but books are (at least in the US) typically assigned in schools based on ‘reading level’ which is often inconsistent with the age at which you can actually comprehend the meaning.
I do think it’s important for kids to be able to uh, actually get something out of a book they read for school. If something is meaningless to you, you’re not going to remember anything of the experience anyway. This is how you get kids that think they’re dumb and can never enjoy reading so they never pick up a book after high school.
My last literature class was mainly focused on teaching books for high school and the education majors in the class with me work with local high school students and some of them are functionally illiterate. This kind of viewpoint, that we should just force kids to read stuff they can’t enjoy or appreciate to ‘teach’ them literary analysis, does damage. Teachers are struggling to get kids to care about reading and THAT’s what you have to cultivate for it to be a life-long habit.
the purpose of learning to read is not to foster a life-long love of reading. it is to learn to read. that is, to learn to parse a text for meaning. you don’t have to enjoy it, but you do have to interact deeply with it and analyze it, which you are forced to do because you are being graded. enjoyment is only needed if the class isn’t hard enough and students aren’t properly forced to engage with the text, which they should be.
…Okay and what is reading for
learning and enjoyment. ideally, both at once.
school may give you the learning part but it sucks the enjoyment out. i always make sure to read the novels we’re assigned right away, and finish the whole book before the first homework assignment, to avoid the curriculum ruining the book for me. i have to guard my love of reading against school.
@sploompfy needs to reevaluate their understanding of the world and human society before the real world rocks their ‘allegorical’ jaw out of place.
People spend too much time reading business insider or whatever and they get it in their head that life is a money/achievement/objective simulator, when it’s not? We’re here for a short time and we need to enjoy that short time.
You can enjoy your life more if you’re able to understand the world around you better, which you get by critical reading and critical thinking skills. Like if you could understand this situation better maybe you wouldn’t resort to threats of violence. Praying for your growth.
For someone making such a big deal about “critical reading,” you sure didn’t read that reply very carefully if you got a “threat of violence” out of it…
I am absolutely losing it at the idea that critical analysis cannot be taught to children through anything other than books that are inaccessible to them at the age they’re made to read it.
You know that there is nothing about The Scarlet Letter that is somehow inherently better at training people in literary analysis, right? And lbr it’s a fucking terrible book, that shit sucks for real lol. Forcing an entire class to read it is basically just forcing an entire class to watch a cliff notes summary YouTube video so they can pass the quiz. By being opposed to making critical reading and literary analysis less of a chore, you’re betraying your preference for a reality where most high schoolers never actually read their assigned reading because it isn’t tailored to their actual development level.
I was REAL good at picking up on shit in books that a lot of my peers missed, from an early age. Didn’t matter. Many of the books I was assigned were chores to slog through at 15, but when I reread those same books at 25, I enjoyed them immensely. This isn’t just a matter of whether somebody has learned how to analyze a text, it’s a matter of mental and emotional maturity, life experience, and most importantly, interest.
I fucking HATED The Scarlet Letter. And do you know what the assignment was for that? Annotating the whole.fucking.book. It’s only been in the last couple years that I’ve been able to read for fun. Because I either couldn’t justify a “for fun” book because there was so much required reading to do, or I was so burnt out from required reading that I didn’t want to read at all. But the problem is, when you stop reading long-form stuff, the ability to do so atrophies. Your attention span calibrates itself to blog posts and news articles. You HAVE to read for fun to practice the skill of sustained attention in reading. Otherwise, you will struggle to read that dense scientific article. Trust me.
Though I suspect many teachers know they are teaching shitty books, and they do so because it’s either required or because they’re afraid some asshole parent is going to report them to the school board because the book seems offensive. Even though the parent never read it.
I used to read one book after another. My mom took us to the children's library every few weeks and I picked a stack of books and went through all of them. I rarely returned a book without reading it by the time I was 14 I had read probably thousands of books. Then the literature list in high school set in. I forced myself through Lord of the flies, Faust, The Reader, Death in Venice, Homo Faber (those last two were the worst) and many more. I was a sensitive kid and those books were heavy stuff. I remember walking around with a giant pit of anxiety, sadness and disgust for weeks reading those books. I wanted to cry just thinking about the next reading assignment. Homo Faber almost made me throw up. Like I sat in front of the toilet for 30 minute waiting for it to happen. Some of these titles still make me feel sick to my stomach just looking at them. Because apparently it was taken as a given that a 15-17 year old was able to handle graphic descriptions of pedophilia, rape and violence. Well not me. I wasn't. None of my peers seemed to respond to these books the way I did, not that I know anyway. All I know is I stopped reading and i haven't managed to pick it up again then years later. and I sure as hell won't touch any of the books mentioned above ever again.
