Have you ever been tortured? Have you ever been abandoned and left for dead on the roads without food or support or money? Have you ever been hated and cursed abd betrayed by people you trusted. Have you ever been discarded like youre garbage and sent to abusers they knew fully about. Have you ever lay dying and wait for something, starving, that never comes. Have you ever been abused and assaulted, and the people you trusted fed you to the wolves without a word. Have you ever been sent to the ER again and again, but nobody cares about your suffering, and you're left there alone
I believed you with all my heart. That friends were there for you during hard times. You encouraged me to fight back. I did. Then you took everything, and left me on the roads to die.
You are constantly redrawing the line in the sand so im always on the other side of it. Only members of the garden are allowed to have human value. If I tell the truth im not believed, I end up in the ER. If I lie im tortured, i still end up in the ER. If I reach out for help, I dont get any. If I do things alone, I mess everything up.
If I talk about myself, im being selfish. But if I talk about rory, im being obsessive. When bean did something abusive and traumatizing, it doesnt matter and they are forgiven, "because it was a long time ago and you need to get over it". When i also have a panic attack because of a disorder, ages ago, its held over my head forever and my cries for help go ignored. Unlike them, i don't even get a chance to explain anything at all
If your friends make a mistake, you gather and support them, and see the best in them. If I did what bean or pea did, you would hate me instantly without trial. But, they get hundreds of chances, understanding, and care. Where you see the best in them, and understand they are human beings who make mistakes and make effort to be better. When i do the exact same things, you only see the worst in me and punish me for it, even though id do everything, EVERYTHING you told me to do, when it hurt. When I got meds and therapy, I was abused even worse for trying
When I was worried and overprotective and had a panic attack, from disorders I could not control. i am still a bad person despite it, you cannot "trust me on the merit of im just like that." But with pea, who does the same thing and causes someone extreme harm, your excuse is they are being overprotective and "are just like that." The exact opposite of me. I could go on like this for hours, but if I talk about it, Im guilting you. If I dont talk about it, I end up back here, in the hospital or on the street.
You didn't abandon them for making the exact same mistakes. I only got worse after 7 months of this abuse and torture, a fact you steadily ignore. You even mocked me for my illness, going lmaooo, you couldn't even last a single day!!
If I tried to talk to you, I was breaking your boundaries and smothering you. If I offered to disappear and never talk about it, then I was isolating myself and being hurtful to others. If bean mentioend "this is what a good friend would do," they are being kind. If I do the same thing, I am being manipulative
There was never a right answer. Ive tried to ask you what the right answer is for months. But I've been abandoned, hated, isolated, and tortured for events that were not my fault and not under my control. For the things that were, i apologized, made real effort to change, but it didnt matter and I completely lost it. Have you ever been tortured? By people you cared about? Can you give me back my cat? My home? My life? My savings, my job, my bed?? You took everything from me and told me it was my fault
If im angry, its exaggerated out of context and shared to everyone. If im in dire pain, its completely ignored and irrelevant. You told me I could always talk about problems, but then you completely ignored the messages or didnt acknowledge them, instead of communicating it wasn't okay (you are aware i have autism, if you dont tell me, I will not understand.) If I talk about my illness or my autism, im using it as a shield. But if I try and ignore it, it cripples me.
In private, you expressed you liked being called a girl. When I call you a girl (out of habit, and yes, because i wanted to upset you) during a fight, you call me transphobic and spread this misinformation to everyone you know. Im a trans person. Do you know how much worse it feels to see you use my dead name, to frame me for real criminal activity i did not do, using my dead name, too? im the only one telling the truth. Even if its embarassing or hard, i am the ONLY one who has been telling the truth, and that hurts the most.
You told me you enjoyed my curiosity, my questions, and my general interest in learning about the world i had never before been able to know. Now, the same behavior is called stalkerish and unacceptable. Im told to stand up for myself, like not being told who to date, or to stand up to my brother's abuse. I told Bean "no" they dont get to control who I date and how i dress and who i speak to. But when I did, my life was destroyed, and my abuse at home increased. I fought because of you and what did it give us?
When bean is emotional, it isn't their fault, its their illness, they are just scared, and its okay. When I felt the exact same thing and got therapy and meds the exact same way, it was my fault for being born that way, and the only support I recieved was Peas verbal abuse, and more hate texts.
This line is constantly being redrawn by you and everything is always my fault, no matter how hard I tried or what I do. Even when I have one foot in the grave, im belittled, yelled at, ignored, abandoned, gossiped about, despised and left for dead. My hospitalizations and your police calls have real consequences, and you don't even have the decency to allow me to talk about it like an adult, in private. Youve caused real harm to a real persons life, but i was just an anime doll, a toy that doesnt matter when you finished playing with him.
When they do something for you, like get you something, its a kind gesture. When I do the same thing, even if its all the money left I had, its seen as malicious and im "lying" about my wealth. You never had any interest in my platform or my fans until you could use it as some story that im evil and *chose* to have these illnesses. That i tried for 7 months to stop, until I couldnt take it anymore. I really could go on but this is already so long, and im being repetitive. I just wanted the pain to stop. I just wanted to speak with someone who cares about me
Nothing matters, and nobody cares. When i try to explain it really is like torture, that my disorder is the most painful in the world, and just like schizophrenia I can't just "get over it." When I explain that, im "lying and faking for attention." Despite photos and medical records showing clear as day its not. Things ive sent in private during attacks, you have exaggerated and escalated as literal crimes i did not do. You think im trying to take down your blog or something. When I've literally just been trying to stay out of the ER. Im trying to survive, and you take them as personal attacks against yourselves
You are constantly redrawing the line in the sand so I am never on the right side of it. It was OK for bean to use, abuse, control and manipulate me, but, but it was not okay for me to express the trauma they caused me or to have a panic attack about what happened. Nothing I do matters, and every answer is always the wrong answer. Im not even mentioning the abuse and immense suffering you did to me explicitly because believe it or not i care about your privacy. *you* put me here. You'll never understand the absolute hell I've been through on the streets..and its because of you
To the random people seeing this lengthy message; yes, im aware its spam and this isn't how you handle interpersonal relationships. Ive tried to handle it privately, 100+ times. Just block me
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