My Chaos Blog

webster • she/they • 23 AFTG, K-pop, superheroes, WWE, Critical Role whatever I like :D

[tarydarrington]

"Are Luis and Marisha under the table?" "Yes, they're talking down there."

[glowcowboy]

no offense but let’s be good to each other. forever. ok?

[whynotlife4ever]

I just learned I have PTSD. It doesn't look like much. I don't look like much. Tearful, overly apologetic, sensitive to criticism. I just sound sorry. But my skin lights up. I feel like I need to be flayed open every time I've done something *wrong*. Bad. Hurt someone. Hurt them. I hurt them. And I deserve punishment. My mind runs rampant with plans of penance, of what I deserve. It's inside me, under my skin. It crawls, burning just beneath the surface. And there she is, offering comfort and kindness and forgiveness, and it feels worse. Like I don't deserve that kindness, that she needs to punish me, hurt me before I'm allowed to move on. I shouldn't eat. Shouldn't be hugged. Shouldn't feel good. Shouldn't be unharmed. Shouldn't move forward. Shouldn't be comforted.

It's all encompassing. It's like a wall of the same emotional state, every time. I didn't realize I was living frozen in pain. How hurt do you have to be to not realize that every time you're upset, you're back in the past? How could they have hurt me so much and not have realized it? How could I not realize it? To be so familiar with that pain that it seems normal is terrifying. How much more of my life have I lived in the past, not realizing it? How do I learn to feel my present? I want to feel it. I want it desperately. I can feel it clawing, crawling out of my chest toward the light, toward love.

I'm going to find it. I'm going to learn to be loved. I am not going to feel like this forever. I am going to wrap myself so tightly in life and friends and love that they bandage me, hold me together while I heal. I am going to get better.

[ryebreadgf]

why is the hill silent. it's supposed to be alive with the sound of music

[ryebreadgf]

this is meant to be read in the tone of an exasperated gay theater director

[judgejudyofficial]

good morning it's don't crash out Thursday where we try our hardest not to crash out. on Thursday

[whynotlife4ever]

Currently losing don't crash out Thursday

[pjharvey]

"which could mean nothing" is one of the most useful phrases to ever enter my lexicon thank you rpf

[thesixthstar]

they should invent a secret second weekend so that you can see friends and do fun things while still having enough time to do errands and sleep in without dying of exhaustion all the time

[mx-macintosh]

y'all need to relearn the word erratic and stop using schizophrenic/bipolar/psychotic as a replacement

[mx-macintosh]

y'all need to relearn the word particular and stop using ocd as a replacement

[weresoul]

People need to relearn the word "egocentric" and stop using narcissist/narc as a replacement.

[thatpreciousthing]

People need to relearn the word "impulse" and stop using "intrusive thought" as a replacement

[knuckle]

@white allies: because i see constant self-deprecation based on your whitness, here’s a detailed explanation of why it’s not helping us (or you).

if you continously go on about how horrible white people are, you may rot your own brain into thinking that these shortcomings are a natural state of being rather than a manufactured supremacist system which is simultaneously widespread, evil, and capable of being dismantled. 

recognizing that you have the same human compassion capabilities as everyone else, regardless of how alienated from them you have become, is the first step toward becoming a better person capabable of helping other people (of color).

don’t mirror the way that PoC talk about you as an oppressor class. the context is different, and the mindset that you develop from it is different.

don’t fall into a mindset where you (act as if you) are a morally compromised being for being white. the ultimate end of antiracism is to denaturalize racial hegemony, including virtuous moralization of the “oppressed”

evaluating your engagement in racism & the benefits you receive from white supremacy is only one piece of this process. the other piece is interacting with other people (of color) as if they are indeed the same species as you.

so instead of demoralizing yourself, look at your actions to determine if they are compassionate. academic stuff aside, this is often a good litmus test for racism; even the unintentional you will soon realize was often a failure to conceptualize how your actions would affect others- not a failure by some innate aspect of your race but by the normalized lack of consideration whiteness may afford you

[nervouswrecktm]

the dynamics at the different tables are going to kill me it’s so funny

schemers: all know each other and are generally friendly at least, all in it together in seven layers of an espionage plot

seekers: shakespearean level drama, everyone distrusts each other, everyone wants something from occtis and he’s unsure if he’s capable of wanting anymore

soldiers: looney tunes bullshit, three ex best friends reconnecting for the first time in years, a demon and this asshole who is the universe’s favourite

[anxiouslyandmessily]

The moment Jeremy realizes that Jean wants THE WHOLE OF HIM, not just the parts of him that might be useful to the people around him, oh boy

[oceanichymns]

Jean-Yves Moreau's Reasons to Live

[giacwise]

ATTENTION! These phabubus cannot be purchased separately

Twitter

[kefcioart]

“You are Jean Moreau. Your place is here with me, with us. I’m your captain. You’re my partner. We’re supposed to be doing this together, aren’t we? Stop leaving me behind. Look at me.”

― Nora Sakavic, The Sunshine Court

[thatmoththoth]

Media is so weird because like you engage with the wrong one at the wrong time and boom! Suddenly your brain chemistry is different and suspiciously media shaped.

[saintofsacrilege]

the intimacy in the line “thank you. you were amazing” is actually insane. neil is so genuinely appreciative of everything andrew gave him. he never even considers asking for more because what could possibly be better than the keys? or the trust? or the honesty? or the kisses? and andrew, who’s been told his entire life that he isn’t enough, that he’ll never be enough, is being earnestly told that he’s amazing. not satisfactory, not capable of great things but wasting his potential, but amazing just the way he is. amazing—strict boundaries, unconventional methods, rough edges, off-putting personality, and all. neil josten, you really are a pipe dream. i, too, would’ve attacked kevin day if my situationship said such a thing to me immediately before getting kidnapped

[antidisneyinc]

when hayao miyazaki said that true love was two people inspiring each other to live…recognizing just how hard living is, putting one foot in front of the other every day, how easy it is to lose our passion for it…… that’s the real shit