If you think women should submit simply because they are women, this blog is not for you.
Or if you think men are obligated to lead just because they’re men.
Confession time; while I may have started making my girlfriend lunches purely because I love her there’s now a little bit of gay spite involved as well. I want the straight girls she works with to see what they’re missing and hold their men to higher standards.
Operation Gay Spite has claimed its first straight relationship! I’m not sure I’ve ever been prouder of anything in my life!
If making lunch broke them up it was never a good one in the first place
He gets it.
I’m genuinely curious how the lunches caused the breakup to happen, and I fully support the Gay Spite lunches
Literally since my bf saw this he’s started doing other things to model relationship goals for other guys. He’s always been lovely to me, but he’s made more of a point to show off the things we do for each other and raise people’s standards. He told his friend that we make dinner for each other every night and that guy went home and made his gf enchiladas. He posted about doing my laundry while I was at work (he does stuff like that all the time but usually isn’t public about it) and 2 other guys cleaned stuff up before their ladies came home.
Basically what I’m saying is that @solarpunkarchivist has started a chain reaction of straight people doing better and setting better examples and we appreciate it.
My dad has always sung to my mom on their birthday*, their anniversay, and the winter solstice because that’s her least favorite day of the year. He did this well before they got married, and he kept doing it after they started working in the same office building, walking over to her cubicle a few times a year with a dozen roses and singing a love song from broadway or an operetta. More often, he came over with a hot takeout lunch, or fresh salad or a dessert and would double-check who was picking me up today and what Mom wanted him to make for dinner if he was getting home first.
Some men gave him shit about doing that, bitching and moaning about “Maaaaaan you’re raising the bar!” or “Isn’t picking up the kids your wife’s job?” and so on.
But more men- many more men- came to him for advice. “Where did you learn to sing?” “My wife’s allergic to flowers and doesn’t like chocolate. What should I get her for her birthday?” “How did you get time off to pick up your kids early?” “I wanna do something nice for our anniversary, but it’s right before tax day and I never remember and I feel like an ass. How do you remember?” Net, he thinks setting a good example like that ended two relationships and saved five.
Setting a good example is a good idea to inspire people to realize they deserve better, but even better is that there are lots of people out there who want to do better and will glady take notes from you.
*they have the same birthday 4 years apart.
I brag on Monsieur all the time. People (mostly women) need to know they can expect more from their partners.
My husband will get up at any time to bring anything I want or need to me. Even in the middle of gaming. He puts toothpaste on my toothbrush and brings it to me because he knows I tend to put off getting ready for bed when I'm really tired. He tugs me in every night, kisses me good night and turns off the light.
He always responds to me immediately when I call his name. He brings a bottle of water anywhere we go because he knows I don't remember to bring any but I will inevitaby get thirsty. He does the dishes before I come home from work because he knows seeing a dirty kitchen after a stressfull day makes me really upset. He does all the grocery shopping because I really hate it.
He will drop absolutely anything to be there for my mom or my brother non cause they are important to me.
And once he brought a big ol jar of my pee to the kidney clinic a town over by train because it needed to be done and I had a work thing. And i don't mean a cute little cup, I mean a big ol jar of pee.
He inspires me to be a better person every single day. that's for sure.
BREAKING NEWS
I just learned about a bird species called Golden Plover. Their chicks have an amazing camouflage: their baby fluff resembles MOSS!
LOOK AT THEM! JUST LOOK AT THEM!
...Oh to be a tiny golden plover lying in the moss safe and sound waiting for your mom to bring you some worms...
@normal-horoscopes
ATTENTION: IT IS NOW TIME FOR MOSS
Reminds me of the "Tapera Naevia" aka Striped Cuckoo whose chicks look like Pine Cones, so now we have "Moss Birb" and "Pine Cone Birb"
CONIFEROUS BIRB!!!!
I’d divorce him too lmao
It’s never JUST about the tomatoes.
Basically!
Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: He’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.
The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.
These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow-up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in 10 of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of 10, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.
Those who showed genuine interest in their partner’s joys were more likely to be together.
Damn, this made me think of all the “shouting into the void” social media posts everyone makes. Just bids for connection. From ANYONE.
I think that is ABSOLUTELY what a lot of that is. Our culture is very isolated (even BEFORE covid!), and we’re desperate to connect with others. I read an article one time that suggested that childcare workers stop saying that a child is “Just wants attention” and start saying that the child is “looking for connection.” We’re starved for it even from childhood.
