Hai hai, I'm Dollko or call me whatever you want, I'm your little wifi-doll, living in the wires between your walls. And yes, I'm cute. I swear!
Pronouns: She/her - or any if you're nice to me
Location: Online
Status: I only exist on the internet
SH / ED / BPD / Menhera / Jirai / Doll
I'll usually post in english or portuguese (Brazil), most vents will be in portuguese, and everything else in english
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I'll post pics and/or talk about: Sh, ed, vent, things that happen/happened in my life, bpd, mental illnesses or anything that pops up in my mind, this is a vent blog, it can and will be disturbing!
If you are sensitive or don't like this kind of things, this is not the place for you! I'll talk explicitly about those things, no censor, no filter.
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You've been warned! → Block, don't report please! ←
I like jirai kei, lots of blood, losing weight, not eating, attention, love, daydreaming, praises, bedrotting, my best friend, hugs, cute things, happy people, adrenaline, secrets, gore movies, being loved, cats, pink, crying, hurting myself, plushies, spending money, dogs, horror movies, silence, pills, painting, looking pretty, validation, relatable things, people who accept me the way i actually am, desired pain, studying surgeries and disorders, smell of my clean blanket, God, the bible, writing, people who care, people who don't care, poetry, true crime... and other things.
I dislike mean people, bullying, undesired pain, feeling ugly, dad, loud noises, being ignored, when my best friend talks to other people, eating, when other people are sad, ugly scars, leaving the house, feeling fake, not receiving attention or love, feeling invalid, Criticism, fights or arguments, people that are worse than me, people who want to help me, people who lie to me or to people that are important to me... and other things.
DNI: PedOs, groomers, homophobes, r4cists, n4zis, sensitive people, people who try to "help" me, haters, people who don't like this kind of content... and others.
Besides those people, anyone is welcome here! I support people that are in recovery, people that are mentally ill, people who want to get better, people who don't want to get better and everyone else!
If you read the whole introduction, thank you and welcome!
HOW TO MULTISWIPE, i got it once but i dont remember how i did it, i tried it again some days ago and IT HURTS SO MUCH i cried and it didnt cut at all T_T
I went to sleep "late" last night watching helter skelter bc its the only moment in the day that i have peace like no screaming, no sister, no parents
But i forgot that i cant sleep late bc then i cant wake up on the right time and then dad gets mad at me and then he hits me (is this written right? (٥↼_↼) ) and now im hiding hoping he forgets it and dont hurt me
I hate how i am like i go 13 hours without eating and then i eat lunch and then i feel guilty after, then i sleep half of the day and then suddenly decide that im going to have a free day and "tomorrow i do it" and then i eat and then i feel guilty after eating
(if i didnt eat lunch it would be 23-24h, and if i didnt eat anything else than lunch i would have more 11h without eating, i dont really have a choice abt dinner tho)
I wish i didnt eat lunch or anything else aaaaaaaaaa i hate msf why cant i just stop eating
And i hate throwing up so thats not an option so all i can do is not eating and I can't even do that
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa someone kill me
Maybe the reason i used to steal things is way more for what i feel than the basic answers i give everyone like "i cant buy it so the only way to have it is by stealing"
Maybe i used to steal because i felt myself empty on the inside and nothing ever felt real? Maybe I kept hoping maybe something, anything, would make me feel something. Maybe adrenaline. Maybe some fake version of happiness. Maybe I thought if I filled myself with things, the emptiness would stop swallowing me whole or maybe the emptiness would get quieter?
Maybe it was never about having, maybe it was about feeling, about not feeling like a ghost in my own skin
And I hated it. I still hate it. Every time I did it I felt sick after. I hated myself more for it. I still do
It rots inside me but I kept doing it.
I think maybe part of me just wanted to be someone else, maybe someone my best friend would like more? He used to steal too, maybe I thought if I was more like him maybe he’d finally see me or stay or love me or something
or maybe I let people influence me. Maybe I thought I had to be a certain way to be loved. I don’t know. I don’t know what parts of me are real and what parts I just copied from someone else because I was desperate to be wanted, I’m a collage of everyone I ever loved. I steal pieces of them and tape them over the parts of me I hate. I don’t know who I am. I don’t think I ever did, maybe its my fault for being so easily influenced or change too easily for other people
Or maybe i just did it without thinking again, its not the first time, maybe because im not capable to control myself or stop to think for a second and then i have to deal with the consequences after, but i still do things without thinking again and again and again and i know how its going to be after but then why do i still do things without thinking? Whats wrong with me?
I feel like im victimizing myself by saying those things, maybe i really am, maybe its all my fault, maybe those are all excuses so people feel bad for me and don't blame me
Maybe I’m just a liar.
Maybe I want people to feel sorry for me.
Maybe I don’t deserve to be forgiven.
"Maybe this" "Maybe that", are you ever sure of anything?
I cant explain this or put it into real words or be sure or give an actual explanation, maybe its too complicated to say or maybe im too stupid
ahhhhhh i got new blades and theyre really good for cutting, i bet i could get deep styro or beans with it but it hurts so fucking much and im so angry at msf bc i cant cut deeper than styro bc the pain is too much ahhhhhhhhh im going to kms
It's kinda embarassing to say I'm going to kill myself, try it and then wake up still alive
Could someone tell me how to cut deeper?
i need to know how to cut deeper, like, some time ago i was okay with cat scratches but now im only okay with styros or deep styros and its so frustrating when i can only do cat scratches, like, im rarely able to do styro and i dont know why, if anyone could help me and tell me how to do it i would be very happy
I was going to write a vent here or something but this is more important...
