“I don’t want to do this” | Scalpel | reluctant whumper | makeshift laboratory
Author's note: undoubtedly my best work so far
Content Warnings: physical/corporal punishment (not shown on screen but central), emotional trauma, psychological abuse, coercion, forced to hurt someone, fear response, self-loathing, suicidal ideation (mild). power imbalance, blood (mentioned), role reversal/blurring
The cutlery clinked against the good plates, as a tense silence lay over the dinner table. His grandfather glared at him with a barely controlled fury in his eyes. “If you continue like this, you will shame our house, boy. And I won’t stand for it.”
“Yes, grandfather,” the young man - whom nobody but his grandfather would think to call a boy anymore - responded meekly.
“You are weak,” he hissed, while cutting his meat with cold precision. “Just like your father was. And just as pathetic. The gods must be mocking me, making you my grandson.”
He did not respond. It was usually the wiser choice to let the old man rant whenever he was in a mood like this. Silently he gestured for his manservant to refill the half empty wine glass in front of him, concentrating on keeping his hand from trembling as he did so.
“And another thing,” his grandfather went on impatiently, wielding his eating knife like a dagger. “I say, look at me when I am speaking to you dammit!” He roared, hitting the table with a balled fist, making all the tableware jump up in fright.
The grandson flinched at the outburst - which was bad and the servant who had been filling the wine glasses flinched too - which was worse. Because a few drops of wine missed the goblet and instead fell onto the white tablecloth leaving deep red stains. A moment of silence stretched as nobody but the grandfather dared to breathe, until the servant slowly stepped back, returning the bottle to the side table. His movements eerily stiff but practised.
“I apologise, your grace,” he said with a perfect bow, even though it was impossible to appease the master of the house - especially when he was in a mood like this.
To everybody’s surprise, no shouting followed, no demands for whips or canes, not even a backhand. No, his grandfather looked at the errant manservant with calculation in his eyes, his fingers drumming on the table. His grandson beside him swallowed. Whatever came next would be even worse than usual, that was sure.
“That’s your man, isn’t it?” His grandfather began, his voice deceptively even.
“Yes, grandfather,” he answered, hardly daring to breathe and yet continuing on because his servant did not deserve to be subjected to grandfather's temper today. “He has served me without fault for years. A single misstep does not erase his loyalty.”
“You speak as if loyalty were not the expectation.” His eyes made clear that he was not talking about the servant right now. “Besides, loyalty when paired with failure means little.” He twirled the sigil ring around his finger, absent mindedly. “Sooner or later it will be your responsibility to ensure obedience in this household. I wonder - are you ready for it?” The icy eyes of the grandfather met the carefully blank ones of his frightened grandson. “Punish him, and show me that you are.”
No, please no. Anything but that. “This was a mere accident grandfather, surely - ”
“Punish him,” grandfather repeated mercilessly. “I did not ask for an opinion, but gave you an order. Do it.”
The grandson froze. No! He couldn’t - this was. He glanced at his servant, panic choking him - there had to be a way out! Please, he did not want to do this. It wouldn’t be right.
The servant’s gentle brown eyes met his unwaveringly, no accusation, no anger, just quiet acceptance. “Shall I fetch the cane, my lord?”
Gods, he was helping him even. He did not deserve the other’s loyalty. Not before and certainly not after this. He bit back the sob rising in his throat - and nodded.
His hands trembled as they closed around the narrow piece of wood. Gods be good, he thought as he tried to still them, feeling his grandfather’s cold gaze burning on his back. Next to him, his manservant was shrugging out of his livery, carefully folding it on a nearby chair. He did not tremble.
“How many, my lord?” He asked, with his usual gentleness towards his master - one that he did not deserve right now. That he would never deserve again. The servant ought to hate him, and he was still so kind. It hurt more than any of his grandfather’s words had ever done.
“Five,” he heard himself say. A harsh punishment even for a deliberate offense. For this minor accident that had not been his fault at all, it was a horrible cruelty.
“A dozen,” grandfather demanded behind him.
He whirled around, the cane still uselessly held in his hands. “But grandfather, this is - “
“Shall I have to repeat myself once more?” The threat hung in the air for a long moment. There was no way out of this - and if he did not deliver the punishment to his servant his grandfather would. And he would only make it worse, and longer, and more painful. Especially today when it was meant to be a lesson for his grandson as well.
He swallowed, and inclined his head respectfully. “I bow before your experience and thank you for your guidance.” The words tasted like ash in his mouth.