When they are speaking about a passion, respond to children as if you would a tenured professor at a prestigious university, and to an adult as if you would a child free of the burdens of adulthood.
Children are desperate to teach the wonders of the world that they know, that they have just learned, and share it with anyone interested. Adults pour passion they didn’t know they had into voluntary obligations, and crave a simple acknowledgment of that passion as being worthy and valid.
“Dear third grader, tell me exactly why you chose <x> as you third favorite carnivorous dinosaur instead of second, as specifically as possible.”
“Hey neighbor, your vegetable garden is absolutely gorgeous this year…and no I’m not just saying that because the tomatoes you gave me last year were absolute perfection.”
what they dont tell you about those little hand baskets in the grocery store is if you put enough things in them they get heavy
One of life's lessons.
Me every single time. Apparently I just can't get over my dislike for shopping carts.
Hi, I’m in a relationship with a sociopath but Im pretty positive he is also a narcissist I feel like I’m losing my mind. I just break down and start crying over stupid things or over nothing. He seems so normal but when he gets triggered the demon resurfaces. He becomes someone I don’t even recognize. I don’t know how anyone can let you cry for hours and see you trembling and hyperventilate without a word and just walk by you and ignore you. That right there has fucked my head up big time, not to mention all the other ways he manipulates me. How can I tell if he’s a narcopath or a sociopath? Ans how do I let him go when I’m in love with him?
All sociopaths are narcissists. Their only goal is to feed their need to serve themselves and they will use anyone to fulfill that need. In order to break free of someone like that is difficult, you are probably trauma bonded to him but you can do this. First you need to resolve that you are an independent person and not an extension of him and his personality. The good times that you remember are memory manipulations purposely designed to keep you hooked. Weeding out the positive memories from the negative moments will help you start to break that bond.
Hello @enigma23suniverse I hope it’s ok that I jump in here.
I think instead of worrying about the exact diagnosis/es, I think it’s better to focus on how this is affecting you and how you can protect yourself. No matter what label you give him, it’s the symptoms that are disrupting your life. I strongly urge you to leave in any way you possibly can. If you need advice on how to leave there is an old post about Leaving a Narcissist that I can share with you.
No matter what you call his disorder this isn’t healthy or safe for you.
I'm jumping on this one because this a very bad situation to be in. I'm going to say it really loud. " YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM". You've become programmed to the way he his. Made to believe it's all your fault. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. First thing you need to do is get your things together and leave. If you don't need it to survive. Then you don't need it. Set up a new job. Because you're going lose the one you have because of him. If there is one person that trust above anyone. have that person help you. If you don't have anyone to help you, no problem. You need to get as far away from him as possible. Your life may not be in danger today. But tomorrow who knows. What little you have said about him describes schizophrenia. I actually know someone with schizophrenia. So what I'm telling you is coming from someone that has been diagnosed and is getting professional help. This ask was triggering for him. Because you described him before he got help.
Beast
Labeling things that are hurting or threatening us is natural. It gives us something to hold on to, a pattern, an explanation. Humans crave stability, even more so in harmful and chaotic living situations. Still, it is not anyone's place to diagnose another's mental state. Even a licensed professional is only allowed to do that with the consent of the person and after careful assessment, which includes several sessions. The essential questions are: is the person hurting or harming you mentally or physically? And if so how can you get out of that situation ?
Sadly there is no easy answer here.
I don't have a solution, that's for sure. I was just lucky my abusive ex left me. But I like to believe that I put in the work dealing with the aftermath. The thing I would like to ask you, dear anon, is, do you think the love you feel for someone else now is more important than your life's happiness and well being?
The feelings you have now are not a choice but they are not set in stone. They are going to change eventually, like everything in life. Nothing is permanent. Staying or leaving is a choice though. A hard one, but one that we can not avoid either way. It is a question of yes or no and there is no standing in the middle. If you stay where you are, that is still a decision. One that I too made over and over in my life. But no matter how often you decide to stay, there is always the option to decide to leave. It is there waiting for you. It is going to hurt like hell. But it's so damn worth it. I wish you all the strength in the world to make that decision, anon
hey i just wanted to let you know that the youtube channel "girl with the dogs" openly supports shopping for pets (iirc one of her quotes is literally "adopt, or shop, responsibly" and thinks purebred dogs don't have as many health issues as mixed breeds. i can try to find the vids if needed and dm them to you as long as u keep my identity private :)
Hey, I actually agree with her. I think what she's saying is a little oversimplified and I don't have the context so maybe she was out of line but it is entirely possible to adopt irresponsibly and shop responsibly.
