Misguided Ghost

tired - spoonie - hoe of all hobbies "just a ghost, haunting a life I haven't lived yet"

[whattheell]

Sunlight girl living in a black hole-

How strange it must be, hovering in total darkness when you bring so much warmth

To be able to see not in front of you when the whole world is basking in your shimmering rays

I will shake out the winter coat you have loaned me, looking for bits of your glow you buried deep in the pockets with the gum wrappers and childhood tragedies

Let me sit just a little while with you, attempt to shoo away the huntsmen who take refuge in the dark clouds and brush the snow from your shoulder.

I won't linger long: but let me first sweep out the cobwebs and lies your brain vomits up.

I hope the sadness passes through you quickly, I hope it does not take you with it

[whattheell]

I must be the biggest liar there has ever been.

What could I possibly have to be so miserable about?

What reason does my mind have to be so burdened?

I have no great trauma, no insurmountable loss.

And so I must be faking it all, for the sympathy or for the drama or so that, maybe, someone will pity me.

Has there ever been a more wretched manipulator than some poor, sick half-poet with a mind full of ghosts of her own creation?

[whattheell]

I think, perhaps, that being a ghost is a sort of permanent dying. 

‘I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do.

‘I'm sorry, you'll live 50 more years.’

‘I'm sorry, this is terminal.’ 

‘I'm sorry, you're perfectly healthy.’ 

‘I'm sorry you're dying.’

‘I'm sorry you're fine.’

‘I'm sorry you're dead. 

I'm sorry you never will be.’ 

Maybe it's all a performance, for a disinterred audience of one.

Am I performing? 

Forgive me mother, I cannot find which way is up. 

[whattheell]

There's a certain kind of ache, growing up and trying to avoid the future that was preached to you your entire life that you're desperately trying to avoid, and yet, wanting some of those things so badly.

Yes, I married a man. No, not because I had. Not because you told me to. I didn't marry him like that.

Yes, I want a child. Children, maybe. No, not like that. Not because it's my job. Not because I have to give my husband children. Not like that.

Yes, I cook. I garden. Not like that. Never like that.

Can you see? Do you know I don't do them because you want me to? Or does it not even matter

This was going to be a poem, but I can't quite put it into words that way, not yet.

[whattheell]

Text post:

Alt text:

"I miss you, that's all

That's not a thing you have to respond to though, just because I need somewhere to put it doesn't mean you have to carry it."

[whattheell]

It's a different kind of feeling, trapped in a prison if your own doing.

I'm used to being trapped like the violent dog I know I am, used to the way the physical constraints of my broken brutal body keep me grounded. The way the irrational, incessant demands of my brain burdened with sickness cripples.

I am not yet used to the way the choices I made, the choices I didn't, shapes a future and a present I can't leave.

[whattheell]

Today's out of context classroom quote

Me: "is this statement true or false? Pick one"

N: "Pick one?"

X: under her breath but with much emotion: "Pick me, choose me, love me"

So apparently they know Greys anatomy

[panulyx]

Too much movement makes your joints hurt and too little movement also makes your joints hurt. This would imply that there's an optimal amount of movement that allows your joints to not hurt. This is a lie.

[whattheell]

You can break the rules

Sit down while you fold laundry, while you cook, while you brush your hair, in the shower.

And you don't have to apologize for it, or explain. No one is entitled to your medical history.

Just a reminder.

[goth-queen]

[pangur-and-grim]

I feel so insane about ai. I've had face-to-face conversations with people who use it for therapy, who use it to calculate the safety of pill interactions, who use it for all their emails and grant applications and legal documents and academic papers and finance sheets and for every single question they have about the world, and if you tell them about the ecological costs they just laugh and say "I guess I've used a lot of water." and I've been in multiple gatherings of 10+ people where I'm THE ONLY PERSON who doesn't use chatgpt. it's turning me into a ranting raving pariah, because how don't you people see??? why don't you understand??????? this bullshit didn't exist five years ago, you absolutely do not need it, and it is destroying everything

[whattheell]

"There is nothing a heart wants more than what it cannot have"

Me, severely allergic to milk, looking at a slice of cheesecake

[whattheell]

Mondays are not for new beginnings, they are for stale coffee and limping through the parking lot and watching the clock. They are for remembering how to leave the house and how to pretend to be something other than dead.

Tuesdays aren't for new beginnings either: they're for finishing Monday's to do list, for adding to Monday's to do list, for throwing that damn to do list in the bin and limping through the parking lot and

Neither are Wednesday's, good Lord you're nearly halfway through the week, just hold on a little longer, maybe Thursday can be a new beginning, mayb-

Thursday is over, and you're still not done with that to do list and you're limping through the parking lot.

Friday, then. But you can't start on a Friday, Fridays are for limping toward the weekend and

You can start on Monday.

[whattheell]

Mom, how many things can be true at the same time.? I hate my birthday. I just want a nice one. I want to be so alone today, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't even want to leave my room but I want everyone I have ever interacted with in my entire life to send me a message, a card, a wish.

How dare my fifth grade best friend not talk to me today.

I wonder if she's married yet.

I wonder if she almost died.

I didn't wish for death this year, mom, when I blew out the white grocery store birthday candles. I didn't wish for life either. Something mundane, like maybe I can tolerate the small things in life again without wanting to wish it away. Using my birthday to wish your life way is a very selfish thing to do, I think. Did you know I used to do that a lot? Do you know I still do?

I got a card from grandpa. He signed it just his name, he does that now. I miss when it was in my grandmother's curly writing.

When I got the cards in my grandmother's curly, perfect writing, I used to wish myself dead.

I wonder if it's my fault I only get cards from Grandpa now.

I only cut the cake this year mom. I didn't cut anything else, for the first time in a very long time. It was always a birthday treat to myself. I think I'm changing Mom, I hope I'm becoming someone good or at least someone who doesn't keep you up at night. Thank you for the birthday card, mom. Thank you for life. I'll try to take care of it.

[whattheell]

Halloween is a whole nother level of wild

There will be many quotes I fear

My favorite so far was, while I was playing a chill beats Halloween screen from YouTube, one of my kids very disgruntled claims

D: Ugh, this is definitely ai

Only to be met with

C: Dude it's called lofi not ai

[whattheell]

Bad flavor of gender dysphoria: my skin is wrong™

Good flavor of gender dysphoria: wearing boxer shorts during that time of the month

[whattheell]

I don't think I like rainbows

I do think I'm drawn to them though

Something about the way the evening setting sun comes through my window births small fragments of light across my chipped laptop and chapped hands, sore and tired and bathed in a holographic ray of color that feels out of place in these halls

Out of place is a feeling I understand

Maybe that's why I pause from my ever growing to-do list to look, just for a moment, at the sunlight that couldn't give a damn about my feelings on rainbows