Try again later @weirdlywise - Tumblr Blog

memeuplift

thebonepirate

he sit

titkoks

i really didn’t think it could get worse, and then-

hell-aint-a-bad-place

??????????????????????????????????????????????

killfridge

LMFAOOOOO

lifeofcynch

OH MY GOD.

stephanemiroux

Me at the start: weird but this isn't that bad.

The second bit:

The ending:

pinkmistle06

WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH

mommy-mortis

charlesoberonn

"Oh you had a plague? Come back to us when you had a World War, brand new unconventional weapons, and a new international order."

charlesoberonn

I apologize.

garbage-empress

ye awaken with a minty butthole

how do ye proceed

0kkvlt

Look butthole

garbage-empress

ye spread ye cheeks to the nearest mirror. inside ye butthole is a bottle of DR. BRONNER'S PEPPERMINT SOAP

0kkvlt

Take soap

garbage-empress

ye attempteth to take ye soap out of ye butthole but ye buttholds fast

0kkvlt

Look room

garbage-empress

ye look around ye room. this is where ye sleep on a stinky matress without a bedframe or sheet to be found. on ye wall ye sees ye HUNKY FIRECHUNKS CALENDAR (2015), ye chest o'drawers has a record player with FLEETWOOD MAC - RUMOURS on the spindle, ye night stand has a small bottle of DR. BRONNER'S BUTTHOLE RELEASE cream. doors to ye bathroom and ye kitchen are both on ye north wall.

0kkvlt

Use record player use record player

garbage-empress

ye listen to the entirety of FLEETWOOD MAC - RUMOURS, playing THE CHAIN four times in a row, forgetting about ye minty butthole problems.

0kkvlt

Look calendar

garbage-empress

Ye narrator tires of using pseudo old timey speech and she suddenly abandons it. The HUNKY FIRECHUNKS CALENDAR is flipped to JULY 2015, on it there is a HUNKY FIRELAD, insanely toned wearing nothing but a fire helmet and a jock strap, he is partially submerged in a giant bowl of chili. Between his legs he straddles a large firehose, clearly a penis metaphor. His eyes look seductive but somehow, impatient. Like he has an important meeting to get to, a meeting with your genitals, perhaps? Oh also I guess you circled JULY, 17TH, 2015 for some reason but whatever.

0kkvlt

Go kitchen

garbage-empress

It's your kitchen. On your refrigerator sits a goblin. On the walls are two sexy calendars - both from 2015, one is SPICY FIREFIGHTIN' LASSES and the other is AGENDER ARSONISTS, maybe you wished to give the firefighters a purpose by giving them fires to fight? After all, what's a sexy hero without a sexy sexy villain? You don't have a stove, stop asking about the stove.

0kkvlt

Hug goblin

garbage-empress

You embrace the goblin. The goblin, touch starved, begins to cry on your shoulder.

edgebug

so when i was 7 or 8 i’d “write letters to hermione granger” and set them out on the piano in the living room every night with my stuffed toy owl and every morning i’d have a letter from hermione back, sitting at the foot of my bed, and hermione and i corresponded like that for months and i’d just like to thank my mom for writing out a “letter from hermione” for me every single night

sure-to-lure-someone-bad-deacti

That is the cutest thing I’ve ever read oh my god

justastormie

so when i was about the same age i got really into both ciphers and james madison (idk don’t ask) so i just randomly started writing these letters like i was james madison writing to my own spy ring, using all kinds of ciphers. constantly writing that WE MUST SWITCH CIPHERS THE BRITISH ARE ON TO US. and it wasn’t every night because the ciphers kept getting more complex, but it was about one every week for six months and my mother always responded. and she always found the letters, because i took to hiding them in increasingly more obscure locations because spies, obviously.

i didn’t realize how much work this was until i snuck down late one night for a cookie. and saw my mother bent over my giant book of ciphers and muttering to the dog “is this another code or can she not spell?” (i could not and still can not spell) and i was a bit angry at first but i kept watching and she KEPT AT IT. checking everything in that book against my letter and i never felt so loved. my mom with a full time job sitting up to figure out my silly letters said just because i enjoyed the game.

i got her this bio of james madison a few years ago for xmas with a simple number substitution cipher on the inside saying “In thanks for your dedicated years of service, your daughter and occasional President.” She still has it pride of place on her desk next to the obligatory kid pics

so yeah cute mom story for the day.