Let's break it down though so you can understand what I mean. When I say you can shop responsibly I don't mean buying a dog from a pet store or an online listing, I mean doing thorough research and finding a registered dog breeder who breeds for temperament and health and does all possible tests(i.e health testing, hip/elbow scores) to ensure their dogs are as healthy as possible.
When I say you can adopt irresponsibly, I mean that often shelters don't match dogs to homes correctly and have outdated temperament tests. There are definitely some great shelters and rescues but I feel a lot of them, especially in my area, just try to get dogs adopted ASAP without properly vetting families or giving support after the dog is adopted. So I think people need to research shelters and having a rescue dog before jumping into adopting.
I don't necessarily think that adopting or purchasing a dog is better, I think it really depends on the person, their situation, and what they are looking for in a dog. I do think that breeders and purebred dogs get unfairly judged.
As for the health issues debate, I honestly think it's hard to say that either is "healthier" due to how many factors affect health. Purebred dogs are more likely to have breed-specific health issues but if a breeder is reputable their dogs shouldn't be heavily affected by them, if at all. You see less specific health issues in mixed breeds because they are all different breeds and each individual has different predispositions to health issues.
Mixed breed health really is like rolling a bunch of D20s. Sometimes you might get several Nat20s ... but you might also get a bunch of Nat1s.
Examples:
My first dog, catahoula/lab- Only breed related health ‘problem’ was lipomas. Whole pile of Nat20s here.
My mom’s dog, border collie/golden retriever- Epilepsy, Hip Dysplasia, Pica. Nat1s all around.
My last dog, English Shepherd/Cattle Dog- Hip dysplasia. Mystery autoimmune disorder was a complete fluke not related to either breed. One Nat1 and half the dice ended up lost forever down the floor vent somehow.
My current dog, cocker/shar-pei/various small breeds - Allergies. ALL the allergies..... and with the allergies under control, she’s actually been a very very healthy dog for me and she’s currently 11 years old. One Nat1 and a spread of other numbers.
When you do a mix of 2 purebreds... congrats, now the pups have the *potential* to have the genetic predisposed conditions of BOTH breeds. When you have a really, really, really mixed breed dog such as Alyssum you are far less likely to have a breed disposed condition. The main reason Alyssum is a walking allergy factory is because every. single. breed. her DNA test listed has a breed disposition towards allergies.
Responsible breeders will also often test their animals for known conditions common to the breed to they work with (you can see who does this by looking on their site/contacting them). A shelter often does not do background health screening because lack of time or resources, and in worse cases will intentionally downplay the severity of a condition or behavioral issue. I would be rich if I had a dollar for every shelter posting Ive seen casually mention a "neurological disability" or "this animal was returned for being just a little feisty" without clarity around what conditions they're dealing with.
For people who need working dogs, shelter dogs are typically not compatable because you need those breed traits that come with the breed you're looking for. I would not get a shelter mix for herding dogs or for livestock guardian work.
Please, please, please do not underestimate the amount of baggage that may come with a rescue dog. I would rather have people do their research and get a dog breed that matches their lifestyle (not based on looks or trends!) from a certified breeder. I myself have a romanian shelter dog. We got him at four months old. The shelter near us where we found him pretty much just handed him over to us after one meeting and a form that said our landlord was ok with it. They also told us he was a mix pf bordercollie and labrador. Turns out he is a herd guarding dog mix which is a really challenging type of dog as it is plus he has developmental issues due to growing up in a kennel, even though he was still so small when we got him. He also has a deep trauma from the truck ride to germany which makes it terrifying for him to enter any and all vehicles and small spaces.
Luckily my husband has had dogs all of his life and was up to doing the work and we were able to move to a calmer neighborhood (yes, we had to move for the dog). We also have access to a trained dog psychologist (no, that is not ajoke either) who supports us by temporarily prescribing an antidepressant (yup) to help deal with severe anxiety as well as training advice. We can not go anywhere on vacation unless the dog can come so anything beyond a cottage in the forest is out of the question since he will not sleep in any other foreign environment at all. The one person who can go for a walk with him except for us is my mother who works full time. Imagine the fun we had when my husband and I both had covid.