When he returned to his servant, the guilt seemed to overwhelm him. But there was still no accusation in the other’s eyes - just his usual gentleness and maybe a hint of sadness as he bowed before him, as was proper before a punishment.
‘I don’t want to do this,’ he wanted to cry, as he prayed for the gods to strike him down this very second.
Silently, the servant braced himself against a chair, turning his still unblemished back to receive what was coming. His master fought back tears, as he raised the cane above his head - and swung.
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He was sobbing, hot tears rolling down his cheek as he slid to the ground of his bedroom. What had he done? His servant’s cries seemed to still echo from the walls and specks of blood still clung to his hand. He gasped for breath, as the guilt choked him mercilessly.
Twelve strikes. He had barely been able to hold the cane at the end, he had been trembling so. But he had done it. Gods be good, he had actually done it. He had turned into a merciless monster, who would -
Suddenly there was a knock on the door. His head whipped around as he stared at it in horror. Oh no, not now. No more, please.
Hurriedly, he dragged a sleeve over his eyes, forcing painful breaths of air into his lungs. If his grandfather heard of him being found in this state, he would - he couldn’t even think how his stay in the manor could become any worse, but he didn’t doubt for even a moment that it would.
He took one last shuddering breath, before he pushed himself off the floor and faced the window, hoping whoever was on the other side of the door wasn’t important enough that he would need to turn. All traces of tears couldn’t be hidden at a moment’s notice. “Come in,” he called out, at least not sounding quite as hoarse as he had feared.
His eyes widened as he whirled around, suddenly standing face to face with his faithful manservant once more. “Whatever are you doing here?” He cried. “Please, you ought to be resting! This - Not after what happened earlier.” Gods, he couldn’t even say it could he? He truly was pathetic. “Please. Here - sit, at least.”
The servant smiled at him gently, hiding the pain that surely still lingered in his every limb with unnerving skill. “Thank you, my lord.” He said, and worse, sounded like he meant it.
He was carrying a heavily laden tray of tea and sweet rolls, as though this was just any other sunny afternoon.
“Here, let me -,” the master began. But before he could quite comprehend how and when, his servant had already begun placing the dishes on the table by the western window and somehow shushed his master into sitting in the chair beside it. Helplessly he stared at the feast he had not asked for, but received nevertheless. It was his favourite tea too - the one they had brought with them to his grandfather’s manor when they had been called here. His throat closed up as he looked at it.
“You ought to hate me,” he mumbled without touching a thing. “I - I hate me,” he added more quietly.
His servant hummed quietly, as was his habit, and added sugar to the tea. Two pieces today instead of the usual one. “Drink, my lord,” he ordered as he pushed the cup into his hand. “It will do you good.”
“For that it would need to be poisoned," the young master mumbled darkly, as he obeyed his servant’s command. The tea was sweet but good. Just the sort of thing for a shock, his dutiful manservant always claimed.
He did not deserve to receive this tea let alone this thoughtful care - he did not even deserve to live as far as he was concerned.
The guilt overwhelming him, he glanced up at his servant’s face to at least give him a proper apology, before releasing him from his service - but he was surprised to see a hardness in his eyes that had never been there before. “You ought not say such things, my lord.”
He didn’t know how to respond to that.
In the following silence a sweet breadroll was buttered and pressed into his other hand. His servant stared at him expectantly until he finally took a bite.
“My lord,” his servant spoke once more, “I would like to ask for a favour.”
“Anything,” the young master vowed. “Whatever you want, if it is in my power to give it, it is yours.” He would never be able to make amends - not truly - but perhaps he might be able to lessen his crimes at least a little. Not to seek forgiveness of course, but to ensure at least some tiny bit of justice in the world.
“I will hold you to it, my lord,” the servant said as he kneeled down in front of him, this time not quite hiding the wince as the movement pulled on his fresh injuries.
Unsure the young lord looked down at the usually taller man.
“Listen closely to me, my lord. And remember that you promised to fulfill my every wish.” Dark eyes stared into his, as the servant took his master’s hands in his. “Forgive yourself.”
He stared at the kneeling man uncomprehendingly. “But I- Surely you can’t - ”
“You promised, my lord,” the servant reminded him.
He had promised, but - “I - I don’t know if I can,” he confessed brokenly, tears rising in his eyes once more.
The servant hummed. “Then try, my lord,” he said. “And once you do, tell me. And that day I shall confess that I forgave you much earlier already - before it even began.”