So to sum it up: we had to move, get a dog psychiatrist, we can never be away from home longer than a few hours and we have to manage some intense herd guarding behavior which means having new guests over or even handymen used to be a huge hassle for years. Plus we have had to train three years in order to transport the dog any other way than running next to the bike. He is doing pretty great now and luckily he never had issues staying alone (you know, since ypu can hardly take him anywhere besides a forest or my mom's house) but he will never be your average family dog. And he was from a pretty well known rescue organization too. He was never abused, he was vaccinated and healthy and nobody tried to make money with him. But depending on the rescue organization you could potentially be supporting that kind of stuff too.
You can not judge a dog by the way it behaves inside the kennel, you never fully know before you take it home and wait a few month for it to acclimate. And even though a lot of shelter dogs end up being fine, unless you are ready and capable to deal with a four legged surprise package with very sharp teeth and a mind of it's own (or you go through a very lengthy period of getting to know the dog you want to adopt and are able to make sure you know it well enough) adopting may not be for you (ESPECIALLY if you have kids) . I can not even stress this enough. It is never going to be best for you or the dog if the dog ends up being in the wrong home with you.
Invisible-ginger asked about trying to eat enough calories in one day. You gave her some good advice. I have a further question if you don’t mind sharing more wisdom please. I care for my 86 year older mother. I adore her and do the best caregiving I can. She absolutely hates to eat. When it’s time to eat, she gets upset. It’s a struggle to keep food she will eat and coax her to eat. I know she’s lonely and try to make sure she has company for at least one meal everyday. She weighs 94 pounds and is in excellent health otherwise-no glucose, bp, or heart issues that some elderly experience. Any advice or thoughts anyone wants to share would be welcome. Thank you
Oh man, this is a tough one... I really applaud your devotion, and willingness to explore different options, Friend.
The following is how I would go about dealing with the situation, please bear in mind that your mileage may/will vary.
1. Talk to her
- If your relationship allows for it, ask her directly what it is about food - or the act of eating - that is/may be causing distress.
- She may simply respond with "I'm just not hungry" which is very common in the elderly due to various physiological factors like decreased fuel requirements/ metabolism etc.
- Hunger cues can be negatively impacted by medication, so it is very important to make sure that if she is on meds, they're not interfering. In addition, psychological factors like loneliness, depression, a history of ED's or erratic eating habits, known or unknown sensory issues and the like, play a huge part.
- Obviously this is a very sensitive subject so being as non-confrontational and gentle as possible is extremely important. View this as an information-gathering exercise, the goal of which is to establish (as far as possible) a)what the underlying issues are and b)whether you are in a position to remedy the situation alone, or if consulting with a medical professional is necessary.
- It is very important to rule out any medical issues before making changes to the diet or meal delivery. Things like periodontal disease, gastrointestinal disorders and untreated depression can wreak havoc with any body but especially an older model.
2. If, after discussing it with Mamma, you both agree that approaching meal delivery differently may be of benefit, then you could consider the following:
**finger foods**
- Older folk may struggle with cutlery - both the handling of and/or the sensation in their mouths - so opting for foods that don't require much fork/spoon interaction can help a great deal.
- Things like quartered hard boiled eggs, chopped fruit and veg with a dip (cream cheese/tzatziki/hummus/yoghurt etc), diced meat portions, crackers and cheese, smol sandwiches - anything that can be easily picked up with fingers (or a toothpick) and popped in the mouth.
**smoothies/soups**
- Teeth being what they are in the later years, it makes sense to offer nutrient-dense foodstuffs in an easy-to-swallow format (use with caution in folks with swallowing issues).
- Fruit, peanut butter/nuts (watch out for allergies!) and vegetables can easily be combined with fruit juice/full cream yoghurts/ice cream/cream to make delicious easy to consume meals. With the added bonus of it being very simple to add protein powder or any assortment of other helpful nutrients if needed...
- Chunky, nutritious soups can be made in large batches, liquidized and frozen to be reheated as needed.
- Meal requirements for seniors are slightly different than for other life stages. While it is still super important to maintain a stable, regular diet, being that the metabolism has most likely slowed (due to age and a decrease in activity) smaller portions of nutrient-dense foodstuffs offered more frequently (say 4/5 times a day versus 3) often become necessary.
- Adding helpful fats like full cream dairy (if tolerated and previously absent), avocados, butter etc can also make a big difference.
The bottom line here is providing smol, nutrient-dense meals at a frequency that Mamma can tolerate.
3. Loneliness can be a big factor.
- Given that as mammals we instinctively gather in groups (family/friends) in general, but especially for the preparation and consumption of food, it follows that having to eat alone would suck goblin toes. You mentioned trying to be with her for at least one meal a day - which is obviously awesome! - it may simply be that she requires a little more human interaction for meal times.
- If you are in a position to do so (which you may very well not be and would be perfectly understandable) why not look into other ways of adding the social element.
- Perhaps inviting a friend/family member to share a meal with her on a regular basis or taking her to a senior centre for lunch (I have heard that such things are available at various community centres/facilities but have no personal knowledge, so maybe try a quick google for your area?).
- Depending on the situation, getting her an easy-to-care-for pet may also fit the social interaction bill - a cat, dog or bird maybe?
Obviously all of the above may be as helpful as a brick to the knee, but with any luck there is at least some food for thought. And please consider consulting with a medical professional as none of the info provided here constitutes anything more than the (hopefully somewhat coherent) ramblings of a random stranger on the internet...
Thank you for the ask, Friend - I hope that if nothing else you feel heard, and somewhat less alone on your journey.
And obviously followers (or other random snausages) are encouraged to add any helpful bits and bobs to the mix. Just remember that we play nice here in Shiny's Howse, and we respect other people's perspectives...
Wishing you (and your Mamma) the very best of luck - may you find the answers you seek.
Much love and sparkley mischiefs, Shiny
I work in home care and I have to say if I had a definite answer to this issue it would make my job a lot easier. Focusing on foods she likes is definitely a big point. In this situation it's more important to get her eating and keep her comfortable than to try to achieve a perfectly balanced diet. If a client of mine only wants fish sticks and cake i will make that every day if that's what it takes and then try to offer other foods along with that and motivate them to have some. If she has a very restrictive taste, you might want to substitute some vitamins though.
Now, as much as she surely loves it when you keep her company for a meal I am also sure that she knows that you love her and worry about her when she doesn't eat. This might add pressure for her. Having a loved one worry can be quite overwhelming for a person of any age but especially for one who is beginning to depend more and more on said loved ones.
That's why eating should not be too big of a deal and by that I don't just mean in practice but also in your mind. I know this may be a hard one but if it's constantly on your mind she will know. Sometimes with clients who wont eat, I don't prepare any full meals at all. I just prepare small, manageable portions of foods they like without saying anything about eating at all. I just casually put them in different places where they usually spend most of their time. Or I make food for us to share while we watch TV and make sure I am having some too. I also leave small dishes with food out when I leave. To sum it up, I try to make sure the food is available throughout the day without making it a big deal instead of putting all the pressure on mealtimes.
Now this is how I like to do it, you and her will most likely have your own ways of doing things. The key is not really how you do it, it's more about finding a way that works for both of you in order to take off the pressure while still making sure food is frequently available.
Hi, I was hoping you could help me. A bit ago I met up with consensualpredator3rd and unfortunately I didn't have a great time. I regret meeting him for several reasons but the big ones are 1) He got to the hotel and started the scene immediately without saying anything or verifying he was who he said he was. We never talked about how the scene would start and he grabbed my neck right after walking in the door and started smacking me. 2) He popped my jaw smacking me 3) I shut down and just went along with it and he didn't do a consent check in and make sure I was still good. 4) His safeword system was inconsistent and he got really pissed when I called red to the point where I wanted to leave but I was scared to do so. 5) He got mad when I asked him to delete my pictures because I just didn't want him to have them anymore and he never gave proof of deleting them.
Maybe I'm the only one who had a bad experience with him, but I talked to someone and he said that these were all red flags. All I want is for no one else to get hurt like I did.
May 14, 2021: Friday Morning
Good Morning Anon.
I’m very sorry for your experience, and we appreciate you sharing it with us today. From the final statement in your ask, I can tell that you are shopping around this encounter to get feedback from people so you can get a better understanding of what has happened to you. I’m happy to tell you what I think, based on what you’ve expressed.
1. He got to the hotel and started the scene immediately...
Consent based encounters start with discussion and negotiation. Unless it was agreed upon before hand that the scene would start upon your entrance, (which you say it was not) it’s a fucked up way to start a scene with someone new, and was your first huge red flag of your experience. 🚩
2. started the scene immediately without saying anything or verifying he was who he said he was.
How completely terrifying. There is no way a consent based experience should start this way. Once again, unless this was agreed upon, this is neither dominant or human behavior. Second huge red flag. 🚩🚩
3. and he grabbed my neck right after walking in the door and started smacking me.
No. Without introducing himself? Upon entering? Undiscussed and unnegotiated? Completely fucked up. Red Flag. 🚩🚩🚩
4. He popped my jaw smacking me
So you walked in and he just started whaling on you, and hard enough that he popped your jaw. I'm going to guess there was no check in there, as there seems to be no concern for your comfort or safety anywhere in the encounter you are describing, so another red flag. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
5. I shut down and just went along with it and he didn't do a consent check in and make sure I was still good.
I understand your response as someone who was actively being abused. Considering the activities you're describing, it's inexcusable that you wouldn't be checked in with many times throughout the encounter, especially as someone new to him. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
6. His safeword system was inconsistent and he got really pissed when I called red to the point where I wanted to leave but I was scared to do so.
An inconsistent safe word system = no safe word system. A safe word is something that must be reacted to strongly and immediately every time it's uttered. There can be no inconsistency in consent based encounters. Anger in response to a safe word being implemented is not dominant behavior. People who get angry at safe words tend to be abusers, misogynists, and/or narcissists. An inconsistent safe word system is a huge red flag. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
7. He got mad when I asked him to delete my pictures because I just didn't want him to have them anymore and he never gave proof of deleting them.
When you give someone pictures of yourself you are doing that with consent. You should be able to revoke consent and ask them to delete them without any push back or drama. Anyone who acts pissy or won't give you the peace of mind of knowing you did what they asked you to do is not a dominant. Definite red flag behavior. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Here are some final thoughts:
* If you uttered your safeword and it didn't stop the scene, you were raped.
* A dominant will make you feel safe in a scene, even when it's an intense or CNC scene. Having an intense BDSM scene is about creating the illusion of fear and danger, not about actually putting you in a state of fear and danger.
* A dominant will have a rock solid view of consent and will be very concerned about that being reflected in every scene they have with you.
* Again, what you describe is a terrifying and traumatizing scene full of red flags and consent violations. I hope you learn and heal from it, and I hope some of what I said helps you to recover from it.
JD
Someone sent me this, and at first I thought it was one of my many haters bleeding out beyond just sending me hate mail and making up fake shit.
However, the more I went over it trying to figure out if there was someone who matched up with the unusual details, I think I know who this person is (90% sure) and if it was them, we did meet so I should address this.
First of all, it saddens me any time someone doesn’t enjoy meeting with me, it’s rare but when you play with dozens of dozens like I have it happens occasionally.
However, this person is being disingenuous by omission and leaving out context.
This person contacted me asking me to take their virginity. We made plans for her to stop and get a room on her way down to college.
Their jaw was popped because they had a previous medical condition and it was prone to do so. They did not share this information with me until after it had happened. Any medical or psychological issues that may come up in a scene always need to be disclosed in advance for exactly this reason.
I’m a consensual non consent player. It is extreme edge play. I am known and sought out for my intensity and aggression. It’s well advertised, and present in many write ups done by people who have done scenes with me. I’m not a daddy dom. She knew all of this.
I texted her from the parking lot as soon as I arrived. I made at least two trips back to my car before we started. I’m not sure how she can construe this as not introducing myself.
I’m also not sure how my safeword system was “inconsistent” but it is true I didn’t use the check in part. I didn’t need to, she stopped the scene extremely frequently. You’ll notice she never claims I did not stop when she called “red”, because I did. Every time, and it was a lot of times. Pretty much every hit and even basic vanilla sex was too much for her.
In my opinion, this person wasn’t physically, mentally, or emotionally ready to have sex. Especially BDSM of any type. I definitely wasn’t the right choice for her, being on the more extreme end of the scale for that type of play.
It was her room, and she could have asked me to leave at any time. I actually offered to leave, once it was clear she couldn’t handle it. She asked me to stay.
We cut the scene short, and she talked to me about her mother, sister, and father. I listened and gave support. I often end up in a makeshift psychologist role, and I feel it’s my duty to provide that aspect of aftercare when people need it.
We went out to pick up calzones, came back to eat and watch Sherlock. We spent upwards of four hours of me listening to her problems and feelings.
And I’m glad. She needed that.
There were lots of opportunities for her to have me leave. She asked me to stay. We sat in her car the next morning after checkout, I don’t remember if we went to breakfast.
I’m not out to invalidate someone’s experience, but I don’t feel I’m being represented fairly in her account. Her jaw being predisposed to popping, insinuating (but stopping short of claiming) that I didn’t respond to safewords, not mentioning that we stopped the scene or any of the aftercare (especially when she got the gold star therapy version) leaves a lot of context out and doesn’t give a complete understanding of the experience.
I always respond to safewords, and I responded and stopped every time she called it.
Any self proclaimed ‘intense’ Dom who plays on the ‘extreme end of the scale’ who not only arranges to meet up with a random virgin who contacted them on tumblr but then proceeds to play with them on their very first time meeting without proper talks is a fucking predator.
You had fuck all care about that girls well being from the get go. There should have been no frequent stops in the scene because she called RED. YOU as the apparent experienced one, YOU as the one in fucking charge should have ended that shit well before it could be frequent. It’s clear as day from your own account in your own damn words that it was obvious she was in over her head.
I can’t actually believe the amount of egotistical self back patting in your response when you’re telling on yourself THAT much.
Isn't it an experienced Dom(me)'s priority to make sure that their submissive is mentally/physically/emotionally ready to engage in such an intense scene long before they are in any position to actually do so?
From what I've read and seen people like @onelittlekingdom & @instructor144 say that kind of scene is something that needs to be worked up to rather than it being the immediate first experience.
Yep. First principle: no playtime at the first meeting. PG-13 and PUBLIC. Second principle:even when your partner is experienced, you work up the intensity GRADUALLY, over the course of several get togethers. Any "Dom" who doesn't know and insist on these basic principle isn't worth a bucket of warm spit.
@consensualpredator3rd
I am going let you all read this one part
RED. Called a lot of times.
Here there is nothing that can save your integrity.
If red is called once and then you continue, I am left with the visual that ther was coersion to continue.
DESPICABLE.
The fact that you recognized this " she wasn't ready" should have happened WELL before any scene. That you can discuss that and acknowledge that fact, makes this even worse.
This was a scene that should never have happened, poorly planed, and sorry "take my virginty"
Jesus, what does it take.... nevermind..
This anon and your response, in my community would have you banned from any events, blogs, community, for life.
This was not informed consent, this was coerced consent from the very beginning because you recognized the state of your partner. The blame falls solely upon you.
I would suggest before you continue you step back and truly reevaluate this situation, take time off from kink play. Make sure that you know what happened here and accept what is truly your responsibility and act accordingly.
@anon I am sorry this was your event. Make sure you reach out and get help to process this.
This is horrible on so many levels.
As an “experienced dom,” don’t you think it was on you to ensure she, a virgin, understood what was about to happen? She had NO way of knowing what to expect. First call of red should have ended everything and began the aftercare process immediately. In this case more than any other due to her virginity, it was on you to end the scene and help her process.
A reputation for being rough is no excuse when the person you plan to meet has admitted they have no reference point since they’ve never had an experience.
Consent= informed, enthusiastic and un-coerced agreement. There is no indication of that in your own version of events. This was fucking rape. I hope she presses charges.
I went to his blog to block him and he answered an ask about this situation which is more of the same, he definitely doesn’t ‘get it’. Repeats that he gave this girl a “therapy session” says she had a complete break down, says he often has to do that because he spends so much time with depressed people??? Clearly wants to be seen as altruistic for listening to her. Repeats that he isn’t a daddy dom. Claims this girl wouldn’t have enjoyed being with anyone. Takes no responsibility himself.
If you have the view that you tend to attract “damaged” people - wouldn’t that be a reason to check yourself? Apparently to him its not.
Yeah, I scrolled some on his blog and found where he thinks it’s perfectly fine to pressure others. Red flags all over the place.
Jesus fucking Christ. Reading this thread made me want to puke.
As someone who had her first BDSM scene years after losing my virginity with someone who I had met twice before and still got thrown into the deep end and accidentally choked unconscious by a person not nearly that bad, this leaves me speechless.
Later on I layed it on him hard. I had gained confidence, learned about safe BDSM and i told him how i felt about what he did to me. I layed each and every mistake on his part out for him in painfull detail.
And here comes the actual difference in how this played out. He listened, he acknowledged, he apologized and he has since adapted his behavior towards his play partners. He is not an amazing human being. In fact he is just about decent. But he had the ability to take criticism that was really really hard to hear and took responsibility for acting like a steaming hot pile of shit. That is actually an option if you fucked up and want to avoid rightfully gaining a reputation as an inconsiderate asshole. Just putting that out there
“I used to dislike being sensitive. I thought it made me weak. But take away that single trait, and you take away the very essence of who I am. You take away my conscience, my ability to empathize, my intuition, my creativity, my deep appreciation for the little things, my vivid inner life, my deep awareness of others’ pain, and my passion for it all.”
I recently told non-native English speaker friends that yes there truly is a whole group of birds named tits in English and they were so incredulous that people would *actually name birds tits*. It was really funny XD
I see your tits and i raise you the german word for pugs which is Möpse, whis is also another german word for tits
